Ayemtee Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 7 months now. We're doing fine but one thing I've noticed twice now is the way she acts when my job gets in the way of things. 1st time: It was a saturday, and we had plans to go out that night. My job calls me up and tells me I have to come in and close for someone that night. I told her and she did not take it lightly. She hit me with a barrage of slander and insults, then jumping to say that she's second in my life and that she needs a man who can make her his number one priority in his life. Now keep in mind, when my job calls me up to have me come in, I have no choice, I am on a 3 month probation. Its either go in or get fired. I skip classes, I used to skip out of work until I got in trouble, I hardly see friends or family just to be with her, so I don't know why or how she figures she's not the biggest priority in my life right now. After alot of arguing I got her to come to her senses and she apologized saying she was acting like a bitch and she realizes that sometimes I have no choice but to get stuff done rather than see her. Onto the next incident: #2: Today, another saturday, we had plans to see each other tonight. Again, my job calls me and needs me to come in and close tonight. I tell her, and expecting her to be a bit more mature about it, she's even worse. Telling me things like "you're ****ed up" "i cant deal with this, im out" "*******" "we had plans and you chose work over me" I mean wtf man, I have no choice, and I've told her this time and time again but all she seems to have going through her head is that I chose to work over seeing her. Its like she doesn't remember all the things I've done in the past just to see her for 2 hours. What would make me change that? I'd still do it if I could, but I can't anymore. So all input and criticism is welcome, but I'm really looking for a woman's point of view because I have no idea where all this anger is coming from if she already knows the deal. Also do I have to be worried about her finding her attention needs met elsewhere? Lemme know what you guys and gals think.
Geishawhelk Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 On the one hand, you shouldn't be working in a job that controls you even when you're not in work, or scheduled to be there. You're a patsy if people can just call you out of the blue and say "you have to go in and close"... and having to skip classes is just a bad idea. This said, I obviously don't know what you do, but if it's a "life-saving" job, where there's a dependency on you for safety and well-being, then she a;lso needs to understand that while she IS number one in your life, sometimes duty calls. Unless, of course, she actually isn't the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with..... And if she isn't, oir you can't see yourself with her, even 6 months down the line..... then...... what are you doing with her, now?
Author Ayemtee Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 This is where I'm confused. When we first got into an argument over this, I made it clear that she is number one in my life, and she confirmed it and apologized. So why should we be fighting about this again? No the job isn't what you just described, but it is a job, and they're hard to come by right now. But I kinda dug myself into a hole buy skippin out of work, faking illnesses just to be with her. I got caught and was put on a 3 month probation. I was told that in order for my employment NOT to be terminated, I needed to show reliability and assertiveness to work. When my job calls me up as their last resort to close, and they know its my day off, it puts me on the spot. I really wanted to see my girlfriend tonight and I told them I had plans but they dismissed it and said they have nobody else to call, what should I have done? What I wanna know is if I was in the wrong? Or if anyone knows or can relate to what my girlfriend is feeling? I'd like to spend my life with her, she's very dear to me but right now I want to fix this problem and get to the root of why she is so upset especially when she knows my choices are slim to none. I'm not looking to break up with her or anything similar, I just want some more experienced input and help.
Ronni_W Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Given that you are on probation, you did the right thing -- you do need to protect your source of income. Unfortunately, though, that does put you at the mercy and whim of your employer...at least until you've passed probation. Her lack of understanding of your current, temporary work circumstance is one issue. That you acted irresponsibly towards your job in the first place, just to be with her, is another issue. (You allowed your priorities to get all messed up.) If it was on her instigation or insistence would be a third issue. (You allowed her to control/manipulate you into jeopardizing your job...something rather foolish, yes?) No matter what the job, sometimes it is necessary to demonstrate loyalty, collaboration, team spirit and all of that...sometimes at odd hours or inconvenient times. Most adults do understand that. In your situation, obviously it could happen that they call you in on every one of your supposedly "off" shifts. If your g/f isn't also understanding and accepting that...can you say "high drama, high maintenance"? Cos that's what you've got on your hands, sad to say. And in which case, you can likely expect numerous fights and arguments about the very same thing (whatever it may be.) When she's not getting her own way, she'll do a bit of drama about it.
