Is infidelity the worst betrayal?

[mellowyellow]

I have read many of your posts, looking for answers to my own situation. Instead, I am left with more questions.

 

It seems as if so many of you are saying that an affair is the ultimate betrayal and NOTHING justifies the cheating spouse’s behavior. I haven't read that any of you are accepting responsibility for your actions that may have driven your spouse to look outside his/her marriage. When one gets married, he/she vow to love, comfort, and honor and cherish each other (along with forsaking all others.) Why do you think that forsaking all others is more important than the other vows?

 

There can be many types of betrayal in a marriage. I would suggest that oftentimes before someone looks outside of their marriage for comfort, he/she has felt betrayed/let down/discouraged/devastated, and ultimately dead inside because of the relationship (or lack thereof) with their spouse. 365 days of small betrayals—compared to a betrayal of one night of passion with another individual. Which is worse?

 

Not trying to justify cheating, (and not trying to be a troll), but just offering a different perspective.

[Davey McG]

As far as cheating goes. I don't think it is the be all and end all of relationship betrayals. Its just a very common one, which is why it comes up a lot.

 

It may be symptomatic of greater problems in the relationship, but the cheater always has a choice about their infidelity, where the cheatee (is that a word?) does not.

 

The excuse that someone else cheated because they were forced to is weak and is often used by the cheater to alleviate feelings of guilt. I often hear of a wife being "driven into the arms of another man" when she has an emotionally distant husband. Or a husband who is driven to another woman because of a lack of interest from his wife. These people try to imply they were forced but they have responsibility and try to wash any away from themselves by saying it was their partner's fault. Those being cheated on are often unaware of the terrible sins they have committed against their partner, which made them "dead inside"

 

The decent thing to do is to walk away from a relationship rather than cheat within a relationship.

[OWoman]

The decent thing to do is to walk away from a relationship rather than cheat within a relationship.

 

That's the nub of it, I guess - but the same way that people will neglect each other or abuse each other within a M rather than walk away from the M shows that few people are that strong, self-aware and mature to consider the full import of their actions and to act with decency.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

No, I think "lack of commication and trust" are more important than infidelity.

[travelgirl]

I see your point. But my point is infidelity betrays almost every part of the other vows. You are not loving your partner when you are with someone else. You are not cherishing them when you are betraying them. You are not honoring them when you withhold information about your marriage that they are not aware of. And you most certainly are not comforting them when they found out everything you have been doing behind their back.

 

I understand that there are problems on BOTH sides of the marriage when there is infidelity but it doesn't ever ever justify it. Any cheater that tries to use that mentality will never improve the marriage, just make it worse. That said, I realize where my own marriage went wrong and the things that I did to get it there. But the fact is, I didn't go to another man. I am sure I could have and that would have been a quick easy fix. I was wrong to not try and make the marriage better but it doesn't mean it was okay for my H to get emotionally involved with another women. It was an escape at the time. I get it and we both are taking major steps to get back on the right path for our marriage and family. But it doesn't take away the serious damage it has done to our marriage and how much easier it would have been to take the path back together if there wasn't a 3rd party involved. It truly hurts from both sides when the $hit hits the fan and it is a shame it takes so many people to have an affair to realize it actually would have been easier in the long run to work on the marriage instead.

[EmperorR]

it is, if you want to be with someone else, then break up with the person your with. It's easier to handle a breakup than to be lied to and cheated on and destroying trust for that other perosn in future relationships.

[OWoman]

I think infidelity is the worst because lives are put in danger. You can eventually rebuild trust and learn to communicate. You can't get rid of most communicable diseases and death shouldn't as consequence for a coward's lack of backbone.

 

 

Abuse and neglect can put lives in danger in tangible, direct ways on a daily basis. Practising safer sex with partners who are known, and certified, to be free of STIs does not put lives in any direct or tangible danger. Unless of course the BS flips out and goes homicidal but they could do that if the diswasher wasn't stacked right, too...

[Reggie]

As Travelgirl points out, cheating encompasses breaking all the vows at once. And, the behavior attendant to the cheating, the gaslighting, criticizing, and meaness, is very abusive. For me, this behavior, which my XW utilized to justify the affair and hide it, was just as abusive as the cheating itself.

