Mylife Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I think this is going to be long, its just hurting a lot.... please help. So, this is something from more than a year ago now, but I seem to still think about it...and feel sad and regret it...just dont get why. I joined LS when I broke up with my first ever bf. He was my first date ever, first kiss and first make out. Although it only lasted 3 months, I reallly really felt it for him and he did too, so the break was mutual yet veryy very painful. And so I joined LS to get support and this was in Oct 07. LS was great...I slowllly got over him. We'll call him M. Then around 8 months after that, I went on an online dating site and met a great guy. We talked online for about 2 months and then he came to meet me from 5 hrs away. It was great...it was a LDR, but was awsome. I went to meet him, he came to meet me, and yeah, I kissed him too, but it was never as intense as it used to be with M. This relationship lasted for about 6 months. Then I started to feel that the spark was missing, the compatibility, seeing no common interests and all, so a very very hard decision, but I decided to end it about a month ago. Again, was on LS for constant help, and have mostly healed from it now...but still think of him every now and then. We'll call him P. Now, thing with M was that, he was my best friend for about 6 months before we started dating. People say he liked me from the start, i was never attracted to him in the begining. Two days after we confessed we liked eachother, he kissed me. And it was way too soon, it was our first kiss for both of us. (I am 19 now btw...18 at the time). And in those 3 months, a lot of times when I went to see him at his place (he lived with roomies who were hardly ever home), it used to feel like all we did in his room was make out. At that time my gut always told me its soon, its soon...but it jsut always happend. See, me and my culture are the conservative type, I do not believe in pre-marital sex personally, but makes no difference to me if other people do, its their choice. So, I am happily a virgin and did not sleep with him, but we went far...and that was at times only about 2 months into our relationship. Any time, if I said no, he would jsut look me in the eye kiss my forehead and jsut say "u trust me right". And I would never know what to say or do. I have let this guy touch and suck my breasts and touch me down there as well, just by him saying that. (Ok now I am in tears)...and everytime it happend it was like...what am I doing would be the only thing crossing my mind, I dont want to be doing this with a guy that I have been with for 2 months. He has made me touch him down there too, like literally took my hand and touch him. He was like close your eyes...dont worry...blah blah. I know it sounds old styled or whatever, but what I wanted and what my beliefs were that I wanted to wait after I got married to do all that. Kissing is fine, have nothing against that, just whatever else happend, I never wanted it to. I really still do and have always wanted to have waited, just becasue that is how I have been brought up and that is what I believe. Sometimes, I just wish that what happend was only a dream, yet it wasn't. I never told P about it all, he was very very insecure and veryyy weak emotionally. At times it feels like even though I recently broke with P, I still think about how filthy I feel because of what happend with M and hardly care about the break with P. To be honest, the break with P really doesn't hurt me that much...it only took about a 2 or 3 weeks to make me feel ok. Yet this thing that happend over a year ago...it just makes me so upset and so awful. There is not one person in the world, other than me and him that knows about this. Even my best friend and my sister who both know everything about me inside and out, have absolutely no clue about this. P i knew I couldnt tell, but in the future when I meet a normal guy, who is strong and not insecure, how will I ever tell him something like this. Is he supposed to know? Would I feel guilty if i didnt tell him? And its not just about a future guy, what do I do with myself, how do I forget what happend. It just sends shivers up my spine to think about it...and I jsut feel like a used body. I am feeling really really blue......I dont know how long this feeling has been in me...i just...i just reallly have no idea what to do. M and I talk on msn about once in a 2 months or so...so we are still in touch...kinda keep in contact, but not a lot. P and I are still in NC...and for sure will be for a few months. Guys, I hope u understand where I am comming from. I know the story sounds a little 18th century type, but just try and see it as we all have different beliefs and values, and because of that how this is soo painful for me. Thanks for reading guys, I hope somebody has some input, it willl really really be helpful.
JooLee Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 hi there, i cant say i completely understand what you are feeling but i will try my best. you were blinded and you trusted a person (M) who you thought would have respected you enough to not take advantage of your vulnerability. first of all, you have to forgive yourself for what has happened. you were young and he was your first bf and im guessing you werent sure on what is suppose to happen or what you are suppose to do in a relationship. and him giving you an assurance to trust him made you doubt yourself in letting him to proceed with the sexual pleasures. we all make mistakes - understand that. i understand that you come from a conservative background and your cultural and religion does now allow pre-marital sex, so maybe perharps you need to pray and ask God for forgiveness. im sure you know that God is always there for you and would take you in your arms and grant you forgiveness as long as you come with a sincere heart/intention. if God can forgive us, who are we not to forgive ourselves? (and others, for that matter) so dont beat yourself up over what has happened. and try and learn to forgive yourself. about finding the right guy in the future, well, if he is the right guy, then your past experience shouldnt matter much to him, he would understand that the past should be left behind and it would not interfere with the relationship now. Have faith. i too come from a conservative background (because of the place i grew up)but then again, not everyone are alike. some are more open minded while some are traditional. so i pretty much get the idea on why you are feeling this way. stop thinking you are dirty because indeed you are not. And perharps you still have unfinished business with M, as in an answer, a closure, on why he did what he did. try to make a list on what you are feeling and why you are feeling it. the only person that can help yourself is you. understand yourself. and see where it takes you to... i hope it helps.
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