Gunny376 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 You've got to come up with a macro/strategic plan and a micro/tactical, with the former encompassing the long term and big picture, and the later ecompassing the latter. Don't deal in absolutes, be flexable. While NC/LC may be an absolute goal long term, it may not be substainable day to day in your long term goal of protecting financial assets. You've got to think in abstract and multi-faceted terms. So meeting her immediate financial needs may be an appeasement to meeting your long term financial goals and needs. That said, you have to be very careful, because what you do or say during pre-divorce often sets precedent post-divorce.
Author Gowithflow Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 GoFlow- I hear you on the NC/LC part. It's good for healing us emotionally but the separation causes them to realize that they truly ARE on their own. And the easiest way out is to go after the low hanging fruit (401's and anything else they can get their hands on). Even though they say they won't I'm not so sure it will end up this way. I am experiencing the exact same thing with my STBXW. I'll let post back if I get any update and hopefully it will give you some insight. I wish I had more advice for you on this. Hang tight... All if have on the 401k is her word so far. That's why I'm sorta scared. The D papers were served 2 days ago. I have 28 days to see what transpires. Hanging tight! Ugh!
Author Gowithflow Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 My friend, your daughter should stay with you!!! You should have full custody of her!! Go see a lawyer and make this battle for your daughter your #1 priority!! I would rather the D4 have a mom and a dad regardless if we are together or not. My goal is not to take daughter away from STBXW. she is a good mom and a daughter needs that. If something were to happen to the ex, then for sure I would stake on the 100% custody, but divorce should not rob the child of either parent. Once the D is final, I will re establish my home situation, (as in solid GF to share in activities). right now it's mostly just daddy/daughter when I have her and as a only child she needs more than that in my opinion. Still adjusting for sure, but it's been a great experience bonding in new ways with my little one so that's the upside. I'm also proving to myself and others that I'm not the self centered person that the ex has portrayed me as for the past year or so.
Author Gowithflow Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 You've got to come up with a macro/strategic plan and a micro/tactical, with the former encompassing the long term and big picture, and the later ecompassing the latter. Don't deal in absolutes, be flexable. While NC/LC may be an absolute goal long term, it may not be substainable day to day in your long term goal of protecting financial assets. You've got to think in abstract and multi-faceted terms. So meeting her immediate financial needs may be an appeasement to meeting your long term financial goals and needs. That said, you have to be very careful, because what you do or say during pre-divorce often sets precedent post-divorce. Gunny, You know exactly what I'm talking about on this one. NC/LC is great, but the timing could not be worse. The main thing I need to avoid is the "cold shoulder" until the terms of the D are settled. This is what's twisting me up as bad as the OM or affair. I hate to be burned, and this could be a triple whammy. The funny thing right now is that I have had a woman over my house who wanted to spend the night but I had to tell her to leave because the ex insisted on dropping off my daughter in the morning and I did not want to risk a confrontation. All this even though she is the one with the boyfriend from the affair not me! The more time that goes by the more I want this to be done and settled. The first month after the affair was the worst for sure, but this is a different kind of stress that is just as real and perhaps even more worrysome if there's a wife that has no real cash on hand, (desparate).
Gunny376 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Be careful of setting high and noble goals in regards to the STBXW in regards to DD4, they could potentially come back to bite you in the azz. She's the one that had the affair, and although she may be a good mom to DD4, she's also a lying, cheating "ho" who put another man before her DD4, her husband, her marriage, her family, her vows to "Honor and cherish" forever. You are not dealing with a moral and ethical person who has your best interest (nor that of DD4) at heart ~ if she did she wouldn't have found herself in the arms of another man. There's a part of the brain, who's so purpose is to take any and all sensory data received through the five (six?) senses and asks but one question, "Is this a threat" And if its preceived as such the result is anger! Divorce is nothing but a threat on many different levels. Mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. You my friend are walking the thin razor edge in a tiger's cage, and you're the mouse! The decisions you make now, will affect you (and by default DD4) for years to come. Especially now in these tough economic times, when 401K have been turned into "101K's" You have got to be extra vigilent and careful what you do now in the "seperation" phase for will dictate where you will find yourself post-divorced. Referance the recent divorce case in CA, where a husband and wife were married 15+ and jointly owned a real estate brokerage. The marriage started heading "south" and the husband suspected an affair, (all the signs were there) hired a PI. After months of surrvelance, the PI reported back that all he could find was the DW going to work, home, and hanging out with her BF/GF. They got a divorce, he bought her out of the house and the business, but was ordered to pay 2500 a month in alimony. Post-divorce it was discoverd that the BF/GF was her girlfriend as in they moved in together and were living together as husband & wife. The former husband took her back to court and argued that she was in "effect" re-married and that he shouldn't have to continue to pay alimony. The case went before the CA supreme court that ruled that under CA law he had to continue to pay alimony until the former wife either died or married a man.
