rainshine Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 The sad part is I mistook his invitation as a repair to our relationship. We met and all he has to say to me was....I'm glad you are moving on and I'm happy for you. I still can't fathom this, I already said goodbye. By the way.....http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t171589/
Cat66 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 They need to know you still care regardless of what turmoil they are going through. Sick as it is they need this validation as they heal.
fishtaco Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I'm confused. Why did you break NC? Do you want him back? If you want him back, don't be surprised that he's not interested. Breaking up causes huge amount of damage to a relationship. If you don't want him back, you should have waited until he's ready to talk, or never talk to him again. You broke NC prematurely, thus defeating the original purpose of going NC. Now you're faced with all the post-breakup drama. He's not trying to leave you hanging on. You're the one that approached him by calling him on his birthday, then at the restaurant. If he wanted to keep dragging you along, he would have broken NC. Now that you've reopened this old can of worms, shouldn't be a surprise. Remember, just because you're okay now, doesn't mean he is. Everyone heal at different rates. So... why did you break NC?
Author rainshine Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Fishtaco, sadly....I want him back so I broke the NC rules. Then realizing that after contacting him, he was a bit responsive but after a few days he wanted to be left alone. So I told him, I'm okay I'll leave you alone. And I thought by letting him know that I'm okay with the break up he may eventually open up to me some day. (reversing the rejection). Right after I said I'm okay with the break up, he wanted to talk. We met and he just repeated what he told me that he can contact me once a month. WTF?
Trialbyfire Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 rainshine, did you let him know you want to try again? What I'm seeing is a whole bunch of mixed signals from you. While I understand the pride/self-protection issues within you, why do you feel he's not feeling the same way?
fishtaco Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Oh ok, I was confused by your post and I couldn't really figure out what was happening. Thanks for the clarification. To me it sounds like he's still has a lot of emotions running around in his head, because he isn't over this. So you're ready to go back to NC then he decided he doesn't want NC anymore, but he doesn't want to restart the relationship either? Maybe other people have better advice, I would give him two choices. 1) throw away the past (as much as possible at least), and just go for it and retry the relationship with promises that both of you will do a better job this time, or 2) go back to NC. No lingering. Unless both of you are ready to be platonic friends, you can't keep contact. But like I said earlier. When NC is broken prematurely, for any reason, good or bad, you could be faced with post-breakup drama; that's the risk. Which is happening now. You took the risk because you wanted him back, which is understandable. Sorry that this doesn't look like it'll work out. Although I would say the birthday call was a very good sign that breaking NC with him would not be a good idea. As for WTF games is he playing? That's not important. He probably doesn't even know. It doesn't matter anyway. That's why I recommend setting the hard rules. One or the other. This way he can't play the ambiguous card, whether it was an intentional strategy or just an artifact of his emotions taking the best of him. Plus Trial has a good point as well. Did you communicate that to him? Men and women communicate very differently. When talking to men, you have to be absolutely blunt about what you want. Maybe he thinks you're playing mixed signals so he's playing it right back at you, that's what I would do, as soon as I perceive a game is being thrown at me, it's open season. Giving him those choices would let him understand what you're looking for. But use nicer words of course.
Author rainshine Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Trial by fire, I gave him all the assurance in the world, I even told him how much I would like to make up for the time we spent apart. Unfortunately, he still angry about what happened in the past the I kicked him out of my place. I even told him I'm begging you take me back and it feels like you just kick me off the ground while I'm on my knees. And he replied.....now you know how it feels..... He is still very upset.....
Author rainshine Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Fishtaco, he is still stuck in the past with his anger. He told me that he is in better place now, happy and healthy, no fighting. I guess I am too....just it's difficult when your with someone for almost four years, got engaged, pregnant and miscarried......
Trialbyfire Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Okay, then you've clarified what you want from him and it appears to be a major trust issue with him, which you can't change. Back off. Let him decide what he's willing or capable of doing. You can't make him take you back, no matter how much you want this to happen. His timeline won't necessary agree or parallel yours. His goal might not agree with yours. He might be done, which is something you need to accept.
Author rainshine Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 I agree....trialbyfire. I need to take back control of my life. It's hard but it's for the best. thank you.
Trialbyfire Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 You're welcome rainshine. That's it exactly. Take back control of your life. Never put your heart in the hands of someone who doesn't have your best interests in mind. Right now, he's focused on himself and his hurt feelings too.
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