Myths that need to be busted (some common, some my own warped perception)

[kashmir]

The title says it all. I've found that myself and many others come to assume certain things that just might not be true, and it takes a lot to convince us otherwise. For me, that's a problem I've always had since I was a kid. My brain is wired differently. I misinterpret many social cues and statements and use those interpretations to fabricate an inaccurate perception. While I can sit here and admit that my perceptions are not always right, it's harder to break this habit in practice than in words. Hopefully, others can help myself and others who might be convinced of something that just isn't true.

 

Here's my list of things I assume about the opposite sex. Realize that part of me believes these things and part of me knows they're stupid and inaccurate ideas, but until all of me is convinced they're false and more positive things are actually true, I'll get nowhere.

 

• Women don't desire men for any reason besides increasing their social status in the presence of other women. They don't desire sex, any kind of intimacy, or emotional connections with men. They don't think about guys like guys think about girls. As I said, the ONLY reason for women to have boyfriends is to look better in front of other women.
  
• Branching off of that, women don't look good or do anything else to make them attractive for men. They do it to attract the attention of men, but only so they can compete with other women.
   
  These statements I've mostly gotten over, but part of them still linger in my mind sometimes.
   
  
• The above statements might be false in every or most cases except for me. ie - women desire men, they love intimacy and being with men, but they don't desire intimacy with me. I hate this thought more than the two above it. It makes me feel incredibly alone.
  
• Many women feel they are superior to men and have incredibly large egos.
  
• If a girl wants a guy, she will make that fact known to him. If she wants to escalate levels of contact or intimacy, she will either give permission to him or she will take initiative. If a guy makes a move on his own without her "permission" and only his own gut feeling, then he is viewed as sleazy and his actions will fall under abuse, forced-control, and harassment.
  
• Women, even ones that are only average looking, experience such a flood of attractive, smart, and fun guys approaching them that their value for even the most stunning guys goes far down. A guy who has these traits and has a ton going for him can do everything right - talk to her, intrigue her, and then get her number, but have her totally forget him since she's busy going out or sleeping with a number of other guys just like him.
  
• Giving a guy a real number doesn't mean you like him, and if he calls too soon then he's desperate or needy.
   
  And this one I think is not a myth, but very real:
   
  
• Negatives outweigh positives by far. A guy can have a ton of great things about him, but once you discover a flaw or he does or says something that you don't like, he's history, and you do what you can to let that flaw be known to other women.
  

 

Also, I think I should mention that what I post on this board is the peak of this state of thinking. I usually don't go about my day and think these things. Now and then I'll be very depressed and have a negative outlook, but generally my conscious is pretty positive. Still though, this hopeless and frustrating perspective rests somewhere in the back of my mind always.

[Isolde]

Kashmir, I don't have time to respond in detail, but I want to say that it is incredibly mature of you to try to see that your version of reality might not be the truth.

 

I often feel the same way. For example, I often feel guys only go on dates with me to make sure that they DON'T like me, not because they DO.

[norajane]

Reading that, I feel like you developed a vast majority of those beliefs based on the behavior of teenage girls, or maybe very very early 20's, not women. How old are you? Are you dating teenagers?

[movingonandon]

Dude, don't go that route You're way too young to build resentment .

That said, I don't necessarily disagree with the stereotypes, but with several important qualifications:

1) People try to attract other people in order to increase their quality of life. It is fact that for many of them this does NOT include building true intimacy.

2) The stereotypes you mention are only a problem if somehow you let yourself sucked into their respective fields/games. The point is as long as you have your own standards of conduct and boundaries, none of that crap matters. For example, you being upset about the possibility of ending up with a girl that only views you as a tool to enhance her status is relevant only if you actually let such woman in your life and tolerate such behavior. But since you won't, why waste time thinking about thise lowlifes anyway?

