She say's she needs space

[1ofeach]

My wife of 10 years say's she needs space. We have two children 6 & 2 and are still in the same house. There are times when she wants to hug and kiss but say's I am more like a good friend now. I have made mistakes and have told her that I am working on them. The biggest problem that I have is that she has been talking with a guy from work who is also married with kids but thay seem to talk alot. This situation has gotten me in more trouble because if I say anything I am tring to control her.

 

She say's that she wants to miss me and that she does not want a divorce at this time. She has also said that she knows that it is not fair for her to want to hug and kiss sometimes and other times not. One thing that sticks in my mide is that she has said that she may be making the biggest mistake of her life.

 

How do I give her space and kepp her close at the same time.

[skinman]

How do I give her space and kepp her close at the same time.

 

Thats a tough one buddy... on one hand if you dont try and give her the space you may end up pushing her farther away as in smothering her.. I went through the same thing your talking about for weeks before my wife finally asked me to move out.... Well its been over 5 weeks now and there doesnt seem to be any hope of saving my 16 year marriage.. I wish you the best and now is a good time to work on yourself... Dont keep telling her that you are changing.. let her see the changes without you pointing them out.. go out with friends...spend time doing something new.. I know its going to be hard, believe me I know but if you dont want her resenting you you must not try to hard.... If I had only known that my actions were pushing my wife away instead of bringing her closer I would not have done most of what I did... Dont look needy or desparate let her see you happy and in control... Its the worse thing you can do.. they lose respect for you and its hard to get it back....

 

My wife never gave me a chance and I would hate to see that in your situation... Your in my thoughts man.... hope everything works out for you...

 

Skin

[LucreziaBorgia]

"I need space" "I see you as a friend" = "I've met someone new"

 

99.9999999999999999999999999999999% this is how it is. I can guarantee you if you dig deep enough you'll see that the space she needs is to fit a new person in.

 

If you question someone about 'talking' to someone and they respond "you are trying to control me" the odds creep up to 100%.

 

It sounds jaded and cynical, but I'm telling you - go to Marriage Builders, Surviving Infidelity - heck, stick around here long enough and you'll see that in every case that starts like yours - the whole "I need space" thing, you'll see that someone is already in the picture.

 

People who are content in their marriages and are established in a home with careers and children don't need 'space'. People who aren't content still don't need 'space'. They will stay with what is easier and best for everyone. But... let an OW or OM come into the picture and suddenly what is best for everyone doesn't mean squat. They want what is best for themselves and that is when you hear the words "space" and "friends" thrown around.

 

It is a cowards way of admitting to an affair that has already happened or is going to.

 

So what do you do? Give her the space she so dearly wants. Throw her out on her ass so hard she bounces.

 

Go to a lawyer on your own. Do not tell her you are doing this. Tell your lawyer everything you have posted here, and everything you have not. Your lawyer has seen enough "friends" I'm sure to recognize it for what it is. File for full custody, the home, and arrange for her to pay you child support and alimony. Have the papers drawn up, and when this is all said and done sit her down, show her the papers and let her know that you will not live with a "friend" who is involved with a married man and that you do not want your children in that environment either. Tell her that she has to leave the house, and wish her well in her new life. Contact MM's W and let her know what is going down. She needs to know, for sure.

 

I can tell you this - when you shock her with this and she sees that she stands to land square on her ass with nothing to show for her life except child support payments and alimony, she will be more receptive to what you have to say, that is...

 

You have a choice: you come clean and we go to marriage counseling, or you are out. Period. Do not let her argue, explain or justify. She will likely admit an emotional involvement, but swear against a physical one. You can bet the farm if she does that, then the parts she is leaving out are far worse than you can imagine. You have to do into this KNOWING that she is in an affair, not guessing - and you have to be tough about it. If she tries to say anything about MM, simply repeat her options: she comes clean and goes to MC or she is out.

 

She'll be far more receptive with that bucket of cold water in her face, and far less needing of "space". Your marriage cannot be fixed until you get rid of this "space" issue.

[pelicanpreacher]

No, no, no, no, no...If you have not been intentionally abusing your wife emotionally, physically, or spiritually then she has stepped across a bright dayglow line by speaking to anyone, especially of the opposite sex, about any details of your marriage. If she feels this driving need to talk about your marriage to someone besides you then she is to get her butt into counseling where there is minimal chance that emotional transference can occur. It is patently unfair for her to breach the marital contract in this way and then turn around and call you controlling when you, the offended party, objects!

[LakesideDream]

This is the part I like least about LS. Guys logging in, often new users reeling in dispair over having received the "I need space" speach.

