harold Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 because I have never been able to have one! And now I know why. I feel ashamed to tell anyone because I am 68 years old and only last year discovered that I had been emotionally "abused" with overtones of sex mixed in. In the back of my mind I have always acknowledged that my childhood was not pretty -- but abused? PTSD? I have always been a little peculiar mostly I think from chronic depression. A couple of years ago I went into a personal crisis when I "fell in love" (feeling for the first time) -- what a ridiculous situation because she was 19 at the time so I had, you might say, a crisis and unbearable soul searching. I began to talk with a therapist -- otherwise there was suicide. I can't believe it: I have lived alone for 50 years, no friends, had to become a not-so-much rugged individualist -- only me to rely on. I feel sorry for myself all the time now. I can't feel close to anyone. There is nothing I can do to change; still don't have friends and here I am close to the natural end of my life. Perhaps this story is more appropriate for a personality defect forum now that I know that loveshack is to help people who have some-kind of relations with others.
CandyGirlXO Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Maybe put this in the coping section, there seems to be A LOT of people on here that are going through similar things as you are with being lonely and friendless. Maybe try getting involved with a church.
Ronni_W Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Welcome to LoveShack, Harold. To me, the most important relationship that I have is with my Self, and it sounds as if you have developed a strong relationship with 'You' -- whether that was out of necessity is not the point of my point . My point is that you certainly do belong in any one of the 'relationship' forums here at LS. It is NEVER too late to change your own thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. I know a 72 y/o woman who chose to go back into therapy about 5 months ago. Same lady changed her profession at age 65...after she'd been retired for 3 years. You are right, though, if you meant that you can't change the past but, no matter your age, you do still have the choice as to whether or not you will let the past define who you are today. You are only bound by it if you say that you are...that is your declaration to make. Or you can choose and declare something different for the rest of your natural days. You made certain and specific choices in your adult life of which you may now be disapproving, and the consequences of which you may not like. As for us all, some of those may have felt as if they were out of your control but that is not the case, in reality. They may have come from unconscious or subconscious needs, desires and fears but they were, nevertheless, from within yourself. And you are the only one who has ever had control and authority over that. I am very sorry for your childhood experiences and for the harm it caused you. I have empathy for you, but not pity. To me, pity is a feeling of me being "better than" you in the sense that your suffering is worse than mine. Self-pity is no different, except in reverse -- me thinking that you are better than me because my suffering is worse. Human pain is just human pain...there is none worse or better than another. We are all in this thing together. I am like you and you are like me. Besides, self-pity just keeps one in a depressed emotional state, in any case. So...moving out of self-pity, you can choose to work towards greater understanding, compassion and forgiveness...for self and others I trust (or hope, I guess) that you are still seeing a therapist. If not, I'd encourage that as a first step. Second step, post back in this or any other forum that feels like the "right" one -- you have the right to determine for yourself where you belong! Sending Love and Light.
Annie Fo Fannie Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Hi Harold Wow, sounds like you have sure been through a lot of soul searching. I think gaining insight into one's life and life situation can be a very painful process. Perhaps you are just now ready for some REAL change in your life, which necessitates looking at some very painful and real things that happened to you? Do not despair. You did whatever was necessary to survive your traumatic childhood. Many children do in fact become 'rugged individualists' when they have been hurt, either physicially, psychologically, emotionally, etc. You did what you had to do. What a tough little boy you must have had to become. Now in your later adult years, you would like to experience MORE of life. That is a wonderful thing. Continue to reach out to people and try to connect, as best you can. And i agree that doing some kind of volunteer work or church-related activities may help you meet people who are kind and giving. Sounds like that those are the types who cuold most help you. HUGS, Harold, and never give up!
Geishawhelk Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 .....Continue to reach out to people and try to connect, as best you can. ......doing some kind of volunteer work or church-related activities may help you meet people who are kind and giving. Sounds like that those are the types who cuold most help you...... Harold, have you any idea how strong, useful and valuable your life-experiences are to so many people still in the depths of unknowing despair? The marvellous thing is, you seem to have a handle on what troubles you.... Do you have any clue how wonderful you would be for others to turn to as an example of how tough life can be, but how you can survive it and live it? Not only would you benefit form doing voluntary work, but you yourself might be able to find a vocation as a listener..... someone who can offer strength and support to others. Way to go, Harold!
annieo Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Harold, you've made an excellent first step posting here. While I wouldn't consider the other posters on LS my friends exactly, I do feel strangely familiar with some of them. And grateful for the wisdom and insights. Are there any community centers in your area? My mother is a member at a center for seniors, and despite my her initial horror at being old enough to go, she eventually made a few friends (she has a tendency to be a bit of a homebody). Plus, it's a place to go, get out of the house, and participate in some group activities (bridge, badminton, tai chi classes) that give her a chance to socialize a little. I get the impression that you really want to make a change. That is the most important part. Don't let any worries you have about the past get in your way. Good luck!
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