Author Gowithflow Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Be careful of setting high and noble goals in regards to the STBXW in regards to DD4, they could potentially come back to bite you in the azz. She's the one that had the affair, and although she may be a good mom to DD4, she's also a lying, cheating "ho" who put another man before her DD4, her husband, her marriage, her family, her vows to "Honor and cherish" forever. You are not dealing with a moral and ethical person who has your best interest (nor that of DD4) at heart ~ if she did she wouldn't have found herself in the arms of another man. There's a part of the brain, who's so purpose is to take any and all sensory data received through the five (six?) senses and asks but one question, "Is this a threat" And if its preceived as such the result is anger! Divorce is nothing but a threat on many different levels. Mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. You my friend are walking the thin razor edge in a tiger's cage, and you're the mouse! The decisions you make now, will affect you (and by default DD4) for years to come. Especially now in these tough economic times, when 401K have been turned into "101K's" You have got to be extra vigilent and careful what you do now in the "seperation" phase for will dictate where you will find yourself post-divorced. Referance the recent divorce case in CA, where a husband and wife were married 15+ and jointly owned a real estate brokerage. The marriage started heading "south" and the husband suspected an affair, (all the signs were there) hired a PI. After months of surrvelance, the PI reported back that all he could find was the DW going to work, home, and hanging out with her BF/GF. They got a divorce, he bought her out of the house and the business, but was ordered to pay 2500 a month in alimony. Post-divorce it was discoverd that the BF/GF was her girlfriend as in they moved in together and were living together as husband & wife. The former husband took her back to court and argued that she was in "effect" re-married and that he shouldn't have to continue to pay alimony. The case went before the CA supreme court that ruled that under CA law he had to continue to pay alimony until the former wife either died or married a man. Wow. Thanks for the heads up. There's all kinds of divorce horror stories. I have a good buddy who's wife left a few years ago. He was paying court ordered alimony, but ahe moved in with a boyfriend, (not married, but romantically involved), and the court counted that as a domestic partnership and severed the alimony! I know someone else who has a few bucks from a family business, wife was not involved with the business, paying 10K per month in alimony / child support. The "child" is now 22 uears old, but slightly retarded and that counts as disabled so he pays indefinatly. The divorce has been in court for 5 years so far and is still not settled. CA is so screwed up. You never know what the judge is going to do or say. Plus, they always favor the woman. At least I'm debt free at the moment and I live within my means. I'm hoping for no real change of lifestyle from this point forward. I have no real savings other than the 101k. If the stbxw wants to go balistic on me she still will not get much. Plus, the common rule for alimony in CA is 1/2 the time you were married, or in my case 2.5 yrs. I can live with that. I feel for those in more difficult situations than I.
Author Gowithflow Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 Well, it's been a while since I posted. I've maintained very limited contact with the stbxw, but it has not been real easy. I served the D papers on 1/9. She obviously has no clue as to what happens next. We've just been limiting our conversations to our daughters needs so very little discussion on the D subject. So I have my daughter this weekend. The stbxw just dropped her off. She said something about meeting with a woman's advocate group that gives divorce advice. I told her to just figure out what she wants out of this divorce. in other words, is she going to want to take me to court? I guess I'm ok with that, but I'm not just going to lay down and give up anything without a clear agreement of what is expected of me. She will need to make some effort to find out what she has coming to her I suppose. This needs to happen soon because she needs to respond to the divirce papers by 2/8. Anyway, her remarks to me tonight were along the lines of "why are you sneering at me?", and "you filed the papers when there were still ripples of emotions" WTF???? I just said "look I filed because i don't trust you. Period." I also mentioned the fact that before I filed she told me she is on a "higher level" with the OM. She left at that point. Nothing has changed. I still miss being married and all of that. She looked good, blah blah blah, but I can't wait until all of this is final, AND I hope some of this crap sinks in to her brain at some point and her conscience actually hits her in some sort of way. I also wonder if I'll ever come face to face with the OM. I've thought about this over and over. I wonder who would win in a fight. I've even been training in Krav Maga pretty heavily over the past three weeks. Friend got me into it. It's an intense workout and they train you how to street fight. Great therapy!! I'm not going to start a fight, but I do want to make sure I'm still able to finish one! Of course you can say that we aren't supposed to be concerned about the ex or OM, but to be honest, I hope they pay in some way. I'm seeing a counselor, but I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my money. I get the feeling she thinks I'm some sort of freak. I told her she should start reading LS. I doubt I'll go back to her I slept with my old GF again a couple nights ago. Not planned out. She just came over to hang out and play music. "it got late". Plus it was raining. Nothing big. Still too soon for us both I suppose. I made no moves. I don't really want to repeat history with her. Great chemestry, but we fought a lot when we were a couple. Was nice to be close at least. Still felt like I was doing something wrong. Been on a couple more dates with others. Just keeping my options open at this point. It's a lot of stress. Never really able to relax w/o thinking of my problems, but getting better. I've been following along with ya'll. It helps!