 

Another, and potentially bigger problem is that if you're too serious about the stereotypes, they can filter your perception of reality and become a self-fulfiling prophecy. So that's another good reason to not get too hung up on these feelings. No harm to indulge from time to time, but you already recognize that's counterproductive

 

I know that sounds like a long shot when you don't actually have a girlfriend at the momen, but the last thing you want is to become bitter and despondent . Although you're so young that this actually could work in your favor for a limited time

[berrieh]

Here's my list of things I assume about the opposite sex. Realize that part of me believes these things and part of me knows they're stupid and inaccurate ideas, but until all of me is convinced they're false and more positive things are actually true, I'll get nowhere.

 

One important step to consider in getting over these things is to consider why you believe these myths. That will give you insight that might help you dismantle any beliefs that are harming your life.

 

 

Women don't desire men for any reason besides increasing their social status in the presence of other women. They don't desire sex, any kind of intimacy, or emotional connections with men. They don't think about guys like guys think about girls. As I said, the ONLY reason for women to have boyfriends is to look better in front of other women.

 

Well, I think if you read the posts of women here, you'll certainly find that feelings and desire are mentioned more than worrying about other women. (This "myth" statement might be more true about HS age girls, but when girls go out on their own, they become less and less inclined to think about what others have - generally speaking.) Of course, there are women who think this way, but, in my experience, they are the rare bad eggs.

 

Branching off of that, women don't look good or do anything else to make them attractive for men. They do it to attract the attention of men, but only so they can compete with other women.

 

Partially true. Women do dress for other women mostly. Hair and makeup too. I'll give you that one. Why does it bother you if that's true? I do certain things to look attractive to men and certain things to look attractive to other women - for different reasons. I want to look attractive and put my best face forward to everyone as I feel it's a way of respecting the people I intereact with, male or female, professional, platonic, or romantic.

 

The above statements might be false in every or most cases except for me. ie - women desire men, they love intimacy and being with men, but they don't desire intimacy with me. I hate this thought more than the two above it. It makes me feel incredibly alone.

 

There are many, many women out there you've yet to meet. Believe me, there is someone out there who desires intimacy with you - or will. Several, I'm sure. (Note: If you want to be happy, and feel less alone, you have to decide to be happy, and feel less alone. You have to work on changing this fear/belief, which I think is at the root of your belief in some of these myths, if you want to overcome this.)

 

Just because it hasn't yet happened doesn't mean it isn't going to. Learn to believe in the possible.

 

Many women feel they are superior to men and have incredibly large egos.

 

Nah. Women are no more egotistical than men. What experiences made you think this?

 

If a girl wants a guy, she will make that fact known to him. If she wants to escalate levels of contact or intimacy, she will either give permission to him or she will take initiative.

 

True of many women (who aren't shy), but men miss-read signals all the time, too. Sometimes it's about learning a new definition of 'make that fact known.'

 

If a guy makes a move on his own without her "permission" and only his own gut feeling, then he is viewed as sleazy and his actions will fall under abuse, forced-control, and harassment.

 

False. One move is never sleazy unless it is wildly inappropriate (they're you're subordinate at work, you grab body parts or say inappropriate things, you climb through her window, etc). Saying, "I'd like to take you out sometime" will get no one thinking you're a creep...unless you say it creepy.

 

Women, even ones that are only average looking, experience such a flood of attractive, smart, and fun guys approaching them that their value for even the most stunning guys goes far down.

 

False. Yes, women get more attention than men, but most of it is from men they don't find that interesting. Not because those men aren't interesting, maybe, but because they aren't the right fit.

 

A guy who has these traits and has a ton going for him can do everything right - talk to her, intrigue her, and then get her number, but have her totally forget him since she's busy going out or sleeping with a number of other guys just like him.

 

Every person is unique, so there is no "just like him." And anyone who doesn't remember you is just not the right fit - male or female. It's not about doing things "right" as relationships are not games or puzzles; relationships are about finding a person who interests you and who you want to build something with, finding a collaboration. It takes the right fit.

 

Giving a guy a real number doesn't mean you like him, and if he calls too soon then he's desperate or needy.

