Shygirl15 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 The worst thing is that it is so easy for people to say "why do you care?" "why worry about a fool like that?" I know right? I have been resisting the urge to tell her the same thing since yesterday, but frankly it's not that easy. But good news is that it won't last forever so just be patient..it's just a phase..
You'reasian Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Thank you for your honesty . I liked the exclamation points and the question marks, and the caps, because they're the clearest evidence (and an admission) that there is no point in asking girls what qualities they like in a guy and then try to achieve that traits . The point being that, as evidenced by the OP's ordeal none of that matters . She's still hooked, no matter how irrational this seems, even after blatant rudeness from guy in question. Notice how my response got ignored lol I've learned my lesson (not to pay any attention to what a woman *says* she wants) a long time ago , not out of disrespect, but based on repeated evidence that as long as a girl *feels* certain way, no amount of rational evidence against said feeling stands the slimmest chance whatsoever . Her emotions will wipe it clean, or use it as a fuel to the fire . Ladies, I love you all ! Search for posts about individuals who are in love with the guy who beats her, uses coke, marijuana, porn, gambles, drives on the wrong side of the road, never puts the toilet seat down etc. If you find a quality woman, don't let her go. Don't settle for a girl, settle for a woman. A godly one.
Taramere Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 he basically told me he wasn't looking to date anyone else. Great, right? I was seconds away from doing cartwheels, but then the VERY NEXT DAY he basically completely DISAPPEARED on me. I put two-and-two together and realized that either (1) he is in fact dating someone else and isn't interested in investing into a relationship with me anymore, (2) he's scared sh*tless, or (3) he's just not that into me... none of which are acceptable to me. ....We didn't even have sex for crying out loud, but I'm stuck on him. I want HIM. Mr. Unreliable. Mr. Non-Committal. Mr. Jerkface. Mr. Insensitive. If he was seeing other women when he was seeing you, that would seem to increase the likelihood that he's put you on the backburner while he focuses on either a new girl, or someone he put on the backburner while he was concentrating on you. It's almost like a cooking programme. "Here's one I prepared earlier!" This would have the dual advantage (to him) of giving him space to spread it around a bit and create sufficient insecurity that you'll dive into bed with him when he does get back in touch with you. That's a fourth possible explanation for his behaviour. Would that be more or less acceptable to you than the three possible reasons he listed already?
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Search for posts about individuals who are in love with the guy who beats her, uses coke, marijuana, porn, gambles, drives on the wrong side of the road, never puts the toilet seat down etc. If you find a quality woman, don't let her go. Don't settle for a girl, settle for a woman. A godly one. I don't know why you're even bringing up men who treat women BADLY in this thread. It's like comparing apples and oranges. And I certainly hope you're not suggesting I'm the type to date a man like the one you describe.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 If he was seeing other women when he was seeing you, that would seem to increase the likelihood that he's put you on the backburner while he focuses on either a new girl, or someone he put on the backburner while he was concentrating on you. It's almost like a cooking programme. "Here's one I prepared earlier!" Ha...funny description, but yes...I agree. This would have the dual advantage (to him) of giving him space to spread it around a bit and create sufficient insecurity that you'll dive into bed with him when he does get back in touch with you. That's a fourth possible explanation for his behaviour. Would that be more or less acceptable to you than the three possible reasons he listed already? It's early for me... I don't really understand what you're saying here. ?
movingonandon Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I don't know why you're even bringing up men who treat women BADLY in this thread. It's like comparing apples and oranges. And I certainly hope you're not suggesting I'm the type to date a man like the one you describe. Nah, he's making a perfectly valid point, which i obviously agree with . sure, the guy you're talking about didn't smack you around, but it's just a matter of extent. The point is that he disrespected you, openly, rudely, several times, in no uncertain terms (and even not particularly skillfully so...) and you're still hot and bothered .
Taramere Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 It's early for me... I don't really understand what you're saying here. ? Well, the three reasons you gave point to him being reasonably genuine - if a bit cowardly (if he's disappeared without comment because he wasn't interested). The reason I presented was that he's a player who's using some kind of power strategy on you. My question was really to establish whether you'd prefer it if he was deliberately playing a game with you to keep you hooked/reel you in further...or if you'd rather that he was a non-player who had simply lost interest? Which explanation would make it easier for you to close down the shutters on this man?