Hypothetically, I suppose there could be cases where the cheater was the perfect spouse, communicating disstisfaction to the Bs only to have it fall on deaf ears and not engaging in the abusive behavior pre-A. But, studies have shown that this is seldom the case. No doubt it is what the OM

/OW hears from the cheater. But, the cheater's version is rarely the truth.

[Reggie]

Abuse and neglect can put lives in danger in tangible, direct ways on a daily basis. Practising safer sex with partners who are known, and certified, to be free of STIs does not put lives in any direct or tangible danger. Unless of course the BS flips out and goes homicidal but they could do that if the diswasher wasn't stacked right, too...

I'd say it is a rare WS that does this type of investigation re the state of the OW/OM's health and sexual history. And, if by safe sex you mean the use of condums, they are not a sure thing re peotection. Read the labels:).

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, infidelity is the worst betrayal. I think everyone needs to be married and cheated on once, to understand what it feels like.

 

I'm starting to understand why some people who've been betrayed, either revenge cheat or become affair partners. Why the hell not? Spread the pain.

[jwi71]

I have read many of your posts, looking for answers to my own situation. Instead, I am left with more questions.

 

What is your situation? Would you care for us to chime in? Would you like viewpoints from persons who know only what you tell us?

 

It seems as if so many of you are saying that an affair is the ultimate betrayal and NOTHING justifies the cheating spouse’s behavior. I haven't read that any of you are accepting responsibility for your actions that may have driven your spouse to look outside his/her marriage

Are you suggesting that there are circumstances when it is acceptable to cheat? Would you kindly delineate them for me?

 

There can be many types of betrayal in a marriage. I would suggest that oftentimes before someone looks outside of their marriage for comfort, he/she has felt betrayed/let down/discouraged/devastated, and ultimately dead inside because of the relationship (or lack thereof) with their spouse. 365 days of small betrayals—compared to a betrayal of one night of passion with another individual. Which is worse?

Is this your situation? Do you fell that being betrayed or let down or discouraged or dead inside justifies an affair? You tell me..is many small betrayals worse than "one night of passion"? Are they equally bad? Would having an affair "cancel out" some amount of "small betrayals"? Do two wrongs make a right? Do 1000 wrongs make a right?

 

Its fine to offer a different perspective just be prepared to think it through.

[pelicanpreacher]

Actually, the premeditated murder or, intentional physical, or emotional abuse of a spouse rate higher in severity of betrayal to a marriage than infidelity for all 3 murder the soul. This is why adultery is preceded by murder in GOD's order of laws presented in his Ten Commandments.

 

If one of the aforementioned components are occuring during the course of the marriage then I wholeheartedly endorse infidelity under these circumstances for the preservation of life will always trump the vow to forsake all others! If the beleagured spouse is too shell shocked and emotionally weak to save themselves then the intervention of an affair may be the only measure available to rebuild their spirit enough to leave their tormentor and, thus, save their own life.

[Taramere]

It seems as if so many of you are saying that an affair is the ultimate betrayal and NOTHING justifies the cheating spouse’s behavior. I haven't read that any of you are accepting responsibility for your actions that may have driven your spouse to look outside his/her marriage.

 

It's unhealthy and destructive to a person's emotional wellbeing to start taking responsibility for other people's actions. You can take responsibility for poor communication within a relationship, and for arguments developing....but for one person to assume responsibility for the other person's juvenile and destructive response to those difficulties? Are you suggesting people here should do that? I'd suggest that a lot of people come to this board because they've already done the self-blaming thing it a little too much (even if they don't do it openly...even if it's concealed under a blanket of anger and recriminations).

 

Sometimes it's very human and understandable that a person would fail in certain circumstances. Fail as in not succeed in handling themselves in a strong, honest and mature manner. Fail to be the kind of individual who can face difficulties head-on, instead of distracting themselves from those difficulties by resorting to deceitful behaviour.

 

Owning that failure doesn't mean you spend the rest of your life self-flagellating over it. It doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life listening tolerantly to other people berating you for it. It just means accepting "that was on me. I was weak...and the only way for me to become a stronger person is to accept that 100% and not try to justify it with reference to other people's behaviour."

 

That would go equally, I'd say, for people who have been cheated on and who have reacted in a violent or self destructive way. As long as we keep blaming others for the things we do, we give ourselves indefinite licence to keep doing those things - and wallowing in fury, bitterness and a sense of injustice.

