Gremio Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Absense and silence, and secretive behavior, speaks for itself...does it not? Absolutely. A friendship I had with someone has permanently changed because they were being secretive. Both of us are men, and in just bs'ing I'd ask things like "how was your night, what did you do" and he would say he can't talk about it. This is a friend I had for about four years, so there was absolutely no reason to be so secretive. I doubt he realizes it, but I don't trust him anymore because of that period of secrecy.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Yeah, my perpetual crush is like this. He hooks me...lets me go....hooks me..I ignore him...he makes a big point of getting my attention back..... Write down the things about this guy that you really don't like. Not just the disappearing stuff, but anything. He wears pleated pants ? He holds his fork funny? He doesn't talk well about his mother? Whatever it is, focus on that. Whenever warm fuzzies start coming in, STOP, send them packing, and think about the cold pricklies. Another thing I do sometimes is imagine the one or two things they could do or say to me that would just turn me completely cold. For example, what if they said my dad wasn't funny or smart and he really didn't like him. Well I ADORE my dad and I would be really turned off if the guy I liked didn't like him. That's just one example. Or imagine that something really bad happens to you, and you need comforting. Then the guy is rude to you and turns you away at your most vulnerable. That turns me completely cold. So even if those things didn't actually happen, I imagine they do and it kind of turns off the furnace, if you know what I mean.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Have you learned how to handle rejection? What do you mean? Write down the things about this guy that you really don't like. Not just the disappearing stuff, but anything. He wears pleated pants ? He holds his fork funny? He doesn't talk well about his mother? Whatever it is, focus on that. Whenever warm fuzzies start coming in, STOP, send them packing, and think about the cold pricklies. Another thing I do sometimes is imagine the one or two things they could do or say to me that would just turn me completely cold. For example, what if they said my dad wasn't funny or smart and he really didn't like him. Well I ADORE my dad and I would be really turned off if the guy I liked didn't like him. That's just one example. Or imagine that something really bad happens to you, and you need comforting. Then the guy is rude to you and turns you away at your most vulnerable. That turns me completely cold. So even if those things didn't actually happen, I imagine they do and it kind of turns off the furnace, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I did all that last week. Made a list. Unfortunately, it wasn't very long...BUT it's impact was HUGE.
Yamaha Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I put two-and-two together and realized that either (1) he is in fact dating someone else and isn't interested in investing into a relationship with me anymore, (2) he's scared sh*tless, or (3) he's just not that into me... none of which are acceptable to me. This tells me you have a hard time if someone you like romantically doesn't feel the same way about you. You have to learn that you can't make someone love you and that is accepting rejection.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 This tells me you have a hard time if someone you like romantically doesn't feel the same way about you. You have to learn that you can't make someone love you and that is accepting rejection. It's never fun being really into someone and having them not return the feeling. It's even worst when they're kinda jerky about communicating their lack of interest. It's not like I asked someone out on a date and was turned down. We've been dating for four months. If feeling bummed and frustrated about this situation makes me "bad at handling rejection," so be it.
sunshinegirl Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It's never fun being really into someone and having them not return the feeling. It's even worst when they're kinda jerky about communicating their lack of interest. It's not like I asked someone out on a date and was turned down. We've been dating for four months. If feeling bummed and frustrated about this situation makes me "bad at handling rejection," so be it. How is this possible when in your original post you said he disappeared back in July? Whatever the case, he is making it very clear that he doesn't want to let you into his life. If I were you, I'd disappear, quick-like, never to return into his orbit. He sound icky.
zhsoj Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It is always the elusive playas who we like so much!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!? Men suck, I am gonna start lesbian lessons lol I vote that these lessons be videotaped and posted to the forum... For educational purposes.
nicki Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 The thing is, we have to move on when we feel like we want to be with someone. The feeling does not simply go away, and then we move on. Rather, we move on, and the feelings start to fade because there is no energy feeding them. What I do is erase their phone number and email, focus on the negative things about them, and call a friend whenever I feel the urge to call (or call back) the jerk. Sorry this happened. It would be nice to know the reason (closure and all,) but his actions really tell you all you need to know. You deserve better. Treat him like a bad habit you are getting over. Substitute something new. Date, date, date. Your feelings for him will fade....and, yes, I do think it's a bit of the old "wanting what I don't have." More than likely, you would have grown tired of his crap and broken up with him in a short time anyway.
