raspberries Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Well guys, here I am, really wanting to do the best for everyone. As explained in my past threads, I was in a R with a MM, who was in an open marriage. I ended up falling for him, knowing that the whole situation was temporary. His wife decided a few months ago that she wanted to close the relationship. I have always suspected that I was the reason for it, but was never positive. When we ended the R we wanted to stay as friends. We have talked occasionally, and have seen each other in a social atmosphere with friends around a couple times. And as time goes on, it has become slightly easier. Now, this past weekend, I travelled to the town, where we had both been living when we met, for my birthday. We had been intouch about going for a coffee or maybe him joining some of our mutual friends and I for drinks. So, yesterday, he called me in the afternoon to say happy birthday, and to say he was planning on coming out for drinks. He showed up and everything went really smooth. However, in talking, we started to discuss how each of us were doing since things ended. We both agreed it's been a bit hard, but we knew there was an end and had discussed it before it came. But then, he told me that his wife didn't like that he was going out to see me last night. At that point, I told him i didn't want to be the reason for any complications with them getting their feet back on the ground. Later on, we were just having a general conversation, and I made a crack along the lines of, "Does she really have you on that tight of a leash these days? or is it just when I'm involved?" Turns out, it's only when I'm involved. This is bothering me so much. As I completely respect her position in the situation. So, I spent a large portion of my 8 hours of travel today thinking about what the best thing to do is. I have decided that I am going to propose NC, at least for the next few months. This will hopefully give them some time and space to settle back into the marriage, and he can concentrate souly on the marriage, and not have me as a distraction on the side. This is probably the hardest decission for me to make. But, it is eating away at me that I am a burden to the regaining of trust, etc. in their marriage. I don't want to be that. Also, even though we don't talk that often now, when we do, he is often helping me deal with a lot of things, unrelated to us, as he has gone through similar things, and can relate. But I feel that it's selfish to continue being that burden so that I can have a support, when the trust in his marriage is on the line. So I guess what I'm looking for here, is what do you folks think? Do you think proposing NC for a few months (during which, i don't even plan to visit friends in that town) is a good idea. Permanent NC will not happen, as I am moving back to the town in the Spring for work, we have so many mutual friends there, and it's a small town, so you run into people just walking down the street or at the coffee shop. But I'm hoping that some percentage of you will agree that if I give them a few months, they can use them to get their feet back on the ground as a monogomous couple. If I could avoid doing NC at all, I would, as we are both fine with remaining friends. I'm doing this more for his wifes' sake....thoughts?
wildsoul Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Sounds like the perfect response! When a M is monogamous, then it usually works better if the couples don't stay seperate friends with any of their former sexual partners. And this is double so as your relationship with him was definitely romantic with him only, not at all platonic, and not with her at all either. Stepping out of the picture is the classy thing to do. This decision speaks volumes about your character. Do it and make it stick. In a few months, perhaps you can be friends with him again. It's still likely to get funky though unless you also become friends with her at that time. Maybe that could actually work though, as long as you really don't harbor romantic feelings for him any more. If you do, then better to stay away altogether. I hope her husband will be a little more sensitive too. IMO, he should be the one putting in the boundary here, so the women don't have to. That would be the classy thing for him to do! But at least you are.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 You ended up falling for him - Fact is, why be friends with him after you do some NC? You say it's for his wife's sake, but are you truly going to use this time to get over him or are you laying low, in hopes his wife will change her mind in the future? I just see you getting hurt later on, and if you hang onto a friendship with him, you'll still be emotionally attached which will prevent you from finding someone else, let alone allow your heart to be open to someone else.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 His wife decided a few months ago that she wanted to close the relationship. I have always suspected that I was the reason for it, but was never positive. His wife probably realized that you were falling for her husband and he was having feelings for you, which DOES interfer in their marriage, reguardless that it was open, there are/were rules to follow and he broke them if he was falling for you as well.
Author raspberries Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Funny you should ask if perhaps I'm just laying low in hopes the W will change her mind in the future. I'm not...I've actually had this dicussion with the MM. They have been together since high school, (he's now 38), the reason they opened the marriage was to have that chance to experience other things, without going behind the others back. They did it, and it won't happen again. I just want to help clear the air to make things easier for them, and give her less to worry about. As there are a lot of factors that I completely understand why she'd be skeptical of me. I'm 16 years younger than him, she has never met me, I wasn't just a "dinner and bed" situation, me and him hung out with the same people and at the same social venues, which therefore meant we had our "dates", as well as saw each other casually while out socializing with others. We also had phone calls and emails on an almost daily basis. (which he didn't do with other FWB's) Now, about meeting her after NC and befriending her. She made a request just over a month ago, to meet me. When he told me this, i went into panic mode and said I wasn't sure i was THAT mature to deal with meeting her. Turns out, he had already told her he wasn't comfortable with her meeting me. I never got a reason for why he was uncomfortable....in hind sight, it might have helped put her at ease....but at the same time, it could have made things worse....I don't know....
Recommended Posts