Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Assuming the gal would be paying for the "tweak," how many guys mind when a gal they're dating tries to ever so slightly change/modify his haircut, or shoes, or shirts...? I recently met a GREAT new guy, but I'm having a hard time getting beyond particular style of a particular item of clothing he wears. I'm wondering how hard it would be to (over time) tweak that? One guy I dated a few years ago became IRATE when I suggested he buy a different style pants. He mentioned going shopping for a new suit, and I merely suggested he get flat front pants rather than the pleated front style he generally wore, indicating to him that they presented a cleaner, more modern line, not to mention the fact they are more flattering.
MN randomguy Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 It would have to be a limited number of things. Pleated vs. flat front pants is a good example of what's acceptable. If you're smart its in how you present it too. My Ex, told me how hot I was walking away in my boot cut jeans, they're not as comfortable as relaxed fit... But, next time I shop for pants its boot cut all of the way.
Storyrider Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t124743/?highlight=Mole
Gremio Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I don't mind it at all as long as it isn't drastic. An ex of mine bought me some great clothes than even to this day I get compliments on.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t124743/?highlight=Mole Do you have any COMMENT to add, Story??? That (physical) was totally different than what I'm talking about here (style). But thanks. Please continue with the conversation.
Storyrider Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Come on, there is some huge overlap. And it starts with the way you approach the issue, right down to the exact wording. He is a truly awesome guy, and we are very compatible (so far) in most ways. Thing is, I've been having a hard time recently getting beyond two very superficial appearance issues that are affecting my attraction towards him. I recently met a GREAT new guy, but I'm having a hard time getting beyond particular style of a particular item of clothing he wears. I'm wondering how hard it would be to (over time) tweak that? No need to reinvent the wheel. You weren't attracted enough to the last guy. You're not attracted enough to this guy either. Plus it is a bad dynamic to go in trying to fix someone.
MN randomguy Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Biggest problem in my parent's marriage. She didn't like that he was uneducated, Catholic and a farmer. She married him and got busy trying to "fix" him. 30 years later, he's uneducated, doesn't go to church at all, hates hers, uneducated, farmer and resentful. She's frustrated and tired. There's one person in the world that you can change. That person is yourself. Then, to contradict myself. Women don't realize what many men's relationship with clothes are. To women your clothes define who you are. to me I buy clothes because its illegal, not socially acceptable and too dang cold to go around naked in MN:p. If you're like here, I'll totally jump your bones if you wear these Zubaz most guys are like, whatever, Zubaz work. Changing his job, religion, MAJOR changes are a bad idea. Honey I love you if only you change everything about yourself WTF?
Tony T Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Assuming the gal would be paying for the "tweak," how many guys mind when a gal they're dating tries to ever so slightly change/modify his haircut, or shoes, or shirts...? If I really liked the gal and I agreed with her suggestions, I wouldn't mind getting some tips...especially if complying would bring us closer. If I wasn't so fond of her, she could just plain kiss my butt!
Author Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Come on, there is some huge overlap. And it starts with the way you approach the issue, right down to the exact wording. No need to reinvent the wheel. You weren't attracted enough to the last guy. You're not attracted enough to this guy either. Plus it is a bad dynamic to go in trying to fix someone. I'm not trying to FIX anyone here. I'm asking a very specific question about STYLE, not hygiene or facial moles. You trying to drudge up a completely different situation dealing with a completely different person isn't helpful, at all.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 If I really liked the gal and I agreed with her suggestions, I wouldn't mind getting some tips...especially if complying would bring us closer. If I wasn't so fond of her, she could just plain kiss my butt! Alrighty. Say she thought a different style shirt would look better. How should she address that? Buy you one and give it to you as a surprise? Comment on how good that style shirt looks on someone else? Suggest the two of you go shopping and have her pick one she likes and say, "Ooohh, this one would make you look HOT!"...?
Nemo Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 The situation looks like an exact parallel to me. History is destined to repeat itself, lest we learn from our experiences.
Storyrider Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I'm not trying to FIX anyone here. I'm asking a very specific question about STYLE, not hygiene or facial moles. You trying to drudge up a completely different situation dealing with a completely different person isn't helpful, at all. OK, to answer your specific question, I've had some luck over the years making style suggestions in a variety of situations, but I've found that it isn't worth it because: (A) If I'm focused on a guy's clothing faux pas, it doesn't bode well for the level of attraction that is present in the first place. (B) It turns into a power struggle, with the guy feeling like he's giving in on the pants, so what am I going to change about myself in return? © It only makes me want to tweak more and more things about him.
Tony T Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Alrighty. Say she thought a different style shirt would look better. How should she address that? Buy you one and give it to you as a surprise? Comment on how good that style shirt looks on someone else? Suggest the two of you go shopping and have her pick one she likes and say, "Ooohh, this one would make you look HOT!"...? I have had ladies ask to take me shopping from time to time. I was actually flattered by their interest in dressing me. It does show a general interest in me. I am totally convinced that packaging is very important and attraction is a vital part of a relationship. I can't change my face or naked body without radical surgery. If all it takes for me to win a lady's heart is a trip with her to the mall, a shoppin' we will go! That's the route you should take. A new shirt given out of nowhere would be inappropriate. As a birthday or Christmas gift...that's sounds just fine. As stated in my deleted post, you shouldn't offer to do this until after you have dated the person long enough to feel comfortable making such a suggestion. (While you're at the mall, you can watch to see if he sneaks peeks at other women.)
