datingdivorcedfather Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I have gone to my close friends and talked to them, but I feel like they are giving me the answers I want to hear and I am just looking for some unbias advice. OK - here is the short version of the story. My good guy friend of mine started the divorce proceedings about 10 months ago (give or take). The divorce is moving along and him and his ex wife get along fine. There are 2 kids involved. 11(g) and 8(b). Kids are taking it as well as kids can take it. A few months into the divorce, we realized that our friendship had grown into more and since then have been dating. I have not meet the kids yet (and that is OK), that decision will be up to him and his ex. And yes, she knows about me and is indifferent. OK-here is the problem. He doesn't talk to me about the divorce or his feelings at it relates to the divorce. We talk about other things and our relationship is good. Has it's ups and downs, but that's normal. And with the holidays he is even talking less about everything. I know that he isn't regretting his decision, we have talked about that. I just don't know how to act during the holidays. I want to be cheerful and enjoy the holiday's, but I'm concerned he will look at it like I don't care. How do i get him to talk without nagging? Or how do I just ignore that he is going thru this life changing event, but not appear that I don't care. And I have never been married, so I can't even come close to relating to what he is going thru.
Gremio Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Since you have been friends for some time, are you sure you want to alter that and proceed further? is it possible you have been single for a while and are just lonely? From what I gather, perhaps the divorce may be a sore spot and he just doesn't want to talk about it out loud. I am very open with my friends, but sometimes when something is really irking me, I don't always spit it out right away. If you two truely are friends, you should be able to just spit it out and ask him to be more open. It seems you're comfortable with each other.
Author datingdivorcedfather Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 yeah, putting our friendship is on the line is so worth the chance for this great relationship. We discussed that before anything really happened. We both realize that if the relationship turns ugly we most likely will loss our friendship, but we are playing the odds. He doesn't have anyone really to talk to and that can't be healthy. I have tried to talk with him and he does open up when I force him, but then I feel like I am nagging. So what? Just be my chipper during the holidays?
sunshinegirl Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Oh dear, honey. at risk of totally projecting my experience onto you, I would be very very careful about getting involved with him at this point. It is not a good sign that he doesn't talk about the divorce. Do you know how much or how little he has grieved it, processed it, learned from it, and put it in his past? My ex-boyfriend was also going through a divorce, it was proceeding apace, on the surface he seemed okay, but I got dumped two weeks after the divorce was finalized...and when he cheated on me with someone else. My best interpretation of events is that my ex freaked out when the actual divorce went through, never having actually dealt with it. And I turned out to have been his "transition person," his soft landing space, his comfort and solace and escape from processing the loss of his marriage. So I would be very very very very wary. In fact, if you really want to give the relationship a real shot, wait until his divorce has been finalized for 6 months to a year. Encourage him to date others in the meantime. Then you will be at much less risk of being his transition person.
Author datingdivorcedfather Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 And that has been one of my big concerns, being the rebound girl. When we 1st started dating we were spending almost every free moment together and I finally forced myself to spend more time at my place. I wanted him to have that "free" time and work issues on his own and he has finally started to do that, but I can't understand why he can't talk to me. He says he feels bad laying any of his issues on me and that I just deserve the happy times with him. I have tried to explain over and over that we are in a relationship and he has to share the good and bad, but he isn't coming around. 6 months???? Anything shorter
sunshinegirl Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Look, it's less about the amount of time and more that he needs to get to a place in his life where he is ready and truly available for the kind of relationship you want to have. That doesn't happen overnight. Let me repeat: that doesn't happen overnight. And honestly, even if he claims he's ready, chances are that, if it's less than 6 months post divorce, he hasn't dated anyone else, and he hasn't verbally processed it with anybody, he's not going to be ready. You know, people told me when I started dating my ex that they wouldn't ever date a separated person because they were unlikely to be emotionally ready for a real relationship. I didn't take the advice because I was convinced my ex was different, that he had processed things already, that because he said he was ready and seemed to want me, that we were going to be some great exception to the rule. And we were together for over a year, talked about moving in together, traveled the world together, spent a ton of time together, I knew his family and daughter very well.... but in the end, I wasn't any kind of exception to the rule. I was discarded as quickly as yesterday's paper when he freaked out, cheated, and left me for someone else. Buyer beware. But hey, sometimes we insist on learning these lessons first hand, so... do what you want to do and just be prepared for it not to go as you hope.
2sure Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I have seen other posts on here referring to a book called (something like) : My boyfriend's seperation. Apparently there are other people out there dealing with the specific problems of dating someone in the midst of divorce. The poster I have seen mention the book is Wildsoul.
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