Dane19 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Well this morning after I had a dream that we got back together, I get a call from a familiar number. After 5 weeks of absolute no contact she calls me. Of course I don't even think about answering and I jumped into the shower. After I got out of the shower I saw that she sent me a text. She said that her best friend in high school brother died last night and that her grandfather was diagnosed with cancer last week. She said she just wanted to let me know so that I could be praying for them. Now my question is how and when should I respond. I still care about her a lot and I don't want her to have to go through stuff like this, but shes not a part of my life anymore. I don't want to be the shoulder for her to cry on when things go wrong. I guess I will just send a simple text saying I'm sorry that this all happend and that I will pray for there families. Then its back to moving on with my life...
darnay Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I would leave it be. I wouldn't reply at all. I have no knowledge of your breakup, but if this is a person who has dumped you I wouldn't be in a hurry to respond to ANY text that she sent me. It's a terrible thing and horrid news, but is it worth responding to? You respond and it will create a chain of texts backward and forward, leading to questions about how you've been etc. It will hurt you like hell and in the end no good will come of it. Leave it alone
MichiganMan222 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 If that were me, I would do exactly what you plan to do. Even better there's a large gap of time in there so she doesn't get lead on that you jumped right on her text. Others here may disagree, but your plan seems benign enough to not lead her on and at the same time allow her to not think you're insensitive by simply ignoring it. That's just me, tho. You may want to wait for others to chime in.
EmperorR Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 That's sad, but like someone else said, you respond she will respond and ask how are you what are you up to etc., I'm sorry but she dumped you, 5 weeks she couldn't say nothing at all but suddenly she is going through something emotional in her life and she needs you.
Cub Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I just love how death and illness have become surefire ways to illicit sympathy. Thing is, it's not your problem, and you should not feel guilty for not responding; everyone has their own burdens, and hers are not more important than yours. Ignore it. If she gets angry, tough.
Sysyphus28 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Well this morning after I had a dream that we got back together, I get a call from a familiar number. After 5 weeks of absolute no contact she calls me. Of course I don't even think about answering and I jumped into the shower. After I got out of the shower I saw that she sent me a text. She said that her best friend in high school brother died last night and that her grandfather was diagnosed with cancer last week. She said she just wanted to let me know so that I could be praying for them. Now my question is how and when should I respond. I still care about her a lot and I don't want her to have to go through stuff like this, but shes not a part of my life anymore. I don't want to be the shoulder for her to cry on when things go wrong. I guess I will just send a simple text saying I'm sorry that this all happend and that I will pray for there families. Then its back to moving on with my life... Get over any Ego issiues you might have. Call her and tell you are sorry about her grandfather. She needs support and she turned to you. What can it hurt to say hello after a month or so. Don't bring up your breakup!!! Keep it short!! Say hello, I'm sorry to hear about granpda, I hope your doing ok, I am doing good....ok goodbye Let go of your anger and be honest with yourself
Author Dane19 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Get over any Ego issiues you might have. Call her and tell you are sorry about her grandfather. She needs support and she turned to you. What can it hurt to say hello after a month or so. Don't bring up your breakup!!! Keep it short!! Say hello, I'm sorry to hear about granpda, I hope your doing ok, I am doing good....ok goodbye Let go of your anger and be honest with yourself Yeah I understand what your saying. I am trying to be honest with myself and honestly, I don't know if I'm really ready to talk to her yet. I meen she tells me to move on and to find another girl, yet after 5 weeks of NC when something bad happens she wants to let me know about it? What good does it do for her to contact me? Not a damn thing. I was actually a little angry that she would call me to tell me this. I know that something like this shouldn't set me back in my healing but it is. IDK, more comments and feedback are welcome
Sysyphus28 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Yeah I understand what your saying. I am trying to be honest with myself and honestly, I don't know if I'm really ready to talk to her yet. I meen she tells me to move on and to find another girl, yet after 5 weeks of NC when something bad happens she wants to let me know about it? What good does it do for her to contact me? Not a damn thing. I was actually a little angry that she would call me to tell me this. I know that something like this shouldn't set me back in my healing but it is. IDK, more comments and feedback are welcome If you are not ready, don't. I feel the "not ready" thing. Been there 100%. It is so hard. I am "not ready" to see dancing and making out with someone new..........I think that would be discomforting. But you should do what you feel is write. Maybe an email. She obviously has turned to you for support about something. If you can't be a friend. Be human. Don't be as cold as she was when she dumped you. Two wrongs rarely make a right.
Author Dane19 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 If you are not ready, don't. I feel the "not ready" thing. Been there 100%. It is so hard. I am "not ready" to see dancing and making out with someone new..........I think that would be discomforting. But you should do what you feel is write. Maybe an email. She obviously has turned to you for support about something. If you can't be a friend. Be human. Don't be as cold as she was when she dumped you. Two wrongs rarely make a right. yeah, I don't want to be cold towards her. I still love her as a person even though she didn't treat me very well towards the end. I don't want to see her hurting and I don't want her to think that I'm bitter towards her and that I hate her. I guess I'm just afraid that when I get done sending that text or hanging up the phone that I'm going to take a huge step backwards in my healing. I'm tired of hurting over her.
trueblue72ny Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 i guess it depends what you want out of it. do you want to be friends with her? or no. if not, i guess i would just let it go, if you think you might want to keep a friendship maybe you could just respond like you suggested. if you do tho i definately would not bring anythging up about the past. and i wouldnt make initial contact with her after that either. not for awhile. however if you think communicating with her period is going to send you backwards than maybe you shouldnt. its very hard to make progress personally when you loose someone, only to be brought backwards. i have an ex playing games with me right now. she contacts me, when i give her the satisfaction of a response, then i dont hear from her. i finally told her maybe we shouldnt talk anymore, and she got mad, now we arent talking again. in my situation its turning out to be a control issue - who is in control. she dumped me , now wants to be friends -but on her terms. its disrespectful as far as im concerned. now i am back to square one. and will spend 2x the energy rectifying the matter for myself personally. dont let that one happen to you! good luck whatever you decide to do!
