letinmotion Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Okay so my ex recently broke up with me after a four month relationship. It had been on the rocks for a little while because we just were not getting along. Mostly due to the fact that I was really unsure about my feelings towards her and she knew it. I was also taking the stress of my job out on her. A good friend of mine talked to my ex and asked what happened. She said she just didnt think I really loved her and was scared that she was going to get hurt. She said at least three times she wants to give me another chance. I've done a lot of heavy thinking towards what I want and I realize my mistakes and where I went wrong. We are planning on just not talking for the week to see where that puts us. I am so worried that someone else is going to come into the picture in this time period to feel the void that I cant right now. I want to give her space but I just keep thinking about that. I do not want to loose her at all. Another thing is, she has so much of her things at my house. At least 8 pairs of shoes undergarments and more. She hasn't even asked for these items back yet. I did speak to her in person Saturday and told her that I agreed that we just needed some time apart. We were very flirtatious and everything seemed really good. I have to point out that this girl REALLY cared about me and loved me. I just hope I didn't screw that up too much. What should I be thinking here?
samspade Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Why are you giving her all the power to "give" you another chance? Regardless of whether you made mistakes, you are sitting around and waiting for someone to decide whether she will bless you with her companionship. Quit thinking about it and live your life. If she wants to come back, it will be crystal clear to you.
Taramere Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Why are you giving her all the power?....If she wants to come back, it will be crystal clear to you. I have to point out that this girl REALLY cared about me and loved me. I just hope I didn't screw that up too much. What should I be thinking here? Not being sure about your feelings for someone after 4 months is hardly a heinous offence. Taking out work related stress on them...well, that could be a bit more serious, depending on what you mean by that. I'm sort of with samspade on the "don't give her all the power" issue....but from what you've said, during the relationship your ex was in the weak position of being the one who cared more. Or, at least, was certain of her feelings whereas you were a bit more confused. Nobody enjoys being on the receiving end of that confusion. It's neither a secure nor a flattering position to inhabit. Perhaps in those circumstances, this girl needs to have some sense of being in a stronger position than she was in during the relationship. Some sense of power. It doesn't mean you have to give her all manner of power to decide whether the two of you have potential to have a better relationship second time around. But I would think it does mean you initiating some kind of discussion with her about this. Especially as she's dropped the clue, via a mutual friend, that she would like to try again. Wait for a clearer signal than that, and you could be waiting for a long time. After all, it doesn't sound as though you treated her all that brilliantly in the course of the relationship. It's a bit much, under those circumstances (adding in the fact that she doesn't believe her feelings for you were reciprocated) to expect her to approach you directly with a "let's try again" suggestion. Women, as well as men, have pride and egos. A good friend of mine talked to my ex and asked what happened. She said she just didnt think I really loved her and was scared that she was going to get hurt. When people talk about wanting to be "really loved" what do they mean by that? Being afforded affection, loyalty and nurturing to an intensity that's equal to (or perhaps more than) the degree of those things they themselves are capable of or would be prepared to offer another person? Fulfilling all their emotional needs? How can we ever assure someone that we will give them all that, if that's what real love means? You can only love someone in the way you know how to love....and be influenced in part by your understanding of what it is that they want from you. Be wary of making all kinds of promises you might not be able to keep, purely for the sake of getting back together with an ex.....but I would have thought it was perfectly in order for you to give her a call and say "look, I know you talked to (mutual friend), and I understand you raised issues that I'd really like to talk to you about. Are you up for meeting and discussing this?"
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