Bells Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 This had happened to me, I was out with friends and such, and apparently, with this being such a small world....met a woman I had emailed in the past (and of course the typical no response...no biggie) in this group outing. She actually had appeared in my "MyMatches" email from a dating site. LOL. SO hey we're a match! Anyway, she's actually on FB (through the "People you MAY know" link) and I asked if she minded being added, since I already met her a couple of times through partys and gatherings. We chatted back and forth a bit, when I established familiarity...I had mentioned. "You know...you look familiar, I think you showed up under "my matches" in my routine emails....you on such and such dating site?" And she goes, "Yeah, I did that for a time, not anymore though." And I say, "Oh, you still single?" And shes says, "I prefer to keep my personal life to myself, thank you." I was thinking "Sheesh, touchyyyy" Anyhow, from that moment on....she was short with me in conversation, and she mentioned on her "Wall" that she had great plans on Fri night, and I replied in a comment, "Cool..whatcha got going on!" Still thinking she was "Cool" with me. She goes, "Stuff" And next day, I noticed she took me off her friends list. lol I was like "Sheesh' what's her problem?" I usually don't say anything about women having had seen them on dating sites, if they don't know them at all...like if I saw them out in public and what not....but apparently, with this woman I crossed SOME kind of boundary. It really irked her....but hey, some DONT mind...go figure. (PS - I think I might have mentioned this before...but it's more of a reflection, and perhaps some new stuff thrown in)
Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I'm trying to say this in the most polite way possible, but you're proving to me and everyone else that you're very pushy and nosy with people you barely know.
moonmoon Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 yep, that was borderline creeper if you want the cold hard truth. Acting that way will cost you opportunities not just with the broad in question but anyone else she knows that you also know.
Author Bells Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 yep, that was borderline creeper if you want the cold hard truth. Acting that way will cost you opportunities not just with the broad in question but anyone else she knows that you also know. Well, personally, I think she should lighten up. I just asked a simple question. <shrug> No big deal. This is more about the "Facebook Curse" not about me and the speculation of my actions.
Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I mean, aren't you recognizing that you're dealing with one woman after another, and quite quickly I might add? They're all reacting the same... The only common denominator is you, my friend. Creepy, pushy, nosy, stalker-ish... However you want to categorize it, you need to change your behavior - QUICK.
Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Well, personally, I think she should lighten up. I just asked a simple question. <shrug> No big deal. This is more about the "Facebook Curse" not about me and the speculation of my actions. This has NOTHING to do with the "Facebook Curse" (which applies AFTER you've already started DATING someone). You're being creepy towards all these women.
Author Bells Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 I mean, aren't you recognizing that you're dealing with one woman after another, and quite quickly I might add? They're all reacting the same... The only common denominator is you, my friend. Creepy, pushy, nosy, stalker-ish... However you want to categorize it, you need to change your behavior - QUICK. Okay, I guess I'll knock it off then....I mean I DON'T do it with women out of the blue...but since she was in the comfort among each other and other friends, it wouldn't be a big deal. Figured it would be the exception to the rule.
Author Bells Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 less is more my friend... Guess I better err on the side of a caution then.
prettybaby Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Bells, those things aren't working for you. Stay away from facebook, myspace, match, whatever-other-site-youre-on. You keep track of people and their profiles and you remember faces from dating sites, and you often end up approaching them in a too straight forward manner. The easiest would be for you to stay away from those sites completely, and then socialize with women in real life. Just starting from scratch by not knowing anything about them. Approach them slowly, more casually. They will like the fact that you're not on any of those sites; you won't be labelled as a potential e-stalker or creep.
Author Bells Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Bells, those things aren't working for you. Stay away from facebook, myspace, match, whatever-other-site-youre-on. You keep track of people and their profiles and you remember faces from dating sites, and you often end up approaching them in a too straight forward manner. The easiest would be for you to stay away from those sites completely, and then socialize with women in real life. Just starting from scratch by not knowing anything about them. Approach them slowly, more casually. They will like the fact that you're not on any of those sites; you won't be labelled as a potential e-stalker or creep. Well, not sure about staying away from such sites completely, but I'll will keep the fact that I saw them....keep it too myself that is. Whats also funny is, I did the same thing with another woman..and she asked me out. LOL!
