Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 This is partially a rant , but any wise words would be GREATLY appreciated. You know how some people just manage to get under your skin and it feels impossible to get them out? Well, that's where I am right now, and it's driving me insane! The guy I was dating since July... the one who I was anxious about him seeing other people... Well, after I posted that thread, he basically told me he wasn't looking to date anyone else. Great, right? I was seconds away from doing cartwheels, but then the VERY NEXT DAY he basically completely DISAPPEARED on me. I put two-and-two together and realized that either (1) he is in fact dating someone else and isn't interested in investing into a relationship with me anymore, (2) he's scared sh*tless, or (3) he's just not that into me... none of which are acceptable to me. I can't deal with the constant anxiety, the wondering, the doubts, the pacing back and forth wondering if he's gonna flake or show up... it was driving me nutty!!! So I made a conscious decision to move on, and went out on a couple dates with other guys. Other guys who are awesome people and would have the potential to give me fantastic butterflies if not for this other guy who's still stuck under my ever loving skin! We didn't even have sex for crying out loud, but I'm stuck on him. I want HIM. Mr. Unreliable. Mr. Non-Committal. Mr. Jerkface. Mr. Insensitive. I know the qualities I'm looking for. I know he does not possess them - at least when it comes to me, anyway. So why can't I just do a proverbial "eff you!" and walk? WTF is my problem?!?!
2sunny Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 why don't you? you can just tell him no more... do you ever have any contact with him at this point? it's highly possible that you just didn't see enough of the bad things about him so now you have this fantasy memory of the ideal him. it's the idealized version of him that you still want. this is not who he really is. if it allows you to let him go - then think of that every time you think he was great. maybe give the new guys more of a chance with an open mind, at least until they seem more interesting than they are now.
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 He's the ultimate challenge to you. This says it all: (1) he is in fact dating someone else and isn't interested in investing into a relationship with me anymore, (2) he's scared sh*tless, or (3) he's just not that into me... none of which are acceptable to me. He's set his hook into you bad. Each time he sets the hook, he releases you, then hooks you harder.
Gremio Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 What did he do to you to make you feel this way? Honestly, what I do in a situation like this, and with most things in my life, is think "out of body" as if I was a third person, and look at it without my feelings. e.g. if he's treating me like crap, obviously I wouldn't want someone like that.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Oh, Sunny... How I wish I could just tell him "no more," but there are two problems with that. First, he's NOT contacting me. So unfortunately, for me to call/text/email/whatever him and say, "Oh, just so you know, I'm over this and over your B.S...." would be mighty presumptuous. I'm fairly certain he doesn't give a rat's ass about me, so telling him that would make him think I am a looney toon. Second, if he WERE to contact me, I'd still see him! I want to! Argh! I SO enjoy his company when we're together - I literally have THE BEST time when we spend time together. It's the time apart that drives me nuts - the not-calling, seeing him flirting with other girls on the stupid networking sites, having him drag out this "relationship" until it's so scraped up that there's nothing left... THAT's what I can't handle.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 What did he do to you to make you feel this way? Honestly, what I do in a situation like this, and with most things in my life, is think "out of body" as if I was a third person, and look at it without my feelings. e.g. if he's treating me like crap, obviously I wouldn't want someone like that. What did he do? Nada. It's what he DIDN'T do. He didn't follow through. He didn't contact me. He didn't express continued interest. He didn't remain present in my life. Instead, he disappeared. Not even slowly - just POOF! Gone. I must say, he really hasn't treated me like crap, but he's definitely not shown the level of interest that I want or deserve. For the life of me, I cannot understand why he has his "hook" in me like TBF said. Honestly, if we had slept together, I'd just chalk it up to "catching feelings," like I always do if I sleep with someone. But that didn't happen here. Perhaps I like him so much because I RESPECT him so much more because he wouldn't sleep with me, claiming he didn't want to rush things? Is that possible?? Someone privately told me that he "heard" me when I told him sex would "mean" something... Which makes him much more of a stand-up guy for not "going after it" when I basically put it on a silver platter. He's given me nothing more than vague promises to hold on to... and yet, here I am... a'holdin' on. ARGH!
Isolde Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Meh, you say you have other prospects that are close to giving you butterflies. I can't say I feel much sympathy for you. Others on LS are in much more dire straits.
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Star, you can't play a guy like this because you care too much!
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Star, you can't play a guy like this because you care too much! Am I trying to play him without my knowledge? And yes... I care too much. HELP ME stop caring!!!
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Am I trying to play him without my knowledge? And yes... I care too much. HELP ME stop caring!!! You know damn well you are girlfriend! PM sent.
movingonandon Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 This guy sounds like he has mastered the ultimate in all seduction skills, a Beyond Playa . I'm not sure what is he doing to you, but whatever it is please ask him to share it with the rest of the worls because apparently this stuff is more potent than a chocolate. I want to know what is it so I could be more evil . The point being that per your own confession you are not actually attracted to any conventional characteristics of this guy (i.e. qualities). But, something in the way he behaves makes you meaowww. So you could eitner keep "enjoying" the ride, or take responsibility for your own feelings and be done with the whole thing for goof . The problem is that you continue to enjoy it. A perpetual pre-orgasmic plateau, if you will
sunshinegirl Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Wanting what you can't have isn't all that unusual... Perhaps his disappearing act has triggered some of your own commitment/intimacy fears? (i.e. he's safe to want because he doesn't want you...)
