The Seeker Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 About a month ago I posted about a girl I had dated three years ago in college. We broke up and lost touch after graduating and moving to opposite sides of the country, then she contacted me on Facebook in August saying she had moved near me. I wasn't really sure what to expect after we met up, but after a few times of hanging out (mostly in group settings) things got a little flirty between us, we were talking a lot during the week, and she even gave me a quick kiss goodnight one time. Her friends would even make comments like she "talks about me a lot." So I figured there was a potential for something more to happen between us again but I wasn't really sure how to approach that given our history. Last time we saw each other, though, I guess that counted as a "date," but at the time I didn't really think of it as one. We went to see a movie and had dinner, just the two of us. It just kinda lined up as hanging out on the weekend, neither of us had really asked the other out but when the time came it turned out to be just us. I felt like I was getting (and probably sending) mixed signals that night. So there I am, not sure if it was a date and I ended up not doing date-like things, like ... pay. And to add to that confusion, I went to give her a hug at the end of the night and we (briefly) kissed goodnight. Anyway, I haven't seen her since then, which was about a month ago. She bailed on me a few weekends ago and then has been busy spending time with friends every other time I bring up hanging out on the weekend. I figured I was an idiot last time I saw her and got friendzoned. I'd been hearing from her less and less and holding a conversation with her was getting to be like pulling teeth, which just made me feel more like a sap. With some advice I got with the last post, I backed off a bit to give her some space, but really I just figured I blew my shot and gave up on starting something new. Then the week before Thanksgiving, she suddenly starts chatting me up almost every evening again; acting a little flirty, saying things like "sweet dreams" before I go to sleep, and texting me out of the blue to say hi and see how my drive home for the holiday went ... things I don't think a girl would say to some guy she just friendzoned (am I wrong?). I also got her to sort of agree to check out this one ice skating rink "sometime," although given her track record this past month I'm half expecting her to bail. So now it seems to me like something may still be there and maybe I haven't totally screwed up, only half. I guess I have the advantage of not being just some random guy, but someone she knows she can get along with and date. Still, I'm not sure how to get out of this friendzone I got myself into. Do I just straight up ask her out, maybe try to push the ice skating thing? Keep encouraging hanging out as friends and go from there? At this point, I'd be happy with actually seeing her under any situation. Not seeing her is making getting out of the friendzone difficult.
Perry Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 She could be thinking the same thing you are about her. During a casual conversation, you could say something like one of these?: "Have you ever thought about you and I going on a real date?" "Have you ever thought about us getting back together again? Or do you think that it is better just this way?" Just ask.
D-Jam Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I agree with Perry. Just put it all on the line and either scare her off or get her back. Better one extreme or the other than this "iffy" crap.
Charles1978 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I have escaped the friend zone before. But it takes drastic measures. I decided to just stop putting forth any effort. I also resolved to do nothing with her... I had been meeting her for drinks on occasion. So I withdrew from the situation. It didn't take her long to ask me why. Then I laid it on her. Told her that I don't do the friend thing with girls I am interested in and attracted to. Believe me, I was firmly planted in the friend zone. Right then and there, she asked me if I would consider a relationship. So deep down, she had the same feelings. Something just needed to happen to bring it out. And had nothing happened, it would have been ok, because my mind was made up about my course of action and I was ok with it.
Author The Seeker Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Well, I haven't heard from her in the day or two since your responses, but next time we speak I think I will try and bring it up like Perry and D-Jam suggested.
bubbafadass Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 im with the other people mate,if you want to be with the girl,then just go for it,at least you will know either way,theres nothing worse than sitting around waiting for things to happen,you have to make them happen,but are you sure you wanna get back with a girl you already split with?must of been a reason deep down y it ended in the first place m8
Author The Seeker Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 but are you sure you wanna get back with a girl you already split with?must of been a reason deep down y it ended in the first place m8 The major reason was we were going to be three time zones apart after graduation.