Author Ayemtee Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 You know, not once did she sympathize for me when I told her. No "oh baby sorry to hear that" "oh jeez that sucks baby" All I got was a the finger of blame shoved down my throat along with some slander and swearing.
Walk Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 What I wanna know is if I was in the wrong? Or if anyone knows or can relate to what my girlfriend is feeling? I'm a woman. You're not wrong. You've explained your situation clearly to your gf already, and she expressed back that she understood what you were saying. For her to blow up again as though your previous conversation never happened is... well, crazy. Your gf doesn't have a job, does she? Because anyone who's ever worked to keep a roof over their head, or food in their belly, would NEVER throw a tantrum of such magnitude about you being called in to work on short notice. It does suck to have to cancel plans, it's disappointing, but it was uncalled for to flip out and scream at you for it. I can't stress this enough, but take care of yourself first. Do what it takes to keep this job. I'd also sit your gf down and tell her very bluntly that if she can't handle that you have to work in order to purchase those nice trinkets you get her, then she can go find someone else. Don't be a sap and apologize for doing what you have to do to make ends meet. Be strong about it. She's throwing a tantrum hoping you'll cave and give her your undevoted attention. She's not being supportive of your needs, or even compasionate about what you're going through. Being called to work at the last minute SUCKS! I've been there. I hated it. I would've taken the head off of any man who yelled at me in that situation. I would've de-nutted him, and then drug my pitiful ass into work so I could pay my bills. And last... if you don't show her where the limits are, then she'll keep pushing for more. Which you'd probably be happy to give to her because you sound like a really great guy, but she'll lose respect for you. And once she loses respect, then she'll dump you.
Author Ayemtee Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 How do I do this without coming off as offensive or controlling? She is to say the least, aggressive naturally. Any type of help or criticism of her character is taken offensively and often sparks even more anger, more so from her side of the table. I'm not a push over, far from it. I just would like to avoid raising my voice and using vulgar language to have my opinions heard and considered.
Author Ayemtee Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Well after she finally contacted me I kinda blew up. Not so much over the phone but through txt because I really didn't feel like bein bothered by her on the phone. There was lots of swearing and disrespect from both sides. She said I always make our fights about me and that I never make things better. I dunno, at this point I don't care anymore. She's turning this whole thing around on me and I did nothing wrong from the get go so she can cry and say whatever she wants, I just don't give a **** anymore.
Author Ayemtee Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 I talked with my GF this morning. We got into a huge argument last night over the work thing and I pretty much ignored her for the sake of my sanity. She called me in the morning and we got into a fight again. She doesn't see things from my point of view. To her, I chose to work over seeing her. That's all she sees. I try and break the situation down for her, I mean really dumb it down to like 1st grader material but she wont budge. All that comes out of her mouth is that she isn't important to me, and that the whole argument is my fault. I tried to tell her that if she wasn't being so irrational the whole argument would've never taken place, but its like programmed in her brain to put all the blame on me. I really don't know what to do man. If I ignore this situation it'll only come up again in the future. What do I say to her to make her understand? And yes she does have a job. I went a week without seeing her once because she chose to pick up a beastly work schedule. She told me after it was a done deal but I didn't sweat it, I know she's a working female with duties to fulfill. But when it comes to me, I'm supposed to drop everything I'm doing just to be with her. Even duties that HAVE to be fulfilled or else.... Wtf is wrong with her?
You'reasian Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 If you love your job and enjoy what you are doing, not to mention responsibilities with it, then you need to explain to her that she may not be suitable for you, due to circumstances beyond her.
Ronni_W Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 What do I say to her to make her understand? From what you've posted, you've done all you can to facilitate her understanding. As I see it, it is now about you deciding if this is the kind of attitude and behaviour that you want to experience, on a more or less consistent basis, in your love relationship.
