luvstarved Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Have not posted for a while because life has been soooo busy. H and I have been going through difficulty getting time alone together and it is just not happening as it should. Now, he tells me that he is changing his work schedule so that he works 7-4:30 9 out of 10 days and takes the 10th day off. This means that 90% of the time his days start earlier and go longer, and the 10th day is his to use as he will while I am at work all day. This had come out a couple of months ago as a possibility and now it will take effect next week. Previously I had voiced my objections which primarily were that 90% of the time his schedule is worse...we have trouble getting time together now and now we lose another hour of 90% of work days for any opportunity...I am up late due to my schedule and now if I want sex (he is a morning person ) I have to get up yet another half hour earlier for it to happen...he will be more tired which will exacerbate things...he will get home now ridiculously late from the gym so he will basically never be home to help with or even eat dinner...he will have less flexibility to take time off to help with random things like car troubles, kid Dr appts, etc as a day is more than a day...he will have a day every two weeks that does not and cannot include me, and I think that can contribute to our already barely connected state...on and on. He sleeps 9-10 hours a night, so losing an hour a day of potential togetherness is not as petty as it might sound... When I asked for the upside, all I got was that he gets a day off every two weeks, what's the big deal??? Anyway the discussion was some weeks ago, but the decision occurred today. After hearing nothing about this for weeks, I got home from work and he announced that he had been offered this schedule and took it (it was completely optional). Now I am pissed that I was not even informed of this pending action and that he unilaterally made the decision without consideration of my feelings, and he thinks I am being an a**. I just think it sucks that he gets to dictate a schedule that entirely suits him, and I just have to "work around" it and take up all the slack and if I don't like it, I am a selfish and overreacting a##. We have a rich rich history of me getting left holding the bag to work around his schedule CHOICES and activities...and being left responsible for everything from cooking and cleaning to making the most money to helping with homeowrk to getting the kids ready in the morning and at night to solving all maintenance issues large and small. So, this is not independently a backbreaker, but it feels kinda like the potential straw on the camel's back... Talk me down!
prismfaerie Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Husband and wife are a team; that's not an ideal, it's a necessity. With that being the case, for one not to consult the other regarding a change to something so fundamental to lifestyle as a work schedule is...puzzling. And disconcerting. Especially since your husband appears to have a work schedule that is incredibly outside the norm. Add children to that and I can't imagine how stressed you are. The effect this will have on you is very fundamental. Why didn't you get a voice in the matter? Do your feelings not count? Unilateral decisions typically undermine a marriage. If you want the luxury of unilateral decisions...you stay single.
ramplady Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Talk you down? Why? It sounds like you are 100% correct in being a little more than ticked off. I and my husband have weird work schedules and don't have a lot of time together. He work the mid shift 10pm-7am with a variation in days off. I work 3pm-10pm normally F-M. He works full time and goes to college practically full time. I work part time and take care of our son. So we both have our plates pretty full. We both sat down and have discussed any schedule changes,classes to take, and housework. EVERY time anything could potentially change it has been discussed. We decided that this is where the going is rough but at the end it is well worth it. WE have a plan and try to stick to it. This is a team effort. If I am not around to take care of the house and our son then the home would be in shambles. He is the bread winner and going for 3 majors. These are the roles we decided on. It makes us both unhappy with the time apart but make up for it when we can. I can relate to the busy lifestyles. But not taking account your feelings and completely going against them without further communication is downright wrong. How would he feel if he was in your shoes? He has a lack of empathy or respect for you. I do have one question though. Does he try to make time for sex or just time together also? Or is this something you have to work at also? I would look into couple's counseling. Has he had to take care of the kids on his own,cook, and clean the house? It might be time to do a role reversal. Maybe during one of his days off you can go out to eat with friends or to a spa (where ever) and he can keep house for a day (or two!) I wouldn't back down from this because it speaks to a much deeper issue here. What would happen next? The stress and resentment with grow so great nothing will save your marriage.
OpenBook Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 He has a lack of empathy or respect for you... I wouldn't back down from this because it speaks to a much deeper issue here. Completely agree. Your H is using you. Apparently he feels like he CAN. Why is that? Is he THAT confident that you'll put up with anything he doles out? Or is he passively-aggressively trying to get rid of you, by treating you so badly that YOU'LL be the one to walk away? It sounds like he doesn't like you very much. I have no idea if that's actually the case... but for whatever reason, he's got at least one foot out of the marriage. IMO, he needs to get the message LOUD AND CLEAR that you will not tolerate being treated this way. But that's totally up to you, to put your foot down. No one else can do that for you.