Author The Seeker Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Well, I saw her on Friday. She actually came to me before I had a chance to talk to her and suggested we do something. I decided to just treat it like a date, paid for her dinner, which she really seemed to appreciate, brought some homemade treats for dessert (including her favorite), which she also really liked. We went back to her place to watch a movie afterward, and things were going pretty well. She was getting all cozy, curling up and leaning on my shoulder and whatnot, but some outside influences kinda killed the mood a little while later. Nothing I or she did, but still, I had to end up leaving a little early. When I left I asked her when we could see each other again, and she immediately said she couldn't do anything the next day, which kinda indicated to me she wanted to do something soon but had prior plans. We settled on "before Christmas" but haven't set down a date yet. Another interesting thing was, during dinner we were talking about how my job is doing cutbacks and letting some people go, and while they haven't axed me yet she suggested I look for work closer to her (we live about 40 min away and rush hour traffic can make that trip hell). As an aside, I had plans with a buddy of mine to go to a microbrewery on Saturday, but he got real sick and had to cancel so I didn't go. I talked to her briefly online on Sunday and it turns out her Saturday plans took her to the same place. Damn germs.
Bells Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Sounds like my current situation with a "Wishy washy" girl I've been seeing...wishy washy meaning she can't make up her mind as to what she wants to do on the weekend.
carhill Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 She's seeing someone else. I sense it. OP, I've known (and do know) a number of women personally who are in R's/married and have no problem flirting with me and using me for a situational ego feed. They know I am/was firmly in their friend-zone but are/were just toying with me to feed their egos. When I was younger, I was ignorant of this. Now, as an older man, I see it for what it is and don't attach anything significant to it. I call it equalizing the energy. BTW, if her "friends" are female, they're probably right about her talking about you. She talks with them about you and they cook up interesting ways of playing with you, like when the tell you she's talking about you A classic was "your ears must be burning" Next time (and there will be a next time, trust me), do the date thing and approach her sexually while on the date. IOW, kiss her with sexual intent rather than with friendly intent. You know each other, for years, so it's not like you're new to each other. Step up your signals. Do not go back to her place unless you intend to have sex her. Stop being a buddy. If she asks, tell her you feel differently now (unless that kiss led to sexual behaviors you wish to escalate) and would rather say goodnight here. Kiss her goodnight and go. The key is you take control and lead. This is how you evolve from friend to lover. Up to now, she's been doing the leading. Can you see that?
sunshinegirl Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 She's seeing someone else. I sense it. Really? I don't get that AT ALL. She is dropping hints LEFT AND RIGHT that she likes you, and so far, you're not jumping on them to make something happen with her! That's what she's waiting for you to do, OP. I don't recommend talking with her about whether there's relationship potential. Just ACT on it. KISS her. Like someone else said, stop with all the wishy washy stuff.
carhill Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Re-read the OP. I'll let him prove me wrong Years of experience as a single man going through exactly what he's describing prompted my response. I would highly recommend you follow the prior poster's suggestion, one time, and, if you do not feel a positive and marked response, move on. You dated this person in college so you know her and presumably had sex with her. If she's serious, she'll respond in serious and no-nonsense manner. If she's not, she's not worth your time, especially with the track record since "coming back into your life". If you're happy with being a buddy, absolutely do that, but don't waffle.
Author The Seeker Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 I don't recommend talking with her about whether there's relationship potential. Just ACT on it. KISS her. Like someone else said, stop with all the wishy washy stuff. Heh, I actually did this last time I saw her, before this past Friday (I kind of touched on this in the OP). She didn't push me away but she didn't try to prolong it either. She was starting to be kind of wishy washy a few weeks before then and after that kiss attempt I didn't see her and pretty much got a cold shoulder for ~6 weeks. Now, you are right, she is dropping hints left and right ... I am picking up on them (I'm not COMPLETELY oblivious, lol, just half). With the way things had been going on Friday, I wanted to try kissing her again, but like I said outside circumstances necessitated me leaving and by then that was no situation to try that. I was really just posting about Friday to be like, look at all the hints she's dropping! Sweet! Damn that other thing that happened that made me have to leave. P.S. Unless she is actually lying to my face, she isn't seeing anyone. And, well, given how long I've known her, I'm going to trust that she isn't lying to me.
carhill Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 OP, seriously, this is someone you've been intimate with in the past. You're familiar with each other. When you see signals that she's receptive, why all this angst about pushing those familiar buttons with her? I understand the emotional component, the past, but that was then and this is now. What outside circumstances caused you to leave? Even if another person showed up, merely walking outside and saying goodbye there would've been fine. Did the building burn down?
Author The Seeker Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Did the building burn down? Rofl. Seriously, though, I had to leave. And it's not like I left without saying goodbye. It's in the past now, anyway. Really, I'm not being angsty. I was looking at Friday as a good thing, even if things got cut short.
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