[Trimmer]

I haven't read that any of you are accepting responsibility for your actions that may have driven your spouse to look outside his/her marriage.

 

Feb 2008:

I've always said that I take my full share of responsibility for the state of our marriage leading up to my wife's affair, but the choice to go outside was hers alone.

Oct. 2007:

Within the marriage, each party bears responsibility for the state of the marriage and his or her part in it. I've always said, I took complete responsibility for my actions, behaviors, contributions and faults within our marriage, as I think my wife should have taken responsibility for hers. And beyond that, I place 100% of the responsibility for my wife's behavior related to her choice to go outside our marriage upon her.

June 2007:

...I take my share of the responsibilty for the state of things within our marriage, but that I place sole responsibility on her for her choice to go outside the marriage. Accept responsibility for what you should be responsible for, and insist that others take responsibility that is reasonably theirs alone. That's not being a victim.

June 2006:

While accepting my share of responsibility for everything inside the boundaries of our marriage, I have been quite hurt and angry about what she took outside...

 

I'm not the only BS who has accepted responsibility for his or her part in the state of a dysfunctional marriage. However, you won't find many of us that will take any responsibility for having "driven" (your term) our spouses to cheat. That just doesn't make sense.

[Ariadne]

Feb 2008:

Oct. 2007:

June 2007:

June 2006:

 

I'm not the only BS who has accepted responsibility for his or her part in the state of a dysfunctional marriage. However, you won't find many of us that will take any responsibility for having "driven" (your term) our spouses to cheat. That just doesn't make sense.

 

Seems more like for a guy to take responsibility for what went wrong in the marriage is more of a pat on the back to take her back.

 

As far as the "worst betrayal" goes, no, that just means that you have drifted apart.

[Reggie]

Actually, the premeditated murder or, intentional physical, or emotional abuse of a spouse rate higher in severity of betrayal to a marriage than infidelity for all 3 murder the soul. This is why adultery is preceded by murder in GOD's order of laws presented in his Ten Commandments.

 

If one of the aforementioned components are occuring during the course of the marriage then I wholeheartedly endorse infidelity under these circumstances for the preservation of life will always trump the vow to forsake all others! If the beleagured spouse is too shell shocked and emotionally weak to save themselves then the intervention of an affair may be the only measure available to rebuild their spirit enough to leave their tormentor and, thus, save their own life.

Murder makes cheating impossible. So, that one is out.

As for the other justifications, not in this day and age. Divorce is just so readily available as is police intervention if it is physical abuse.

[cherrymoon]

Police cannot intervene unless the wives/husbands ask for help.

Protection orders and barring orders are constantly broken. When you live in fear no amount of police and court orders will protect you mentally the damage is done.

The whole issue with abuse is that once the pattern starts it breaks confidence and self esteem.

Domestic Violence comes in many forms, however in the majority of cases it all has the same traits.

It happens to people that are strong and confident or weak and broken. It lives and prospers only in the dark and secret. It rips you apart and clouds your vision. It takes and takes and takes from you as a person (sound familiar).

It gets deep inside of you and can take over. You can hear two things one positive and one negative the only one you will believe and remember is the negative.

The anger you hold in yourself for allowing it to happen increases the lack of self worth it feeds into how useless and pathetic you are.

 

In some countries Divorce is not easy. Divorce isn't freedom and it sure as hell isn't freedom from the memories. If there are kids you never have freedom.

[Reggie]

Police cannot intervene unless the wives/husbands ask for help.

Protection orders and barring orders are constantly broken. When you live in fear no amount of police and court orders will protect you mentally the damage is done.

The whole issue with abuse is that once the pattern starts it breaks confidence and self esteem.

Domestic Violence comes in many forms, however in the majority of cases it all has the same traits.

It happens to people that are strong and confident or weak and broken. It lives and prospers only in the dark and secret. It rips you apart and clouds your vision. It takes and takes and takes from you as a person (sound familiar).

It gets deep inside of you and can take over. You can hear two things one positive and one negative the only one you will believe and remember is the negative.

The anger you hold in yourself for allowing it to happen increases the lack of self worth it feeds into how useless and pathetic you are.

 

In some countries Divorce is not easy. Divorce isn't freedom and it sure as hell isn't freedom from the memories. If there are kids you never have freedom.