Walk Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 To her, I chose to work over seeing her. That's all she sees. I try and break the situation down for her, I mean really dumb it down to like 1st grader material but she wont budge. All that comes out of her mouth is that she isn't important to me, and that the whole argument is my fault. I tried to tell her that if she wasn't being so irrational the whole argument would've never taken place, but its like programmed in her brain to put all the blame on me. I really don't know what to do man. If I ignore this situation it'll only come up again in the future. Sounds like you tried to explain the situation to her as well as you could. Just a couple of things I'd like to point out though. When telling someone that they are being irrational it causes a person to feel as though their feelings and thoughts were dismissed as "crazy talk". It dismisses their view point. It invalidates them. Which usually causes a person to become more entrenched in their defensive stance. It ensures that no communication will take place. Your gf's rational side shut off and she's no longer speaking to you from her brain. Also, when you said the argument never would've happened if not for her, it would also push her into a more defensive stance. Which would stop any real communication from occuring. Not that you weren't right about it... but it's not conducive to effective communication. What do I say to her to make her understand? Basically, I think you'd be better off setting aside your anger and pride right now. You know your gf is being an irrational explative about this. Take the higher road in order to get back to a place where the two of you can communicate rationally. You shouldn't fold on the work issue, but you would have to be willing to set aside your anger, frustration, and wounded pride in order to get back to a place where the both of you can talk calmly about the issue. Right now, both of you are stuck in a defensive stance with no way to back down gracefully. One thing I've learned about arguing, and I have tons of experience, is that usually the biggest thing to lead to these huge blow outs is that neither of you feel like you're being heard. Someone has to give first. If you love this girl, then just listen to her first. Ask questions. Reiterate what she said. Draw her out so she can explain herself fully. 9 times out of 10 whatever issue caused the argument is probably not the issue both of you think you're fighting about. She probably has some deep rooted fear of abandonment. Her anger at you is most likely triggered by an underlying fear that she's too scared to tell you about. The more you fight, the bigger the distance between you becomes, and the less likely she is to open up and share her fears with you. I know that's not easy to do, but I've always gotten the greatest results approaching issues that way. Even when my H and I are fighting so badly that we're ready to shred the marriage certificate. It's just that sometimes you have to set aside your anger for the greater good of the relationship. Just to get it back to a place where each of you can discuss what's really going on, rather then shouting at walls for hours.
mental_traveller Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Have you levelled with her about your job demands? If you've told her you often have to go at short notice, so it'll affect your dating & social life, then you have been open about it and she shouldn't act rude to you about it. She could feel disappointed, but should not swear at you like that. However, if you led her to believe you would be available, then she'll have the expectation that when you make a date, it's a date and you'll be there and not run off at short notice. In that case, you'd be at fault for not letting her know the score, and she'd have some right to be angry. So which is it - did you put your cards on the table and tell her the situation truthfully? Or has this come as a big surprise to her? If you were open about it, then she is basically being a bitch IMO. For a laugh, you could call her one day and say "Hi honey, great news! I decided you were right, I'm going to put you #1 in my life from now on. So I quit this job and am interviewing for burger flipper at McDonalds next week. That way I'll have plenty of time to see you. Isn't that great? So, when would you like to meet?" Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know
mental_traveller Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I talked with my GF this morning. We got into a huge argument last night over the work thing and I pretty much ignored her for the sake of my sanity. She called me in the morning and we got into a fight again. She doesn't see things from my point of view. To her, I chose to work over seeing her. That's all she sees. I try and break the situation down for her, I mean really dumb it down to like 1st grader material but she wont budge. All that comes out of her mouth is that she isn't important to me, and that the whole argument is my fault. I tried to tell her that if she wasn't being so irrational the whole argument would've never taken place, but its like programmed in her brain to put all the blame on me. I really don't know what to do man. If I ignore this situation it'll only come up again in the future. What do I say to her to make her understand? And yes she does have a job. I went a week without seeing her once because she chose to pick up a beastly work schedule. She told me after it was a done deal but I didn't sweat it, I know she's a working female with duties to fulfill. But when it comes to me, I'm supposed to drop everything I'm doing just to be with her. Even duties that HAVE to be fulfilled or else.... Wtf is wrong with her? Ok so she's just a spoiled, selfish bitch. Why are you with her, remind me? Supermodel looks? Porn star bedroom abilities? Big inheritance? C'mon dude, you are wasting your time here. My advice - pull the "I quit to flip burgers" line just to have a story to tell your friends And then dump her.