 

I've never given a guy my number if I didn't want him to call. I seriously re-consider a guy if he doesn't call within a day and a half, and I pretty much write him off if he waits more than 3-5 days (depending on the day of the week, time of year, circumstances, etc). Girls mostly like to be called.

 

 

 

 

Negatives outweigh positives by far. A guy can have a ton of great things about him, but once you discover a flaw or he does or says something that you don't like, he's history, and you do what you can to let that flaw be known to other women.

 

Not sure this one is so real. Depends on the flaw. There are fatal flaws certainly. I tend to like people for their flaws... as long as they aren't fatal flaws. Certainly, anyone (male or female) is going to reject someone who doesn't fit what they need or want - who has a flaw that goes against that. That's human nature, not central to females.

 

 

Also, I think I should mention that what I post on this board is the peak of this state of thinking. I usually don't go about my day and think these things. Now and then I'll be very depressed and have a negative outlook, but generally my conscious is pretty positive. Still though, this hopeless and frustrating perspective rests somewhere in the back of my mind always.

 

Having these things residing in the back of your mind and maintaining a positive 'cover' is much more dangerous than bringing these to the surface. If you're having trouble in dating, examining these - and why you feel this way - is probably the best path to happiness. Won't be easy. I've had to do similar exercises myself, but it made my love life much better...what used to be a dismal desert is now a mostly fertile land.

[Vertex]

kashmir: It's interesting reading your posts, as I am of comparable age. Most girls in this bracket are just not quite there yet. I'm hoping that in a few years' time, it will change.

[IrishCarBomb]

For me, I used to always assume my original assessments and judgments were correct. I've since just talked to people as though they were just people, and let my interactions assess who those people are.

 

It's amazing how much the world opens up when you realize that the designer-brand girl may be much deeper than her image projects; the shy librarian-type girl may be much more outgoing after a little get-to-know-you time; or that the sorority girl can be super funny. There are interesting people all over the place.

 

It's also funny because I always expected this standard on the women I met, without applying it to myself. I was upset when women would dismiss me without giving me a chance to display my wit, intelligence, charm, or other abilities. However I realized that I never gave them a chance to display theirs without my own prejudice distorting it.

[Star Gazer]

For me, I used to always assume my original assessments and judgments were correct. I've since just talked to people as though they were just people, and let my interactions assess who those people are.

 

It's amazing how much the world opens up when you realize that the designer-brand girl may be much deeper than her image projects; the shy librarian-type girl may be much more outgoing after a little get-to-know-you time; or that the sorority girl can be super funny. There are interesting people all over the place.

 

It's also funny because I always expected this standard on the women I met, without applying it to myself. I was upset when women would dismiss me without giving me a chance to display my wit, intelligence, charm, or other abilities. However I realized that I never gave them a chance to display theirs without my own prejudice distorting it.

 

Spot on. I always love your posts.

[kashmir]

I'll clarify a few things about myself. I'm 19 first of all, so yes, the women I've dealt with are between the ages of 17 and 21.

 

I don't contain as much prejudice as you think I might. I'm not very trusting of people as a whole, if you gathered, but when I see someone that I think I'll like, I'll always make him/her an exception.

 

A lot of times I tend to assume the worst. Here's an example - last spring I met a cool guy who clicked musically with me really well. We wrote a few really good songs together and tried to form a band. Over the summer I called him a few times but he was kind of flaky, so I assumed he was tired of me and wanted me to stop bothering him. This fall I ran into him again, and we continued our work to make a band again. Things were going good, but he suddenly disappeared and stopped answering my texts and calls. Again, I assumed he was blowing me off. A few weeks later, I found out from his friend why he wasn't responding to me. He has bipolar disorder and would occasionally have major break downs when he stopped his meds. He had a breakdown a few weeks before talking to his friend, and he decided it was best for him to pull out this semester and spend a few months at home. So all that time I thought he was blowing me off because I was lame or annoying in his eyes, but in reality it had nothing to do with me.

