kelly_70 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I met this really hot guy about two weeks ago. We went on a couple of dates, nothing happened. However, the last date got a bit steamy when he was dropping me off. We were in his car and I feel (afterwards) that things went a bit too far than I would have liked them too, even though we didn't actually have sex. I know I should have exercised more self-control but I didn't and I don't need lecturing about that one (i'm in my thrities and yes I should have known better) - end of. So, my dilemma is this; I would really like to continue seeing him but now I feel Ive given him the 'green light' and that he will now see me as 'short-term' fun. Next time I see him, he is obviously going to think I am 'up for it' - which I am not, I want to wait. How can I convey this without saying that I have regrets? I am just going to come over as a tease! I suppose what I am asking is how can I gain a bit of respect back!? And how am I going to handle this now? Thanks...
Cat66 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Please dont ever feel you need to excuse your behavior. You are a 30 something year old woman who does NOT have to explain the why of her sexual endeavors. It is what it is. Your question was how to make him realise you are not willing to go all the way, just tell him, If he cannot respect it, then he is not worth your time. Dont do more than you are comfortable with. Plain and simple. If he doesnt like it f)(* him.
berrieh Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I would really like to continue seeing him but now I feel Ive given him the 'green light' and that he will now see me as 'short-term' fun. Next time I see him, he is obviously going to think I am 'up for it' - which I am not, I want to wait. How can I convey this without saying that I have regrets? I am just going to come over as a tease! I suppose what I am asking is how can I gain a bit of respect back!? And how am I going to handle this now? Thanks... If you want to wait, then wait. If it comes up, just tell him you got swept away and smile. You cannot unring a bell or undo things. If he sees you as a tease or short term fun, then he's not really worth hanging onto, is he? If he sees you as short term fun, it's likely not because of this...he likely already thought that. I cannot imagine him originally thinking you had long term potential and then changing his mind because of this; however, if you start acting weird because of how you feel, that could do more damage to the relationship potential (seeming like drama etc) than the incident itself.
ashleigh422 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Im in agreeance with CAT.. I don't think you should feel guilty or bad. You did what you felt like doing at the time.. and besides.. you went on a few dates with him, its not like it was the first date. If this guy is any sort of a man, I think he will not think you are a tease. If it was too fastforward for you, then you need to slow down with him, but that doesn't mean that you have to totally put on the breaks. You like him, he obvioiusly likes you. You want to see him again, if the two of you have that chemistry.. I say GO FOR IT!!!
BentSpine Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 How do you backtrack? I'm afraid you can't. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place: Trying to backtrack would to me appear as game-playing which is reason enough for me to drop you instantly. On the other hand, if you continue with the natural progression and take next adult step, having sex, you cannot find out before hand if sex is all that he's after. Let me emphasize this: If I were him, you cannot NOT have sex the next time without appearing wishy-washy and a juvenile game player. And no, trying to talk yourself out of it won't work: Actions speak louder than words. He will assume what you did to him, you do to every guy similar to him. So what can you do? Before the next encounter, call him up to talk to him on the phone. Will he in turn call you first after you have established that you like to talk to him? Does talking on the phone go easily or awkward? Now is the time to decide if you're gonna put your heart on the line or not. There's hope if you feel a little bit like a couple already before you meet up the next time.
BlossomingLotus Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Let me emphasize this: If I were him, you cannot NOT have sex the next time without appearing wishy-washy and a juvenile game player. And no, trying to talk yourself out of it won't work: Actions speak louder than words. He will assume what you did to him, you do to every guy similar to him. Wow... way to make the girl feel pressured! Look, first and foremost... no lectures here. I have done it all in my dating time. Sometimes, you have sex on the first date because you want to. Plain and simple. And sometimes you fool around to an extreme because you want to. Do not feel obligated to do ANYTHING. You can let it go to where it goes. But don't live by some textbook rule that if you do it early it means you easy and just "having fun". My boyfriend and I had sex on the first date. The energy/chemistry/passion was there and we went with it. I really liked him and I was worried that I had blown it. After we had been dating for a few months, I told him about the fears that I had and he said I was ridiculous. He said that it wouldn't have mattered if we had sex on the first date or on the 10th date because he knew he liked me and wanted to know more about me and so he was sticking around either way. We have now been together about a year and a half and we are still hopelessly in love and we still have crazy "first date sex" as often as possible!
You'reasian Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 So, my dilemma is this; I would really like to continue seeing him but now I feel Ive given him the 'green light' and that he will now see me as 'short-term' fun. Next time I see him, he is obviously going to think I am 'up for it' - which I am not, I want to wait. How can I convey this without saying that I have regrets? I am just going to come over as a tease! I suppose what I am asking is how can I gain a bit of respect back!? And how am I going to handle this now? Thanks... Sit down with him and explain this to him just as you did us. If you can think of a way to show him that you want him, without having sex, even better.
