Rogerroger Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I want a divorce from my wife of 9 years who is physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive, alcoholic, and suffers from some kind of personality disorder. The problem is that she has threatened to wage all out war on me if we should ever divorce. She has threatened to lie in court and allege abuse of her and our two children (20 month old twins). She has screamed at our babies to shut up, called my daughter a "little bitch" and an "idiot". Naturally, I am VERY concerned about her getting even partial custody. I have caught some of this on tape, but have been told that courts may not allow such recordings into evidence. As it is, we are stretched to our financial limit. She has promised to "make me pay". I can barely afford our mortgage, much less legal fees, spousal support, etc. I can't sell our house in today's market. I have been advised to take the kids and flee to a domestic violence shelter, but my state has a poor record of supporting men in domestic violence cases. Besides, I would be absolutely financially ruined if I abandoned my house. BUT, if it is my final option, I will do it to protect my kids, and myself from more abuse. Has anyone else out there been through something similar and come through ok? I think it would help to know others have done it.
sadintexas Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I went through something similar, but I am a woman so I think it made it easier for me to win in court. My suggestion to you is to find an attorney now. Find one that has experience dealing with this type of person. Take your time to choose the right attorney for your situation because s/he will be worth his weight in gold during the divorce. To me, it's worth the extra money up front to have a good attorney that knows how to deal with disordered people. It will most likely save you money in the long run. Your attorney should have some good advice for what you can do that will be legal in your state and can recommend steps you need to take BEFORE you leave her. Everything you do before you leave can come back to haunt you, so you have to play your cards carefully. Divorcing a disorderd spouse can be very difficult. When you're in the midst of it, it may seem like it will never end, but know that things are much better on the other side. You WILL get through it. Planning is essential though, so make your escape carefully. One thing that I encounted while divorcing my NPD xH was that his abuse escalated. My attorney finally suggested handling all correspondence from him and to him, and I can tell you, that really saved me emotionally. I highly recommend that.
Author Rogerroger Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 Thanks for responding. I'm planning to consult an attorney for advice. Part of the problem is that it is difficult to schedule an appointment without my wife's knowledge. She tracks my movements pretty much all the time. I've read so many accounts of battered men who end up getting accused of being the batterers. It's a bit intimidating. I have probably close to 30 hours of audio evidence, but have been told that I can't rely only on that. I guess there's nothing to do but prepare as best I can and then hope for the best.
2sure Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Is there anyway you can talk her into seeing a doctor and getting therapy?? Your children must be protected....if you cant take them with you, you may have to stay. Does she have any family that is aware and as concerned as you?? Check with an attorney, and see how to go about getting someone committed involuntarilly. Next time she is drunk, let her build into a rage...and call an ambulance, the police will come too. I know this sounds harsh and underhanded. But its done. When someone has a record of being hauled off in a drunken rage...the police report looks BAD in court.
Ronni_W Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 it is difficult to schedule an appointment without my wife's knowledge. She tracks my movements You may need to ask for help from a trusted colleague, friend or sibling -- arrange a fake business meeting, or tennis game, or whatever. Alternatively, call a lawyer from work or someplace else, and get her/his input on how best to start handling things. I'm sorry that you and your children are going through this. Wishing you the best of outcomes.
Author Rogerroger Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 Is there anyway you can talk her into seeing a doctor and getting therapy?? Your children must be protected....if you cant take them with you, you may have to stay. Does she have any family that is aware and as concerned as you?? Check with an attorney, and see how to go about getting someone committed involuntarilly. Next time she is drunk, let her build into a rage...and call an ambulance, the police will come too. I know this sounds harsh and underhanded. But its done. When someone has a record of being hauled off in a drunken rage...the police report looks BAD in court. (A) She is already in therapy, but it isn't helping. (B) She has been committed involuntarily a few years back. © A few weeks ago I did call the police because she had overdosed on booze and xanax, but she wasn't violent when they got here -- just really sleepy. I don't like to leave the kids with her even to go to the store. I have no social life at all. She's stripped that away from me. I think I just have to get all my ducks in a row and then get out.
sadintexas Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Yes, that sounds like what you need to do for you and your children. I would think her being committed, and a police report (hopefully) from that last incident will help you. Good luck, and please keep us posted. We're here if you want to vent or talk!
Konfuzion Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I am a man and I have been threw it twice, not stuff I want to speak about on a public forum but for your sake and the sake of your kids here goes. I left my wife back in 1998 my oldest child was 3 and my little one was 6 months old. I had to leave her because she was doing drugs, staying out all night drinking, and sleeping with my best friend. When I left her I was extremely worried about our two children but my ex went out and got a restraining order on me saying I was threatening her so I wasn't able to even see them. So I called child protective services and they ended up taking the children into custody after investigating my ex over a few week period, they did not place the children with me because my ex told them I had physiological issues, that I was abusive, that I did drugs, and that I drank excessively. Fortunately for me I had a family friend that was a foster parent and I asked the state to place the children with her. I spent the next six months jumping through hoops and clearing my name, and the children were finally placed back in my care and I was awarded full sole legal custody and my ex didn't even have visitation. The bill for this was about $20,000.00 The children remained in my care for 4 years and then their mother abducted them, I did not do the right thing in this situation I called the police and they said I needed to call the police in the city where she lived and the police in that city said I needed to call the police in.... And I ended up getting frustrated and decided I didn't need the police and that i would find them on my own, which I did but it took me three years. Once I found them I ended up in another custody battle because the judge was an idiot and he basically ignored the previous order because it was from a different state. Anyway long story short it took me a year to get 50/50 custody and another 2 years to get full custody again. Basically my ex finally messed up and the judge saw her true colors, and the same thing will happen with you both of your true colors will come out so if she is the bad person you say she is you will get the kids. Anyway bill on the second time around is about $80,000.00 and still going. Best of luck to you. If I ramble on in this post I am sorry I am drunk right now but I feel like I can totally relate to what your going threw so i had to reply. If you have any questions for me I will be happy to answer, pm, give you my # whatever. Fight for your kids man... The house doesn't mean jack! Oh and just for the record I have full custody of my children again, and my ex isnt even alowed visitation.
Author Rogerroger Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Thanks to all who have responded, especially Konfuzion, for whom I reserve a special thanks for sharing your experience. It gives me some hope that it is possible to come out on top (broke, but on top where it counts!).
Lishy Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I am going through this right now with my BPD ex - It is so frightening I cant even write a post about it. I will stand up for what is right for my son though, no matter how scared I feel!!
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