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Wanting what you can't have isn't all that unusual... Perhaps his disappearing act has triggered some of your own commitment/intimacy fears? (i.e. he's safe to want because he doesn't want you...) Perhaps it has something to do with my fears of abandonment. He can't leave me if he's never with me to begin with... ?
shadowplay Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Is there anything in particular about him that you feel is unique or you'll have trouble finding elsewhere? If not, then it's just a case of wanting what you can't have. Also if you're following his myspace/facebook that probably doesn't help as it's a constant reminder. Personally I find it really disconcerting when somebody disappears without explanation. When was the last time he contacted you?
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Is there anything in particular about him that you feel is unique or you'll have trouble finding elsewhere? Not really. He has qualities I really, really like. And a few (such as disappearing/withdrawing) that I really, really hate. Also if you're following his myspace/facebook that probably doesn't help as it's a constant reminder. Personally I find it really disconcerting when somebody disappears without explanation. Yes, FB and MS doesn't help. Funny thing is, before the advent of those sites, I'd probably worry he was dead or something... that's how much of a 180 he pulls with me. When was the last time he contacted you? He responded to a text LAST Monday. I had inquired about his weekend (if it was a good one, what he did, etc.), and he basically came back and said it didn't matter what he did. I took that to mean he's either hiding something (someONE, really) or wants me out of his life. Ugh. Talking about this makes me ill, but also helps open my effing eyes.
likestolaugh Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 how did he word that response? because yikes... that's a bit of a rude response... whether or not you're interested in the person or not...
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 I was hesitant to post in detail, but I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. He had told me the previous week that he was going out of town. When I asked where he was going, he wouldn't respond. The following Monday, this was our exchange: "Hey you, how was your weekend?" "It was good, tons of fun." "Awesome! Where'd ya go?" "Out of town." (Same response as before. He's always told me WHERE he was going and WHY before. I felt like he was hiding something.) "I know that, silly. But where? What's the big secret? ;)" "Not a secret. Just doesn't matter anymore now, does it?" Keep in mind we've been dating for four months at that point. He repeatedly tells me that I read into things too much, and misconstrue things. However, I don't think his recent behavior requires me to "read into" anything or "analyze." Absense and silence, and secretive behavior, speaks for itself...does it not?
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I would take that response as meaning "back off, you're crowding me".
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 I would take that response as meaning "back off, you're crowding me". Really? Well, that's an improvement. I took it to mean, "I don't want you to know." (For whatever reason, although all of them in context mean "I don't want you in my life.") I sent him (and about 30 other people) a nice Happy Thanksgiving text message. I received 30 responses. Guess who was the only one to not respond?
likestolaugh Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Really? Well, that's an improvement. I took it to mean, "I don't want you to know." (For whatever reason, although all of them in context mean "I don't want you in my life.") I sent him (and about 30 other people) a nice Happy Thanksgiving text message. I received 30 responses. Guess who was the only one to not respond? I sent this girl I've been kinda dating for a month and a half a happy halloween text on that date... it was personalized and all... she never responded. But, it seems that it didn't mean anything... as at that point, she still wanted to see me. so perhaps it means nothing... it IS annoying, I must admit.
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Really? Well, that's an improvement. I took it to mean, "I don't want you to know." (For whatever reason, although all of them in context mean "I don't want you in my life.") I sent him (and about 30 other people) a nice Happy Thanksgiving text message. I received 30 responses. Guess who was the only one to not respond? Based on what you've posted on this board, he's a runner. You can't pursue a runner. The minute he feels his independence is being threatened, the more he's going to withdraw. He's the type that always needs to feel in complete control of the situation or he will run again. You know I've asked you this many times. Why do you want this guy? He might make a decent acquaintance level friend but it will either feel like you're walking on eggshells or always gaming him to stay, in a romantic relationship.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 You know I've asked you this many times. Why do you want this guy? He might make a decent acquaintance level friend but it will either feel like you're walking on eggshells or always gaming him to stay, in a romantic relationship. I don't know why I want him, but today I'm really becoming more and more convinced that I simply don't. You're absolutely right that I either feel like I'm walking on eggshells or gaming (more so the former). It sucks a$$. It's not fun. He wants it all to be light and fun and airy... which I do too. But not at the expense of real substance, a real relationship. Grr.
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 But not at the expense of real substance, a real relationship. This would make a helluva' good mantra. Keep telling yourself this because it's bang on!
Author Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 This would make a helluva' good mantra. Keep telling yourself this because it's bang on! Do you know how many times I have repeated what you told me to via PM? Thousands! I'm just gonna add this to the string...
Lishy Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It is always the elusive playas who we like so much!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!? Men suck, I am gonna start lesbian lessons lol
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