 

First, the previous poster LB was correct. I need space is female code for "I have someone else I would like to share my body with, and you are in the way". Never seen it fail. Anyone out there have a counter example please post!

 

She doesen't want to divorce you "yet" for the same reason that she has last fashion seasons shoes in the closet. She knows the old shoes fit, even if they don't make her feel special when she wears them. She has put you into the "Mr. Back Up" role. One of the few things you CAN do that may have an effect (5% chance) is to refuse to allow yourself to be in the back up role. Make it clear that you become a free agent the minute she does. Try not to let her know you are more invested in the relationship than she is.

 

You also need to prepare yourself for the reality that your wife, if she "decides" to return to the marriage will almost undoubtedly come back after her vagina and other body parts have been well excercised by another male(s). That part didn't work for me. It was a deal breaker.

 

Start weighing these things in your mind now. You may want to short circuit the process by paying a visit to a local attorney/divorce shark. Find out your legal options. Present them to your STBXW and see what her thoughts are. A little reality might work in your favor.

 

Sadly, all of this probably doesen't make a bit of difference. Once you've received the "Space" speach, it's probably a past due situation. In this wonderful 21st century of ours your wife holds all the cards. Society supports her, the government supports her, her girlfriends support her, even Oprah and Dr. Phil support her. Who supports you? People without names on LoveShack.. kinda unfair.

[Woggle]

She doesn't want a divorce but I say give her one anyway. Tell her that either we work on the marriage or we go to divorce court after the holidays. Treat her like a roomate that you live with until she is ready to be married to you again. Give her a true taste of the single life she so craves and show some backbone. It might shock her back into wanting to work on the marriage or it might give you the confidence to live without her. Eother way you will be better off.

[sumdude]

As calmly and coolly as you can..

 

Pull out her largest suitcases and open them.

 

Point inside them then out the door and tell her there's lots of space for her out there and there's no coming back unless there's a total re commitment to the marriage.

[teerockness]

1ofeach - don't be swayed by the "you're trying to control me" speech. That's the oldest trick in the book - simple deflection.

 

That's up there with "I didn't tell you because you'd be mad." Ugghh. Just games.

 

What's the current situation? Your thread feels similar to my situation and I'm curious if you're staying strong on this one.

 

For what's it worth, I recommend strong action. You don't have to pull out the suitcases, but start talking about separation. Set a date for a separation and tell her that if she doesn't want to commit to the marriage and attend counseling, she needs to move out.

 

Claim you're doing it for her benefit - let her go "find herself".

 

I know this degree of strength is difficult given the fact that you have kids.

 

Hang tough brother. We guys are in this with you.

[mendsley]

1ofeach, I am in your exact situation. 4 months ago my wife of ten years told me that she wanted to move back to her home town so she could work on things, she told me the common reason; I dont talk to her no more, we never do anything, and i never pick up on her attempts to tell me there is problems and the sad truth is she is correct. I could not figure it out how she could just pick up and leave, I just got promoted at work we were going to move to a very nice city and the kids were going to be in better schools. Well I moved to the new city and she moved back home, ten hours away. She told me she still loves me but, saw me as more of a friend and the spark is no longer there but she said she did not want to do the divorce thing she just wanted to see if she could proove to herself she could be independant and go from there. Well I did some digging and found out that she has been having an online affair since June of this year. I had NO clue she would of ever done this, people would ask if maybe this is going on like that and I would say there is no way she respects me way too much. I have gone thru many ups and downs thru this whole process and the most important is to focus on controlling your mind. It is easy for people to say ahh forget your loved one you don't need them anyways, well it's not that easy.

 

My wife has been telling me this whole time that she does not want a divorce and I do believe she thinks that, but that sad truth is her mind is confused but her actions are what I feed off of. My wife make a 5% effort to contact me, and I do the other 95%. When I did see her for a few days she was really distant, maybe a back scratch here and there but that is it, she watched really close what she says around me. So the only thing I do, and have been seeing a little change, is be very nice, supportive and increase the affection with the kids. But you also have to start less contact and make her start thinking what is he doing. I can tell you that the way you act and talk around them must be different. You CANNOT ask for forgiveness, you CANNOT dig for answers and most important you have to make them think that they DO NOT control the current situation. This is a game of wits and physcology, the poeple here will give you very good advice because they have seen and experienced this same situation over and over again. So good luck and remember to focus on controlling your mind I am no professional but I am trying everything under the sun to be back with my family and this is the only thing that I feel makes things 1% better. The sad truth is I know this will end in divorce but you have to try!