Yamaha Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It's never fun being really into someone and having them not return the feeling. It's even worst when they're kinda jerky about communicating their lack of interest. It's not like I asked someone out on a date and was turned down. We've been dating for four months. If feeling bummed and frustrated about this situation makes me "bad at handling rejection," so be it. I agree. It isn't fun when you really like someone and they just don't return the feelings, even though you seem to get along like a house on fire. No one likes rejection but sometimes you just have to accept that he might like you but doesn't want a relationship with you. It's even harder when you have been dating and then they just don't want to take that next step. For me it's just learning to accept that they just don't feel it and it's their loss.
norajane Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 However, I don't think his recent behavior requires me to "read into" anything or "analyze." Absense and silence, and secretive behavior, speaks for itself...does it not? It most certainly does. That text exchange would be a total turn off for me.
You'reasian Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It is always the elusive playas who we like so much!!! I'm guessing the elusive playa was probably a former nice guy who got tired of being lonely and rejected or with indecisive women? Not sure though.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 How is this possible when in your original post you said he disappeared back in July? He did. And since the first week of August, it's now been four months.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 I agree. It isn't fun when you really like someone and they just don't return the feelings, even though you seem to get along like a house on fire. No one likes rejection but sometimes you just have to accept that he might like you but doesn't want a relationship with you. It's even harder when you have been dating and then they just don't want to take that next step. For me it's just learning to accept that they just don't feel it and it's their loss. If he could just SAY that he liked me but didn't want a relationship with me, I'd be okay with that. From that, I could really move on, as I KNOW that's what I want - period, end of story, no negotiation. But instead, I get the hot-and-cold. The "ooooh I like you!" followed quickly by the "who are you again?" What's so weird is that we really get along (like you said) like a "house on fire" when we're together. There's no sign that he's not interested, that he doesn't want to continue. It's in his absence that those signs become obvious. I can't help but think he's juggling so many women that he just doesn't feel the need to put effort into any of them. *shrug* It most certainly does. That text exchange would be a total turn off for me. Tell me more, tell me more! Tell me why! I need reinforcement.
norajane Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Tell me more, tell me more! Tell me why! I need reinforcement. He was rude to you, Star. Just plain rude. If it didn't "matter" where he went, then it shouldn't be a such a state secret, should it? I can't think of one legitimate reason he couldn't tell you where he went, but I can think of several not-so-legitimate ones. Unless he works for the CIA. And to reply the way he did was just rude. If he has such emotional issues that he felt he was being suffocated by attention () by you asking, then he could have phrased it much differently (I'm sorry, that's a personal matter for me) rather than the way he phrased it. He's been seeing you for 4 months and just dropped off the face of the earth after being rude to you. He doesn't respect you. And he's not trustworthy. He's not reliable. If I were in your shoes and he contacted me NOW, I'd be all, "you're a day late and dollar short, buddy. move along."
Lishy Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 You like him, and can't get him out of your head because you have not met anyone you like more than him! Keep dating and this flake will be just a distant memory!