BackonTrack2 Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Anyway, her remarks to me tonight were along the lines of "why are you sneering at me?", and "you filed the papers when there were still ripples of emotions" WTF???? I just said "look I filed because i don't trust you. Period." I also mentioned the fact that before I filed she told me she is on a "higher level" with the OM. Hey dude, looks like your staying strong, looks like the Ex wife is having doubts now..... You don't care.... Its getting to her... Anyway, I was wondering what happen to you, please keep us updated. It also looks like she is trying to pro-long the divorce.... Looks like she is delaying, maybe reality is finally hitting her... Keep us updated... PS, you are the man.
Sands_of_time Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Well, it's been a while since I posted. I've maintained very limited contact with the stbxw, but it has not been real easy. I served the D papers on 1/9. She obviously has no clue as to what happens next. We've just been limiting our conversations to our daughters needs so very little discussion on the D subject. I slept with my old GF again a couple nights ago. Not planned out. She just came over to hang out and play music. "it got late". Plus it was raining. Nothing big. Still too soon for us both I suppose. I made no moves. I don't really want to repeat history with her. Great chemestry, but we fought a lot when we were a couple. Was nice to be close at least. Still felt like I was doing something wrong. Been on a couple more dates with others. Just keeping my options open at this point. It's a lot of stress. Never really able to relax w/o thinking of my problems, but getting better.I've been following along with ya'll. It helps! Good for you, GWTF. I know what you mean about still feeling like you are doing something wrong. WTF...lol! In the grand scheme of things I would rather feel this little bit of guilt than be back to the feelings I had in months 1 and 2. In fact, I'd sign up for Chinese Water Torture (google it--it's crazy stuff) before going back to 1 and 2. Keep up the good work and keep tripping and falling all over the pretty ones.
MomN2Plus1 Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I am so sorry your hard work was never appreicated. I have been cheated on my my husband also (seperated in the same house on Friday) but I overlooked his cheating and lying and tried to move on. Now that his depression is lifting and he's finds he can be happy- he has decided he does not need me anymore and that without the big paycheck I used to bring in- I am of no use to him (but he still wants me to clean, cook and take care of him) how sad people just think of relationships as disposable!
imagine Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Hi again GWF, Honestly if you were to be more relaxed with Mrs GWF you may serve better purpose for your self. Had you read Marriagebuilders.com articles and used plan A and B, this exercise may well have been completed towards a healthy remarriage. I don't think that you have read what has happened here. The setup may well become yet another wasted remarriage with another untenable partner. Yes she did want a partner. You did not offer. Learn to rebuild a marriage. Whether it works or not.
