beyondsad Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It has been 12 weeks since the EA ?PA was discovered and as a married couple we are trying hard to work it out. BUT, seeing the OW out and about at a local event is almost unbearable. When is that going to go away? I still think she needs a ass beating but I wouldn't want to make myself look like a fool. On the way home at least H said again how sorry he was that he has put me in this situation blah blah blah. The million dollar question is still what were you thinking - someone in our little town that I would run into- everybody knows everybody in our town - How could he be that stupid? I guess I am getting better but it is still so hard to stomach.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Beyond Sad, That is the one promise I made to my H after Dday. If I see her out I WILL cause a scene. I didn't choose any of this and I'm not going to be made to feel uncomfortable in social situations. Other than passing her in the car I haven't run into her since. You didn't choose this and shouldn't be forced to be uncomfortable. Either you and your H leave these events if she is there or she leaves.
JustBreathe Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 GAWD it being only 12 weeks since D-day, if you have actually laid eyes on her and not beaten her down to a pulpy mass then you are doing EXTREMELY well. You have my utmost respect for keeping your cool so long as she keeps her distance and respects you. Wishes makes perfect sense - is it feasible for you two to simply leave whenever she makes an appearance when you're out and about together? Just how small is your town?
NoIDidn't Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I had a similar situation, but I don't do scenes and public drama. I was performing at a local venue and turns out his OW was working as a hostess for the event. I had lights in my eyes, so I couldn't see her. But everyone around him knew. He told them. He told me afterwards. And yeah, he was sh*tt*ng bricks through the entire performance hoping that I wouldn't see her. I was upset about not knowing until afterwards. But, I found out through the grapevine that she didn't know I was there either. So it was a wash. Now, the Christmas Party that year was something different. She followed me around. Her friends followed me around. It was very annoying and I was tempted to break my own rule of not causing a scene. Thank God for people who know the situation (because she told all her co-workers and ended up being known as *that* girl at the office) pulling them folks to the side and setting them straight on me and my H's behalf.
NoIDidn't Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Sorry I didn't offer any advice or anything in my first post. I wouldn't leave a public or not so public place though. He's trying to fix things, he'll need to deal with it. Does anyone else know? In small towns, people usually do their best to let the OW know where they think her place is after the affair has ended. I'm not saying that its right, but it would make things easier for you to see that you do have some support while you work on rebuilding your marriage.
Author beyondsad Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 It is truly amazing that I did not cause a scene but my kids were there and hers. H was visibly uncomfortable and I was just reeling in my flashbacks and waves of disbelief that I am in this situation. We never came in contact just knew she was there. There will come a time when we run into each other face to face and if the zoloft isn't really kicking in it will be on. 12 weeks and counting and it is still so hard to stomach - I just can't stop thinking about how someone I have been married to for 13 yrs could be so dishonest and sneeky.
SierraRose Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 When you see her out and about, the BEST thing you can do is conduct yourself in a manner that is nothing less than a LADY. IMO, living well is the best revenge. If you show her you are irritaited or cause a scene then she wins. She knows she still has an impact. (what an ego boost for her!) I know this would take every fiber in your being NOT to beat her, but hold your H hand, smile and act like you don't even know she is there. Then, when you and H are alone, let it out girl...afterall, in the end HE was the one who KNEW from day 1 he was betraying you.
Author beyondsad Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 Of course the best revenge is happiness but controlling your emotions is quite a task. I did BUT in the irrational side of my brain I just feel she got away with pursing my H and there was no recourse. Sometimes I wish I could be that wild yelling uncontrolled betrayed women and cause a wild scene. I'm the hurt wife who is trying to keep it together and move on. My H tells me everyday how much he loves me and how sorry he is and until I find out something else I need to focus on us and not her. Hell of alot easier said than done. The joys of small town life! At least everybody knows what a whore she is!
SierraRose Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Focus on us, don't focus on her...??? if the CHEATER did that in the first place the whole situation would have been avoided! The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and figure out what you want and where you see yourself in the end...
marlena Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 The million dollar question is still what were you thinking - someone in our little town that I would run into- everybody knows everybody in our town - How could he be that stupid? I guess I am getting better but it is still so hard to stomach. Yes, this is hard to stomach. It is a total lack of consideration for your feelings or so it feels that way. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have no magic words to tell you how to get over the disgrace that you (mistakenly) feel but nevertheless do feel and understandably so. If it helps any, let me only say, that people in affairs are so wrapped up in the fog that clouds their thinking, thay they really do not perceive of the damage that they are inflicting on others. If you can, think of it as a temporary insanity plea and try to understand his lack of compunction.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 It has been 12 weeks since the EA ?PA was discovered and as a married couple we are trying hard to work it out. BUT, seeing the OW out and about at a local event is almost unbearable. When is that going to go away? I still think she needs a ass beating but I wouldn't want to make myself look like a fool. On the way home at least H said again how sorry he was that he has put me in this situation blah blah blah. The million dollar question is still what were you thinking - someone in our little town that I would run into- everybody knows everybody in our town - How could he be that stupid? I guess I am getting better but it is still so hard to stomach. I live in a smaller town too, and if it makes you feel any better with regards to the other woman, no decent man, if the whole town knows your H and her had an affair, will want to be with her unless they want nothing more than an easy lay. I had one woman that cheated on her xH and one woman that was an OW wanting to pursue a relationship with me on two different occasions. I told them both I wasn't interested and funny thing is they both tried to be persistent in making me change my mind. Finally with both of them I had to tell them WHY I don't want to date them. It pissed them off, but, too bad. As for your situation, I'm sorry your husband put you in it. Maybe some day another wife that falls victim to a husband and woman like her will do the beating for you;)
JustBreathe Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I think I could not help but want to beat her down. I was never given the opportunity so I can't be sure, but I think I would be lying if I said that I was sure I would never have done it. I thought I saw her in a coffee shop once, I had hot coffee in my hand and I thought if she turns around I'm going to throw it at her. But it wasn't her. Thank god. Believe me, I am not a violent woman or a street woman or anything. I am a boring old mother of 3. It was just so visceral, the anger I felt when I thought of her. so, generally, I avoided the places I thought I'd see her because I wasn't sure how I would react but was pretty sure it would have been a yelling match if nothing else. So... that's why I suggested maybe leaving the scene when the OW shows up... for now... is the best thing. To me, by sticking around, you're just making yourself miserable. It isn't about your husband or your marriage, it's about you and you are physically sick over what's happened right now. So I'd avoid her, if I could. Not because you're a coward or whatever, but because you don't want to upset yourself, you're going through enough as it is without having to look at the OW. In time, you will go on about your small town life like she was a mere bug on the windshield and that's the way it should be. About 3 yrs. post d-day I did run into the OW as I was no longer avoiding her. She was crossing the street as I was driving. I did not even feel the urge to run over her. See? I did good.
