sylviaguardian Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I've try to keep a long story brief. I've been on and off the site since I found out, out of the blue, that my husband was having an affair with his co-worker. It had been going on for years and I had no idea. A first he admitted to an EA. I was devastated and would have done anything to fix the relationship. Gradually I smelt a rat and months and months of arguing led him to finally admitting that it was a 'low=level' PA (hand jobs in her car - classy). We tried to make it work and went to counselling. It was through the counselling sessions (ironically) that I realised that he would never change. When the counsellor asked me at my last session what I would do, I realised that I would totally disengage mentally from this man. Neither of us wanted to divorce because of children, finances etc We ambled along. I focussed on me and got the best out of my kids, career, friends etc. We went on holiday amicablly. I have not so much as kissed my husband since I realised at the counsellor what I would do. I have no feelings whatsoever for him. Unusally, last week we had a heated discussion because he told me that my attitude towards him (i.e. that I don't love him anymore) was really hurtful. I was astounded and we had the first conversation in ages that we'd had about the whole thing. I told him that a HUGE amount of resentment came from the fact that he treats me like an idiot. I knew he was lying and what's more, I knew that HE knew that I knew (if you know what I mean ). He was silent (as usual). Last night, he suddenly decides that it's a good time to admit that he was lying all this time and that he was banging his co-worker on a really regular basis. I knew this (NB - ALWAYS listen to your gut instinct)and wasn't surprised. However, I am shocked by how I have taken this. I genuinely have no feelings for him but last night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get the images out of my head. I felt sick and numb like I was being betrayed all over again. I genuinely thought I wouldn't care when I eventually found out and there was defintely a sense of relief that at last the truth is out. But I feel so totally low about myself. I am back to wondering how he could have treated me like and feeling that I am a piece of s***. What's it all about? What should I do to make myself feel better again?
Reggie Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 The mind is a strange thing. Even though you "knew" on some level, your mind retained a smidge of denial. It is really hard to just detach on a permanent basis when you are still married. Detachment is a very useful tool on a temporary basis, when you need to step back from abuse(like infidelity) and get some perspective. But, on a long term basis, it whithers your spirit. You have no source of emotional closeness and it is terribly lonely. I think , at some point, you will realize just how great a sacrifice living like this is. It is a sacrifice that hurts you and trickles down to the kids. Most marriages do not survive infidelity. It is just too big of a blow. Sorry you have had to go through this.
Owl Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Hey SG...long time no "type to". I remember you from back in the day. It's not surprising that this bothered you a lot more than you would have expected. There's a term that a good friend of mine once told me..."It all boils down to 18 inches.". That's the distance from the head to the heart...about 18 inches. You knew in your mind that it was more than he admitted to...but hadn't truly WANTED to believe it, so you held out that hope in your heart that he wasn't with her in that fashion. And it sounds as though he was very callous and the manner of finding out was perhaps more intended to hurt than to heal...and that can have a lot to do with how you process this stuff too. My first reaction would be just to suggest not to make any hasty decisions right now. Let yourself process this new information. Let yourself get hurt/angry/etc... over all of this. Work through it. And then, once you're done...THEN you can stop and take stock and see what you want to do from here. From what I read in your post...I don't think the two of you have really "recovered" much yet at all. It sounds like there's STILL a lot of underlying problems. Did ya'll do MC? IC? I'm curious...and curious if that would still remain a possible avenue to fix things.
Author sylviaguardian Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 The mind is a strange thing. Even though you "knew" on some level, your mind retained a smidge of denial. It is really hard to just detach on a permanent basis when you are still married. Detachment is a very useful tool on a temporary basis, when you need to step back from abuse(like infidelity) and get some perspective. But, on a long term basis, it whithers your spirit. You have no source of emotional closeness and it is terribly lonely. I think , at some point, you will realize just how great a sacrifice living like this is. It is a sacrifice that hurts you and trickles down to the kids. Most marriages do not survive infidelity. It is just too big of a blow. Sorry you have had to go through this. Ah, you're right. The mind IS a funny thing. And mine has been totally messed up over the years. It's only now that I've realised that I should trust my own beliefs way before what anyone else tells me. [[/i] I know what you are saying Reggie and I'm already starting to realise how much the last few years have withered me. I have no source of emotional closeness but even if I got rid of my husband, I would still be without that. The totally ideal solution for me would be for my husband to leave and for me to never ever have to speak to him or look at him again. That would be such a nice scenario for me, to just be free and be myself again. I'm not ready to get a divorce though. I'm not prepared to not see my kids every second weekend. I can't do that. One day I will be ready to face up to giving them that blow but I don't have the guts for it just yet.
Author sylviaguardian Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 :sick: From what I read in your post...I don't think the two of you have really "recovered" much yet at all. It sounds like there's STILL a lot of underlying problems. Did ya'll do MC? IC? I'm curious...and curious if that would still remain a possible avenue to fix things. Hey Owl! Good to hear from you. You are right, we never recovered. I had kinda stopped caring about it full stop to be honest. We did the MC thing - it was a waste of time because he lied all the way through. I have no intention of doing MC again but maybe I would think about IC again at some point. I feel like maybe I have issues now that I need to address. There is no change of fixing things now - I don't have any will to do that now. As soon as I think the kids can take it, we'll be parting. The irony is that now that I am finally done with him, he is still banging on about how he still thinks we'll always be together and we can make it work now. weird huh? How are you doing?
Owl Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I'm doing well, my friend. Thank you for asking. My wife and I have recovered very well. I totally understand your thoughts on MC at this point...and you're right, MC is worse than useless when one partner is trying to recover, and the other is lying to do damage control. I'd suggest that you go to IC...help yourself get your feet under you, emotionally, and every other way possible too. I understand your reasoning behind not getting a divorce at this point, but I wanted to caution you to give some thought to things... What message are you teaching your kids about relationships and marriage by remaining married to your H, when he clearly treats you and the marriage the way that he does? What will they learn and apply to their OWN relationships later in life? Will it be a positive lesson, or a negative one? I'm wondering if my choices have had similar impacts in my kids's choices now. My kids are all adults...22 and 20. All but one (remember its two sets of twins) are currently in various relationships...and unfortunately, none of them are really all that great. I remind my kids that this is while they're dating...and things should be WONDERFUL right now. But they all seem to have a rough time setting some good boundaries on what they'll accept from their partner. In other words, I'm worried that my long time tolerance of my wife's poor behavior may have impacted their choice in how to deal with a relationship partner. NOW, my boundaries are a lot more concrete...but it seems like they're not really seeing it at this point and not imposing good boundaries. I'd suggest that you might consider either shoring up your boundaries (what have you got to lose at this point?) so that your kids learn how to insist on proper interaction in a relationship, or divorce. Make sure that they learn from your situation...and learn what you WANT them to learn, rather than teach them to remain in an unviable relationship. Hope that makes some kind of sense, my friend. Just some things to consider.
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