Author Gowithflow Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 [FONT=Arial]I’m familiar with A&B. However, at this stage it’s not really a matter of rebuilding. More like disassociation. I no longer trust my STBXW. How could I? I found out way too many things the hard way, and that has caused me an extra amount of grief. As mentioned earlier, it’s like a slow torture. Now, I realize the full impact of the ex’s decisions to go have an affair, lie about it, and involve my daughter, (plus many of her friends), behind my back. Yes, the divorce stuff is still tricky, and I try my hardest not to show any emotion whatsoever. But, it’s not easy because the waves of emotion that I am still dealing with are very real, and are a result of the collapse of my marriage. [/FONT] Here’s a short list of what emotions I’m talking about- 1) Anger – Yes, I’m still very pissed off that things wound up the way they have. I’m mostly pissed that I was lied to and cheated by the one who I trusted the most, but I’m also pissed at the OM for going after a married woman. They both downplayed the whole affair, plus the stbxw seems to get some strange sense of satisfaction out of the entire ordeal. Forking over cash to her makes me mad as well. Still not trying to show anger because it won’t help me or my daughter in any way shape or form. I’m practicing “anger management” on a daily basis :0 2) Fear – Being a single dad scares the hell out of me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m getting good at it so I think I’ll be ok. I’m also scared I’ll lose my job or be broke after all of the dust settles. I catch myself fearing growing old alone, but that’s gonna go away. 3) Remorse – This stems from some of the things I did during the marriage that were selfish. I was “king” in my own mind and that was the wrong way to be. I should have showed more interest in the ex. Oh well. I doubt I would ever be good enough in my situation. Still I feel this. 4) Guilt – From being away from home way too much. Job, plus trips with the boys. Wife and kid left behind. Thought it was “cool” at home. Guess not. Daughter ultimately pays the price. I hate that part of it. 5) Sense of loss – Family outings were always a blast. I was very proud and loved most parts of the family life. That’s gone. 7) Jealousy – Bothers me to think of the ex with another man while we were married. I believe this is natural and it too will pass. 6) Anxiety – This is the big one. I sometimes feel like my life is all screwed up and getting worse. This is the “roller coaster” feeling that comes and goes the most. I am finding ways to deal with it, and light medication has helped me a great deal. I go to counseling for an hour a week, but that’s not going that well and I think I need a new counselor. Seeing other women works for me and against me in this respect. Facing and talking to the ex increases the anxiety. D talk especially. I’m in my 4th week of martial arts training and it has done wonders to lighten the load.[/FONT] Anyway, I got into it with the ex over the phone a couple days ago. She called about D issues. She still has no clue. We argued. She of course started blaming me for everything. I asked her how she thinks it’s ok to start a extra marital romantic affair and involve a 4 year old? She replies “it is what it is”. I blew my stack at that point. Said F-you and hung up. Later than night I sent a text message because I need to be civil for my daughter’s sake, (no other reason). The text said “ Sorry. I still get emotional at times. I hope you understand why and know it will pass”. That’s all. And it will pass. My progress is good, but has been somewhat delayed by her lies and her involving my daughter. So, she replies with a rare email- (remember, she called me and started in) Got your apology but sorry to say it hurt probably more than you know to have you react like that. I know why you are the way you are regarding all this but...at this point I maybe think that us not talking would be better because all of this and your hurtfull words are killing me. And unless you want that ,keep it up. The stress is too much for me. I have lots to say but one thing is that you are pushing me to the point of just saying I dont want a thing from you not ever and keep your money and I will look into wellfare and go that route with Madeline. If thats what works best for you fine. You have ALWAYS gotten your way in every way so I dont expect any different from you now. My input never meant **** and my wants never mattered. So be it. As for tomorrow there is no need for us to meet and do any mediation right now and you can call me later and arrange to pick Madeline up. She will be with me for the day, obviously go to school on thursday and friday because I have switched my days. If you need to reach me call but dont bother emailing because I am not on the computer as frequently as I should be. As you can see, there is nothing but blame. No indication of responsibility for her own actions. No mention of what’s best for our daughter. Just stabs at me, and a sad attempt at making me feel bad somehow. She works 3 days a week at a café / wine bar. She’s the one who is having the affair, lies constantly, refused counseling, involved our daughter, asked for a divorce. I was already practicing limited contact and it was working for me. I’m glad she now says that not talking would better as well, even though she presents it as a threat of some sort. Daughter’s birthday is this Sunday. Ex’s weekend with her. Sad indeed. I will show up for a short time then bail. She has until 2/9 to respond to the D papers I filed. She wanted me to go to mediation with her, but didn’t even make a appointment. I agreed to go, but It’s really not on me. I did my work getting the papers filed. Divorce is UGLY! Especially when dealing with one that cannot be trusted.
