iwanttolive Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Please bear with me... My ex left me with a deep scar. He was such a sweet and thoughtful guy in the first month of our relationship. But he became increasingly unreasonable in the months ahead. I was half asleep when he asked me a question. So I kinda gave him a delirious nonsensical answer. I could not even remember what I said to him. All I remember was him raising his voice at me the very next moment saying how frustrating I was. When I explained to him that I was half-conscious, he said "Are u always so defensive??? Why can't you just give in??" On another occasion, he asked me if I was hungry and I said no. He got mad at me because I stopped at "No, I'm not hungry" and did not ask if he was hungry. Yes, perhaps I wasn't thoughtful enough, but I thought he over-reacted. One day, at the end of a church service, I rushed out of the church gate after service to avoid the crowd. He did not keep up with me. So I slowed down a lil to let him catch up, but he was walking real slowly. When I saw the crowd catching up, I walked faster, but he continued his slow stroll with a pissed look on his face. When I asked why was he walking so slowly when he normally walked real fast, he retorted harshly "I'm tired! Why are u walking so fast!" He refused to hear any explanation from me. My uncle from another city was looking for a condominium in my city. As I aspired to be a part-time real estate broker, I decided to help him look for one. I found a condominium unit that was within his budget and of freehold tenure as requested by him. I even printed the city map and the subway/tube map so he could have a feel of the condominium location. I also printed recent sales transactions of condo units in the area. I excitedly shared with my ex (then-boyfriend) of the potential deal. Instead of encouraging me, he made me feel real stupid. He asked me if I have checked out the age and picture of the condominium. When I said no, he said he could produce 100 condominium units that would fit my uncle's requirement. He said I was wasting my uncle's time by arranging for house viewing without checking these details! Yes, I admit it was my oversight being inexperienced, but he could at least be supportive instead of discouraging. When I told him I was upset, he said checking out those details are basic common sense and being inexperience was no excuse! All the time I felt like everything was my mistake and I blamed myself for his frustration. I tried too hard to not make mistake n to be on my toe all the time. I felt like I was walking on eggshell with him. The harder I tried, the more mistakes I made because I was so nervous such that my thoughts were messed up. In the end, he broke up with me saying we had no chemistry. That was 5 months ago. I'm in a relationship with a great n loving guy for 1 month now. Yet I found my ex's words haunting me. I feel i'm stupid and i'm unable to relax and enjoy the relationship. I'm waiting for my current bf to lose his cool at me saying i don't have common sense. I keep telling myself that these are irrational thoughts but my ex's words keep flashing in my mind. I hope to see some lights here...
Gremio Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Everyone is different. Don't let your past ruin your future. Learn from your mistakes. If you're not sure what they were, just let go and move on.
Habibti Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I know what you're going through. I have moved on and met someone wonderful but I still have a piece of the past with me. It isn't that I pine for my ex, miss him, or want him back; it's that the abuse I suffered is still there. Emotional abuse is very real and very damaging, but people don't take it seriously because the cuts, bruises, and eventually scars it leaves aren't seen by the naked eye. However, they are very evident to our close friends and ourselves when we notice ourself responding differently than we normally would before we were abused. The worst part of any kind of abuse is it doesn't just cause you to be mistrusting of others, it causes you to be mistrustful of yourself. You're always on edge wondering if you made a correct choice with your current partner or if you "screwed up" again. You want to control everything so it doesn't become out of control. The reality is, there's never any way to know if you're daitng an abuser off the bat. Often times the abuse doesn't show up until months into the relationship. Then the demeaning, the controlling, and the disorientating begins. It's really damaging and leaves you feeling angry and outraged when the relationship is over and you see things for what they are. Also you never can, will, or should control everything; that isn't healthy. I'd reccomend personal therapy, that's what I'm going through. You'll have a mediator to help you work through everything.
MexicanBillBacker Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Please bear with me... My ex left me with a deep scar. He was such a sweet and thoughtful guy in the first month of our relationship. But he became increasingly unreasonable in the months ahead. I was half asleep when he asked me a question. So I kinda gave him a delirious nonsensical answer. I could not even remember what I said to him. All I remember was him raising his voice at me the very next moment saying how frustrating I was. When I explained to him that I was half-conscious, he said "Are u always so defensive??? Why can't you just give in??" On another occasion, he asked me if I was hungry and I said no. He got mad at me because I stopped at "No, I'm not hungry" and did not ask if he was hungry. Yes, perhaps I wasn't thoughtful enough, but I thought he over-reacted. One day, at the end of a church service, I rushed out of the church gate after service to avoid the crowd. He did not keep up with me. So I slowed down a lil to let him catch up, but he was walking real slowly. When I saw the crowd catching up, I walked faster, but he continued his slow stroll with a pissed look on his face. When I asked why was he walking so slowly when he normally walked real fast, he retorted harshly "I'm tired! Why are u walking so fast!" He refused to hear any explanation from me. My uncle from another city was looking for a condominium in my city. As I aspired to be a part-time real estate broker, I decided to help him look for one. I found a condominium unit that was within his budget and of freehold tenure as requested by him. I even printed the city map and the subway/tube map so he could have a feel of the condominium location. I also printed recent sales transactions of condo units in the area. I excitedly shared with my ex (then-boyfriend) of the potential deal. Instead of encouraging me, he made me feel real stupid. He asked me if I have checked out the age and picture of the condominium. When I said no, he said he could produce 100 condominium units that would fit my uncle's requirement. He said I was wasting my uncle's time by arranging for house viewing without checking these details! Yes, I admit it was my oversight being inexperienced, but he could at least be supportive instead of discouraging. When I told him I was upset, he said checking out those details are basic common sense and being inexperience was no excuse! All the time I felt like everything was my mistake and I blamed myself for his frustration. I tried too hard to not make mistake n to be on my toe all the time. I felt like I was walking on eggshell with him. The harder I tried, the more mistakes I made because I was so nervous such that my thoughts were messed up. In the end, he broke up with me saying we had no chemistry. That was 5 months ago. I'm in a relationship with a great n loving guy for 1 month now. Yet I found my ex's words haunting me. I feel i'm stupid and i'm unable to relax and enjoy the relationship. I'm waiting for my current bf to lose his cool at me saying i don't have common sense. I keep telling myself that these are irrational thoughts but my ex's words keep flashing in my mind. I hope to see some lights here... Sounds like your ex boyfriend suffers of a extreme case of *******itis
xpaperxcutx Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I'm glad to hear you got out of your relationship with your ex because he has all the signs of an abuser. Sometimes it's very hard to let go of the past, because their every words and actions leaves an impression on you that is very hard to let go off. But you should be proud of yourself that you managed to find someone that's willing to respect you. What you can do is try to find support through the local papers or the internet, or see a therapist about your issues. Sometimes talking to someone about your ordeal can be very therapeutic.
Perry Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 You should try this old method: Write down all the negative things about him, and then repeat it back to yourself several times a day. Then keep telling yourself that you are better off without him. Affirmations can help greatly.
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