bluesea718 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I met "D" through EHarmony. I'm 43, he's 51. We've both been divorced once. I have kids, he doesn't. We talked for several weeks before meeting in mid-July. We dated a couple of times, then stopped dating, but continued talking daily. We started dating again in late August. I love him and I tell him so on a regular basis , and he doesn't say anything in response. He used to tell me "Thank you", and I told him to stop because he didn't need to thank me for my feelings. This past weekend, I talked to him about the lack of emotional intimacy on his part. I told him that I didn't expect him to verbalize feelings that he DOESN'T have just to make me happy - just tell me how he truly feels. I got zero response. I mean, he did not say ANYTHING. I have never had this problem before and I don't know how to proceed. I want to continue our relationship but I don't want to get deeper into this (and open myself to more hurt) if he isn't going to involve himself emotionally. I would appreciate any & all advice. Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shygirl15 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 You have dated for almost 4 months now. He should be able to open up and trust you with his feelings by now. Do you detect any hung ups, from his past relationship(s) or marriage? I'm also freaking out on this myself; haven't dropped the L word on my BF yet, but plan to do so this week. I will definitely not like it if he thanks me for it
Author bluesea718 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 No, I haven't detected any hang-ups of any kind. His divorce is ancient history (14 years ago) after a short marriage (6 years) that was over for a long time. As much as it would hurt me to break it off with him, I know that I'm only opening myself up to more hurt if I stay and he never makes any kind of emotional commitment. I guess the whole reason for my post is that I'm asking what "should" he be able to do, as far as verbalizing his feelings. I know that there are no hard & fast "shoulds" in a relationship, but at what point, should I be concerned.
shockandawed Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I think you have every right to be concerned. Not so much that he hasn't said in that he appears to be completely unwilling to communicate with you. There is no rule on exactly how long you should be in a relationship before you say it. I am at the 4 month mark myself and we say it back and forth. While there isn't any rule, I do think common courtesy is that both parties are able to discuss it freely. If he isn't in love with you, he at least owes you that explanation. You make him sound void of any emotions. How is your relationship other than this subject? How does he treat you? Does he show you love? If he is wonderful to you otherwise, then it may just be difficult for him. My father is that way. He is a great and kind man. He has been married to my Mom for 55 years and we have a great relationship as well. He is always there for anything I need. We just never say I love you to each other..it's there, and we both know it, just don't say it. I am not sure if he says it to my mom on a regular basis, but his actions are very clear.
Author bluesea718 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 You make him sound void of any emotions. How is your relationship other than this subject? How does he treat you? Does he show you love? There really isn't any emotional intimacy on his part. He doesn't tell me anything about his feelings for me. He has started telling me in the last month or so that he misses me but only in response to me telling him that I miss him. We live 70 miles apart and only see each other on the weekends, but talk a couple of times a day. I frequently tell him that he means the world to me, I adore him, and of course that I love him. The only reponse to these things is silence (ever since I told him that he shouldn't thank me). He seems to show that he cares in his actions. He holds me so tightly when we lie down together. He helps me with things around the house when he comes to visit - he'll fire up the vacuum cleaner, empty/fill the dishwasher, etc. He needs to be able to verbalize his feelings - that's a "must-have" for me. If he can't tell me that he loves me, then how can there be a future for us? I am looking for a long-term relationship, hopefully marriage, and I don't have high hopes for that at this point.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I told him that I didn't expect him to verbalize feelings that he DOESN'T have just to make me happy - just tell me how he truly feels. I got zero response. I mean, he did not say ANYTHING. Uh...that sounds like your answer to me. You told him NOT to verbalize if he didn't feel anything. He chose to not verbalize. What is the angry face for? I think he was playing it safe by not getting into a "thing" with you about it. Either he's not ready and COULD be one day, or he never will be.