Author kelly_70 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Well, i haven't heard from him in three days now. Its funny that for the past two weeks, he has contacted me almost every day and now nothing! I reckon ive blown it - oh well, I putting down to his problem and not mine. Why is it ok for guys to go as far as they like without a girl losing respect/interest but not the other way round ! Grrr
Gremio Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Unfortunately kelly, it's the way the world is nowadays. The guy is 'supposed' to be the one going after a woman, making the advances, etc. I disagree with that logic. I see todays world as an equal field.
jlr5175 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 My best opinion on the matter would be to ask him out on another date during the day at some place like the park or a basketball game. Let him know face to face that you dont feel good about taking that many steps so quick and that you're willing to work back up to that if he's willing too.
BentSpine Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Its funny that for the past two weeks, he has contacted me almost every day and now nothing! I reckon ive blown it No kelly, I don't think you did anything to blow it. You see, for men sex is the big reward, not kissing. If he actually was playing you there would be no way in hell that he would have stopped his attention after kissing, but before having sex. Kissing means you passed the Finish line, you have passed the hurdles and gained approval, now go collect your diploma (progress to intimacy). I think he's being honourable here. For some reason, which you don't have control over, his interest fizzled. And he doesn't want to make you feel used after the deed. Perhaps he gave you a chance but realised that his feelings for you didn't grow stronger. Maybe he met someone else who made him forget about you. In either case, his interest wasn't strong enough. He's doing the right thing by staying away so that you can become open to a man who's more interested in you. To connect with my previous post: I just realised a way how one could get away without having sex next encounter: Make out nude. Nudity can be the natural next step which would follow the progression (not make you a game player) while still not having sex. You could probably do this several times since it's immediately rewarding for the man to visually indulge the woman's body and go nuts from her womanly fragrance...
BlueHarvest Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 @ BentSpine. You do realize that making out nude is so very dangerously close to sex that trying to stop it is a very risky venture right? I think that advice is very bad to be honest. @ Kelly If you don't want to have sex then DON'T take your clothes off. Period. If you take your clothes off he'll think he has the greenlight to go all the way.
berrieh Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 To connect with my previous post: I just realised a way how one could get away without having sex next encounter: Make out nude. Nudity can be the natural next step which would follow the progression (not make you a game player) while still not having sex. You could probably do this several times since it's immediately rewarding for the man to visually indulge the woman's body and go nuts from her womanly fragrance... This is the weirdest advice I've ever heard. I'd say: Don't get naked unless you want to have sex. Also, you can always go backwards if you like, before having sex. Heck, even once you've had sex, you don't have to sleep with a guy every time you go out. It's not 'game playing' unless you're doing it with some strange purpose in mind. I don't know what you did, precisely, but if he was going to think you were a tease, he was going to think it that night (when he was excited). Not because of what happened on a later date. And, if he thought that, **** him.
BentSpine Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 This is the weirdest advice I've ever heard.You mean you fail to see the chain of reasoning or do you disagree with the hypotheses? berrieh, it's not very mature to put others down to make yourself feel better.
BentSpine Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 @ BentSpine. You do realize that making out nude is so very dangerously close to sex that trying to stop it is a very risky venture right?If you truly don't want to have sex, then I know it's possible. If you actually want to have sex, but are trying to meet someone elses idea why you should abstain, then I agree with you, BlueHarvest, that abstaining would be difficult. To me, following some rule how many times you have to meet before sex, when in reality you want to all along, is game playing and, again, puts me off beyond repair immediately. Kelly, even partial nudity + kissing should still work. The trick is to progress to more intimacy, even if in a small step each time you meet. Don't do anything you don't want to do, I'm only spending way too much time conveying what would work, and what not, if I happened to be the guy. If you take your clothes off he'll think he has the greenlight to go all the way.Maybe I'm wired differently, but the woman squeezing her thighs together is a pretty clear Stop signal.
Author kelly_70 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Well after all your advice I text him just asking what he had been upto. He replied saying that Friday was the highlight of his weekend! So will just see what happens now. Gonna just take it slowly and not go any futher than I feel comfortable with. God I feel like a flippin teenager again!
berrieh Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 You mean you fail to see the chain of reasoning or do you disagree with the hypotheses? berrieh, it's not very mature to put others down to make yourself feel better. I wasn't putting you down; I was disagreeing. I said nothing about you, only about your advice. I mean I both fail to see the chain of reasoning (as to why that would be appropriate or helpful) and disagree with it. And I really did feel it was very "left field" (aka weird). I commented to add a note of caution against it because I felt it was unsound advice which didn't seem to make much sense with the poster's goals... from my standpoint.
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