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Nah, he's making a perfectly valid point, which i obviously agree with . sure, the guy you're talking about didn't smack you around, but it's just a matter of extent. The point is that he disrespected you, openly, rudely, several times, in no uncertain terms (and even not particularly skillfully so...) and you're still hot and bothered . He disrespected me ONCE through a rude text message. I'm not defending the guy at all, but please don't exaggerate the situation.
movingonandon Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Which explanation would make it easier for you to close down the shutters on this man? Oh, this is too easy . What woman wouldn't chalk it up to him being a playa, rather than to... gasp... him losing interest
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Well, the three reasons you gave point to him being reasonably genuine - if a bit cowardly (if he's disappeared without comment because he wasn't interested). The reason I presented was that he's a player who's using some kind of power strategy on you. My question was really to establish whether you'd prefer it if he was deliberately playing a game with you to keep you hooked/reel you in further...or if you'd rather that he was a non-player who had simply lost interest? Which explanation would make it easier for you to close down the shutters on this man? Probably the player explanation. Problem is, I really do think he's a genuine, good guy at heart who just lost interest or has more interest in someone else. But I'll keep telling myself he's a player just to get over it.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Oh, this is too easy . What woman wouldn't chalk it up to him being a playa, rather than to... gasp... him losing interest Although you're right, that question wasn't directed at you. That said, you're painting this guy as a disrespectful jerk, not a genuine guy who just lost interest. Pick one.
movingonandon Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 He disrespected me ONCE through a rude text message. I'm not defending the guy at all, but please don't exaggerate the situation. Fair enough Six pages of discussion of this made me think that the sky had fallen, i didn't read it all . also, I have no incentive to paint him as jerk. In fact, i kinda like him , and I'm just amused by the whole ordeal
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 I take that back. There's at least one other occasion where he was RUDE. RUDE RUDE RUDE. Ugh. Now I'm mad! LOL
Lauriebell82 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I didn't read the entire thread, but from what I gather he doesn't sound like he's great boyfriend material. Maybe you are attracted to him BECAUSE he acts that way..you can't figure him out so it attracts you more. The "women love men who are bad for them" phenomenon. If he sent you a rude and disrespectful text message, then he may not be an outright full-blown jerk but for a casual relationship is sounds like too much work.
Taramere Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 What woman wouldn't chalk it up to him being a playa, rather than to... gasp... him losing interest Given the amount of effort men apparently put into the art of learning how to play women, I don't think it's unreasonable for women to assume that when they behave in strange and unexplained ways, that it might be down to some kind of game plan. I don't think "he's a player" is necessarily the explanation that women will always chose. Perhaps to a man it seems like a flattering (to the woman) explanation, but it isn't necessarily. "Maybe I hurt or offended him in some way" is probably more flattering to a woman's ego than "he's a player". Star's belief that the guy is an okay person who just lost interest strikes me as a sign that she's closer to getting over this than she might think she is.
Trialbyfire Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 There are different kinds of players, the physical guy who wants to chalk marks on his bedpost, the emotional player who needs the ego-feed and the worst, a combination of both. The harder the woman falls, the more he gets off. Who knows what this guy is, whether player or disinterested individual. Either way, he's a runner, at least from SGs perspective. To paraphrase SG herself within this thread "at the expense of a real relationship". If you need a category for him, he's a "no go".
movingonandon Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Given the amount of effort men apparently put into the art of learning how to play women, I don't think it's unreasonable for women to assume that when they behave in strange and unexplained ways, that it might be down to some kind of game plan. I don't think "he's a player" is necessarily the explanation that women will always chose. Perhaps to a man it seems like a flattering (to the woman) explanation, but it isn't necessarily. "Maybe I hurt or offended him in some way" is probably more flattering to a woman's ego than "he's a player". Star's belief that the guy is an okay person who just lost interest strikes me as a sign that she's closer to getting over this than she might think she is. It's a little off-topic, but i think that any attempt to play women is doomed to fail, and I alluded to this in my earlier posts. which is to say that the guy does not necessarily plays her (at least not on purpose), but apparently he has no issue leaving or going as he pleases, with no concern for her approval, which is what seems to drive her crazy.:) In my personal opinion, the only surefire way to "playing" a woman is basically to not play at all , but just to ake sure your needs are satisfied, you're perfectly happy with your life, and she can take or leave an opportunity to join it. This does not mean disrespect or treating women badly - quite the contrary! But it means zero willigness to do something you would not otherwise do, just to please a woman . This attitude - as long as it's genuine, not fakery - trumps any of the bull**** "laundry lists" of what qualities women desire in guys . In fact, going that route will only hurt both parties in the end, because going with the list of desireable qualities may eventually make a woman think "well I guess he's a pretty good catch after all" without being genuinely attracted to him. The only way to healthy relationships goes through driving the woman insane , her illusion of control (i.e. "I'm the one choosing the man") needs to crumble. (i.e. she needs to "want him", baaaaaad, not "evaluate" him). So sue me! Maybe she didn't do anything wrong, maybe he just doesn't feel like it at the moment if so, there you have it
Taramere Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 :)............... ....The only way to healthy relationships goes through driving the woman insane ......... I'll say this, movinonandon. You certainly know how to drive a woman insane. But as for a healthy relationship, no way. Not with that amount of smilies. Where's my Migraleve? Where is it?
