tattoobunnie Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 My boyfriend and I broke up the middle of October. I agreed to the break-up, and moved out of our home a week later. While a breakdown in communication and other life factors have contributed to the break-up, we have seen each other a few times throughout, and in the meantime chatted on-line discussing what needs to be done to work things out, how, but never when. We both share that we love each other and miss each other very much. We are both not seeing other people and have told each other that we wouldn't while we're working on things. I have apologized for misdoings, and also have not begged or pleaded for him to return, even though it's what I want to do. In one apology and a recent conversation a week ago, I said, "Lashing out at you, I lost my best friend and lover." He replied with, "not forever, just a lil' while. It'll be fine. I love you!" He has also said that he would like to work things out eventually. The thing is, the mixed signals I get are that now is that he doesn't attempt to contact me outside of on-line chatting. And he does not make an effort to work things out on his end. On Monday, he canceled plans for me to see him while I was on my way there. I asked him if I should kick back, and he said "no, it's not what I want." Being in limbo is unbearable. I want to move on and completely let go, yet at the same time, I am worried that if I give up that we won't work out. I try to give him plenty of space, and am now somewhat impatient from being insecure on where we stand. Should I see his actions at face-value, and not listen to his words? Should I give it a little more time, stay in light contact, or let him go? I appreciate your replies. Also, past two weeks, he's hot and cold, lukewarm, and sweet...so confusing.
Vince Black Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 words are important...they do mean things But.......actions always over words 99.9% of the time
Author tattoobunnie Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Yeah, I may be holding onto nothing more than intentions. When we have hung out after the break-up, he'll stock things in the apartment for me to use. It amazes me how I have taken contact solution and a box of sugar, both of which he doesn't use himself, as a sign he wants to work things out. I think I'm just having a tough time letting go, when only a week before the break-up, he was promising marriage, kids, a future together. Then a week later during a fight after a miscarriage, him telling me that he may have cold feet, confused, and unsure of what he wants.
Angel1111 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Did you lash out at him often, or was that a rare instance? Having a miscarriage is a very serious thing. I'm so sorry to hear about that. Your head must be spinning with such a loss, plus things ending with him. That's a lot to process emotionally. Usually when people start acting hot and cold, it means they're confused. And confusion usually isn't a good sign. I would just steer clear of him for awhile, stop talking, all that. I know you think fighting for the relationship is the thing to do, but that's because that's what women like for men to do. Usually that doesn't work with men, though. Usually backing off and giving them space is what causes them to think about things and realize they miss someone. He wouldn't be at all surprised if you chose to stick around and put up with his indecision. What he doesn't expect you to do is to back off. Despite what he has told you (people rarely say what they mean), I would do this and not be so available to talk online so much. Men are very good at reading behavior, so let him know - without saying a word - that he's crossing the line. He needs to know that you have your limits. If you don't let him know that you won't allow him to treat you this way, he'll lose respect for you. Once he understands that you won't tolerate this kind of behavior, his attitude will change.
amaysngrace Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Actions speak loud and clear. Words may or may not be said but how a person acts says everything. I'm sorry for your loss. How long ago did you miscarry the baby?
carhill Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Since he initiated the break-up and you know exactly what you want from the R, serve him a silence sandwich until he says and does things to indicate he is meeting those needs/desires. Maintaining contact will perpetuate the pain.
Author tattoobunnie Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 We lost the baby, the first weekend in October, and broke up 10 days later. During the last two months of our relationship, the lashing out started. For some reason, I thought he was planning to propose, and yup, typed in the word "ring" in his email account search engine. While I know it's snooping, he's looked through mine to scope out presents for special occasions. And in that search, I discovered emails that send "give me a ring" with his phone number to other women throughout the relationship, but stopped after we moved in together. After ripping a new hole into him for a while, I forgave him. Then, the lashing out would happen once in a while again over his constant playing with World of Warcraft (yes...this is the dorky part) 30+ hours a week since April. He stopped making much time for us...hmm...as I'm writing this, even though I know, I'm starting to actually remember... There were two instances that I wanted to leave him, sadly, over his dedication to a video game. Angel1111, your comment about not tolerating his behavior is gold. I think I am just holding on to the person I knew and goals we once shared...not the person who sometimes played hookie from work just to play a video game. I keep deleting and reentering his number in my phone. Each time ready to let go, and then having him message me to consider otherwise. But it's true...what's the point of being with someone who can only give 10% of themselves.
Angel1111 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 It's not so much as why you'd want to be with him. That would be great if he'd straighten his act out. But it's a pretty immature guy who will skip out on work to play a video game, so I'm not overly hopeful. I think your pregnancy was a reality check for him. I'm just saying that if you continue to be tolerant and forgiving of his disrespectful behavior, it invites more disrespect.
amaysngrace Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 But it's true...what's the point of being with someone who can only give 10% of themselves. If you even get that. He does sound like he's not yet ready to be a man. And you hope for marriage. I know it isn't what you want to hear but the miscarriage was for a reason because all things are. Maybe you were just spared from having a baby with a child? XO
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