Gremio Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 blue, I can relate to you. I am a mid 20s male. My last LTR lasted about a year and a half. We were inseparable, and loved each other very much. About seven months in, I finally had the courage to say the L word to her (neither of us had said it at this point). I remember everyday trying to find the courage to say it, lying it bed just looking at her while she sleeps, thinking how I should say it, and then I finally did. I said it to her, and I got nothing back... The next time I said it, I got an "okay". This is after seven months. I realized after I ended our relationship that the woman didn't have a spine in her body. She was scared to make decisions and show her feelings. After we broke up, she said "I love you" but I told her it was too late. She couldn't say it when I held her in my arms and looked into her eyes and said those words, but after I ended the relationship, she finally had the guts to say it. Based on your story though, I can say run away. It's obvious he doesn't have feelings for you. He may be attracted to you but he definately doesn't love you at this point, and I honestly don't see it changing.
JamesM Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Ditto SSC's comments. He is just not that into you...yet. This does not mean he won't be, but he isn't yet. The more you say I love you to him, the more he feels the pressure to come up with a response. I am not sure why you feel the need to keep saying it, because if he does not respond, how do you feel? Are you saying it because you mean it, or are you saying it in hopes that he responds likewise? If you were saying it because YOU mean it, then I don't think there would be this thread. I think you would be satisfied in simply having told him. If you say it for his response to be likewise (and I understand the need for reassurance), then do you really expect that things will change? Would it not be better to wait until he takes the initiative? Patience, patience, patience. If he will love you, then he will say it or will show it. If he does not, then the two of you will move on. How long will you wait?
Shygirl15 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 He needs to be able to verbalize his feelings - that's a "must-have" for me. Maybe you need to express to him that verbalizing his feelings is a must-have for you. He appears to be a good man, who's just too scared to open up, perhaps.
marlena Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Personally, I would never say the big L word to someone a second time (actually I never say it first) if he did not respond in the same way. My advice? Stop telling him that you love him, chill out, force yourself to gain some emotional distance, be more realistic, be prepared for all outcomes and see where it goes within a logical time frame. I'd also be aware that he has a life that you may not know about as this is a LDR.
JamesM Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 He needs to be able to verbalize his feelings - that's a "must-have" for me. If he can't tell me that he loves me, then how can there be a future for us? I am looking for a long-term relationship, hopefully marriage, and I don't have high hopes for that at this point. If you want him to verbalize his feelings yet if he cannot say that he loves you you question a future, then what you really want is for him to verbalize that he loves you, correct? What would you do if his response to your "I Love You" is a "That is great, but I don't feel that today. I think though that the more I am with you, the more I feel some of the same feelings you have. If it keeps going this way, then I think I will love you, too." What would you say? Would you be hurt? Or since you want him to verbalize his feelings and he did, would you feel good knowing that he did so? What you really want is for him to respond with an "I love you, too," so that you can then move on to the next step of "Let's get married." Correct? What is wrong with enjoying each date with him and seeing where it will lead?
marlena Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 What is wrong with enjoying each date with him and seeing where it will lead? Nothing wrong if all you are doing is casually dating someone BUT she is in love with him (or so she thinks), that's the problem.
JamesM Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Nothing wrong if all you are doing is casually dating someone BUT she is in love with him (or so she thinks), that's the problem. But any kind of dating can be enjoyed without worrying what he will say. The problem here is that she sees it one way, and he sees it another. If he verbalized his CURRENT feelings, then I am afraid the relationship would be over. Hence, the Thank you.
marlena Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 The problem here is that she sees it one way, and he sees it another. If he verbalized his CURRENT feelings, then I am afraid the relationship would be over. My point exactly. If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd get out before more bits of my heart went out to him. In my experience, most of the time, these things go with a mutual flow. If they don't, the signs are not good at all.
JamesM Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 My point exactly. If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd get out before more bits of my heart went out to him. In my experience, most of the time, these things go with a mutual flow. If they don't, the signs are not good at all. I a...ag...agr...agre...agree with you!
Shygirl15 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Hence, the Thank you. I think he loves her, maybe just having a hard time expressing himself. I don't think he would have fired up the vaccum cleaner or empty the dishes, if he didn't at least like her. I agree on backing off or slowing down with too much expression. You have only know him for less that 4 months anyway. I don't know, but "you mean the world to me" sounds too serious for a 4 months relationship..
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