PrincessPeach Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Yeah... definitely seeming like a creeper in that situation. Don't go to those sites. If you do anyway... don't talk about them. The last thing a girl wants to hear is that some guy she hardly knows recognizes her from facebook. Don't make the excuse that it publically posted online... she doesn't expect someone other than her friends to be perusing her online space. Become her friend in real life first before ever trying to learn about or get to know her through online websites. When she said "I like to keep my personal life to myself, thank you." You should have picked up that she wanted nothing to do with you. Anything more that you say past this point can only do more harm; it can never do good. When that line came out, you'd lost. Sticking around makes it worse as she's thinking to herself why doesn't this guy get the hint and leave? which just further elevates the creepiness because you aren't leaving and she is giving you no motivation to stick around (she's actually motivating you to leave, but you won't). When she said that, you should have just walked away. It's the only and best thing you can do.
Author Bells Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Yeah... definitely seeming like a creeper in that situation. Don't go to those sites. If you do anyway... don't talk about them. The last thing a girl wants to hear is that some guy she hardly knows recognizes her from facebook. Don't make the excuse that it publically posted online... she doesn't expect someone other than her friends to be perusing her online space. Become her friend in real life first before ever trying to learn about or get to know her through online websites. When she said "I like to keep my personal life to myself, thank you." You should have picked up that she wanted nothing to do with you. Anything more that you say past this point can only do more harm; it can never do good. When that line came out, you'd lost. Sticking around makes it worse as she's thinking to herself why doesn't this guy get the hint and leave? which just further elevates the creepiness because you aren't leaving and she is giving you no motivation to stick around (she's actually motivating you to leave, but you won't). When she said that, you should have just walked away. It's the only and best thing you can do. True...thing is, I'm probably going to see her when I'm out with my friends anyhow. She does say Hello though, I guess to be nice....I'll keep it to a minimum, don't look her in the eye too often, lol to make it seem like I'm not going to bug her (in person), I'm sure she'll think that if some of her friends are cool with me, then she might be cool with me at least get away from the creepiness factor. I guess I don't think I come off that way at times....I can be oblivous at times.
PrincessPeach Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It's not uncommon for people to be oblivious to or unaware of their actions and/or the effect they have on those around them. I think we are all guilty of that from time to time.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Yes, like Star said, the "Facebook Curse" happens when you have been out with the person already, they friend you, and then you don't see them again. Along those lines. Bells, I think you need to take a course on body language. You don't seem to understand signs. There are signs that people are open for communication, and there are signs that they are not. If you could learn to read the signs better, you would probably avoid some of the awkwardness you have already experienced. If someone says that there personal life is private, then I would not go out of my way to contact that person again. I would not be "friending" them, and I would definitely not be writing on their wall. You seem to think that people owe you. If you ask them a personal question, then they owe you an answer or else they are a real jerk. No one owes you anything. If I don't want to talk about my personal life, then I won't. That's why it is called a personal life. It is personal. The kind of questions you sometimes ask women may be too personal for casual acquaintances. Just because they know someone you know doesn't mean you know them. Are you a starer? When I imagine you, Bells, I imagine that you are the guy in the bar who finds an attractive woman and starts staring. Do you have any personal habits like this that could be turning women off to you? Do you stand too close and invade their personal space? I'm just speculating here, but I just get the feeling that you give off some creepy vibes and that woman are a little freaked out by it. Just to let you know, I used to know a guy who had some of these bad habits. People did not really like him, men or women. Well he kind of disappeared for a while and later on he started coming around again. He had really changed some of these bad habits. Now he is married.
