Need her back

[cloud101]

hey guys

 

heres the deal

 

me and my gf first met at college about a year and a half ago on the same course she is 18 and i am 20, everything was great when we first hooked up and we was just having fun enjoying each others company after about 7 months into the relationship i started to develop strong feelings for her which i expressed nd she did. we then had a rocky patch and broke up for about 1-2 weeks and then got back to together it was quite a serious break-up but we survived it.

 

We where happy for the upcoming months and now she has turned round to me a completly destroyed me by saying that she wants to end it, she told me like a week ago and i have been completly ruined by it, we arranged to meet at the cinema last thursday and we kissed and cuddled and at the end of the night she said she needed time and space so she told me to contact her yesterday which i did and she wanted to stay here.

 

So she stayed here last night and i gave her the usuall stuff i want you back and all that but i really love her to bits and cant imagine life without her, she responded oddly by saying we are still going to see each other but if i want her back should i follow NC rule and see if she comes back. we had made made plans for my 21st in like 4 months and everything.

 

From about 8 months into the relationship another boy fancied her and has been pursuing her recently and i seen msgs from him to her saying i love you and want to be with you till the end,

 

I really want her back, i love her to bits and cant imagine life without her i need to know how about doing so please help

 

Thanks

Cloud101

[dns502475]

Hi Cloud,

 

I can understand what you're going through right now. We've all been there.

 

Unfortunately, this girl is jerking you around and you're letting her do so because you're a slave to your emotions at the moment.

 

You can't "make her come back" to you. Believe me, if that was possible, this forum wouldn't exist and no one would ever written sad love songs.

 

She can decide to come back on her own, sure...but that rarely happens. Usually when it does, it's WAY in the future and you both just kinda..."cross paths" again after having moved-on past the old relationship.

 

Now, what you CAN do is act in a way that guarantees she will NEVER want to come back, but that's all. And based on the way you sound in your post, that's exactly what you're about to do friend.

 

No NEEDING anyone. This is a HUGE turn off. No contact is absolutely priority at this point.

 

If you want the honest-to-God truth...this relationship is over. I know that's harsh, but I would hate to see you go through unnecessary pain just to spare your feelings. I know it hurts. I know it feels like you can't live without her. But that's not true. And those feelings are temporary.

 

She's let this relationship go, and you're just not ready to do the same. I wish I could say something different, but I can't. I'm 33 and I've been where you're at and I've been through a couple more breakups after college as well.

 

Your real enemy here is the false hope you're indulging. Go to something like "askmen.com" and look through the dating and "doc love" articles to get a feeling of what you're dealing with here.

 

The quicker you say "forget her" and realize that you're surrounded by attractive, young women, the much better off you'll be.

 

My best advice is work to get the point where you WANT to get over her. Believe me, it's the best habit you'll ever develop for yourself.

[cloud101]

thanks dns

 

i really appreciate the comment its really harsh to face up to the reality of it and it hurts man, i just wish there could be a chance again for us in the future she is a really sweet and cute girl and i love her to bits, i was hoping for me to dissapear for a few months long enough hopefully for her to miss me but i could just be talking crazy in denial

 

personally when this kid started chasing her i knew it would have some sort of affect in the end

 

kind regards

[dns502475]

It's cool man...

 

I know what it's like, definitely. This really is a mental challenge and a lot of people don't see it that way. You say it hurts? But why?

 

I'm not trying to minimize your pain here, but I am asking you to really look at it and find a reason that validates for the amount of pain you're feeling.

 

Let's look at this realistically:

 

1) You were with a young woman for a year and a half and you've had serious feelings for her a little more than a year now.

 

2) The relationship had been having problems for awhile now.

 

3) She broke things off once already.

 

4) You really have to be careful not to over-dramatize things. A "serious" break up lasts more than 1 or 2 weeks.

 

5) How does she express her appreciation for the love you've expressed? She starts seeing another guy...

 

6) She then tells you "well, play harder to get and let's see how that works for turning me back on?" What the f-ck is that?

