unsure !

[Starbright_SB]

Ok, so my oyfriend and i had been dating for about a year now. Lately i've been super stressed about personal stuff, and he has his own issues to deal with, and lately we've been getting into these fighting matches. Also, he's considering taking a job that might mean he has to move accross the country and he wants me to go, but i was unsure, and i almost had my mind set on breaking things off. we had worked some things out, decided to try something else, but i pretty much didnt give it a chance even though he did make an effort anc do some things differently, i kept freaking out, and on saturday i broke up with him.

 

i shoud mention now that he has some major jealousy issues around my ex, and he can't even stand the thought of me being with him before. he asked me to never speak to him or see him again, and i aggreed and my ex has never come around again. His on the other hand is hell bent on them being best friends, and claims that she wants my BF to be happy with me. I told my ex that its only fair to me that if he wants me to get my ex out of my life, that he does the same. He said that he feels bad cause she's always calling him and texting him and he ignores her and only responds occasionally.

 

So yesterday (sunday) i was feeling awful and realized that i was happy and i do want to be with him. He texted me and we ended up talking for 2 hours about everything, and we aggreed to both make a list of things that we dont like and to talk it through on wednesday. When he asked me i said that we arent back together but we also arent not, that we were talking and thats all i would say right now.

 

So today, i found out that his ex called him, and he went out to dinner with her and he added her on facebook and all that. Now i know that since tecnically we arent together he did nothing wring and is allowed to do anything he wants. But when i calle dhi and we talked about it, i found out that the last time he saw her, while we were still together she tried to kiss him (even though she claims that she wants us to be happy) and he still defended her after that and said that she only had good intentions (he didnt tell me that she tried to kiss him). I got really upset that he would even see her becasue it really hurts me, and i know that he knows that. he's mad at me for leaving him, but he still wants me back, and i still want him back, but i jut feel like there is such a double standard with the whole ex thing, and i am so unsure what to do now. I know i we get back together i will always be paranoid about her, and i know if i asked him to , he would delete her and tell her that its not fair for him to expect me to not do something and for him to do it so that she wouldnt contact him anymore, but i just dont know if i feel comfortable asking that. And i dont understand why if he knew we were gonna talk and try and work things out he would do something that would hurt me so much.

 

I dont really know what to do here, its a head versus heart thing, and i'm so confused. Any input or opinions would be great!

[BCCA]

Ex's in the picture are always going to be problematic. Generally, when I start dating a girl, the first two 'serious' questions they ask are how many people have you slept with and do you still talk to your ex's.

 

With that said, if he doesn't want you talking to or seeing your ex at all, then you have to demand the same, or ask that the rules are less restrictive on both of you. From a guys standpoint, and ex bf would only talk to his ex gf for one of two reasons: sex or reconciliation. I'm not sure if girls are the same, but women tend to be more open to just being friends.

 

I think the list thing is a good idea. I think its a good sign that you're both willing to discuss things together, and see what you can come up with. As far as the ex trying to kiss him, the key word is 'try'. I've been out and had girls try and kiss me when I had a gf, and I didnt tell my gf because nothing happened and there was no need to make a big deal out of it or upset anyone. If he wanted to, he would have kissed back and then some...obviously he didnt. And maybe she was having a lousy day and not thinking clearly, so he gave her a muligan on it. I dont think thats much to worry about.

 

I'm going to say something that you might not like, but ladies you should all take notice: when you dump someone, you have no control over what they do and no right to be upset if it involves another woman. I know, you dont expect someone to go from getting dumped to out with someone else, but its not fair to expect them to sit around crying or waiting to see what youre going to do. And everyone handles the pain differently, so going back to a familiar, comfortable person like an ex could make him feel better about things, even if it means nothing.

 

When he asked me i said that we arent back together but we also arent not, that we were talking and thats all i would say right now.

 

I would have slammed the phone down and never wanted to talk to you again if you said something like that to me. What does that even mean? Either youre together or youre not. That, to me, sounds like you dont want him seeing other people, but you dont want to explain what youve been doing or who youve been doing it with. Not to be too harsh, but thats not a fair assesment of the situation or a realistic thing to say. Again, its a yes or a no...women, stop saying things like this to us! Its very frustrating, and only leads to confusion and anger on our part. Just be straight up and realistic, guys are pretty basic creatures.