Marriage nearing the end - how to deal with it?

[Spiegelmann]

I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

 

I met my wife on the internet. We went out a few times and started dating. Everything was great, even if we were together only at weekends (her city was 160 miles from mine). We got along amazingly well, could talk about everything, laughed all the time and the sex was pretty damn good.

 

I thought this was the one and we got married 15 months later, August 2005.

 

But problems were on their way...

I consider there are three main factors responsible for my marriage's current situation:

 

1 - Her commitment to a certain cause, and the consequent lack of time and energy for me and the marriage.

Allow me to explain.

My wife has a heart of gold. In fact, she's one of the nicest people I've ever met. She loves to help.

The thing is, she can't bear the fact that there's a stray dog or cat within a 10 mile radius that she isn't helping. She lives this kind of situation very intensely, totally focusing her energy on helping said animal, and even crying desperately. Obviously enough, the mood around the house is far from the best. But that is not all.

She belongs to an animal care association for about one year and a half. Well, she spends about every other weekend entirely on this association's campaigns: leaves saturday morning at 7 a.m., comes back at 11 p.m., repeats on sunday. She also cleans the association's dog pound on mondays and goes to the weekly meeting on thursdays.

I'm all for her having other activities, it's just that the marriage is far from being a priority for her.

My attempts at talking about this usually end up with her promising that she'll try to spend less time with the association - which is fine by me, as I don't want her to abandon it. She has broken this promise time and time again.

Another example: we picked up four stray kittens shortly before getting married. I made it clear that we would only keep one, and would never have more than one pet indoors. She agreed.

One year later, she picks up another kitten and tries to convince me to keep it as well, to which I refuse. She tries to convince me with an out of the ordinary sex session. Again, I refuse.

On the morning after she says she's bringing the kitten home anyway.

Again, we made a deal: no more pets.

In November 2007, she found a dog in the middle of the road, sick and nearly dead. She brings it home, takes care of it, and - you guessed it - into my living room the dog goes, apparently because the animal's health doesn't allow it to live outdoors. My opinion was hardly thought of, and to this very day the dog is in my living room. To make matters worse, any attempts at training the dog to do its "things" only when we take it outdoors failed, which means that having dinner or lunch in the living room without the creature defecating right beside you is a matter of luck. Needless to say, it's been about a year since I last invited anyone to have dinner at my place.

Four months ago: she finds another stray kitten, two days old. She feeds it, takes care of it - and yes, you got it right: it's staying too. Now we had a major argument over this. I basically told her that I didn't feel comfortable in my own place and would never raise my children (no kids yet, btw) in such a home. But if the kitten made her happy, I couldn't obviously force her to anything. The kitten is still here. Her argument was something along the lines of "if you take my baby away from me you take a piece of me too!". That kind of scared me and, along with other attitudes she's been having, makes me fear for her mental condition.

 

2 - Doesn't look for a better job.

Ever since I know her she's complained about her job: she doesn't like it, it is poorly paid (and too late, at times, too), etc. All these years go by and she hasn't tried to find a better job. Doesn't apply to job offers, doesn't send her resumé, etc. Which means that she often has no money, which in turn means that I have to financially support the home on my own: bills, rent, gas, food, clothing, insurance...the four animals, you name it.

Whenever I tell her that she should look for a new job and that I'd gladly help her, she says she's tired of talking about this and is feeling pressured.

However, she still goes to the dog pound and the association's meetings, which implies using money for gas...you see where this is going, right?

More arguments, more shouting...no matter what I say, she won't hear it. She says it's not her choice, that she has to help.

 

3 - Sex (or lack thereof).

Right after I proposed to her things began to get a little worse. Almost immediately after the day I proposed to her, sex got less frequent and not so good, and she got a little more distant. She said it had to do with the arrangements for the wedding and that she was too tired and nervous.

The honeymoon was a complete disaster in this aspect: during one week and a half we had sex twice. Yes, you read right: I only had sex twice on my honeymoon.

Three and a half years later, sex is getting even worse and less frequent, no matter what I try. Always at the same time, same place, same position. No matter what I do, say or try. Once a week, if I'm lucky.

