Unrequited love?

[VenusInFurs]

Wasn't sure where to post this. This situation is eating me up and driving me insane and I would really really appreciate advice

 

I dated a man for six months about a year and a half ago (have known him for three/four years) and obviously I'm still not over it. He was my 'first love' and in my eyes 'the one'.

 

Nobody is sympathetic because we were only exclusive for six months. No one understands why I still care.

 

I know I'm stupid. I know he treated me horribly, and he's shallow and selfish.

 

I've even dated someone since then (for over a year) who loves me (I love him too but it's not the same, crazy passionate devotion as I have for ex). Ex hadn't dated anyone since me.

 

My ex had sent me stupid 'how you doing' text messages on and off since we split, and is clearly still very attracted to me, but I tried to deal with it and think of him as scum to protect myself from being hurt. Whenever i saw him face to face though, i would get butterflies, or want to cry:(

 

My ex started contacting me AGAIN in july/august and then a chance meeting made all the supressed feelings come back (exactly what i wanted to avoid). I broke up with my current boyfriend because of this (although it wasn't the main reason). We met up twice (had sex 5 times the first time!) and he was saying all these wonderful things and then went cold immediately after the last meeting. I keep going over and over in my head 'was it something i said'.

 

It most likely was. The other guy I mentioned (we'll call him J) was threatening to harm my ex and I told ex to keep quiet about us meeting up for now until things cooled down. My ex seemed annoyed by this.

 

Anyway, when he became cold, I was trying to be nonchalant but I got drunk last month and called him professing my undying love

 

He said things like 'You know I care about you' and 'we drove eachother crazy when we went out' and 'if you loved me there wouldn't have been any other men' (meaning i wouldn't have dated anyone else). He told me he had just started seeing someone:(.

 

He called me the next day to see if I was ok and said he was 'Gutted' because of my phonecall. I said I felt like an idiot and he said he felt like and idiot. Why? I asked. He wouldn't answer. Then he started calling me 'mate' and said 'chat to you later'. Haven't spoken since.

 

I haven't called. Deleted him from everything, but each day I've been praying he'll call me. Crying myself to sleep every night.

 

I can't make sense of anything.

 

It's probably worth mentioning he broke up with me because I was suffering from depression back then and he couldn't cope. I've changed so much since then I wish I could prove it to him but I'm not exactly getting any chances.

 

How in the hell can I move on???

 

I tried before, but he burst back into my life and left me at square one. I know as soon as I get over him he'll waltz back in and I won't be able to tell him no coz of my stupid 'what ifs?'

 

HELP!

[VenusInFurs]

please someone say something. im going out of my mind with no one to talk to

[ThisGuy85]

I STILL from time to time think about my first love. When we broke up my world was wrecked. I don't think anybody ever really forgets their first. But I will say that time does heal! I have dated many women since the break up, And am in a long term relationship with a girl now. Like I said from time to time I still think about her, But it's not a "God I want her back" feeling, But a "wonder how things would have turned out" feeling. Just keep reminding yourself, You broke up for a reason!

 

I think you'd be doing the right thing by cuttting him out of your life. Over time you will eventually get over him.

 

Hope this helped

[moonmoon]

this could be oversimplified and fraught with errors but

 

maybe as a starting point, if you do get back in a relationship with him, or if hes trying to get with you, you shouldnt have sex until you are beginning to see some solidarity to the things he says.

 

He doesnt seem like a particularly nice guy but it would go a lot towards proving he actually gives a ****, if he is willing to explore the possibility, fully knowing hes not getting any awesome sex right away.

 

Also, you talk about making each other crazy etc. Actually talk about those things, it seems like you two really never actually figured much out about each other

[Stockalone]

You are not stupid. It just seems that your heart is having a hard time accepting what your mind already knows. If he treated you horribly, then he is not "the one".