 

Yes, I hate abuse and it's debilitating effects. But, in dealing with an abuser, I think infidelity is bound to escalate things.

[serial muse]

I'd suggest that a lot of people come to this board because they've already done the self-blaming thing it a little too much (even if they don't do it openly...even if it's concealed under a blanket of anger and recriminations).

 

How true this is, Tara. I've often thought the same.

 

Edited to add: there is a significant component of emotional abuse bound up in infidelity. Gaslighting in particular can be pretty damaging, and the really hurtful stuff my exH said as a way to shift the blame to me (things which he later acknowledged to be untrue) were devastating. It wasn't just about him having sex with someone else; it was as though everything - good, bad, innocuous, whatever - about our relationship had passed through an ugly, distorting filter in his mind. Devastating. I did wonder if I had simply gone mad. That is pretty destructive stuff.

[michelangelo]

I agree. Wait until your cheating spouse decides a condom is no longer necessary and you get one of the major STDs.

 

Oh, my wife gave me a case of genital warts. Condoms don't prevent those.

 

She's had to have cryo surgery on her cervix as a result. Introducing potentially lethal cancer has resulted from her cheating.

 

My wife can be as remorseful as all get out (but she is not), but I'm left with this disgusting calling card for the rest of my life.

 

And I have to tell any potential sex partner I may have in the future that they risk infection.

 

 

 

I'd say it is a rare WS that does this type of investigation re the state of the OW/OM's health and sexual history. And, if by safe sex you mean the use of condums, they are not a sure thing re peotection. Read the labels:).

[cherrymoon]

yes, i hate abuse and it's debilitating effects. But, in dealing with an abuser, i think infidelity is bound to escalate things.

 

 

absolutely.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes, I hate abuse and it's debilitating effects. But, in dealing with an abuser, I think infidelity is bound to escalate things.

 

Cheating is emotional abuse.

 

No, I think "lack of commication and trust" are more important than infidelity.

 

I can't even begin to imagine what your thinking or intending to say.

[Reggie]

How true this is, Tara. I've often thought the same.

 

Edited to add: there is a significant component of emotional abuse bound up in infidelity. Gaslighting in particular can be pretty damaging, and the really hurtful stuff my exH said as a way to shift the blame to me (things which he later acknowledged to be untrue) were devastating. It wasn't just about him having sex with someone else; it was as though everything - good, bad, innocuous, whatever - about our relationship had passed through an ugly, distorting filter in his mind. Devastating. I did wonder if I had simply gone mad. That is pretty destructive stuff.

 

I really agree with this. Both my XW's cheated serially. The abuse that accompanied the cheating was as extreme as it gets.

[Dexter Morgan]

There can be many types of betrayal in a marriage. I would suggest that oftentimes before someone looks outside of their marriage for comfort, he/she has felt betrayed/let down/discouraged/devastated, and ultimately dead inside because of the relationship (or lack thereof) with their spouse. 365 days of small betrayals—compared to a betrayal of one night of passion with another individual. Which is worse?

 

Cheating is.

 

 

Not trying to justify cheating

 

 

Yes, you are.

[Taramere]

How true this is, Tara. I've often thought the same.

 

Edited to add: there is a significant component of emotional abuse bound up in infidelity. Gaslighting in particular can be pretty damaging, and the really hurtful stuff my exH said as a way to shift the blame to me (things which he later acknowledged to be untrue) were devastating. It wasn't just about him having sex with someone else; it was as though everything - good, bad, innocuous, whatever - about our relationship had passed through an ugly, distorting filter in his mind. Devastating. I did wonder if I had simply gone mad. That is pretty destructive stuff.

 

I know. It is a head-messer, and I think when someone's done that to you, it's very important to discuss things with people you really trust. Maybe in some cases it takes a counsellor to reassure you that you're rational, and stop you from internalising offensive comments about you by someone who's doing it because their self image has come into conflict with yours

 

Your ex-H probably got to a stage where he genuinely believed his ego-serving version of events. There's nothing to be done about that. Someone who doesn't have the courage to take an honest look at themselves in the mirror and take responsibility for what they see is the last person you can expect to be honest with you. You didn't know that about him before he cheated, and you couldn't be expected to know it. You know it now, though.