Everytime I discuss this with her she either a), promises she'll look for help to see what's going on or b), claims that she doesn't have any problem whatsoever and she's only tired with lots of stuff on her mind.

 

I've had enough a few days ago. I had spent a week away from home for professional reasons, and it would be only natural for us to miss each other. For starters, she went to a vet because of a stray dog on the same day I got back. To make matters worse, when she got home she spent two hours sending e-mails about a pack of stray dogs.

 

I talked to her openly, said everything I felt and that things couldn't go on. I basically told her that I was leaving.

She freaked out, started crying and saying that I couldn't do that, that I couldn't be serious. Then said something along the lines of "no one ever understood me, everyone thinks I'm mentally ill because my life is devoted to helping animals, everybody wants me to play the perfect housewive", after which she cried even more.

 

I asked her if she was willing to fight for this marriage. She asked me what she'd have to do and I asked her to work the three factors that I mentioned above, to which she remained silent and simply answered "I'll try".

 

Honestly, she's "tried" to change several times during our marriage. This was the only time I threatened to leave.

 

I don't know what else to do. I make my best to be a caring, loving, tender, hard working husband. If I know something will make her happy, I'll do it.

 

After she said she'd try, I've decided her to give her some more time. I think that the damage is done, though. The relation has become saturated, and I must confess that at times I feel as if I'm only staying for pity. I think about leaving all the time (nothing new, really), and I find myself getting interested in other women - I never acted upon it, though.

 

I mean, I do recognize in myself all the signs that I'm not "feeling" this marriage anymore.

 

I had to leave home for a week again - left this last Tuesday, and I'm going back home today.

Even knowing that I'd leave Tuesday morning, she went to the dog pound on Monday, after work.

 

And even knowing that I intend to go back home today, she asked me if it'd be ok to go to one of the association's campaigns today...after all the talking, she still had to ask? I can't believe it.

I mean, every time she goes to one of these campaigns she gets exhausted, and doesn't have the energy to do anything else.

She didn't go, in the end - there was no campaign due to bad weather.

 

Tomorrow it'll be a holiday over here. It'd be expected for her to try and spend some time with me, but no - she's still going to the dog pound. Again, whenever she goes to the pound, she lacks the strength to do anything else.

 

Remember that dog that's living in my living room? Well, the animal's health situation got considerably worse. Which means that my wife spends all her free time travelling back and forth between home and the vet, and calls me, crying desperately, saying she's going to lose her baby.

 

Now, I know that a great deal of people absolutely love their pets, and I respect that. The thing is, there are things she says and does that just don't sound normal to me. Even her parents and sister (her sister is her best friend, by the way) see things this way. It's hard to explain, really, but it does seem to me that she needs help - badly.

 

Bottom line: despite her constant claims that she's making a great effort to change (she keeps throwing this at my face, by the way), I just can't see it.

 

Just one more thing that just doesn't seem rational to me: after having told her that I was ready to leave, she still talks and acts as if nothing ever happened - she still talks about having kids, she's set up the christmas tree, still talks about having my parents over for christmas, etc.

She says it's her way to bring things back to normality, but it's driving me crazy.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel as if I'm only staying due to pity towards her.

 

Any input or opinions would be more than welcome, and sorry for the wall of text.

[lkjh]

I know what you are talking about. I was talking to a girl like that and I could not handle it. I don't mind when people like animals but come on; this girl had a apartment with 3 dogs and 2 cats. On top of that every time I would eat there I would have some dog digging into my food.

[Spiegelmann]

Can you imagine living an entire life like that? I can't.

 

Whenever we were eating in the living room, if my wife was e.g. taking a cup of milk with biscuits she'd throw biscuits to the floor so that the dog would eat them. Deliberately throwing food to the floor? Come on!

Needless to say, whenever I asked her not to do it she'd freak out, as if I'd said something atrocious.

 

It's a way of living that I respect; however, I can not understand it and I surely don't want to live that way.

[Geishawhelk]

I hate to say it, but you know exactly what you need to do.

It's just having the balls and gumption to do it.

You've been cajoled and coerced onto staying, and now, subconsciously she believes that any small amount of emotional insistence on her part will do the trick.