 

You want to see the good in him, remember the great times you shared. But if you force yourself to think about all the times where he didn't treat you right, then you have the power to not give in to him.

 

You are already doing this and you need to keep doing it.

 

Keeping in touch by casually texting you is preventing you from moving on. Maybe he does it on purpose to keep you interested in case he doesn't find anyone better. Maybe he does it because he does still have feelings for you.

 

He dumped you because you were depressed? Sadly, this happens.

 

However, to give you a hard time about how you wouldn't be dating other people if you loved him, is cruel. What about his love, does he also think that he showed you his love by dumping you without supporting you in dealing with your depression?

 

You seem to let a lot of his past behaviour slide because you were depressed at the time. I don't think he deserves all that. Your depression can't be an excuse for his behaviour, at least not his overall behaviour towards you.

 

I wouldn't believe for a second that you scared him off with something that you said. Look at his actions when you hooked up again. He took the free sex without doing anything to show you that he has changed. And yes, he needs to change too. He still treated you like you are expendable, like a booty call. He took the free sex and from what you wrote, cared little about your feelings in all of this.

 

Sure, he claimed to have felt like an idiot, and maybe that is true to some extent and he still does have feelings for you. But what he has shown you and what he has done is not nearly good enough.

 

You do realize this, don't you?

[VenusInFurs]

Thanks ThisGuy. I thought cutting contact was the right thing.

 

Moonmoon, thank you, but your post is too optimistic. He's with someone now, and he hasn't bothered to call or text me. I'm terrified about talking about 'us'. I just think he thinks I'm crazy. He says he cares about me but isn't that just sugar-coating? If he cared, he'd call right?

 

Oh and when we were flirting with texts and first arranged to meet up, he cancelled. He said 'I don't think it would be right' (after spending the entire night of my friend's birthday attached to me, ALL OVER ME)

 

After that I told him to never contact me, and said I had no feelings for him. 1 or 2 weeks later he said he wanted to meet up, and we had the greatest afternoon, night and morning together and he was acting all sappy towards me.

[VenusInFurs]

Stockalone, thank you so much for your post! I know he treats me like ****. But he can also make me feel on top of the world.

 

I have so much trouble understanding what he means. When he said 'if you loved me you wouldn't have dated anyone else' i didn't think to question his love for me. I assume he doesn't love me at all. I look at it entirely as me having to win him back somehow, but that its completely futile. I go back and forth from hope and despair.

 

I was wondering, should I text him an ultimatum:

 

'Do you want me out of your life completely. Yes or no? Please don't sugarcoat.'

 

I just want him to be straight with me. I want him to say 'yes' more than 'no'!!! Because I can't have him keep reappearing and not be with him, it's too much hurt.

[Stockalone]

Stockalone, thank you so much for your post! I know he treats me like ****. But he can also make me feel on top of the world.

 

To be honest, it took me a long time to understand that. I always wondered what the heck is wrong with women who stay with jerks who treat them so badly.

 

I never really considered that there also has to be something else, something good that makes them fall in love with the jerk in the first place.

 

 

I have so much trouble understanding what he means. When he said 'if you loved me you wouldn't have dated anyone else' i didn't think to question his love for me. I assume he doesn't love me at all. I look at it entirely as me having to win him back somehow, but that its completely futile. I go back and forth from hope and despair.

 

I don't know if he still loves you or if he ever loved you.

 

If he tried but just couldn't deal with your depression, that must have been hard for him too. Maybe he loves you in his own way, but the bottom line is, he left you. That he has the gall to tell you that you didn't love him because you dated someone else after he had dumped you during a crisis where you needed him most, is quite something.

 

The question I think you should try to answer, is why do you think it was too much for him? Why did he leave you?

 

I don't know if he tried to help but you wouldn't let him help, that you pushed him away, or if he didn't even try at all or if it was something in between.

 

Maybe if you can answer those questions for yourself, you might have a more clear picture of what happened back then and why it happened.