 

A have had some legitimate bad experiences with girls and "friends" though. Whenever I'd open up to someone and trust him/her, he or she would essentially stab me in the back. It happened with my old band in high school, a teacher mentor I had, and these two groups of girls who seemed really into me and then completely turned on me. Those incidents have understandably made me more defensive around people. Granted, I realize that those incidents derived from those people's own insecurities and immaturity, but it still kind of saddens you when you've lost a lot of people you've trusted.

 

I guess that's what made me get these ideas about girls, including a lot of smaller scattered observations. If a girl feels she can treat me ****ty, a guy who is physically strong, mentally strong (in most ways, not in the way I address in this thread), articulate, and intelligent, and treat me like a worthless piece of dirt, then she must think pretty damn highly of herself.

[Humbleman]

Women weren't compared to Venus Flytraps for nothing!

[AlektraClementine]

OK here we go. btw I am a 31 year old female. I was surprised to see that you are 19. You are very introspective and well spoken. You've got quite a life ahead of you. Don't waste it being bitter. Take it from me.... answers below.

 

 

The title says it all. I've found that myself and many others come to assume certain things that just might not be true, and it takes a lot to convince us otherwise. For me, that's a problem I've always had since I was a kid. My brain is wired differently. I misinterpret many social cues and statements and use those interpretations to fabricate an inaccurate perception. While I can sit here and admit that my perceptions are not always right, it's harder to break this habit in practice than in words. Hopefully, others can help myself and others who might be convinced of something that just isn't true.

 

Here's my list of things I assume about the opposite sex. Realize that part of me believes these things and part of me knows they're stupid and inaccurate ideas, but until all of me is convinced they're false and more positive things are actually true, I'll get nowhere.

 

• Women don't desire men for any reason besides increasing their social status in the presence of other women. They don't desire sex, any kind of intimacy, or emotional connections with men. They don't think about guys like guys think about girls. As I said, the ONLY reason for women to have boyfriends is to look better in front of other women.
  

Not true. I desire sex and intimacy and an emotional connections with my guy. How do guys think about girls? In fact, a lot of people have asked me why I chose the guy I am with. He's overweight and not traditionally handsome. I think he's the bees knees and I love his heart. He turns me on more than any man has. But I guarantee you I'm not winning any cool points with shallow women. I couldn't care less.

 

• Branching off of that, women don't look good or do anything else to make them attractive for men. They do it to attract the attention of men, but only so they can compete with other women.
  

Well, men don't generally have the same fashion sense that women do. I know that I can put on something I think is cute and that another girl might think is cute, but to my boyfriend, it's just a weird dress. outside of clothing, I take good care of myself and I do little things I know he will like. i.e. wear my hair down with him because I know he loves my hair. Wear the perfume he likes, etc.

 

• 
   
  These statements I've mostly gotten over, but part of them still linger in my mind sometimes.
  
• The above statements might be false in every or most cases except for me. ie - women desire men, they love intimacy and being with men, but they don't desire intimacy with me. I hate this thought more than the two above it. It makes me feel incredibly alone.
  
• Many women feel they are superior to men and have incredibly large egos.
  

Haha. I do think I'm smarter than my boyfriend. But, he's far more resourceful and logical so it balances out.

 

• If a girl wants a guy, she will make that fact known to him. If she wants to escalate levels of contact or intimacy, she will either give permission to him or she will take initiative. If a guy makes a move on his own without her "permission" and only his own gut feeling, then he is viewed as sleazy and his actions will fall under abuse, forced-control, and harassment.
  

We've been conditioned to be suspicious of men this way. There are a lot of slimeballs out there who wanted us only for sex in our younger years and even now. Some have tried to coerce us into having sex when we weren't ready. Some will come up to you in a bar and say something disgusting. Let's face it, rape and sexual assault is a big problem for women. We have to be careful. If you have honest and good intentions, the common woman will tune into that and just try to remember that we have to be so much more careful in these situations than men do.

