KATANYA Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Just wondering if any OW on here can share any stories about how MM reacted when they thought you were becoming involved or were involved with men other then them. I don't mean your husbands but rather men you may have started to date or who you were close to that MM felt threatened by. I had the most interesting experience where MM found out that I was seeing another man (ironically he found out via his wife who saw us together at dinner a few days ago), and absolutely LOST IT! Has been a complete mess for 2 days...he goes from calling himself a hypocrite and saying it doesnt matter to being angry to being hurt..... I, of course, did what MMs do all the time - I denied it and said he was insane to be behaving this way and this was really not his business (because it is not and I don't have to answer to him for this). This just makes it worse..he needs details, wants answers about emails I've received, etc. It is very odd behavior particularly given that we have been for the last year more friends than anything...but his words tonite were "I love you with all my heart and I cannot stand the thought of losing you. You are my world. I hope you do find someone someday even though it will kill me....I want you to be happy but I cant help it I love you so much." Of course the romantic in me wants to rush to him and say "finally" but the realist says "mmmm, cant do that cause his wife would kinda wonder wtf I'm doing in their living room hugging her husband!". Looking for other experiences with this. K.
Adunaphel Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 MM and I are basically acting like we are in an exclusive relationship. He would not be happy (this is an understatement) if I were to date someone else; expecially if it was behind his back. I am fine with this. He is jealous (average jealousy) of my male friendships as I am jealous of his female friendships. This is only because so far I have believed all he has been teling me, included the fact that his W and he do not make love, do not kiss, had a relationship talk a few months ago and went to see an attorney three weeks ago. If I found out there is still intimacy between his W and him, I would certainly break up with him. If I were (hypothetically)to continue the relationship anyway, I would feel free to date anyone I wish, to get to know better anyone I wish, to dump him for getting together with someone else without a secon thought.
OpenBook Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 The only gift I ever received from my MM was right after I took a call from an old BF while MM was there. He knew, he asked me about it, I was vague. And voila! he bought me a gift, told me he'd been thinking about me, and opened up emotionally to me more than any other time during that ill-fated affair. In short, their thinking about you is whacked. The same rules that apply to them, don't apply to you (in their minds). And when reality turns their screwed-up presumptions upside-down, it rocks their world. It's comical to watch.
OWoman Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Just wondering if any OW on here can share any stories about how MM reacted when they thought you were becoming involved or were involved with men other then them. I don't mean your husbands but rather men you may have started to date or who you were close to that MM felt threatened by. I had the most interesting experience where MM found out that I was seeing another man (ironically he found out via his wife who saw us together at dinner a few days ago), and absolutely LOST IT! Has been a complete mess for 2 days...he goes from calling himself a hypocrite and saying it doesnt matter to being angry to being hurt..... I, of course, did what MMs do all the time - I denied it and said he was insane to be behaving this way and this was really not his business (because it is not and I don't have to answer to him for this). This just makes it worse..he needs details, wants answers about emails I've received, etc. It is very odd behavior particularly given that we have been for the last year more friends than anything...but his words tonite were "I love you with all my heart and I cannot stand the thought of losing you. You are my world. I hope you do find someone someday even though it will kill me....I want you to be happy but I cant help it I love you so much." Of course the romantic in me wants to rush to him and say "finally" but the realist says "mmmm, cant do that cause his wife would kinda wonder wtf I'm doing in their living room hugging her husband!". Looking for other experiences with this. K. Mine is the exact reverse - I had other MMs when I started with MM, and he knew it. They all did - it was part of the upfront agreement that we were not exclusive. But then we went and grew feelings, and I dumped all the others (He'd been exclusive with me all along, though I hadn't known or expected this at the outset) and we became exclusive, and fell in lurve, and all the romantic "can't live without you" stuff has followed and now we're together playing happy families. It's so cloyingly sweet, if it were anyone else I'd
Lizzie60 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 All my MMs know I can see other men.. The nerve.. if they would tell me they want exclusivity... I find it soooooo stupid when a MM expects exclusivity from his OW (especially when she's single) when he, himself, chooses to remain married.. the nerve!!!!
Adunaphel Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I find it soooooo stupid when a MM expects exclusivity from his OW (especially when she's single) when he, himself, chooses to remain married.. the nerve!!!! I agree that it is very unfair, but I am under the impression that many OW find it acceptable because they can't deal with the idea of him seeing OOW.
OWoman Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I agree that it is very unfair, but I am under the impression that many OW find it acceptable because they can't deal with the idea of him seeing OOW. I suppose the W is regarded as a structural constraint rather than a romantic liaison, and is a pre-existing factor, whereas any partners the OW chooses to take up with are subsequent and in addition to the MM, ie some kind of comment that he's not enough for them (same way as his taking up with the OW signalled an insufficiency with his W) which he sees as a diss. And, reciprocally, were he to take up with an OOW, the OW would read that as him feeling she's not enough for him - whereas the Wis already discounted as a threat, since she was never enough for the MM at the outset? I think it's the shift, to engage new additional liaisons that is the issue, rather than the number of (known) pre-existing ones, IMO anyway.
frannie Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I completely agree with OW's analysis. It's also why I believe that MM who have affairs with married OW don't get worked up about the OW's H, or at any rate not as worked up as about any other man who comes later to the dynamic. In both cases (the MM taking an OOW, and the single OW taking an additional lover to the MM), it's the fact that its someone being added in later that matters... as OWoman said, it gives the impression that 'I wasn't enough'.
wildsoul Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 OWoman, I think you made a great analysis. Yes, she explained it perfectly.
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