 

Basically, did he cut and run as soon as things got difficult or do you feel like he really tried to make it work?

 

If you think he tried, I could understand that you would want to give him another chance. You are no longer depressed and believe that it will work this time.

 

The reason why I don't think that is the case, is how he handled your break-up and your recent hook-up. I just went back and read some of your old posts. He dumped you via a text. He didn't answer why he felt like an idiot after you called him when you were drunk.

 

And you have said nothing about him inquiring and actually caring ("how you doing" does not count) about your well-being.

 

To be perfectly blunt, I think he considers you to be good enough to shack if he doesn't have to deal with your problems (depression or not) but that's about it.

 

 

I was wondering, should I text him an ultimatum:

 

'Do you want me out of your life completely. Yes or no? Please don't sugarcoat.'

 

I just want him to be straight with me. I want him to say 'yes' more than 'no'!!! Because I can't have him keep reappearing and not be with him, it's too much hurt.

 

I'd vote for ignoring him. An ultimatum right now will probably have no effect.

 

Do you think you can start to heal without closure? Because I think your best chance to see what he really wants, will come when he reappears, when he is the one who wants to see you.

 

If that happens, you can ask him the questions you need answered and at the same time you can watch if his actions match his words. Make him earn your trust, no easy sex just because he says that he cares for you.

[VenusInFurs]

He did try to make it work I suppose, but if anything he was frightened. He told me himself he wanted an 'easy going' relationship. He just didn't care about me ENOUGH obviously, to stick through the tough time. Didn't want to invest much energy into the relationship.

 

Yes, he dumped me by text message (although he denies this). I text him back 'you never gave a **** about me did you?' Then he rang me. I screamed at him telling him I hated him and he burst into tears and punched his wall, then preceeded to ignore my calls.

 

He then came back to me a few weeks later, cried again, said he loved me, we had sex, and then he said something like 'but we can't get back together straight away, I don't want a make-up break-up relationship.' and he wouldn't be clear if we would get back together or be friends, or what.

 

I of course, was becoming more and more crazy from this whole thing. He then treated me like **** on a separate occasion, occuring a week later, hanging out and being way too touchy feely with his other ex in front of me. In front of all of my friends! I figured it was over and drunkenly kissed someone (whom I did not know but found out was a close friend of his!!!).

 

We didn't speak for a month, but when we finally did, he was angry at me!!!! saying **** like 'do you know what it's like to see the woman i love with my best friend?'

 

He was doing it to me!!!

 

And the worst thing about it, he can treat me this badly and I still love and want him. What's wrong with me?!?

[VenusInFurs]

I know i know.

 

I should stop this masochistic crazy bull****.

 

I guess I want what I can't have. Can't understand what happened. I can't believe I'm not over it.

 

I hope I have the strength to tell him to **** off when he contacts me again.

 

I wish my stupid heart would give up on him.

[Geishawhelk]

Your heart has nothing to do with it.

It's all in your mind.

Ask yourself why you're giving him Mind-room, rent-free, to f**k about with your common sense with no come-back.

 

HOW DARE HE!!

[manugeorge]

Your self-esteem...get it out of the gutter.

 

A person who loves you doesn't treat you badly, that is not love. Love doesn't make you feel on top on the world one minute and then treat you like **** the next minute. While it will not make you feel on top of the world all the time, the lull will not make you feel like ****.

 

You deserve better, make yourself realize that.

[VenusInFurs]

Thank you geisha, what you said's really cool.

 

And manugeorge, you're completely right. I have terrible self-esteem, kinda obvious I guess. I don't like myself so I'm attracted to a person who doesn't like me either.

 

I don't convince myself that he loves me, I know he doesn't, I just want him to. It's obsessive and unhealthy. I think my main issue is with myself. I need to love myself.

[VenusInFurs]

I'm gonna order a pizza now because i've been in a depressed slump all day!!!

 

sigh