2sure Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Sieraarose said it. Beyondsad - when we are betrayed we are victims. You feel like a victim, no one likes that. I HATE that. I think that is the reason myself and many others say here on LS - when an A is discovered the BS has to turn the consequences back onto the WS and the OM/OW. I made my H the victim of his actions and to be honest I didnt like doing it, but I think it saved our marriage. I contacted the other womEn. I am a passionate person, capable of drama, very protective of what is mine, and consider the respect of others important to me. I am not a victim and I dont act like one. My H f'd up. When I have seen OW at social events...I hold my head high, act like I posess all of the class I truly do, and add a small inexplicable smile when I have had eye contact with her. My demeanor speaks volumes not of my status...but hers.
2sure Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I wanted to add that my above post in no way reflects my sincere inner desire to gouge her with my dinner fork.
JustBreathe Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Well 2 sure... so long as you can do it with utmost class, and remember to keep smiling that small inexplicable smile as the fork goes in and out of her eye, I really don't see anything wrong with it.
Athena Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 My now elderly aunt, when she was much younger, came face to face with her H's lover in a public bus. My aunt (a very dignified high school principle) lost it -- she grabbed the OW by the hair and 'threw' her off (kicked her off) the bus. Needless to say, the OW avoided my aunt's H after that, worried about any other possible crazed behavior. LOL
2sure Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Well 2 sure... so long as you can do it with utmost class, and remember to keep smiling that small inexplicable smile as the fork goes in and out of her eye, I really don't see anything wrong with it. Roaring with laughter here. "Crazy Eyes" makes people uncomfortable too. There no way not to feel threatened in some way by them.
marlena Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 My now elderly aunt, when she was much younger, came face to face with her H's lover in a public bus. My aunt (a very dignified high school principle) lost it -- she grabbed the OW by the hair and 'threw' her off (kicked her off) the bus. Needless to say, the OW avoided my aunt's H after that, worried about any other possible crazed behavior. LOL Your aunt must have been Greek, LOL!!
Athena Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Wow!!! YES she is! And to boot -- lives in Crete (you know they are a little fierce there... ha ha)
travelgirl Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I wanted to add that my above post in no way reflects my sincere inner desire to gouge her with my dinner fork. You are nicer then me on what utensil I would think of using. I would hope that steak would be served that night.
marlena Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Wow!!! YES she is! And to boot -- lives in Crete (you know they are a little fierce there... ha ha) Haha!!! I thought so!! NEVER, EVER fool around with a Cretan's (male or female) spouse unless you want a full-fledged vendetta on your hands!!! Now that I think of it, the OW got away scott-free!!! She's lucky she was thrown out of the bus and not under it!!! :lmao:
FeelLikeScreaming Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I ran into my MM's W during the time he was separated from her and seeing me. When she saw me, she went into the bathroom and called MM crying asking him to call me and have me leave. I was shocked to see her, but when I found out she would have stayed hidden in the bathroom until I left, I felt terrible. That was much worse than if she had yelled at me in front of all the other store's patrons.
OWoman Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Since I moved in with MM, I have been expecting us to run into the BW somewhere - this is a very small village. She doesn't know what I look like, but she'd obviously recognise MM and the kids. Yet we haven't. She's obviously been avoiding that and lying low, which has done us all a favour. I think a scene in public would be terrible for the kids
pelicanpreacher Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Since I moved in with MM, I have been expecting us to run into the BW somewhere - this is a very small village. She doesn't know what I look like, but she'd obviously recognise MM and the kids. Yet we haven't. She's obviously been avoiding that and lying low, which has done us all a favour. I think a scene in public would be terrible for the kids But what would you be prepared to do upon the inevitable confrontation that looms? From what you've posted before you have to consider the possibility of it getting physical for her emotional instability makes anything possible. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!
OWoman Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 But what would you be prepared to do upon the inevitable confrontation that looms? From what you've posted before you have to consider the possibility of it getting physical for her emotional instability makes anything possible. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! :lmao: Peli she'd best not - when I'm attacked my gut response is to fight back, and I've fought off armed thugs enough times to have confidence in my self-defence skills. But I'd really rather not - it's not the kind of thing I'd want the kids to witness, or even to hear about afterward.
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