She's definitely appealed to your softer loving side. telling you what everyone thinks of her (maybe they have a point) and getting the sympathy vote....?

Hate to say it.

She's an emotional vampire, and she will suck you dry.

[amaysngrace]

she will suck you dry.

 

yeah and not in a good way.

[pelicanpreacher]

When you began this relationship did she openly discuss her agenda with saving animals and explain to you that you would always play 2nd fiddle to her "life's devotion"? If not, then I think she lured you into her life to augment her poor financial picture. I only say this because of her interest in sex only became prevalent when she wanted her way regarding animals but once she was secure in your commitment to marry her then her financial problems were solved allowing her to fully indulge in her agenda!

[SmartWoman321]

I would offer an ultimatum. You both start marriage counseling or its over. period.

[Spiegelmann]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

 

Pelicanpreacher: she never discussed her agenda. In fact, I only found out about her "helping side" after we were married. I didn't have the slightest clue before that.

 

Well, I ended up leaving home last Sunday. After a week away from home, she wasn't home when I arrived, because she had went to "visit" the dog at the vet.

Needless to say, that didn't help one single bit.

 

I packed up most of my things, put it all in the car, and waited for her to get home. Then I basically told her everything I had already told her, and that I was leaving. She began crying and sobbing like I'd never seen before. Afraid that she might have some sort of collapse, I rang her sister, as I did not want to leave her alone.

 

A quick side note: her sister understands me completely, and agrees with me 100%. As a matter of fact, her sister said that no one would be able to bear as much as I did.

 

When her sister arrived, she went for a "direct approach", basically throwing at my wife everything she had done wrong.

 

My wife went on to cry and sob even more, to the point where she lost control and said that she had problems and needed help. In fact, she begged for my help.

 

Basically, she lead me and her sister to conclude that she had been abused when she was a child, and that was the reason for her sexual underperformance and her "addiction" towards helping.

One thing leaves me confused, though: this being true, how come she never told me this? Besides, even her sister, who happens to be her best friend, didn't know anything about this. I know that these things can be highly traumatic, but still, one would expect her to talk to someone about this.

 

This question aside, she swore to go to a doctor, leave her job and the animal care association the day after (she has already left her job and the association by now). But why didn't she do this before? Why wait for the crisis to settle in? I told her that the damage was already done, and that she was trying to row in a sinking boat.

 

She called me a day later (yesterday, then) saying that she was willing to look for a job in my city (I had proposed this to her on several occasions, basically because the quality of life is better over here and consequently my job gets easier - I'm an insurance mediator, by the way. She had always refused).

 

She asked if she could keep her hopes up, to which I replied that no, she has a little more of a chance - a little more, nothing else.

 

When I suggested that, in the case of a second try, the dog and the youngest cat were not welcome, she said that she couldn't leave them. So yeah, the issue remains.

 

She also wants to come over here next Saturday to talk.

But again: the damage is done. When a marriage gets to the point that one of the parts starts to get interested in other people, that's a bad sign. And it's my case. I never acted upon it, but the thought is there, and that means something's not right.

 

Tips and input would be greatly welcome.

[2sure]

Hmmm. I love animals. I have pets and I donate to supportive causes. I am thankful for the many people who donate their time and homes. Because I sure couldn't do it. If I were alone, I would do more. But I have a husband and a child who do not share the same interest and have lives of their own. Home needs to accomodate everyone who lives there. So, yes I agree your wife , while she is to be admired, is not someone a lot of people could live with. As kids, we all knew a house in the neighborhood where an old woman lived with 40 cats and we avoided her. After we grew up, we realized she wasn't crazy but compassionate or lonely. Either way...this stereotypical old woman....ALWAYS LIVED ALONE.

 

That being said - your wife has an addiction like so many of our spouses here. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, infidelity. Its a betrayal to you. And you are their victim until the consequences affect them and not you. Like your leaving. Thats real, not a threat. Tangible. Possibly the only thing that can make her admit the problem and start to change.

 

And thats it. She can change. You have stopped enabling her. Ultimatums, arguments, etc. are ineffective. Now you have done something proactive for her and your marriage.

 

You married her. Just try. You loved her once.