 

• Women, even ones that are only average looking, experience such a flood of attractive, smart, and fun guys approaching them that their value for even the most stunning guys goes far down. A guy who has these traits and has a ton going for him can do everything right - talk to her, intrigue her, and then get her number, but have her totally forget him since she's busy going out or sleeping with a number of other guys just like him.
  

agree with another poster on this. yes, we get approached but 9 times out of 10, it's not welcomed or desired. So put yourself in our shoes. imagine being hit on several times in a social environment by people you are not attracted to. We don't go out with everyone who flirts with us. not even close.

 

• Giving a guy a real number doesn't mean you like him, and if he calls too soon then he's desperate or needy.
  
• 
  

Can't help you here. Never given out a fake number. Why bother? Nor have I given my number to a guy I din't want to give it too. Interestingly enough, I have given my number to a fair share of guys who never called me.

 

• And this one I think is not a myth, but very real:
  
• Negatives outweigh positives by far. A guy can have a ton of great things about him, but once you discover a flaw or he does or says something that you don't like, he's history, and you do what you can to let that flaw be known to other women.
  

You are on to something here. We women can be extremely critical. We were raised with the "Prince Charming" man to look forward to in our fairy tales. Prince Charming had no flaws so a lot of us have skewed ideas about men. This is something I'm afraid women have to get over with age and with several doses of reality. This is on us. I have to remind myself every day that for all of my boyfriend's selfishness and farting and the like, that he has so much to offer me in the way of love, commitment, and loyalty.

 

Also, I think I should mention that what I post on this board is the peak of this state of thinking. I usually don't go about my day and think these things. Now and then I'll be very depressed and have a negative outlook, but generally my conscious is pretty positive. Still though, this hopeless and frustrating perspective rests somewhere in the back of my mind always.

[Ruby Slippers]

Women don't desire men for any reason besides increasing their social status in the presence of other women. They don't desire sex, any kind of intimacy, or emotional connections with men. They don't think about guys like guys think about girls. As I said, the ONLY reason for women to have boyfriends is to look better in front of other women.

The main things I want in a relationship are a real emotional connection, fun, and great sex. I don't much care what other women think of me, or anyone else, for that matter.

 

Branching off of that, women don't look good or do anything else to make them attractive for men. They do it to attract the attention of men, but only so they can compete with other women.

I don't "compete" with other women. I do my thing. If a man likes me for it, great. If not, fine. I'm not going to waste my time pretending to be someone I'm not. It'll never work, anyway, unless the guy likes me for me.

 

Many women feel they are superior to men and have incredibly large egos.

Men and women are different, for sure, but we each have our strong and weak points, as I see it.

 

If a guy makes a move on his own without her "permission" and only his own gut feeling, then he is viewed as sleazy and his actions will fall under abuse, forced-control, and harassment.

We all give signals to other people to communicate what we want. If I'm interested in a guy, he will have at least some idea.

 

Women, even ones that are only average looking, experience such a flood of attractive, smart, and fun guys approaching them that their value for even the most stunning guys goes far down. A guy who has these traits and has a ton going for him can do everything right - talk to her, intrigue her, and then get her number, but have her totally forget him since she's busy going out or sleeping with a number of other guys just like him.

I have been approached by so many different kinds of guys, from hippie musicians making very little money to research scientists with lots of money who want me to accompany them all over the world to their conferences and presentations, and lots in between. I have had more than one man tell me that if I am in a relationship with him, I can live off his income and do whatever I want. I have never let any of this attention distract me from what I really want: a real emotional connection, fun, and great sex. Most of the time I go for the creative guys with whom I can connect in that way. Money has never been a factor. If anything, men throwing money at me turns me off a little. I think, "Why do you feel you have to buy me?"

 

Giving a guy a real number doesn't mean you like him, and if he calls too soon then he's desperate or needy.

I only give my number to guys I like, and they can call whenever they want.

 

Negatives outweigh positives by far. A guy can have a ton of great things about him, but once you discover a flaw or he does or says something that you don't like, he's history, and you do what you can to let that flaw be known to other women.

Depends on the flaw. If it's a deal-breaker for me personally, then I will move on. But I won't advertise. His problems are his business.