The Facebook Curse

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I hope this doesn't happen to me again.

 

Situation: A guy I know professionally asked me to hang out recently. I don't see him very often, but we do tend to talk about our lives when we see each other. It's all above board, that is not the issue.

 

He called me last week and we went out a few days later. We went to a place where a lot of my friends were, so he met them. He's really nice, really sweet. We talked a lot, and very easily. At one point towards the end of the night he said "we should really do this again soon". I thought that was a good sign. He said he liked my friends (male and female) and that we were all a lot of fun.

 

On the way out, he kissed me. Not a make out kiss, but defintitely a kiss that let was know this was more than hanging out with a cool girl from the job.

 

Later that night he "friended" me on Facebook.

 

So now I'm freaked out.

 

The last two guys I've gone out with "friended" me on FB and both only lasted 1-2 dates. One of those "friendings" was before the first date, and the other was after two dates.

 

Neither one ever called again!

 

Is the Facebook curse going to hit me again?

 

Guys, is there anything on a woman's FB page that really scares you or turns you off?

 

Basic stats:

 

I have about 200 friends.

 

All the pics I have posted are vacation pics and family pics. Yes, some of the vacay pics have drinking in them, but no craziness.

 

I have about 80 pics posted by other people. A lot of them are birthdays, or events, basically things that involve bars and drinking. No craziness, though.

 

This guy I just went out with really enjoys fun people who like to go out, so I'm hoping he's ok with that.

 

It's Saturday, and I last saw him two days ago, but he didn't send me any messages about how he had fun, or let's go out or anything.

 

Will the Facebook curse hit me again????

[Star Gazer]

I hate Facebook and MySpace's presence when it comes to dating. HATE IT.

 

That said, as long as your FB makes it clear just how much fun you're having without a dude in your life (as opposed to a lonely, cat-lady "loser" ), I doubt your experience was the result of FB, but purely coincidental.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thanks, Star Gazer. I do not lack for fun in my life. Methinks you do not either.

[LittleDove]

LOl...im thinking I might delete my Fb. Its a curse alright!

[Star Gazer]

Here's something to consider... Perhaps I'm overanalyzing here, but I think FB and MS cause flighty/noncommittal dudes (and girls) to feel like you're "right there" at their fingertips. They can keep tabs on you, see what you're up to, and only once they feel (er, see?) you slipping away reach out and make contact ... just enough to hook you again.

 

My point? I think there's even an art to being "hard to get" on those social sites.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I know, right???

 

I wanted to say, no, you can't be my Facebook friend, not yet! But that would just look stupid.

[Gremio]

I know, right???

 

I wanted to say, no, you can't be my Facebook friend, not yet! But that would just look stupid.

 

Exactly! Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

 

Today's world is so different. There almost seems to be no space, no separation. Everything is instant communication nowadays.

 

The only problem I can see with a someones personal profile when dating is seeing comments from old relationships. I am very selective when approving comments, even from girl friends as I know other women would get the wrong idea.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Oh yeah, today's world is different. I grew up in the era of the mixed tape as a token of affection!

[0hpenelope]

Oh yeah, today's world is different. I grew up in the era of the mixed tape as a token of affection!

 

Mixed tape...

 

:sigh: How I miss it. Pressing the scan button is not quite the same as rewinding with a pencil.

 

I know that the more prominent products of my generation are Facebook and Myspace, but I personally dislike both. Had accounts with both, ditched them and have been okay without 'em.

[Viking]

Did you add him as a friend yet? If not, wait for a while and that way if he sees that you're not always online, he'll see that you're a "real" person that he has to deal with on a face to face basis not the online version.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Yeah, I added him a day later.

 

When he had the option of emailing or calling, he called, which I liked. No one ever calls anymore!

[Gremio]

Yeah, I added him a day later.

 

When he had the option of emailing or calling, he called, which I liked. No one ever calls anymore!

 

I know! It's always texting. Don't get me wrong, I like it. But not when it comes to relationships. Take it slow, sit down, hear each others voices. So many things can and are misinterpreted with texting.

[prettybaby]

I absolutely hate facebook and myspace. I used to be into them a few years ago to get in touch with past crushes (laaaame LOL); that clearly didn't work out Hahha! Now I've deleted both and I feel so much better. It really does interfere with real life socializing. It sucks because, people are so hooked on them, but it really leaves little to find out about someone. The whole "mystery" factor dies the second you're friended.

 

I hate it, and even if I still had both profiles, I would raise the privacy settings to the max, make them impossible for people to find, and I would not add somebody unless we were very close and intimate.

[berrieh]

Hee. I don't hate Facebook and MySpace, but I don't engage anymore. (Except to check guys out sometimes and see what folks have said, etc.) I agree that many guys use it as a way to keep tabs on you.