 

Translation: "I don't want to be involved with you that much anymore because I wanna spend that time with the other guy that you know about, so don't call me...I'll call you"

 

Oh, and before you feel like this other guy must be SO much cooler than you, let me tell you something...you should feel sorry for this poor sap. Because he's just heading for the same ending. Don't get caught in games, Cloud because that's exactly what that is.

 

7) Then she tells you "we're still going to see each other"...another "what the f-ck" moment.

 

Translation: "I'm still not sure exactly what's going to happen with this other guy, and even though I told you not to contact me for a while, I know you think you 'need me'. See Cloud, I have you so wrapped around my pinky finger. I can tell you're so pathetically and hopelessly in love with me that you would still run to me the MOMENT I asked if you wanted to spend any leftover time I had from seeing other men with me."

 

You have to want better than that for yourself, Cloud.

 

I'm being a bit more...direct with you than I normally would be because you're at the age where you can really begin to develop the right habits and ways of handling these situations. If you can get the right way to view rejection, you'll have learned one of the most important lessons in life.

 

You have to be very prepared emotionally for the fact that at this age, people are still discovering who they are. They frequently feel like they're in love one week and leave the following week.

 

The important thing to know is that this is NOT a rejection of YOU. She actually LIKED you. Rejection takes place those few moments when two people meet. At that point, a decision is made "I find you attractive" or "I don't find you attractive". A break-up isn't really a rejection of you as a person. It's more so one of the following:

 

1) A rejection of the situation (someone wants to explore what's out there)

2) A rejection of the idea of commitment (a commitment-phobe) or

3) A rejection of some action or set of actions (someone cheats, lies, or acts needy, or clingy, or doesn't want to do anything, etc.)

 

Reasons #1 and #2 have nothing to do with you. Reason #3 is about actions...well, you can change actions so that they don't affect future relationships.

 

You now have to see her as the enemy. She's not your friend. And you have to have one goal at this point...you have to now see your feelings for her as a liability and WANT to get over her.

[Cub]

Wow. I have to interject here and complement dns on some of the best advice I've ever seen. Great job, man!

[BCCA]

Wow. I have to interject here and complement dns on some of the best advice I've ever seen. Great job, man!

 

I second that, couldn't agree more with everything dns said.

[IcemanJB]

Wow. I have to interject here and complement dns on some of the best advice I've ever seen. Great job, man!

 

x3. dns, I read your thread explaining, in detail, the "wanting" to get over her. Pure genious; I'm trying to apply it right now. Nice work!

[Gremio]

I really want her back, i love her to bits and cant imagine life without her i need to know how about doing so please help

 

Thanks

Cloud101

 

You may not like my response, but it's one of my main relationship rules and have even put to the test.

 

Once you go on a break, it's over. No matter how hard you try it will never be the same. The reason that caused you to split will always come up/happen again. If you two truly loved each other, you would have worked it out and not split up in the first place. It just shows you aren't compatible.

[cloud101]

Update!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hey guys just wanted to update you guys on the situation, my guess is looks like the other guy fancied her but i think she knocked him back, i dont think her heart is with him .we had a a talk on IM and she said she wanted to go for a meal on Saturday, i have made plans to go out this weekend partying so it should take some of the pain away, i still love this girl and deep down i know she still has something for me,

 

i really want this girl back and i want to know if there are any of successfull steps i can take i have thought of the timing and me breaking off contact is soon to come. I dont know weather to take her out this weekend for a meal or say i cant do it and then maybe dissapear in the hope of her missing me. I dont know weather i should send a xmas card to her family to remind her i am still here if she miss's me over time

 

Kind regards and much appreciation to everyone who has given there comments

[dns502475]

That you're going to have to learn this lesson the hard way and experience this fully for yourself.

 

Look back at my earlier response to you and you'll see that I told you this would happen:

 

"we're still going to see each other"...another "what the f-ck" moment.

