An odd Situation of Lost Love

[DSM-IV Tom]

Hey all. Sorry we all have to talk under such dark circumstances.

 

I wanted to take a minute to hear some opinions.

 

My ex and me dated for about a year, fell very in love. Barely ever argued until the end. Then out of nowhere, she breaks up with me because she wants to be young. She isn't interested in any other guys (and has proved this), so I'm not concerned about that. I showed a strong NC rule for a few weeks now and tomorrow is my birthday.

 

She contacted ME out of nowhere today about my birthday and I asked if we could spend it together tomorrow. Shes babysitting her nephew (has been doin that tons for the past few years). So I understand that.

 

She says she has to find out if she can cuz she doesnt want to leave him (kyle). but she said she will if she can.

 

She always wanted just a "Break", not a break up. She wanted time to her self, and has spent it with friends or by herself. This I understand, because I wasn't always the best bf. I freely admit I made my fair share of mistakes.

 

However, I don't know what to do. I gave her NC because I knew it was my best shot.

 

And now she seems to have complied and is coming back. This is all I ever wanted, and I do want to be with her.

 

But it is my level of intelligence that questions the chances of getting back together and being successful.

 

I know the best chance we have is to start all over again-- not where we left off.

 

I want to hear some opinions... all though I am fairly sure everyone here will just say keep up NC lol..

[Geishawhelk]

Not from me, you won't.

 

What have you got to lose?

You went your separate ways for reasons she gave, and she was honest.

She asked for a break, and you gave it to her.

Now she's asking to see you, and why is that a bad thing?

 

TBH?

I'd give it a whirl.

It sounds good for a friendship, if nothing else..... yeh, maybe that's not what you want, but it all seems mellow and friendly, far from acrimonious or hostile.

 

I'd go, and chill.

Don't expect too much, and take the lead from what she says to you.

[motive2002]

NC isn't to "give it your best shot". It's to take time away to heal.

 

How long have you been apart? If it's been a few years and you've each had opportunity to grow and change, then yes, I'd say you could start over from scratch, otherwise it will simply be more of the same and whatever didn't make the relationship work the first time around, will be waiting just around the corner.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Many thanks for the hasty reply, Geisha.

 

I am truly not interested in a friendship by any means and will not hesitate to burn the bridges if that's what she really wants, you know?

 

I know what I just said doesnt make much of a difference in this topic, but I just wanted to clarify that. No friends for me.

 

Tried talking to my first love after we broke up about 2 years ago, and it turned out nasty as hell. Won't ever walk that path again.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Many thanks for the hasty reply, Geisha.

 

I am truly not interested in a friendship by any means and will not hesitate to burn the bridges if that's what she really wants, you know?

 

I know what I just said doesnt make much of a difference in this topic, but I just wanted to clarify that. No friends for me.

 

Tried talking to my first love after we broke up about 2 years ago, and it turned out nasty as hell. Won't ever walk that path again.

 

 

And thank you too motive.

 

It hasn't been years but I've grown more in the past few weeks than I have in the past 10 years. Every minute of every day felt like a year in itself. I have explored the deepest depths of my mind with a ship I don't ever care to sail on again if I don't have to. I've changed as much as possible and can give her a better me. Is it not worth persuing?

[Ronni_W]

I gave her NC because I knew it was my best shot.

And now she seems to have complied

That makes it sound as if you've been using NC just to manipulate/control her -- was that part of why she needed to take a break from you?

 

It ain't gonna work the 2nd time 'round, either, if you still hang on to your old attitudes and habits that led to her needing time apart.

 

Also, if you guys do get back together, is to work out how she can maintain her own space and have her "me time" as part of the normal relationship -- was it that you were too needy/clingy/jealous (too high maintenance)?

 

In the next go round, how are you gonna support and encourage her individual needs and desires?

 

Of course, goes both ways -- you EACH need to help the other maintain your separate identities, pursue your individual goals, and fulfill your personal (non-relationship) obligations, as well.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Sorry ronni when I said she seems to have complied, I'm referring to how many times ive seen people on this site talk about using NC to get back the girl they love. In fact, the first 3 times I've ever seen NC mentioned here, it was to represent using it to have a chance to get back with your ex. It's only been extremely recently that I've seen people talk about using NC just to heal.

 

Because everyone said you will only make things worse if you cling to the girl and keep talking to her after a break up. So I took that advice and cut off all contact in hopes that I'd get her back. Please don't be so harsh and quick to assume the worst in people.

 

I agree with the other things you've said, and I take them to heart and will think very deeply about them

[motive2002]

Well, if you really want to try again, be prepared to take things really slow. Give her a lot of space. Get less serious about things in a big hurry, don't let your emotions get the best of you and don't put any pressure on her about anything.

 

If you interrogate her about the relationship and where it's going she will tire of it very quickly.. especially now since she's been asking for space and breaking things off.

You would be wise to become the cool collected person she had the hots for in the first place, but I gotta tell you, it's a very hard thing to pull off if you're emotionally charged up with fear, anxiety, and worry that you'll lose her.

 

Also, try to be honest with yourself and your gut feeling. Is the ship really sinking? Are you in denial about it?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Thanks again motive for the intelligent reply. I understand where you are coming from and appreciate the viewpoint.

 

I certainly agree with taking things slowly. That is absolutely the best mode of action when trying to rekindle lost love. I personally believe you have to definitely learn to love eachother again. You can't, in my opinion, just go back to loving eachother again like nothing happened. You must, as I said I believe, start from scratch with hopes just like you did in the very beginning.

 

As for if its a sinking ship... this is hard to answer. I gave her a lot to hold onto, like telling her how I miss her and love her, and am doing well with myself and am not desperate by any means. But I told her I have a lot of good news to share with her when I see her (and this is the TRUTH, not some kind of bait). I told her I'd share a lot of good, non selfish things when I see her again.

 

I have not given her the impression I am clingy. I have not given her the impression I need her. (This is the hardest, because deep down I feel like I do). I AM okay being single (or about 70% of me is).

 

 

I just don't know. What the hell can you really do when you're in a traumatizing situation? There's no easy answer.

 

And once again, I was under the impression people used NC not to just heal, but to have a chance of getting back together. I wasn't manipulating her, and it's offensive to my sensibilities that ronni would insinuate that type of thing.

[Ronni_W]

I wasn't manipulating her, and it's offensive to my sensibilities that ronni would insinuate that type of thing.

Tom, it was not my intention to offend you -- how you expressed it made it SOUND AS IF that could have been your intention...not WAS THE FACT OF what was going on for you. I was telling you how what you said came across to me...through my filters, from my experience.

 

It is good news that the only problem is a difference between your words and my interpretation of them.

 

But. For ALL those who use NC to (try to) get a reconciliation...that is using a tool/technique to try to influence the ex's actions to match own desires, which is manipulative.

 

Same as if I withdraw cos my b/f won't take me to the movies...I am using my silence (NC) to try to manipulate him into doing what I want, instead of what he wants.