TrustInYourself Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 [FONT=Arial]I’m familiar with A&B. However, at this stage it’s not really a matter of rebuilding. More like disassociation. I no longer trust my STBXW. How could I? I found out way too many things the hard way, and that has caused me an extra amount of grief. As mentioned earlier, it’s like a slow torture. Now, I realize the full impact of the ex’s decisions to go have an affair, lie about it, and involve my daughter, (plus many of her friends), behind my back. Yes, the divorce stuff is still tricky, and I try my hardest not to show any emotion whatsoever. But, it’s not easy because the waves of emotion that I am still dealing with are very real, and are a result of the collapse of my marriage. [/FONT] Here’s a short list of what emotions I’m talking about- 1) Anger – Yes, I’m still very pissed off that things wound up the way they have. I’m mostly pissed that I was lied to and cheated by the one who I trusted the most, but I’m also pissed at the OM for going after a married woman. They both downplayed the whole affair, plus the stbxw seems to get some strange sense of satisfaction out of the entire ordeal. Forking over cash to her makes me mad as well. Still not trying to show anger because it won’t help me or my daughter in any way shape or form. I’m practicing “anger management” on a daily basis :0 2) Fear – Being a single dad scares the hell out of me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m getting good at it so I think I’ll be ok. I’m also scared I’ll lose my job or be broke after all of the dust settles. I catch myself fearing growing old alone, but that’s gonna go away. 3) Remorse – This stems from some of the things I did during the marriage that were selfish. I was “king” in my own mind and that was the wrong way to be. I should have showed more interest in the ex. Oh well. I doubt I would ever be good enough in my situation. Still I feel this. 4) Guilt – From being away from home way too much. Job, plus trips with the boys. Wife and kid left behind. Thought it was “cool” at home. Guess not. Daughter ultimately pays the price. I hate that part of it. 5) Sense of loss – Family outings were always a blast. I was very proud and loved most parts of the family life. That’s gone. 7) Jealousy – Bothers me to think of the ex with another man while we were married. I believe this is natural and it too will pass. 6) Anxiety – This is the big one. I sometimes feel like my life is all screwed up and getting worse. This is the “roller coaster” feeling that comes and goes the most. I am finding ways to deal with it, and light medication has helped me a great deal. I go to counseling for an hour a week, but that’s not going that well and I think I need a new counselor. Seeing other women works for me and against me in this respect. Facing and talking to the ex increases the anxiety. D talk especially. I’m in my 4th week of martial arts training and it has done wonders to lighten the load.[/FONT] Anyway, I got into it with the ex over the phone a couple days ago. She called about D issues. She still has no clue. We argued. She of course started blaming me for everything. I asked her how she thinks it’s ok to start a extra marital romantic affair and involve a 4 year old? She replies “it is what it is”. I blew my stack at that point. Said F-you and hung up. Later than night I sent a text message because I need to be civil for my daughter’s sake, (no other reason). The text said “ Sorry. I still get emotional at times. I hope you understand why and know it will pass”. That’s all. And it will pass. My progress is good, but has been somewhat delayed by her lies and her involving my daughter. So, she replies with a rare email- (remember, she called me and started in) Got your apology but sorry to say it hurt probably more than you know to have you react like that. I know why you are the way you are regarding all this but...at this point I maybe think that us not talking would be better because all of this and your hurtfull words are killing me. And unless you want that ,keep it up. The stress is too much for me. I have lots to say but one thing is that you are pushing me to the point of just saying I dont want a thing from you not ever and keep your money and I will look into wellfare and go that route with Madeline. If thats what works best for you fine. You have ALWAYS gotten your way in every way so I dont expect any different from you now. My input never meant **** and my wants never mattered. So be it. As for tomorrow there is no need for us to meet and do any mediation right now and you can call me later and arrange to pick Madeline up. She will be with me for the day, obviously go to school on thursday and friday because I have switched my days. If you need to reach me call but dont bother emailing because I am not on the computer as frequently as I should be. As you can see, there is nothing but blame. No indication of responsibility for her own actions. No mention of what’s best for our daughter. Just stabs at me, and a sad attempt at making me feel bad somehow. She works 3 days a week at a café / wine bar. She’s the one who is having the affair, lies constantly, refused counseling, involved our daughter, asked for a divorce. I was already practicing limited contact and it was working for me. I’m glad she now says that not talking would better as well, even though she presents it as a threat of some sort. Daughter’s birthday is this Sunday. Ex’s weekend with her. Sad indeed. I will show up for a short time then bail. She has until 2/9 to respond to the D papers I filed. She wanted me to go to mediation with her, but didn’t even make a appointment. I agreed to go, but It’s really not on me. I did my work getting the papers filed. Divorce is UGLY! Especially when dealing with one that cannot be trusted. Sucks. She sounds just as scared as you are.