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Driving someone crazy will only work for short-term gains. It's counter-productive in the long-term since it does nothing but build distrust between partners. Long-term relationships require solid platforms. Uncertainty creates a house of cards.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Driving someone crazy will only work for short-term gains. It's counter-productive in the long-term since it does nothing but build distrust between partners. Long-term relationships require solid platforms. Uncertainty creates a house of cards. This is so true. Even if this guy came back pledging his undying devotion, I don't think I could ever fully trust him.
shadowplay Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 You already know intellectually this guy isn't anything special and only getting under your skin because of his apparent lack of interest. That's half the battle. Some women will convince themselves they like a guy who's blowing them off for other reasons. Now all you have to do is let it sink in on an emotional level, at which point your interest in him will entirely die. Cutting all contact will speed up the process. I suggest you try to get to the bottom of why you find yourself drawn to guys who are less interested in you, because it seems like a pattern. Or maybe you already know why but your head and heart are at odds?
movingonandon Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 This is so true. Even if this guy came back pledging his undying devotion, I don't think I could ever fully trust him. Well, trust is just one of the many things on the laundry list of thing women *say* they like and need and need in relationships with men, but are clearly *irrelevant* for attraction. You (a generalized "you", obviously) won't trust him, but who cares - you're still attracted to him, and if he treats you well and cares about you without being a doormat, while also maintaining this insecurity, you'll retire together . The only way to keep a relationship healthy is to maintain the irrational attraction. Otherwise, you (a generalized "you", obviously), get with the guy that's "good on paper" and has all the "right" qualities, only to leave him for the next hard-to-tame mysterious dude. Look no further than the millions of post here of (mostly) decent guys whose women left them for no apparent reason whatsoever. The first step in being swept off your feet is in letting yourself do so. The chief reason you're mad is because you don't like the loss of sense of control. It's gona be OK! I'm all for trustworthy and friendship based relationships . But unless they are underpined by skillful, contingency maintenance of the "insanity", we're getting to the girl's "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech in no time. I have spoken .
Krytie TV Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I know this is probably far from helpful, SG, but I just really think you haven't gotten it out of your system yet. I think you want to want these wonderful qualities in men but I get the sense your heart really isn't into those things. Keep at it and you just have to let yourself reach a point when you officially become uninterested in the drama. It'll come, and hopefully before too long.
Trialbyfire Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 This is so true. Even if this guy came back pledging his undying devotion, I don't think I could ever fully trust him.You'll be on eggshells, wondering when the boom is going to fall again. This will prevent any deep and functional bonding, no matter how serious he becomes.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 You already know intellectually this guy isn't anything special and only getting under your skin because of his apparent lack of interest. That's half the battle. Some women will convince themselves they like a guy who's blowing them off for other reasons. Now all you have to do is let it sink in on an emotional level, at which point your interest in him will entirely die. Cutting all contact will speed up the process. He texted me yesterday, apologizing for being absent. I didn't bother responding. I'm not sure he'll put forth any more effort than that. I suggest you try to get to the bottom of why you find yourself drawn to guys who are less interested in you, because it seems like a pattern. Or maybe you already know why but your head and heart are at odds? I've questioned this a LOT over the years. One of my BFFs sat me down to talk to me about this a couple weeks ago. What she said made a LOT of sense. Prior to my most significant ex (who left me in the most hurtful way imaginable), I didn't have a problem with BF-selection. After that, it seemed like I was always ending up with unavailable men: long-distance, emotionally unavailable, already attached to someone, work-aholics, whatever. She thinks that - knowing how badly I was hurt before - that I subconsicously choose these unavailable men to protect myself. Sure, they each hurt me eventually - they breakup with me, they cheat, they disappear, whatever - but because they're unavailable, I'm never really able to get TOO close, therefore not making myself as vulnerable to earth-shattering hurt as I was with that ex. Kinda like, "Okay, yeah... I slept with him and he never called again. Yeah, that sucks, and hurts big time, but not NEARLY as bad as the ex did." It's easier to make myself vulnerable to the little-er hurts than the big hurt. The big hurt coming from a relationship that WAS healthy, that WAS with a good guy who was available to me, that I WAS vulnerable in. I'm still processing what she said.
Recommended Posts