mental_traveller Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 When telling someone that they are being irrational it causes a person to feel as though their feelings and thoughts were dismissed as "crazy talk". It dismisses their view point. It invalidates them. Which usually causes a person to become more entrenched in their defensive stance. If they don't like it, maybe they should try not to act so irrationally in future? The problem is in their behaviour, not in someone else telling the truth about it.
portcitykitty Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Sorry to hear your gf is being a pain. I'm in a similar situation with my bf...he's got the demanding job, works all the time, hardly has time for me, while I have a part-time job, with lots of time on my hands, but I am nothing like your gf! I'm a very understanding person, and I understand my bf's situation with his work, although I get so sad and disappointed when he can't meet up with me. If I express my sadness, he gets a little upset because me feeling that way makes him feel bad. So, I've been trying to get better about it, and not sound so down when I can't see him. He's told me the deal several times about his situation with his jobs (he has 2, works every single day), and that he has bills to pay, and that nobody's gonna pay them but him, so he has to work, as well as catch up on sleep when he can, and he apologizes for not having much time to spend with me. I do honestly understand that his work is his #1 priority right now, but it does put a strain on the relationship because we hardly get to see each other. But when we do finally get together, it's sooooo nice and well worth the wait! I hope things work out for you, for the best.
Author Ayemtee Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 We did have plans that day but she knows sometimes work can pop up. Its not like I planned the day knowing my job would interfere, and thats how she acted.
portcitykitty Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 We did have plans that day but she knows sometimes work can pop up. Its not like I planned the day knowing my job would interfere, and thats how she acted. Yeah I hate that she's acting like that. Sometimes, depending on my hormones around that time, I feel like I could burst into a tantrum at my bf over his schedule, but I stop and realize that acting like that would only make matters worse, so I try to be reasonable. I'm telling you, it's tuff!
Author Ayemtee Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Yeah I hate that she's acting like that. Sometimes, depending on my hormones around that time, I feel like I could burst into a tantrum at my bf over his schedule, but I stop and realize that acting like that would only make matters worse, so I try to be reasonable. I'm telling you, it's tuff! You know Portcitykitty, the big plus out of this like you've mentioned before, it makes the time we do get together so soo soooooo good, its almost surreal. And the make up sex?! She goes to sleep right ontop of my snoring ass.
portcitykitty Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 You know Portcitykitty, the big plus out of this like you've mentioned before, it makes the time we do get together so soo soooooo good, its almost surreal. And the make up sex?! She goes to sleep right ontop of my snoring ass. Can I get an AMEN?! Absence really makes the heart grow fonder...at least it does mine! Yeah, with the sex, it's the other way around for me...his snoring ass falls asleep on me! haha It's all good though, I don't mind at all...bless his poor tired heart!
Dexter Morgan Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 1st time: It was a saturday, and we had plans to go out that night. My job calls me up and tells me I have to come in and close for someone that night. I told her and she did not take it lightly. She hit me with a barrage of slander and insults, then jumping to say that she's second in my life and that she needs a man who can make her his number one priority in his life. Well, thats a fine ideal for her to envision if she didn't ever want to eat, go out, and have a roof over her head. So all input and criticism is welcome, but I'm really looking for a woman's point of view because I have no idea where all this anger is coming from if she already knows the deal. You don't need a woman's point of view to see that she is a spoiled brat that doesn't understand that you have responsibilities. Also do I have to be worried about her finding her attention needs met elsewhere? No, not if you dump her.
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