Author luvstarved Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Thx for replies. The thing is when we talked about it before, I suggested that he change his schedule to go IN a half hour later one day a week so that I could get to work at a decent hour, but he said oh NO THAT was impossible! He can miss an entire day every two weeks, but cannot miss a half hour once a week. Sure. I get to work later than my coworkers because...since he goes in so early, I have to be here to get the kids ready and off in the morning. Last child gets on bus at 8:30 and many mornings I am so busy I cannot even get ready until then...so I am rolling in between 9:30 and 10 most mornings. Then I don't get out until late. I work 1/2 hour away from home, he is 15 minutes away. I have this other issue with his duplicitous mother fawning over me to my face and talking about me behind my back. Many times when I ask him to do something for a change he gets her to do it. I told him last night that I was going to arrange my schedule to suit myself and he and his mother could figure out how to work around ME. I am sick of nothing being a big deal until it affects him. I agree that he is either taking me severely for granted or trying to passively aggressively get me to leave (he would want to be the "correct" one in a divorce for sure). He seems to push my buttons and then go see!!! You're difficult!!! Sigh.
JackJack Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Just a quick question, and sorry if it was mentioned before, I may have missed it. Has he always worked this kind of schedule pretty much? Or did he work less before and now he is working more?
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Now, he tells me that he is changing his work schedule so that he works 7-4:30 9 out of 10 days and takes the 10th day off. Not that it matters without at least some discussion and agreement, but is there some financial incentive for him to work this schedule? What kind of job gives only 3 days off a month ??? Mr. Lucky
Enema Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to have such an imbalance of power... especially when you said that you make the most money and take care of the house. Stop letting him walk all over you.
Author luvstarved Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 OOOOOPS. I misexplained the schedule - I meant that 9 out of 10 WEEKDAYS he works an hour longer to get the 10th day off. He does not only get 3 days a month. Still, when we barely get to speak now, taking away another hour 90% of the time is bigger than "no impact whatsoever". Anyway, the part that aggravated me was that I had real concerns (as I explained, basically seeing him less, him being more tired, flexibility and opportunity for sex which is already low reduced even more) and he simply disregarded them. "It's not a big deal" even though I wrote him a list of 11 concerns...he did not address a single one, just declared them all silly basically. It is the ongoing lack of validation of my feelings that bugs me, along with the unilateral decision making. As I said, this would not be a big deal by itself but as it is very very very much the same thing again, it feels like the last straw. I DO do all of the domestic caretaking from bills to repair to cooking to vacation planning to taking kids to doctor appointments that I have to make - and have a much more demanding job that pays $35K more a year than his. So, I feel a little consideration would be in order. I do NOT lord my higher pay over him or in any way act like I deserve a bigger vote. I just think I should get a vote. But, it is like he is the king, with all of the power and none of the responsibility. I am being kind of mean and cold to him these days, which I know won't help, but I don't know where to go with this resentment. We've been in and out of counseling forever but he always bails when we've gone long enough for counselor to determine that he's got issues. At that point, they lose all credibility with him. He is all for counseling as long as the upshot is to show OTHER PEOPLE (me) what is wrong with THEM. When the light shines on him, he gives up in frustration that the counselor doesn't "get it" either. Sigh.
Author luvstarved Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Oh and no there is no financial incentive for this schedule change, it is completely optional...which makes sense now that I've clarified that it isn't 27 days a month!!
JackJack Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 It sounds like from your last post, that if he is bailing everytime a counselor tries to deal with the things HE needs to work on, or his issues brought to light, then it doesn't sound real hopeful. I'm not saying it can't work out or that he can't change but he is going to have want to change and want to work on whatever issues you or the counselor bring up to him. If he is never willing to do that, then things will probably pretty much always be the same. Unfortuneatly that's not good, and you may end up having to make a decison that you may not really want to make.
norajane Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 My parents worked different shifts due to their jobs and trying to raise two kids without the benefit of nannies or daycare (too expensive). They only got to really spend time together one full day a week, due to overtime requirements and my dad's sleep schedule when he had the night shift. They did that for years, and they have a strong marriage. I guess the difference is that they always felt they were in it together and they were a team and that's just what they had to do to get by. It sounds like you two have a lot of other issues other than this schedule change. Are those issues overwhelming the positive things in your relationship? Would you feel better if you were divorced and on your own? If so, maybe it's time to give that some thought.
Author luvstarved Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 Yeah I have no issue with doing what one must...I was laid off a few years ago and struggled as industry was in a downturn. I worked 3 jobs at a time for almost 4 years because it was what I had to do. There was no question about that and it was not a point of conflict. This is more about my H's life being conducted in such a way that he has all the options and leisure time and activities he wants, and I get all the responsibility. It is about him sitting around relaxing and doing his own thing and handing any actual problem solving to me. It is about him telling me what he is going to do and then trying to also tell me what I am going to do. It is about one person's decisions being at another person's expense. I just had a conversation with him in which I told him that I was tired of being sucked dry in order to facilitate other people's agendae and that that was going to change. I am totally into the team thing, isn't that a big part of marriage?? But this deal of him being the coach and expecting me to pitch, bat, catch and field at the same time is OOOOOOOOVER. If that ultimately means divorce so be it. I don't even mind doing the lion's share of the work...but the inequity here is beyond the pale...I am constantly working, and he just does as he pleases. I do take my share of responsibility in enabling that, but...time to correct that mistake.
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