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 He was rude to you, Star. Just plain rude. If it didn't "matter" where he went, then it shouldn't be a such a state secret, should it? I can't think of one legitimate reason he couldn't tell you where he went, but I can think of several not-so-legitimate ones. Unless he works for the CIA. And to reply the way he did was just rude. If he has such emotional issues that he felt he was being suffocated by attention () by you asking, then he could have phrased it much differently (I'm sorry, that's a personal matter for me) rather than the way he phrased it. He's been seeing you for 4 months and just dropped off the face of the earth after being rude to you. He doesn't respect you. And he's not trustworthy. He's not reliable. You're so very, very right, NJ. As usual. Sucks to realize it, but it's all true. You like him, and can't get him out of your head because you have not met anyone you like more than him! This is true as well. Thing is, with the ex that moved away, I felt the same way. I'd go out on dates and think, "Ugh, I don't like him as much as my ex." Eventually, I did meet someone who I liked as much, if not more: this twerp! So I know it will happen.......eventually.
madgun68 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 [snip]"Hey you, how was your weekend?" "It was good, tons of fun." "Awesome! Where'd ya go?" "Out of town." (Same response as before. He's always told me WHERE he was going and WHY before. I felt like he was hiding something.) "I know that, silly. But where? What's the big secret? ;)" "Not a secret. Just doesn't matter anymore now, does it?" Keep in mind we've been dating for four months at that point. Maybe it's just me, but the impression I get from this is that he doesn't feel the same way. Either he thinks it's over, or there's something wrong with his brain chemistry. It's that last line.. "doesn't matter anymore now" reads something akin to "no longer concerns you." In any case, I'd write the guy off. He's waving red flags and you deserve better treatment.
movingonandon Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 It is always the elusive playas who we like so much!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!? Men suck, I am gonna start lesbian lessons lol Thank you for your honesty . I liked the exclamation points and the question marks, and the caps, because they're the clearest evidence (and an admission) that there is no point in asking girls what qualities they like in a guy and then try to achieve that traits . The point being that, as evidenced by the OP's ordeal none of that matters . She's still hooked, no matter how irrational this seems, even after blatant rudeness from guy in question. I've learned my lesson (not to pay any attention to what a woman *says* she wants) a long time ago , not out of disrespect, but based on repeated evidence that as long as a girl *feels* certain way, no amount of rational evidence against said feeling stands the slimmest chance whatsoever . Her emotions will wipe it clean, or use it as a fuel to the fire . Ladies, I love you all !
likestolaugh Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 He did. And since the first week of August, it's now been four months. I'm confused (and interested considering I'm in a sort of similar situation but a couple less months)... how have you been dating if you don't see the guy?
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 I'm confused (and interested considering I'm in a sort of similar situation but a couple less months)... how have you been dating if you don't see the guy? I guess I wasn't clear. I had been seeing him until he recently disappeared.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Either he thinks it's over, or there's something wrong with his brain chemistry. It's that last line.. "doesn't matter anymore now" reads something akin to "no longer concerns you." In any case, I'd write the guy off. He's waving red flags and you deserve better treatment. That's how I took it as well. Precisely.
2sunny Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 my guy friend often disappears when he's in a funk and doesn't want anyone bugging him. but he still doesn't know how to get out of his cave he put himself into until he's good and ready to come out. as much as he's admitted to wanting his friends to pull him out of it - he never gives us the heads up that this is going on. i just figured he was MIA or had started dating someone new. not necessarily the case. he only disclosed this to me a few weeks ago when we were discussing something else. i do this too... i call it hibernating. some people call it solitude, which is different than isolation. the solitude has some productivity involved...
Author Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 2sunny - I wish I could say that his silence and rudeness are a signal that he's gone into a "cave" and not a sign that he's completely lost interest, but unfortunately I just don't think that's the case here. He's over it, so I will be too. *shrug*
Lishy Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Delete the boys number Star and dont answer any texts or calls from him. When this happened to me (3 years ago) with Mr Drive by (do you remember?), I did that and to this day the guy keeps trying to get me to go out with him - It seems that when I stepped back he stepped forward! Too damn late buddy boy! Uh Uh .. No way, he hurt me so badly and never will he get the chance again!! The worst thing is that it is so easy for people to say "why do you care?" "why worry about a fool like that?" but when you are feeling the emotion and cant get em out of your head it is awful!! Keep thinking of the bad qualities and also realise that he will be doing this to others too!!
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