Untouchable_Fire Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Expected, but uncalled for. The responsibility is mutual. And unless there has been an open discussion, nobody has the right to assume anything. End of story. Yes, you should have expected that response! You sound like your more interested in a conquest than you are in just having "fun". It suggests control and dominance issues. Just my opinion, for whatever that is worth.
amaysngrace Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I've replied earlier, but I still agree with waiting and not rushing. I have rushed in the past, and though I don't regret it, I prefer to wait, as the sex would be that much better. My BF and I got together pretty quickly, we'd mostly only been phone friends almost every night for hours at a time before I totally jumped him one night. Some would say that's too soon. It'd be better if we waited. Truthfully I couldn't imagine it being any better. Still. Going on three years later. But honestly I thought I maybe was too pushy. I didn't know how he'd take it. If he'd think I was easy. Turns out he did think it was sudden. He thought it ruined our chance at a relationship. That he maybe should have made me wait. Isn't that ironic? Still he brings it up sometimes. How cool he thought it was. Yeah I guess it would be cool having a girl being so into you that she couldn't keep her hands off of you. We are like that still today. The passion is as great as ever. But I think I am a rare breed. I sometimes think I view sex like a man. From that side of my brain. When we first hooked up and were thinking of being in a relationship I wanted sex early to see what it was like. I really didn't see the sense of being with this guy anymore than I had to if we didn't connect on a sexual level. Sex is that important to me. Turns out it's that important to him too.
refurb Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 If a guy is just "kinda" interest, sex will make him stick around a lot longer than if he wasn't getting any. RF
Author movingonandon Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Yes, you should have expected that response! You sound like your more interested in a conquest than you are in just having "fun". It suggests control and dominance issues. Just my opinion, for whatever that is worth. This is a subject for a whole another thread. But control and dominance to a large extent wired into most guys. The question is whether you express them in socialy constructive ways. So, you can't (and even if you could - you shouldn't) control and dominate another human being, but, you can be in control and dominate many social situations. In our civilized times that most often means knowing your boundaries and following through with them. Or simply asserting your value in-no-uncertain-terms (but also in a non-obnoxious way...) Most relationships begin with a "conquest", so of course i'm interested in that . Sometimes it turns out that the "conquest" wasn't worth it, some times it turns out that you're in for the long haul , where you get to enjoy all the sharing, the friendship, the intimacy etc. But you can't get to the latter before the former. If a woman can barely keep her hands off me by date 3-5, conquest has been succesful. If not, I've failed and it's time to move on to another 'conquest'. So sue me!
Author movingonandon Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 If a guy is just "kinda" interest, sex will make him stick around a lot longer than if he wasn't getting any. RF And if he's interested but isn't getting any, he won't stick around anyway. And that sumarizes the futility of strategizing the timing of sex, which was at the core of the original thread. go with the flow, people, don't make your priests smile in their sleep
Isolde Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Then it just depends on what you're looking for. If you don't want to be serious, movingonandon, then go have fun and enjoy it. I don't see the reason for debate.
Author movingonandon Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Then it just depends on what you're looking for. If you don't want to be serious, movingonandon, then go have fun and enjoy it. I don't see the reason for debate. Nah, the reason for the debate was precisely me wondering why some people weel that you can't BOTH have fun and get serious E.g. have fun in the process of getting serious
Isolde Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Nah, the reason for the debate was precisely me wondering why some people weel that you can't BOTH have fun and get serious E.g. have fun in the process of getting serious You can, it's just tricky is all. Everything fun is also serious, no?
Gremio Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Nah, the reason for the debate was precisely me wondering why some people weel that you can't BOTH have fun and get serious E.g. have fun in the process of getting serious I've done it, so it definately can happen. I'm just trying a different change of pace in my life and taking my time right now.
nicki Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I wait, but it's not because I'm "holding out." I wait until I want to really, really have sex with a guy and I can be wildly uninhibited. It's simple. I won't do it before then. I won't do it to "hook" him, and I won't do it to try to "keep" a guy interested, either. There DOES seem to be a natural progression and a a perfect moment of timing. Miss that, and it can kill the chemistry, but have sex too early and it can also kill things. I always let guys know early on that I find them attractive and want to sleep with them, when the time is right.