Mountains10 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 [FONT=Arial]I’m familiar with A&B. However, at this stage it’s not really a matter of rebuilding. More like disassociation. I no longer trust my STBXW. How could I? I found out way too many things the hard way, and that has caused me an extra amount of grief. As mentioned earlier, it’s like a slow torture. Now, I realize the full impact of the ex’s decisions to go have an affair, lie about it, and involve my daughter, (plus many of her friends), behind my back. Yes, the divorce stuff is still tricky, and I try my hardest not to show any emotion whatsoever. But, it’s not easy because the waves of emotion that I am still dealing with are very real, and are a result of the collapse of my marriage. [/FONT] Here’s a short list of what emotions I’m talking about- 1) Anger – Yes, I’m still very pissed off that things wound up the way they have. I’m mostly pissed that I was lied to and cheated by the one who I trusted the most, but I’m also pissed at the OM for going after a married woman. They both downplayed the whole affair, plus the stbxw seems to get some strange sense of satisfaction out of the entire ordeal. Forking over cash to her makes me mad as well. Still not trying to show anger because it won’t help me or my daughter in any way shape or form. I’m practicing “anger management” on a daily basis :0 2) Fear – Being a single dad scares the hell out of me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m getting good at it so I think I’ll be ok. I’m also scared I’ll lose my job or be broke after all of the dust settles. I catch myself fearing growing old alone, but that’s gonna go away. 3) Remorse – This stems from some of the things I did during the marriage that were selfish. I was “king” in my own mind and that was the wrong way to be. I should have showed more interest in the ex. Oh well. I doubt I would ever be good enough in my situation. Still I feel this. 4) Guilt – From being away from home way too much. Job, plus trips with the boys. Wife and kid left behind. Thought it was “cool” at home. Guess not. Daughter ultimately pays the price. I hate that part of it. 5) Sense of loss – Family outings were always a blast. I was very proud and loved most parts of the family life. That’s gone. 7) Jealousy – Bothers me to think of the ex with another man while we were married. I believe this is natural and it too will pass. 6) Anxiety – This is the big one. I sometimes feel like my life is all screwed up and getting worse. This is the “roller coaster” feeling that comes and goes the most. I am finding ways to deal with it, and light medication has helped me a great deal. I go to counseling for an hour a week, but that’s not going that well and I think I need a new counselor. Seeing other women works for me and against me in this respect. Facing and talking to the ex increases the anxiety. D talk especially. I’m in my 4th week of martial arts training and it has done wonders to lighten the load.[/FONT] Anyway, I got into it with the ex over the phone a couple days ago. She called about D issues. She still has no clue. We argued. She of course started blaming me for everything. I asked her how she thinks it’s ok to start a extra marital romantic affair and involve a 4 year old? She replies “it is what it is”. I blew my stack at that point. Said F-you and hung up. Later than night I sent a text message because I need to be civil for my daughter’s sake, (no other reason). The text said “ Sorry. I still get emotional at times. I hope you understand why and know it will pass”. That’s all. And it will pass. My progress is good, but has been somewhat delayed by her lies and her involving my daughter. So, she replies with a rare email- (remember, she called me and started in) Got your apology but sorry to say it hurt probably more than you know to have you react like that. I know why you are the way you are regarding all this but...at this point I maybe think that us not talking would be better because all of this and your hurtfull words are killing me. And unless you want that ,keep it up. The stress is too much for me. I have lots to say but one thing is that you are pushing me to the point of just saying I dont want a thing from you not ever and keep your money and I will look into wellfare and go that route with Madeline. If thats what works best for you fine. You have ALWAYS gotten your way in every way so I dont expect any different from you now. My input never meant **** and my wants never mattered. So be it. As for tomorrow there is no need for us to meet and do any mediation right now and you can call me later and arrange to pick Madeline up. She will be with me for the day, obviously go to school on thursday and friday because I have switched my days. If you need to reach me call but dont bother emailing because I am not on the computer as frequently as I should be. As you can see, there is nothing but blame. No indication of responsibility for her own actions. No mention of what’s best for our daughter. Just stabs at me, and a sad attempt at making me feel bad somehow. She works 3 days a week at a café / wine bar. She’s the one who is having the affair, lies constantly, refused counseling, involved our daughter, asked for a divorce. I was already practicing limited contact and it was working for me. I’m glad she now says that not talking would better as well, even though she presents it as a threat of some sort. Daughter’s birthday is this Sunday. Ex’s weekend with her. Sad indeed. I will show up for a short time then bail. She has until 2/9 to respond to the D papers I filed. She wanted me to go to mediation with her, but didn’t even make a appointment. I agreed to go, but It’s really not on me. I did my work getting the papers filed. Divorce is UGLY! Especially when dealing with one that cannot be trusted. Why do they all say that, "you always got your way" or "you always have to have your way". Right, and if that was the case the marriage would've never happened or we wouldn't have stayed married for so long, geez the excuses for this behavior are always identical and from the same playbook. GWTF, sorry you're having so many issues. Very good post though.