 

Personally, it hindered my social life and never offered much of anything; besides, I haven't the desire to check a profile all the time. I also rarely email and never socially---if someone tries to email me constantly on a social basis, I (a) probably won't get them frequently and (b) suggest they call or text. Not a big fan of IMing either. And I'm young! (Technically, a millenial.) Just ain't my way. I do love texting though.

 

I don't think it's anything on your FB that's creating the 'curse' -- but I do think they type of guys who immediately think about making you a FB friend are just a bit flightier. FB is essentially flighty communication. I used to have profiles but became weary of how flighty and lame the communication was on there -- it was propping up bad friendships and watering down good ones. Now someone has to text, call, or see me to see what I'm up to. I'd rather tell people individually than set up a mass way to stay in touch.

 

Though I would have one if I went overseas or something and that became less possible.

[sunshinegirl]

You do know you can change the settings so he sees only a "limited" profile view, right? You might consider doing so, esp. if this is a guy you will continue to see in professional settings regardless of what happens on the personal one. If/when I befriend people who I know from work or clients - or mothers of my friends, for that matter - I put them on limited view so they don't see my wall or all my photos etc. Not that there's anything sketchy on my profile, but I don't especially want client-type people seeing my latest status update when it's "SSG is regretting the giant burrito she had for lunch."

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I have a lot of guy friends, too, who will write stuff on my wall or comment on my status. Again, nothing sexual or suggestive, usually just funny remarks in response to an update or something. I just don't want new guys to think wow, who are all these men who keep writing on her wall?

 

I do agree that it is flighty communication. I don't like to add people unless they are actual friends or "close" acquaintances,or maybe people from my past like high school or college. I don't add people I've just met in a bar, and I don't add people who request me if I don't know them. That just really irritates me. I do like it as a way to see friends' photographs, and to keep up with friends overseas. In the last respect it has been awesome, because usually I could go months or years without speaking to them and now I feel so much more connected to their lives. I also think it is great reconnect with people from my past. A lot of my friends write really funny updates so I'm always looking for the latest one.

 

But I haaaaaaaaaaate it when it comes to dating.

 

The guy I went out on one date with is still up there. He is actually really cool, and I see him socially no and then. I wasn't sure about him anyway, but I still want to know if there was something on the profile that turned him off.

 

The second guy.....more annoying. He sends me messages now and then. I feel like some of the posters are right about "keeping tabs". To make a long story short, I feel like this guy might have a GF and he's keeping me around as some sort of backup. I have no desire to be his back up, and I really want him off my page. I'm tired of his stupid little messages. I know I could "defriend" him but I'm not sure how that will play out.

 

I reeeeeeeaaaaalllly hope this latest one calls me back. He's super cute.

[Capricciosa]

Here's something to consider... Perhaps I'm overanalyzing here, but I think FB and MS cause flighty/noncommittal dudes (and girls) to feel like you're "right there" at their fingertips. They can keep tabs on you, see what you're up to, and only once they feel (er, see?) you slipping away reach out and make contact ... just enough to hook you again.

 

I think this a fab analysis of the problem. Facebook allows you to keep in touch without any real commitment. A few guys who friended me on facebook never ended up panning out, yet we remain somehow in each other's circle, like we're actually friends, which we're not. The possibility remains alive and no one has to do anything. I do think it is somewhat the kiss of death in dating terms.

 

A friend of mine recently got dumped, by the way, because the guy she was dating misconstrued something she'd put on her facebook status as meaning she wanted commitment. He sent her an email telling her he wasn't ready for anything so was stepping off. Her comment had nothing to do with him...

[Bells]

I hope this doesn't happen to me again.

 

Situation: A guy I know professionally asked me to hang out recently. I don't see him very often, but we do tend to talk about our lives when we see each other. It's all above board, that is not the issue.

 

He called me last week and we went out a few days later. We went to a place where a lot of my friends were, so he met them. He's really nice, really sweet. We talked a lot, and very easily. At one point towards the end of the night he said "we should really do this again soon". I thought that was a good sign. He said he liked my friends (male and female) and that we were all a lot of fun.

 

On the way out, he kissed me. Not a make out kiss, but defintitely a kiss that let was know this was more than hanging out with a cool girl from the job.

 

Later that night he "friended" me on Facebook.

 

So now I'm freaked out.

 

The last two guys I've gone out with "friended" me on FB and both only lasted 1-2 dates. One of those "friendings" was before the first date, and the other was after two dates.

 

Neither one ever called again!

 

Is the Facebook curse going to hit me again?

 

Guys, is there anything on a woman's FB page that really scares you or turns you off?

 

Basic stats:

 

I have about 200 friends.

 

All the pics I have posted are vacation pics and family pics. Yes, some of the vacay pics have drinking in them, but no craziness.

 

I have about 80 pics posted by other people. A lot of them are birthdays, or events, basically things that involve bars and drinking. No craziness, though.

 

This guy I just went out with really enjoys fun people who like to go out, so I'm hoping he's ok with that.

 

It's Saturday, and I last saw him two days ago, but he didn't send me any messages about how he had fun, or let's go out or anything.