Gremio Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 To add to my last reply, the truth is the other side of why I take my time is I care how the other person feels, and I'll explain. As I said before, I don't date. I only see someone who I truly am interested in. Then when it comes to the point of being alone with someone, at first everyone can be shy and nervous, but my biggest fear is overstepping boundaries. I am excellent at reading people and my friends know this, but when it comes to the start of a sexual encounter, I tend to not be the one to make the first move, as the voice in back of my head tells me not. I disgress, a part of it used to be lack of courage too, but I'm too old for that now.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Well, I'd say it largely depends on what each person is looking for. Me, I don't want casual sex - I want a relationship eventually. I didn't say marriage, I said a relationship. I'd like to have my mind clear enough to decide if I want this man in my life or not. I do get attached through sex. That's the evolutionary nature of the beast - women release a bonding chemical after sex - go research it if you don't believe me. It's called oxytocin. The reason I felt unhappy after my casual encounters was that I was starting to LIKE these guys, but I KNEW they were NOBODY I would want to be involved with in a RELATIONSHIP. I cut things off with them because I wasn't interested in liking them. Waiting gives me the opportunity to evaluate what it is that I want. And I value what I feel/want emotionally more than what's going on between my legs. I think it's a mark of maturity to be able to control one's urges. I don't care how hedonistic our society gets - I like to wait. Um, no - I don't count dates - that's ridiculous. I don't believe that tying sex to a certain number makes much sense, either. My standards are being sure this is somebody I actually want in my life and making sure that the connection is there. It makes it easier for me to be uninhibited and open sexually if I completely trust the man in my bed. Sex is great...but I happen to believe there's more to life than sex. I'd like to know when "easy" became the preferable standard for both men and women (as seems evidenced by a few on this thread). I just don't tick like that and I never will - despite what you say.
Author movingonandon Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Well, I'd say it largely depends on what each person is looking for. Me, I don't want casual sex - I want a relationship eventually. I didn't say marriage, I said a relationship. I'd like to have my mind clear enough to decide if I want this man in my life or not. I do get attached through sex. That's the evolutionary nature of the beast - women release a bonding chemical after sex - go research it if you don't believe me. It's called oxytocin. The reason I felt unhappy after my casual encounters was that I was starting to LIKE these guys, but I KNEW they were NOBODY I would want to be involved with in a RELATIONSHIP. I cut things off with them because I wasn't interested in liking them. Waiting gives me the opportunity to evaluate what it is that I want. And I value what I feel/want emotionally more than what's going on between my legs. I think it's a mark of maturity to be able to control one's urges. I don't care how hedonistic our society gets - I like to wait. Um, no - I don't count dates - that's ridiculous. I don't believe that tying sex to a certain number makes much sense, either. My standards are being sure this is somebody I actually want in my life and making sure that the connection is there. It makes it easier for me to be uninhibited and open sexually if I completely trust the man in my bed. Sex is great...but I happen to believe there's more to life than sex. I'd like to know when "easy" became the preferable standard for both men and women (as seems evidenced by a few on this thread). I just don't tick like that and I never will - despite what you say. That's actually one of the more thoughtful responses I got here, and it speaks to the complexities of dating. The part I disagree with is interpreting the "time to sex" as wanting to get things "easy". For me, certain number of dates is not an "absolute rule", but is an important rule of thumb that I'd reevaluate (or not), depending on how I feel things are going with the particular woman. This does NOT mean that sex is an end in itself for me. But, I belive that I've outlined plenty of legitimate reasons to interpret taking too long (unless there are *specific reasons*, which means dicsussed) to have sex as evidence as lack of sufficient atraction from the woman in question, and if so, why would I keep going out with her until she "makes up her mind"? She can take all the time she wants thinking, as far as i'm concerned, she's taking the time simply because she's not sufficiently attracted . We've heard millions of times that women are a lot more impulsive and emotional in relationships etc. If this is indeed true, then she won't be engaging in any complicated calculus "if she wants me in her life" She'll be all over me instead . So we're not talking about sex obsession here, but about pretty rational decision rule to discern "true fans" from girls that have nothing better to do at the moment:love:. Obviously, it's not the only way to discern it, but a pretty darn important one :laugh:. Anyway, I think that this thread has run its course, so it' time to put it to rest. Thanks everybody who thought it was worth their time to read write, or both.