 

Translation: "I'm still not sure exactly what's going to happen with this other guy, and even though I told you not to contact me for a while, I know you think you 'need me'. See Cloud, I have you wrapped around my pinkie finger. I can tell you're so pathetically and hopelessly in love with me that you would still run to me the MOMENT I asked if you wanted to spend any leftover time I had from seeing other men with me."

You have to want better than that for yourself, Cloud.

 

That's all this is Cloud. The girl has no respect for you and she's playing you like a yo-yo. When she wants time with you, she picks you up. When she doesn't want time with you or she thinks she likes another guy, she puts you away and tells you not to contact her.

 

"my guess is looks like the other guy fancied her but i think she knocked him back, i dont think her heart is with him"

WOW! That's GREAT! I mean...who cares that she wasn't into you enough to have never left you to see what else was out there in the first place! Right? I mean, what's REALLY important is that she didn't like HIM! (or so you guess.) Whew! Way to dodge that bullet there, Tiger!

 

But that's great Cloud, really. Because...y'know...it could NEVER happen again with another guy.

 

"i have thought of the timing and me breaking off contact is soon to come."

Yeah...sure it is. Because No Contact is really just this game we play with our exes to make them miss us and come running back with tears in their eyes.

"i really want this girl back"

I never would have guessed. Cloud, this ain't nothing but being "pussy-whipped".

 

"I want to know if there are any of successfull steps i can take"

 

To "get her back"? No, there aren't. See, that's the whole point. And that's what everyone here has been trying to tell you. YOU CAN'T MAKE HER WANT TO BE WITH YOU! (But I'm sure that just went into one ear and came out the other.)

 

So go ahead, Cloud. Take her to dinner like you're dying to do. (I'm SURE you'll be the one paying, too. )

[cloud101]

!Another Update

 

Just wanted to put a shout out to dns who has gave me great advice.

 

OK here is the update today i had a call from my old college tutor who wanted me to do a course part time so he called me in for a wonder, this course is on a Friday and i am going to take it , my ex's course is not on a Friday so i wont see her,

 

Okay i saw her in her course and spoke to her, i asked her about the dinner and she said there is nothing left to talk about so i said if that is the case i do not think we should see each other anymore because of the feelings and such.

 

So dinner is off and i guess i will have no contact with her anymore.

 

i am not holding out hope for the future cause that is the future but do you guys believe in the absence makes the heart grow fonder theory or is it all just myth and legend

[Cub]

It's true in certain circumstances, but you shouldn't waste your time with hope. Move on and heal; don't wait for something that will probably never be.

[cloud101]

i agree and thanks for the quick reply its just with Xmas around the corner i do not know weather to break contact and send her family a card or just leave it all together

 

Thanks Cub

[Cub]

Nah. There's no need to send an Xmas greeting... and it would be a breach of NC anyway. She's made her choice, now let her live with it - it's not rude not to send a card if you're respecting her wishes.

 

And no problem, dude.

[cloud101]

yer i think that is what i am going to do lol she can come crawling back to me, if not then we live and learn by our mistakes

 

Just Wanted to put a big shout out to dns and Cub for the great feedback, is well appreciated and has helped me already:)

[dns502475]

I was worried about you there for a minute after that post yesterday.

 

Now, does "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Not in cases such as yours. It does when circumstances keep people apart. Not when a person in a relationship makes a decision to end it.

 

This idiom is the foundation of "false hope".

 

The old saying you need to keep in your head is "Out of sight, out of mind".

 

Cub is 100% right. At this point you CUT IT. That's it.

 

Christmas is going to suck ass this year. It's okay for a couple of Christmases to suck in a lifetime.

 

Now, I normally don't do this...seriously because i think it can be seen as a bit crass, but I would advise you, in particular to read through the two threads I put on here titled "How to Get over Your Ex...Quickly! and "Getting to the point you WANT to get over your ex".

 

It's not for my ego or anything, but given where you are, you need something to keep you anchored.

[cloud101]

yer Xmas will suck this year but hey we live on

 

Funny thing is i have strange feelings like today i actually feel nothing for the situation and that seems strange since just yesterday i was like not eating or nothing and just sulking but today its just like normal routine and the feelings are not there at all.