kashmir Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I'm always weary about interactions with facebook. I don't friend anyone anymore. There have been one or two times where I've seen an attractive girl around but never got the opportunity to talk to her. She would constantly look over at me, but there was no way I could approach...she would either be at a meal with a big group of girls or there would be a few guys in the group. Anyway, sometime while checking my facebook (which I seldom do), I'd run across one of those girls and say, "You know what, what the heck, I'll friend her." The girl would accept, but it would kill attraction. They'd respond to me, but I could tell that their attraction was dead. They would never look at me in real life again. I didn't do anything creepy, but for all one of those girls knew, I was prowling facebook for hours trying to find them. Plus it's kind of the pussy way out. I'd reckon if a girl liked a guy, she'd want him to have the balls to talk to her in real life. Luckily I only did that about twice and a while ago. Anyway, Bells, I would have probably refrained myself from pursuing that woman from the start. I don't know...it just doesn't bode well at all to say, "hey, didn't I see you on match.com?" I think it'd be better to forget that fact and just approach her like you've never seen her before, because it's very likely she has no idea who you are. If I ended up pursuing her though and friending her on facebook, I would have unfriended her as soon as she gave my that snippy answer. It was a bit rude and snippy, but at least it's an obvious indication that she has no interest in you whatsoever. By commenting on her page a second time you gave her the impression that you're some desperate stalker...whichhhh is never a good thing.
Author Bells Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Yes, like Star said, the "Facebook Curse" happens when you have been out with the person already, they friend you, and then you don't see them again. Along those lines. Bells, I think you need to take a course on body language. You don't seem to understand signs. There are signs that people are open for communication, and there are signs that they are not. If you could learn to read the signs better, you would probably avoid some of the awkwardness you have already experienced. If someone says that there personal life is private, then I would not go out of my way to contact that person again. I would not be "friending" them, and I would definitely not be writing on their wall. You seem to think that people owe you. If you ask them a personal question, then they owe you an answer or else they are a real jerk. No one owes you anything. If I don't want to talk about my personal life, then I won't. That's why it is called a personal life. It is personal. The kind of questions you sometimes ask women may be too personal for casual acquaintances. Just because they know someone you know doesn't mean you know them. Are you a starer? When I imagine you, Bells, I imagine that you are the guy in the bar who finds an attractive woman and starts staring. Do you have any personal habits like this that could be turning women off to you? Do you stand too close and invade their personal space? I'm just speculating here, but I just get the feeling that you give off some creepy vibes and that woman are a little freaked out by it. Just to let you know, I used to know a guy who had some of these bad habits. People did not really like him, men or women. Well he kind of disappeared for a while and later on he started coming around again. He had really changed some of these bad habits. Now he is married. Good point, however, I do have people that DO like me, these incidences are typically isolated in my case. Where the majority do like me...most even told me I'm great, and I do make them comfortable. There had been a handful of those who tend to react negatively, and I write it off as if they had a personal problem. Like I said, I did the same thing to another woman, and she even asked me out. So you'll get different reactions from different people. In person, I'm far from a "starer", in fact, I had watched gentleman do just that to a female friend of mine before I got to know her, and she really went on and on about how I make her feel comfortable. I have a great group of friends, but I think I ran into a couple that had been indeed over sensitive
Author Bells Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 By commenting on her page a second time you gave her the impression that you're some desperate stalker...whichhhh is never a good thing. Hindsight 20/20 I'm really not that bad, guys....
