Tom5264 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Well I guess I just would like to talk about this with someone, but I really can't because it was wrong of me and her. It's a long story, sorry! It was I guess an "emotional affair" and I didn't even know what that was until then. I've known her now for over 15 years at work, always been good friends. A while back we ended up sitting right next to each other for a few years and we talked a lot, more and more each day. We were both married with children. I think it was the only time in my life I wanted to go to work. The conversations started to take a more "romantic" tone over time. A year or so later they re-arranged the floor and we were still in the same department, but not together. That was hard to deal with, but we would call each other, started to go to lunch together, and then later we would IM each other a ton. Well I fell in love, in a way I never had before. I'm not a kid, and this was not some woman I only knew for a couple of months. I told her one day I was afraid that I liked her more than I should, she said she did to and probably more. I think my first mistake was telling her I loved her. She didn't know what to say. She did ask me if I would wait for her (I guess when her kids got older, we're the same age but her kids are a lot younger). I wrote her an email telling her how I felt and she told me it was a beautiful letter and she would read it every day. No she never told me she loved me, but these an a bunch of other examples would lead you to think she did. Then something happened that had the opposite effect I might have imagined. She ended up in divorce. I'm skipping over a ton of events, but anyway she was distant for a while which I understand. Then she started to warm up to me again and we would chat online at night sometimes. Then little by little she would stop dropping by my desk, not so many emails, and the emails would be more and more platonic, barely any more phone calls, none from her home anymore. I ask her what is going on and she responds like she doesn't know what I'm talking about. She tells me it's because she has changed and she's not sure about ever becoming involved with a man again......ok I get it, reasonable, I wish she would have told me that. The punch line is that around the same time she "changed" she met an old male friend of hers. I know she talks to him all the time. I have asked her about it, but she says they are just friends. It's very hard to see someone everyday who you love and who has cast you aside, but I did get another job (not because of that) and I thought that would be it. She said we should still stay in touch, email, phone, and have lunch (now she'll go to lunch with me again?). We went out for drinks and talked about some of this stuff. When we said goodnight we hugged, kissed on the cheek, she turned and kissed me on the lips quickly, and we were both crying. She said if she didn't leave now she never would. As much as it hurts that she is seeing this guy, it hurts more that she never told me, still denies it to me. Sure.... why chat online with a married guy when you can chat live with a single guy? But at least tell me. I'm supposedly her best friend and she knows how I feel about her, so at least tell me she's sorry but she's moving on. Don't tell me she can't not talk to me and can't not see me here and there. And stop asking me if I want to go to exotic places with her, and so on. I decided to stop contact with her. That lasted about 2 weeks before I caved in (weak! I know!). I tried again to stop. I figured as much as it hurts its the only way to end the hurt. It didn't last again and we were having lunch a week after I said some ****ty things to try to driver her away. So, new job, having lunch every couple of weeks, daily emails (about 500 since July), some phone calls. I'm still in love, still can't sleep. Not sure why I'm writing all this, maybe just to "talk" about it. I know this is all wrong, but I just can't stop thinking about her. And I know I am prolonging my pain by keeping in constant touch. Sorry for the long winded story. But it did cover 4 years.
bentnotbroken Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Tell your wife and get counseling for why you felt the need to cross the boundaries. She has moved on and you should leave her alone.
SierraRose Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 IMO, sounds like she cares for you tremendously. She went thru the right steps of getting a D before getting involved with you. She may have expected you to do the same and you didn't. After all you did say you loved her.... She sounds like a woman with morals and dispite her feeling towards you, she won't get involved in a physical A. Good for her. Repect her wishes, leave her be-for all you are doing is toying with her emotions. Forget her, get into counceling.
frannie Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I think my first mistake was telling her I loved her. She didn't know what to say. She did ask me if I would wait for her (I guess when her kids got older, we're the same age but her kids are a lot younger)... Then something happened that had the opposite effect I might have imagined. She ended up in divorce. I'm skipping over a ton of events, but anyway she was distant for a while which I understand. The punch line is that around the same time she "changed" she met an old male friend of hers. I know she talks to him all the time. I have asked her about it, but she says they are just friends. ... I'm supposedly her best friend and she knows how I feel about her, so at least tell me she's sorry but she's moving on. Don't tell me she can't not talk to me and can't not see me here and there. Hello. The bits that are missing here... were you having an affair for 4 years, and friends for 15? Was it all stuff at work, an emotional affair, lunches, what? Did she just get moving on her divorce and you never moved on yours, if there was ever going to be a divorce? There's so much missing here. I can't tell if she wanted to be with you or not, did she get tired of you being married? Is she even really seeing this other guy seriously or what? How can she be 'best friends' with you when you're married, she's now single and dating, it's not going to work is it? Sorry you're feeling so down.
jwi71 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It sounds like a classic case of love not requited. He loves her and she has divorced and moved on. I will further guess the OP is not willing to get divorced to further chase this W. So, like bent was saying - would you consider some MC (marriage counseling) to work on your own M?
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It's possible that the emotional affair setting was just that - You both were married, flirted and had an EA, it was safe and fun, but once she divorced, she saw you were still married, didn't see a point in continuing with you because it wasn't going to go anywhere. The friendship was selfish to begin with, as it only included you two - No outsiders. I mean, does your wife know this woman? If she were a true friend, she'd be a part of your life and your wife would be involved as well. Seems that isn't the case. Ask yourself why you allowed yourself to fall for another woman while married. What's going on at home, what needs aren't being met? How can you improve your marriage, focus on your wife and make your marriage better?
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