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Appreciate some

Evaevaeva

By Evaevaeva
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Evaevaeva Member

Evaevaeva

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I really need some help. I met my boyf 4 years ago and he changed my life. I was with an abusive partner that I had already left but he helped me build back my self worth and confidence. I thought we were really happy, we don’t argue…we got on better than anyone we had both met before and we always laughed. Then about 10 months ago he told me that he wanted a break. Said he wanted to make sure I was the one and wanted us to live apart to find out his true feelings as we got together so fast. So I agreed..left my job, home and area to move back to my mother almost 50 miles away

He got back in touch with his ex and I found out they were “friends” again which I was not comfortable with but he promised me that nothing would ever go on between them…. He took me away to Italy about 6 weeks ago and I thought we were back on track. I visited the flat on Friday and found an email from his ex saying that she was finishing things with him and that after the abortion just 5 weeks ago she felt they were not going to resolve anything to put an end to everything. So basically he had been sleeping with her and me at the same time. That night when he came home I confronted him about it and he said they had slept together once and she had become pregnant … he had taken her to get an abortion and had paid for it. I am in total shock! I don’t know what to do or how to react to it…

If I leave him I will have to live where I am and I hate it here… I also don’t think I will find someone I get on with like I do with him or love like I do.. I thought we were going to have a family and get married..but on the flip side how can I move on from this? I want to pretend it hasn’t happened.I wake up every morning crying and I feel dead inside. The thought of just ending my life feels quite a nice option. I have had so much pain in my life I cant take it anymore. My dad was an abusive *******…my ex beat me for no reason and cheated on me and now this….. how could he do this to me knowing what I have been through already

curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

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I am not certain I know the right things to say to you, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

 

Firstly you need to become more self reliant. I know you are in a tremendous amount of pain right now - but reality is you are letting others dictate how you live, where you live, and how you feel.

 

Rather than focussing on him, or any other man for that matter, right now only focus on YOU. If you don't want to live where you live then make it your goal to be able to move. Does this mean you'll need a new job, perhaps. Does that mean you will need to commute for a while, until you save up some money - likely. But imagine how great you will feel once you do it on your own.

 

Then determine what your next personal goal is and develop a plan to achieve it.

 

These guys (your father included) can only hurt you if you allow it. Don't allow it. Focus on YOU. You ARE worth it and you DESERVE it.

 

Keep posting, we are here for you.

AlektraClementine Established Member

AlektraClementine

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Agreed. Get thee to a counselor pronto.

 

1-800-273-8255

1-800-784-2433

 

Here are a couple of numbers I found online for you that are depression/suicide help numbers. As far as the boyfriend, tell him that you haven't made up your mind about whether or not to stay with him but that you can't answer that question right now. That you are going to stay where you are for a while and sort things out and that you will let him know when YOU are ready to make a decision. Take control of this relationship.

 

Next step, get into a counselor's office and start talking! Believe me, it really helps!

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Evaevaeva Member

Evaevaeva

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Thanks I just feel like Ive had everything taken away from me. I dont know what to say or what to do. I spoke to him last night and I told him I was not ready to talk and he said he was not ready to talk either.

I love him but I dont know now. I just want my old life back.

Geishawhelk Established Member

Geishawhelk

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You love him too much.

He loves you.

But not enough.

Or else, this thing with his ex- wouldn't have happened.

Even if you stay with him, the relationship will never be sound.

It's like buying a brand new garment, loving it, looking great in it - then tearing it on a rusty nail.

 

You can repair it all you want, and the repair might look invisible.

but you know the damage, and you know where it is.

The only way out of it is to stay out of it.

DSM-IV Tom Established Member

DSM-IV Tom

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This guy sounds messed up on plenty of levels.

 

What do yo do? Stick to NC. This guy sounds along the lines of a narcissist, only worried about himself.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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I just want my old life back.
Hold onto this thought. You can create not only your old life back but something even better. You're responsible for yourself and the only person who can make things happen is YOU.

 

Forget these jerks, including your current guy. When you're 100% dependent, people tend to take you for granted, to use and abuse. Learn to stand on your own. Learn to rely on yourself so if something happens, there's nothing to stop you from saying "Screw you, arsehole, I deserve better. Sayonara!".

DSM-IV Tom Established Member

DSM-IV Tom

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Please do not commit suicide. Please remember suicide is a PERMANENT SOLUTION to a TEMPORARY PROBLEM.

 

First step: Make a date with a therapist to discuss these problems. (Don't worry no one is going to judge you. He's there to help YOU).

 

Second step: Find ways to love yourself again and see you are of value. Because you are.

 

Third step: Cope and deal with loss, with the help of a therapist. Take the time you need to heal, it's okay to. If you feel like sitting in bed, then SIT IN BED! You are perfectly justified to, and it will help.

 

Fourth step: Begin to do things you once enjoyed. Go out, focus on you (and possibly your friends if you're going with them).

 

Fifth step (usually a few months after the first step): Find someone new. There are plenty of good guys out there.

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Evaevaeva Member

Evaevaeva

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Thanks guys. I spoke to him last night and I decided I wanted to give it another go…. He said that he loves me and wants things to work out but also thinks we need time apart to wipe the slate clean so we can start again. We are going to try and have no contact for a month and see how we feel after. He said he wants to fall in love with me again and I feel the same. I only put the phone down for ½ hr and he was already ringing me…. But today I have heard nothing. Im going to try and stick to it but it really hurts… Im scared a month will go and he wont want to get back together…he says he feels the same scared as I do. I just know he is the one for me and I dont want anyone else..

Geishawhelk Established Member

Geishawhelk

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This isn't NC.

This is just delaying something, so you're going to be counting the days and missing him, focussing on when you can be together again.

 

For my part, I think this is a bad idea, I think you're sounding foolish, clingy amnd desperate, and I know without any shadow of a doubt that you could do soooo much better.

But you do as you feel.

 

I have a feeling we'll see you back here before long, with a different angle and issue.

Sorry, but it's a no-brainer.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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Eva, when looking at the relationship between yourself, your old abusive, cheating b/f and this cheating b/f, do you see the similarities? I do, in that abuse can only happen, if there are no consequences to actions. Same goes for cheating v. repetitive cheating. It's a form of enabling someone to continue bad behaviour(s) because there are no consequences. Seriously think about this.

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Evaevaeva Member

Evaevaeva

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But I know that he is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. I cant just let that go..when I speak to him I am being clear cut...I dont cry...I dont get upset... I dont show my emotions to him.. I only let my emotions go when I am on my own. Even he was asking me why I was being so strong...

I want this to work out and I want us to be together so how can I make that happen?

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Evaevaeva Member

Evaevaeva

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So it has been four days now since I heard from him and we are doing the NC. I thought I would have been in bits but Im actually ok, I havent really cried or got upset but I dont know if that is because I just feel numb about it all.

Sari Established Member

Sari

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Eva, if I were you I would get myself in to counselling (this is actually what I'm going to do!) and start trying to rebuild my life for myself. Then if your bf comes back to you, you will be stronger, more independent and more likely to appear confident and attractive, always a good thing. If he does not come back then by rebuilding your life and feeling good about yourself during this month you will be strong enough to cope with the rejection. Good luck to you and hugs xx

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