Author Gowithflow Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Why do they all say that, "you always got your way" or "you always have to have your way". Right, and if that was the case the marriage would've never happened or we wouldn't have stayed married for so long, geez the excuses for this behavior are always identical and from the same playbook. GWTF, sorry you're having so many issues. Very good post though.When a man cheats it's the man's fault. When a woman cheats it's still the man's fault!
Mountains10 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 When a man cheats it's the man's fault. When a woman cheats it's still the man's fault! That was well said, I couldn't have said it better myself.
imagine Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 It is most definitely the hardest thing restoring this relationship. According to stats her affair has a 1% chance of staying married to this dude past the 5 year mark. A WW will always lie. Always. She is in a state of limerance, which means that she does believe that she loves him. You need to learn to control anger now and for any future marriage. How cool is that! You also need to arm yourself against the full wrath of any divorce activities that she might perform. Yes, get the details sorted via legal advice. But don't be part of it yourself. Resolve the anxiety, scared and especially the remorse. The position of being a good husband is definitely about effort. Their is no class in school but we do need to learn what we don't have if we are to make successful marriages. Get "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Harley. Even for your recovery position. Please note: I do not have the full knowledge of this books contents, but this is the most highly recommended volume.
toddro Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Wow just Wow...its almost like there is some female book out there that gets passed around when these girls reach a certain age..my story is almost the same as far as the excuses go, " It always had to be the way you wanted it" ; " I bent over backwards for you" ;" I molded myself for you" ; " Everything was fine a long as I was kissing your ass" BULL****!!! Never, not once did I ever resent or regret all of the things I did for her, not once. Taking care of her when she was sick, or after our kids were born. Working 50 and 60 hours a week at a night shift job and then coming home and letting her sleep in till noon. Everything and I mean Everything I did was never, never good enough...the laundry I did not do correctly and therefore I didn't care, the dishes, I dont know what food she likes, I dont know what size jeans she wears, I dont know this and I dont know that... Its all Bull**** man, you will get no credit for the million things that you did do, but every little mistake will be blown up like a billboard. Its all to make themselves feel justified for the affair.
Mountains10 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 It is most definitely the hardest thing restoring this relationship. According to stats her affair has a 1% chance of staying married to this dude past the 5 year mark. A WW will always lie. Always. She is in a state of limerance, which means that she does believe that she loves him. You need to learn to control anger now and for any future marriage. How cool is that! You also need to arm yourself against the full wrath of any divorce activities that she might perform. Yes, get the details sorted via legal advice. But don't be part of it yourself. Resolve the anxiety, scared and especially the remorse. The position of being a good husband is definitely about effort. Their is no class in school but we do need to learn what we don't have if we are to make successful marriages. Get "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Harley. Even for your recovery position. Please note: I do not have the full knowledge of this books contents, but this is the most highly recommended volume. Imagine's right, "Surviving An Affair" is a very good read. When I got the book I read it right thru about 75 pages straight. Then I came to a stopping point, I found it so hard to read because it was so accurate. At the time I had to stop reading, I don't think I had ever read something that was so dead on about my situation. It has some very good information, and I hope to finish reading it soon. I would recommend it as well.
