flyonthewall Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I really need to end this with MM. Although he makes me happier than any man I have ever been with I just can't stop feeling like I want to run away from him. I told him off yesterday and he could barely get a word in because I was on a rampage. I know he is upset but I can't stop. It always happens when its that time of the month. My friend says she knows I will be fine next week. I have decided to try not to have any contact with him but just the thought of it makes me start crying. I have known him a long time and he has always made me feel really good about myself. He has changed my life in a positive way (more than I can ever say) but I sit here and say why him? Why can't there be someone else that can bring me the joy that he does? I know I know someone will say there is someone else out there for me but the truth is there isn't. I hate to think that if I end things with him I will just end up settling for something less. I dont' know if I am just a very impatient person or that I am scared of being with him and actually being continuously happy.
wildsoul Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I detect some confusing ways you're second-guessing yourself. For example: I dont' know if I am just a very impatient person You might be impatient, but also remember that this situation is different. You're not waiting for him to get done w/ college, or come home from a trip out of the country. As an OW, you're waiting for him to end his marriage/relationship with someone else. That adds a different level of risk besides lost time (which is what impatience is about.) Here, you stand to lose time AND also might lose the R, too. or that I am scared of being with him and actually being continuously happy Eh. Let's cross that bridge when we get to it. Right now, you're NOT continuously happy. Very very few people are happy being in an A(ffair) and waiting for their mate to be free to fully commit. Just deal with what's on your plate now, noticing how happy or unhappy you are and sorting it through. Also, if you really think you have an issue with sabotaging your own happiness, you might instead look at how you rationalized getting into the potentially frustrating/painful situation of an A. That's a choice you've already made and is easier to analyse than wondering if your desire to break up with him is a fear of the continual happiness in your future w/ him. Make sense? Welcome to the board. You're totally in the right place. There's lots of us working thru this issues here. It's an invaluable resource. Better than exhausting your friends too!
OWoman Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I really need to end this with MM. Although he makes me happier than any man I have ever been with I just can't stop feeling like I want to run away from him. I told him off yesterday and he could barely get a word in because I was on a rampage. I know he is upset but I can't stop. It always happens when its that time of the month. My friend says she knows I will be fine next week. I have decided to try not to have any contact with him but just the thought of it makes me start crying. I have known him a long time and he has always made me feel really good about myself. He has changed my life in a positive way (more than I can ever say) but I sit here and say why him? Why can't there be someone else that can bring me the joy that he does? I know I know someone will say there is someone else out there for me but the truth is there isn't. I hate to think that if I end things with him I will just end up settling for something less. I dont' know if I am just a very impatient person or that I am scared of being with him and actually being continuously happy. Fly - I can relate to a lot of what you say because my hormones make me push those I love best - including MM - away when I'm premenstrual, too. That said, what is it you want with him? An A, while he remains in his M indefinitely? Are you happy to be a part-time feature in his life, and to be his OW? Or do you want something full-time with him, possibly something full-time and permanent, but you'll settle for the A in the meantime? What you want, and how likely you are to land up with it, will determine what you OUGHT to do - though of course that might not be the same as what you WANT to do, or what you end up doing. But it's a good place to start. Are you hoping he will leave his W for you, or is that your worst nightmare and you'd rather just see him when it suits?
Author flyonthewall Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 I detect some confusing ways you're second-guessing yourself. For example: You might be impatient, but also remember that this situation is different. You're not waiting for him to get done w/ college, or come home from a trip out of the country. As an OW, you're waiting for him to end his marriage/relationship with someone else. That adds a different level of risk besides lost time (which is what impatience is about.) Here, you stand to lose time AND also might lose the R, too. Eh. Let's cross that bridge when we get to it. Right now, you're NOT continuously happy. Very very few people are happy being in an A(ffair) and waiting for their mate to be free to fully commit. Just deal with what's on your plate now, noticing how happy or unhappy you are and sorting it through. Also, if you really think you have an issue with sabotaging your own happiness, you might instead look at how you rationalized getting into the potentially frustrating/painful situation of an A. That's a choice you've already made and is easier to analyse than wondering if your desire to break up with him is a fear of the continual happiness in your future w/ him. Make sense? Welcome to the board. You're totally in the right place. There's lots of us working thru this issues here. It's an invaluable resource. Better than exhausting your friends too! I am not sure if impatient is the right word to use because I don't really say anything about him leaving her and being with me. Its mostly him that talks about leaving and I sort of brush it off. Its not because I don't want to be with him, I am just afraid of how its all going to go down. He says I analyze things too much and its true. I am scared of being happy, why I just don't know. I know we both make each other very happy but it just seems like every month I go through this and its just getting worse, especially since its that time of the year. I have to say I have been on here before and to be honest its when I read others stories it sends me off on a rampage on him. I tell him he is just like every other guy blah blah blah when the truth is, he isn't. He tells me to go ahead and put him in the same category as every other mm but the day will come when he will prove me wrong which is supposedly this coming year. I am just tired of all of it.
Author flyonthewall Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Fly - I can relate to a lot of what you say because my hormones make me push those I love best - including MM - away when I'm premenstrual, too. That said, what is it you want with him? An A, while he remains in his M indefinitely? Are you happy to be a part-time feature in his life, and to be his OW? Or do you want something full-time with him, possibly something full-time and permanent, but you'll settle for the A in the meantime? What you want, and how likely you are to land up with it, will determine what you OUGHT to do - though of course that might not be the same as what you WANT to do, or what you end up doing. But it's a good place to start. Are you hoping he will leave his W for you, or is that your worst nightmare and you'd rather just see him when it suits? I hate being a woman sometimes!!! He knows my schedule so is he is somewhat prepared for this. I just hate the fact that if I was in a normal relationship with him I would not be crazy like this. ugh I am not happy that I am the other woman in his life although for the most part I am ok with it, if that makes sense. I remember someone telling me a few years ago before I was 30 that if you are not in a commited relationship with someone in your 30's its very hard to give up your independence. I think there is some truth to that so I guess I am afraid to be in full time relationship although if it was with him I would want that. I am so confused all the time. I don't feel as though I am a part time feature in his life. We share a lot with each other. He has never trashed talked his wife to me but he just doesn't have the connection he has with me with her and he never really did. I am not hoping that he leaves, the thought never even crossed my mind until he brought it up months ago. I told him I don't know what the future holds for him and I. If I meet someone else that fits my criteria (which is basically everything he is minus the married part) then I am going to give them a chance. He knows that will never happen. In all honesty I'd rather meet someone new.
frannie Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I just wanted to say hello and welcome to the forum. You sound so down and confused. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, and yeah I've been told I think too much too . I can think myself right round 360 degrees in... oh, 15 minutes I think I've got it down to . How long have you been in the affair? Is it possible you could set yourself a time-limit on how much longer to be seeing him? Or has he made himself a deadline to leave or what? I would also say yeah, you can say that PMS makes you more likely to rant, but those feelings you have are real. You're in a very poor situation, and you're going to feel down. What I would do is rather than discounting your negative feelings entirely, just look after yourself a little more at those times and try not to obsess so much about what it all means. Or you'll drive yourself crazy, like I have Would you say you're the kind of person who says to themselves: I should or shouldn't be feeling this, or I need to be thinking this way, or that way? I do it all the time and it's really self-defeating. You are allowed to think and feel exactly what you're thinking and feeling Apologies if that doesn't apply, it just seemed to come through from your posts.
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