MN randomguy Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Question, This article of clothing, What if he's like "no way this is my lucky Jersey, Fuschia tie my friend gave me before he died, etc. Will you be able to let it go? or will he be gone like the last guy? Maybe you're too hung up on aesthetic perfection. Is that you in your avatar? My theory might hold some water.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 The situation looks like an exact parallel to me. History is destined to repeat itself, lest we learn from our experiences. I completely disagree, knowing both people and the things that I'd want to tweak. But even if it is IDENTICAL, so what? You can still answer the original question, which was, "How much do guys mind when you try to TWEAK (i.e., not completely change) their STYLE?" Go ahead and answer that, Nemo. Also, perhaps, "I can't get beyond" in THIS thread was too severe. In this instance, it's not a big deal at all... it's only the type of shirt he wears when he's being "dressy." It's geeky. Everything else about him is awesome. This is much unlike the other guy, who I could barely even look at without staring at the huge, ugly mole on his face.
MN randomguy Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Buy him some new "going out" shirts for Christmas. Lots of positive reinforcement for wearing the new shirts. Problem solved, Next question:cool:
Author Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Question, This article of clothing, What if he's like "no way this is my lucky Jersey, Fuschia tie my friend gave me before he died, etc. Will you be able to let it go? or will he be gone like the last guy? Maybe you're too hung up on aesthetic perfection. Is that you in your avatar? My theory might hold some water. If it was a "lucky" item or an heirloom or for some reason important to him, of course I could let it go. But if he resisted a simple improvement (like the pleated-pants guy did) JUST to be stubborn, well that would be someone I would let go just because they're so close-minded. He wouldn't even try on a pair of flat-front pants. Why? "I just don't want to." Ooookkaaaaayyyy. (I saw him two years later a conference, lookin' damn fine...in FLAT FRONT pants. He actually thanked me.) Anyway, NO. That's not me in the avatar - it's freakin' Britney Spears!!! That said, you guys have no idea who it is that I date - what they look like, anyway. I'm soooooo far from looking for perfection on the outside, it's not even funny. That said, yes... a nasty ass mole on someone's face is just not something I can get past. And I do care about STYLE, how someone puts themselves together.
Nemo Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 In this instance, it's not a big deal at all... Then I'm sure it won't be to him, either. Just say that he would look whatever in whichever, because it enhances his inner beauty. Clothes are merely an expression of one's personality, unless his mom picked them out for him. It will be a good test of communication. Or manipulation - depending on one's point of view, haha.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 I have had ladies ask to take me shopping from time to time. I was actually flattered by their interest in dressing me. It does show a general interest in me. I am totally convinced that packaging is very important and attraction is a vital part of a relationship. I can't change my face or naked body without radical surgery. If all it takes for me to win a lady's heart is a trip with her to the mall, a shoppin' we will go! That's the route you should take. A new shirt given out of nowhere would be inappropriate. As a birthday or Christmas gift...that's sounds just fine. As stated in my deleted post, you shouldn't offer to do this until after you have dated the person long enough to feel comfortable making such a suggestion. (While you're at the mall, you can watch to see if he sneaks peeks at other women.) Packaging IS important to attraction. Anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves. And I agree... I'd never do any such thing until there was a level of comfort and trust established, which takes time. Do you remember the alcoholic I dated? Well, the BEST date we ever had involved shopping for him. We were on our way to an engagement party in Napa, and had to stop at a Macy's so that he could buy something to wear (he was a t-shirt a shorts kinda guy, didn't have anything appropriate to wear to the event). I had no intention of helping him pick anything out, as even from his t-shirts and shorts style I could tell he'd figure it out just fine on his own. However, he wanted my help. So I put together an outfit. He liked it so much, he asked me to pick out a "date" outfit. And then a "work dinner" outfit. And then a "casual hangout" outfit. I was suddenly a personal shopper all on his Macy's card - he was like the Ken doll I got to play dress up with. He looked sooooo good in everything I picked out I almost wanted to molest him in the dressing room! We honestly had THE BEST time. Even the salesgirl said she had never seen a couple look so happy or have so much fun while shopping. I miss that day. So... I guess I know that there are some guys who are amenable to that "tweak", but there are guys that would react VERY BADLY (like pleated pants did). I just don't know how to tell the difference.
Storyrider Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Clothes are merely an expression of one's personality, unless <insert female name here> picked them out for him. But, more importantly, our boyfriends are expressions of our personalities, because we pick them out!! I'm female, so I'm very tempted by this same proposition and well aware of where this thinking leads. It still tempts me from time to time but it is actually a genuine relief to let it go. Oh, also, get him a shirt for a gift. That is an ok way to handle it.
Nemo Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 But, more importantly, our boyfriends are expressions of our personalities, because we pick them out!! Yes, that's a brilliant summation. Superb. This is the land of the free, and we take these freedoms very seriously indeed.
MN randomguy Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Not to sound like a broken record, but, Women don't realize what many men's relationship with clothes are. To women your clothes define who you are. to me I buy clothes because its illegal, not socially acceptable and too dang cold to go around naked in MN:p.
Tony T Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 So... I guess I know that there are some guys who are amenable to that "tweak", but there are guys that would react VERY BADLY (like pleated pants did). I just don't know how to tell the difference. I suppose it may be best to touch on the subject in a very discrete and delicate way...perhaps even hypothetical. If a guy is all that sensitive about something like that, he isn't worth being around. Any guy who really likes you will be open to your comments and suggestions. If a guy reacts all that badly about something of this nature, he will be major trouble in the days ahead...I promise you!
Nemo Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 The trick is to make the "suggestion" without him feeling that this is the thin edge of the wedge. Or something akin to "I really like you, but..."
Woggle Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Never try to change a man because it is a complete and utter exercise and futility. Either accept him for who he is or don't accept him at all.
Recommended Posts