 

Will the Facebook curse hit me again????

 

Yeah, believe it or not...I had a female friend that I knew for over a year....through friends and such....I recently signed on through facebook through ANOTHER friend in that group....saw her in my "You Might Know these people"

 

I attempted to add her, and she denied it,and said "Nothing personal, butI have some personal stuff on there."

 

But she has a crap load of people that I KNOW from our group that's on her friends list. I would consider her a close acquaintence. I mean, when we'd always hang together at events and such, chatting.

 

Go figure...kind of made me wonder, still.....hm.

[Isolde]

The only reason I have facebook anymore is because I feel if I delete my profile, my friends might think I un-friended them.

 

Cherry Blossom, I hope he calls. You're due for something new, it sounds like. How long has it been since you were in a relationship, if you don't mind my asking? In any case it sounds like you're dating a lot which is heading in the right direction.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You can limit what he sees, but why not limit what others do and say on your FB? I cleaned mine up before I added my parents and my kids as friends. I deleted all sexual references, quizzes, comments, and any friends who sent stuff or posted stuff I would delete it, and eventually deleted friends who consistently put offensive matter on there.

 

You can also hide your online status, I'm not sure how but my bf did. I never see when he's on, not that it bothers me.

[Bells]

Also, had another woman I had met through a friend at an event. Was introduced.

 

Later, I added her (made a comment/request to add her on) and she added me back on.

 

I think I asked about her "single status" and she got defensive...kind of like "none of your business" type of response....she posted some comments, going on about what she's got going on on a certain night (public at least to her friends) then I made a comment "Whatcha got goin' on?" and she goes, "stuff".

 

Talk about rude...then she deleted me from her friend's list.

 

She was nice at first, until I brought up her single status.

[CarrieT]

From what I've been readying, most of you use FB and MS to network with "friends."

 

As a self-employed artist, I have been using FB as a marketing tool. I have 500 friends and the only thing I post tends to be business-related. It wasn't always that way, though; when I ended a LTR four months ago, my posts on FB were pretty negative over all. The daily post was just how heartbroken I was and sad and lonely, etc.

 

Then I realized that I was marketing myself and that all I was talking about was negative. So now, my pictures and posts are ALL positive and non-relationship oriented. They are only about the art I am creating, potentially influential people I am meeting, and business development seminars I am attending.

 

So I guess it depends on what those sites are to you. For me, it is a marketing tool and so if a guy I'm dating wants to Friend me, so be it; he won't see anything about my personal life.

[Star Gazer]

I think this a fab analysis of the problem. Facebook [and MySpace] allows you to keep in touch without any real commitment. A few guys who friended me on facebook never ended up panning out, yet we remain somehow in each other's circle, like we're actually friends, which we're not. The possibility remains alive and no one has to do anything. I do think it is somewhat the kiss of death in dating terms.

 

That's it. That's exactly it.

 

A friend of mine recently got dumped, by the way, because the guy she was dating misconstrued something she'd put on her facebook status as meaning she wanted commitment. He sent her an email telling her he wasn't ready for anything so was stepping off. Her comment had nothing to do with him...

 

SAME THING happened to me. Had nothing to do with him, at all.

[jerbear]

Hey CB35, put me on your FB account and we'll see if it is a curse or not!

 

Honestly, my FB account is used to track real friends and acquaintances, I don't date and keep dates off my FB friend's list.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Haha, Jerbear, I would love for you guys to check it out and give me an outsider's perspective but unfortunately that would be giving away my true identity

 

I think that the whole "keeping in touch without commitment" thing is really true. I never really thought about it like that, but that definitely describes the one guy I dated who is still on there.

 

Isolde, my last relationship lasted a few months and that was 2 long years ago. DC is a very non-committal place, I'm afraid. People are really into their careers, blah blah blah. People seem to be very afraid of relationships here. I'm not just talking about the guys I've dated, I'm also talking about guy friends of mine. I think they need to get over themselves, already.

 

Soooo...update.......I was shopping with a friend earlier and I saw that he called. I was like, cool! He called! And not a dumb text, either.

 

I didn't listen to the VM until later, and then I was like, huh??

 

He called about an issue that would bring him into the office tomorrow. An issue that has nothing to do with me, mind you. I wasn't sure if he wanted me to call my boss (on a Sunday?) and tell him he was coming in, or if he was just using that as an excuse to call. Not that he needs one. So we talked about that for a little bit...then he told me that he knew a couple of people on my friends list (so he was curious...hmmm...) and then we talked about some unrelated stuff involving some islands I visited earlier this year.

 

Anyhoo- that was that. He said he would talk to me soon, might see me tomorrow since he has to stop by. And no, that's not an excuse just to see me. It's legit. I just wish he had asked me to do something. Hmmm...why not, I wonder?

 

Fellow LS'ers, please stop me before I start overanalyzing!! I've done a pretty good job the last few days of not thinking too much about it. Other than starting this thread, lol.