Author Dane19 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Well I just sent a text back saying, "I'm sorry to hear that. I will pray for them." and guess what? the sky didn't fall, I didn't break down and start to feel horrible all over again. I actually feel pretty good that I did it. I could care less if she replies.
trueblue72ny Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 maybe you are farther along than you think!
Author Dane19 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Well she just sent another text. "I just wanted to make sure you knew and also I know you don't care but my bother almost killed himself about 2 weeks ago on a four wheeler... So it has been a real tough few weeks... Anyways just letting you know. sorry to bother you hope your doing good." ok. I'm not falling for this one. Shes just throwing out breadcrumbs now. It may have been a rough few weeks but if she doesn't think I will care and that she is bothering me then there is no need to contact me. I have to go back to NC.
TeaAbraham Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Did you have her shoulder to cry on when you were feeling like **** after she broke up with you? I don't think so. I am not sure what she wants from you here. Yeah, some really terrible things are happening in her life and I personally feel for her as my dad is going through cancer treatment right now, but she decided 5 weeks ago that you aren't the one who she is going to have by her side to deal with these issues. Obviously she didn't foresee all of these bad events happening, but this is the road she chose. Yeah, you should send your sympathy, I think that text you sent was great. But now she's just asking too much. "I know you don't care but..." wtf? I know she's feeling pain, but for you it's like throwing salt in your wound. I suppose she can't really be blamed for any of these messages as she doesn't know what to do with her grief. But I really think you already did all you can do. You already showed your humanity and sympathy regardless of the pain she's made you feel.
EmperorR Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Well she just sent another text. "I just wanted to make sure you knew and also I know you don't care but my bother almost killed himself about 2 weeks ago on a four wheeler... So it has been a real tough few weeks... Anyways just letting you know. sorry to bother you hope your doing good." ok. I'm not falling for this one. Shes just throwing out breadcrumbs now. It may have been a rough few weeks but if she doesn't think I will care and that she is bothering me then there is no need to contact me. I have to go back to NC. ah see, that always happens when you send one text, then you reply, then they do. Wow it's been a tough few weeks, I'm sure when you were dumped kicked to the curb crying couldn't eat, felt so lonely I'm sure she was there for you right? Exactly she wasn't, so in five weeks she couldn't even text you once just a hey how your doing hoping everything is allright. But as soon as her life crumbles, ah let me message the one guy who was always there for me in thick and thin but i dumped him and broke his heart.
darnay Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Couldnt agree more Emperor. and I don't care how far down the NC road you are, or how fresh the breakup is, when your ex contacts you for ANY reason just ignore it and you keep walking. It's not playing games, and it's not tit-for-tat behaviour. Even the "i know you don't care" comment shows disrespect for you and her selfishness. Let it be and no more contact, period!
pandagirl Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I'm going to disagree with the majority on this thread. I think when people go through crappy times, it's natural to latch onto whoever they feel close and safe with. I don't think his ex is being evil or trying to manipulate them. Also, death naturally brings to mind the people that you've lost in your life and makes you want to reconnect with them. Now, I don't think OP should *engage* her in conversation necessarily. But, I do think it's right that he replied to her, giving sympathy. I would have done the same thing.
Crazy.S Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Just send your condolences and nothing more. Keep it brief and don't show any sign of anything else besides that. Don't even say "ttyl", just say bye after you are done. Like you said she is not a part of your life anymore. That is the most you can do in your situation. Trust you instincts
trueblue72ny Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 ya,, just be careful, is she going to be there if you need someone to lean on?
Hersheys Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Well she just sent another text. "I just wanted to make sure you knew and also I know you don't care but my bother almost killed himself about 2 weeks ago on a four wheeler... So it has been a real tough few weeks... Anyways just letting you know. sorry to bother you hope your doing good." ok. I'm not falling for this one. Shes just throwing out breadcrumbs now. It may have been a rough few weeks but if she doesn't think I will care and that she is bothering me then there is no need to contact me. I have to go back to NC. You're doing the right thing. Go back to NC. The first text you sent her was just the right and kind thing for you to do but you do not have to respond to the second text she sent you about her brother.
Author Dane19 Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Even the "i know you don't care" comment shows disrespect for you and her selfishness. Let it be and no more contact, period! Yep, I felt really disrespected when I read that. She was VERY selfish when we broke up and comments like that just make me remember who she really was and what kind of s*** I had to put up with.
Author Dane19 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 She just tried to call a little while ago. I didn't pick up and she didn't leave a message or anything. I'm sure that its bothering her that I'm not calling or texting back. Because I don't want to.
Geishawhelk Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Oh please for goodness' sake, keep it up, and win through! Just one more response of any kind from you - even - "please don't keep contacting me" - is contact!! Doing well, Bro'!
gd26 Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 You're doing the right thing. Go back to NC. The first text you sent her was just the right and kind thing for you to do but you do not have to respond to the second text she sent you about her brother. I agree... sending the first text to her was nice. Now back to moving on with your life and not continuing to contact her.
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