CandyGirlXO Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 For me I enjoy sex very much, and I am missing it very much right now, but here is how I view sex, and my brothers play a huge role in that. If I am interested in a LTR with a guy, I wait. Not because I don't want to jump their bones, I DO!! But I wait a little bit so that they respect me, and don't think that I am easy, or that I do this with every guy. I want them to think I respect myself, and that I am a good girl. But once we have sex it is always awesome. But if I just want a hook up I will. I have before, and it was just as awesome, but those are with guys that I am not interested in long term. Just my two cents, my older brothers always told me you want a guy to respect you, hold off on the sex.
Gremio Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 For me I enjoy sex very much, and I am missing it very much right now, but here is how I view sex, and my brothers play a huge role in that. If I am interested in a LTR with a guy, I wait. Not because I don't want to jump their bones, I DO!! But I wait a little bit so that they respect me, and don't think that I am easy, or that I do this with every guy. I want them to think I respect myself, and that I am a good girl. But once we have sex it is always awesome. But if I just want a hook up I will. I have before, and it was just as awesome, but those are with guys that I am not interested in long term. Just my two cents, my older brothers always told me you want a guy to respect you, hold off on the sex. Definately agree there. I am exactly the same way. Off topic, but what is it that people see in one night stands? I have friends that are very permiscuous and actually like to joke with me because I choose not to be like them. I just don't get it... awkward moments, concern about diseases, pregnancies, then the other person may be hurt emotionally, all for what? An hour of pleasure?
xjadex Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I think it's each to their own thing. Have to be honest and say though, that when I've had sex immediatley with a guy, those relationships didn't last two seconds. My longest relationships turned out to be with guys, who I didn't jump immediatley and they hadn't wanted to jump me immediatley either....they'd waited. I aint into casual these days. I wouldn't bed any guy, who threw a glance in my direction....Im pickier. Saying that, I met a guy online and we chatted by phone for several months and I slept with him when we met. AARRGGH! Was that too soon do you think and when I'd known him for months. Will he be thinking Im a slapper?? LOL
Gremio Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I think it's each to their own thing. Have to be honest and say though, that when I've had sex immediatley with a guy, those relationships didn't last two seconds. My longest relationships turned out to be with guys, who I didn't jump immediatley and they hadn't wanted to jump me immediatley either....they'd waited. I aint into casual these days. I wouldn't bed any guy, who threw a glance in my direction....Im pickier. Saying that, I met a guy online and we chatted by phone for several months and I slept with him when we met. AARRGGH! Was that too soon do you think and when I'd known him for months. Will he be thinking Im a slapper?? LOL I know it can feel like you've known someone forever if you've talked online or on the phone everyday and then finally meet. I can say though that it's possible he may have the idea now that every IRL interaction between the two of you will lead to sex, since your first encounter did.
amaysngrace Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Saying that, I met a guy online and we chatted by phone for several months and I slept with him when we met. AARRGGH! Was that too soon do you think and when I'd known him for months. Will he be thinking Im a slapper?? LOL This is how I got to know my BF. We didn't meet online but in person and it took us until our third running into each other before he actually got my number which was like a month and a half after we first met but he called me the very night he got my number. We talked and we talked for hours at a time. I knew his deal and he knew mine. We were both home every night not whoring it up around town. I was afraid that I was with him too soon as well. Pretty much the first time we got together we were together. But we've been together ever since. And it's not just a sex thing. He comes by to say hi before and after work. He stopped by today with a coffee for me. There's no time for sex especially when my kids aren't off to school yet. So yes, it can become a real relationship. The best part of it is that you started off talking a lot. Which means you guys have that ability to speak to one another. Sex is just a nice added bonus.
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