D-Jam Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 when I established familiarity...I had mentioned. "You know...you look familiar, I think you showed up under "my matches" in my routine emails....you on such and such dating site?" And she goes, "Yeah, I did that for a time, not anymore though." And I say, "Oh, you still single?" And shes says, "I prefer to keep my personal life to myself, thank you." 1) She was not attracted to you...and saw your comments and questions as trying to see if she'll date you. She might also think you tried to be friends with her with ulterior motives. 2) I've said it to death over the years...no matter how many millions sign up on dating sites, they all still carry the stigma in them that somehow only "losers" or "weirdos" join dating sites. Not saying it's true, but many people still see it that way. Why else do couples who meet online make up some phony story on how they met for their families and friends? If you see someone on a dating site, and then happen to meet them socially by some other means than the site, you simply have to treat it like you never saw him/her on said site. I don't care how much you're starved for conversation. Act like you never saw them...because while a few people are not embarrassed by it...too many others are. I know some who so believe in the "dating sites are for losers" BS that they will be alone for life before trying a site. Others who will see someone on a site and then publicly humiliate them in front of their peers for it. Yes it's mean...but you can see why she's more defensive about it all. If you saw a woman drunkenly puking on the street and then making out with a dirty homeless bum...you do NOT ever bring it up to her with a chuckle or as some light-hearted innocent thing, thinking it'll stir up a few laughs. She will be embarrassed and hate you for bringing it up. Same goes for dating sites. Deal with it...the world is uptight, image-conscious, and would rather choose pride over easier means to find love.
Author Bells Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 1) She was not attracted to you...and saw your comments and questions as trying to see if she'll date you. She might also think you tried to be friends with her with ulterior motives. 2) I've said it to death over the years...no matter how many millions sign up on dating sites, they all still carry the stigma in them that somehow only "losers" or "weirdos" join dating sites. Not saying it's true, but many people still see it that way. Why else do couples who meet online make up some phony story on how they met for their families and friends? If you see someone on a dating site, and then happen to meet them socially by some other means than the site, you simply have to treat it like you never saw him/her on said site. I don't care how much you're starved for conversation. Act like you never saw them...because while a few people are not embarrassed by it...too many others are. I know some who so believe in the "dating sites are for losers" BS that they will be alone for life before trying a site. Others who will see someone on a site and then publicly humiliate them in front of their peers for it. Yes it's mean...but you can see why she's more defensive about it all. If you saw a woman drunkenly puking on the street and then making out with a dirty homeless bum...you do NOT ever bring it up to her with a chuckle or as some light-hearted innocent thing, thinking it'll stir up a few laughs. She will be embarrassed and hate you for bringing it up. Same goes for dating sites. Deal with it...the world is uptight, image-conscious, and would rather choose pride over easier means to find love. Yeah, I think I made a remark about a woman who did body shots at a festival one time, then I brought it up jokingly at a BBQ one time. I was like, "Yeah, remember that one time some of the guys were doing body shots off ya, LOL....that was purty wild!!" She kind of laugh, and said, "You got a BIG mouth, dontcha!" She was kind of cool about....guess I knew her long enough to get away with it...but not sure if she liked that remark. Funny, how some people can be the life of the party, take their pants off , run around and act obnoxious and people will be rolling on the floor. But when I do it it's *Crickets* lOL
Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I'm really not that bad, guys.... Yes, hun. You are.
Author Bells Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Yes, hun. You are. That's because you don't know me. Get to know me, and you'll like me...believe you me.
kashmir Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Bells, I don't think you're actually a stalker or creeper deep down, but the problem is women might see you that way. It benefits you to look at situations like these from the woman's perspective. She has no idea who you are. She has no idea if you step out of your door every day smiling and glad to be alive. She has no idea if you took in and healed an abused dog that loves you dearly now. She has no idea if you enjoy seeing opera and are learning Italian as a second language. She has no idea if you went to Bangladesh for a year to help the impoverished people. All she knows is how you look, how you talk, and what you first say to her, and if she doesn't like any one of those things then she's going to think badly of you. That's the sad truth, but part of being successful in dating is accepting that not everyone is going to like you and some will totally despise you. It seems like you dwell on the fact that some women rejected you and don't like you, and the more you dwell on it, the more you'll give them the first impression of being unattractive or creepy. Why do you think so many low life guys whose passions and interests don't diverge far from alcohol and football manage to get women? Because they're able to deliver an attractive first impression to most women. Deep down they've got nothing, but on the outside they've got something. If you're a woman, you might as well go for the guy who looks like he has something than the guy who looks like he has nothing. Women very rarely will say, "You know, there's something about that guy over there. Even though he seems a bit weird, I think I might take my chances with him because maybe he has something really cool about him."
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