jj33 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 And this issue of thinking he was with other women. Again you are very open and my guess is you are not naturally jealous. I have found I am only jealous when the man is displaying behavior that gives me reason to be insecure in the relationship. I now take it as a sign that something isnt working. And in the case of taking someone to the airport its the sort of thing you could never prove. One of those cases where you need to trust your intuition. Im so sorry this ended this way. But glad for you that it didnt carry on any longer than it did.
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 WS, better this happened now than in another year or two. Atleast he didn't move in with you, start to build a life with you (in the sense of real relationship after his divorce) and then you grew together as a couple. I know you're in pain, but I am very proud of you that you see him for who he is! Hopefully knowing all this now will help keep you in NC mode, even if he tries to reach out to you, or if he changes his mind, you'll have the anger and strength in you to completely ignore him.
NoIDidn't Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Wow, WS. He tried to turn it all around on you, didn't he? Reading your story reminds me of the time in my life when I dated a narcissist. But I was a little narcissistic myself (as young people normally are) and just walked because *I* was not about to put up with that. LOL. I thank my lucky stars that I was immature. Otherwise, I would have wasted years trying to be enough for him. And... the sex....was.....a....mAzing!!! What is it with them in bed? LOL.
2sunny Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 since he offered to have someone drop off your stuff - maybe you could ask him to have his wife drop them off...
Awakening Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 WS, I have been watching your story very closely and it resembles mine almost to a T, except that my MM actually divorced and still ended up going back home (more than once). But that's a story for my own thread. Be strong. I had to make a concious effort to totally disengage and not take his bait. These guys are good. They know your weaknesses. Mine is that I never want to be "mean" to anyone and therefore I wasn't firm enough to get the point across that I wanted him to leave me alone so I could sort myself out. And I also have a very bad habit of answering the phone when it rings. When I finally realized that I was totally finished, it came as an awakening all at once. I could tell I was getting closer and closer because I was feeling SO MUCH BETTER mentally and physically, and one day - SNAP! I could view it from a whole new perspective. Yes, I had a hand in breaking up a marriage (that guilt kept me with him for some reason) but at that point I could see that his relationship with his wife was just the same as ours! She's got him back once again and she can deal with his PA behavior, and narcissism. She had done it for years so it must work for her too.
Author wildsoul Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Thanks everyone. Your responses are all great! I'm slowly detaching from him (on an internal level.) I feel so run down emotionally and physically. True to my word, I said 'yes' to a party invitation the other night. It helps to remember that I've got my own life with old friends and that I can mix/mingle with new people too. On the long drive home, I had a momentary pang of longing when I drove past the exit to his town. But then I realized that what I wanted was loving arms around me, soothing care, and sweetness--and that is NOT something I can get from him. He used to give me all that, but only when I was "up," and never when I'm "down." So I snapped out of my emotional rescue fantasy and kept driving home. Since then, I've been in bed with a cold coming on. Moreover, it's the situational depression that's crippling me. If this continues much longer, I'll consider antidepressants or herbs. I know exercise would help, but the lethargy is so intense. We'll see. I'm hanging in there. Thanks again for your support!
NoIDidn't Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Since then, I've been in bed with a cold coming on. Moreover, it's the situational depression that's crippling me. If this continues much longer, I'll consider antidepressants or herbs. I know exercise would help, but the lethargy is so intense. We'll see. I'm hanging in there. Try bright lights. I have one of those natural light lamps and it really helps to life the mood during the cold, dark days of winter.
mytruelove Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 gosh honey, i really just want to reach out to you right now and give you a great big hug. your such a strong open person and your spirit reminds me a lot of myself. i am so sorry you are hurting right now. wish i could take it all away. i really think we need to look at the good we did gain from our relationships and just know we are stronger for it. we have to be right? what doesn't kill us will make us stronger. if i remember i think you have done a lot of self help things also. have you tried yoga? i find it really helps me. i know what you mean about the pangs of sentimentality and longing. i really needed to hear what you said about what you REALLY wanted and the acceptance and realization that he could not give that to you right now. i was gripped with extreme lonliness and actually fear the other night driving home also. not easy. have you considered taking another route home? that is something that i am considering. it is very hard for me when his work is just down the street from me, but i think i can do it. you are wise to not let the depression go too long. i have been depressed before and can recognize the signs and definitely don't want to go there again. i think it is good to take action quick and not suffer with it. take care my friend and stay strong.
jj33 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Hang in there WS. You are doing really well as much as it doesnt feel like it. You got it exactly. You are missing a ghost. The man who would wrap his arms around you and make it all better doesnt exist - that is what you did for him. So turn that love back on yourself. That was what has gotten me through not going back. That what I envisioned for our relationship wasnt what I would be going back to in real time. Even if exercise feels like too much of an effort, simply getting out and walking is helpful - even if you are just walking around a mall. Walking somewhere a mile away you would normally drive. Exercise doesnt have to mean going to the gym or going to a class. Just getting out of the house and moving your limbs is helpful, exhausted as you are. Wrap yourself up warm, put on some gloves and move. You can always turn around after 10 minutes if you just cant face it. You know yourself and whether this could be a serious bout of depression setting in. However (and again you know yourself so I could be totally offbase) its only been a week and this was a really big blow. Its normal to be flat out depressed about it. I wouldnt be so quick to go to antidepressants (just my view I am very anti medication where other alternatives exist). Unless you have a history etc drugs will only mask the pain and you need to get past this and put it behind you. The cold could also be seen as your body's way of dealing with all the stress and toxic emotions that you have been dealing with in the past few weeks. You have great energy and are expecting yourself to be at full throttle - like women who give birth in the fields and keep picking berries with the newborn under their arms... Be gentle on yourself. You are unwinding 10 months and promises of a future. That takes more than a week. No you cant afford to let the depression linger, but its a process and by the time Xmas rolls around I think you will find you are in a much better place. Big hugs.
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Since then, I've been in bed with a cold coming on. Moreover, it's the situational depression that's crippling me. If this continues much longer, I'll consider antidepressants or herbs. I know exercise would help, but the lethargy is so intense. We'll see. I'm hanging in there. Yoga, 10 minutes of sitting and deep breathing, doing afew yoga positions will make a world of difference. Buy a SAD light, and put the bulb in a lamp. This is what I do and it helps. Have a warm bath before bed too, that will help relax you. Many suffer this time of year (me included!) so try to surround yourself with comfort foods, flannel PJ's, good movies and stay cozy..Spring will be here before you know it!
OWoman Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 WS, you are very self-aware and it's good you recognise that the depression is reactive, and normal. I'd agree with others that getting your own serotonin levels boosted in other ways is preferable to pills, which take time to work and can have other side effects. It's also telling that your body is having to draw the line for you - putting you to bed and saying, enough of this caring for and about others, now take care of YOU! by making you sick. Putting the focus back where it belongs - on you - is a good thing right now, and you could do with some friends coming round, bringing you soup and silly DVDs and feeding you medicinal whisky. Also, if the virtual voodoo doll site still exists, that's very therapeutic...
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