Gunny376 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I'm eighteen years the otherside of a lying, cheating, two-timing, adulterous, selfish, self-centered, manipulative WW. This is doesn't so much have anything to do with what you did or didn't do? Whether you have children or not the best thing you can do is get the Hell out and get out now. Run Forrest Run! If you have chldren with these kind of women? Fight and I do mean fight for full custody. They will "bad-mouth" and run you down to their children for the rest of thier lives (even after you are dead and gone. These women didn't just make a mistake, they trip and fall on some other guys penis. They're immoral, corrupt, un-ethical, in-capable of taking personal responsiblity for their actions or anything negative that happens in their lives. Its always someone else's fault, they have a perpetual vicitim mentality, someone's always out to get them or is against them.
Author Gowithflow Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Daughter's 5th B-day party was on Superbowl Sunday. I got a call on Friday from the ex saying that she might not want me to be there because of our still recent argument over blame B.S. I just told her that I wanted to be there for our daughter and I would "be good". I hated to say it, but I wanted to be there for my daughter. The weather is perfect. Nice ocean view. Pony for the kids, and I know many of the people and kids that would be there. Problem for the ex is the fact that she invited all of her side of the family and none of mine. Fine. Anyway, I did not beg to go, but i did really want to be there. She lightened up. But, she had to call her mom to make sure she would still attend if I were to be there, (gimme a break!). The alternative would have been to pick her up after the party to spend the rest of the day with her, but I thought that would be selfish. Long story short, I'm glad I was there. My daughter was really glad to see me, and i did not make any waves. no mention of the D, and the ex was busy so we did not intermingle at all. I helped out with clean-up and split without incident. No emotions, no drama. I brought abunch of beer for the adults, but I did not indulge, (did not want to risk it). Gave my daughter some cool gifts. I left a B-day card for the ex as well to show I care about her role in bringing our daughter into the world, and for including me in the party. She appreciated that. It was no big deal. All in all it was a good day. Oh ya - I had a "good time" with a date the night before, and that definately helped my attitude I get my daughter tonight and i'll take her to my sister's house for more B-day stuff. I just told her it's her B-day week!! The ex still has one more week to respond to the D papers. We'll see how that one goes!
suzanne2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Wow...I am really impressed with how well you are handeling all of this. I have to say that I was inspired by your attiude. Keep up the good work. From what I hear, it will get easier
TrustInYourself Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Daughter's 5th B-day party was on Superbowl Sunday. I got a call on Friday from the ex saying that she might not want me to be there because of our still recent argument over blame B.S. I just told her that I wanted to be there for our daughter and I would "be good". I hated to say it, but I wanted to be there for my daughter. The weather is perfect. Nice ocean view. Pony for the kids, and I know many of the people and kids that would be there. Problem for the ex is the fact that she invited all of her side of the family and none of mine. Fine. Anyway, I did not beg to go, but i did really want to be there. She lightened up. But, she had to call her mom to make sure she would still attend if I were to be there, (gimme a break!). The alternative would have been to pick her up after the party to spend the rest of the day with her, but I thought that would be selfish. Long story short, I'm glad I was there. My daughter was really glad to see me, and i did not make any waves. no mention of the D, and the ex was busy so we did not intermingle at all. I helped out with clean-up and split without incident. No emotions, no drama. I brought abunch of beer for the adults, but I did not indulge, (did not want to risk it). Gave my daughter some cool gifts. I left a B-day card for the ex as well to show I care about her role in bringing our daughter into the world, and for including me in the party. She appreciated that. It was no big deal. All in all it was a good day. Oh ya - I had a "good time" with a date the night before, and that definately helped my attitude I get my daughter tonight and i'll take her to my sister's house for more B-day stuff. I just told her it's her B-day week!! The ex still has one more week to respond to the D papers. We'll see how that one goes! Sounds awesome man. I'm happy for you.
Author Gowithflow Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Thanks for the encouragment! It aint' easy. Picked up my daughter from pre school yesterday. Brought her home for a bit, then went to my sister's house for B-day party #2. It was a really good time. Ex called about some money related stuff, then sort of invited herself to come along to my sister's house. I told her she could go. She said she was going to take a nap and to call her. I knew she would not go, and she didn't. Her loss. I did not want any drama anyway. I baked a cake. It was gone! ex called again this morning for no special reason. She was being extra nice to me. i just wanted off the phone. I'm counting down the days until her response to the D papers. She has 6 more days to respond. Could be a battle if she wants it to be. We'll see. As much as I would like to get along, I do not trust the ex. How could I? I still dread the types of conversations we now have. She used to be fun to hang out with and all of that, but without trust there is no bond. sure, i think things can be cool on the surface, but I like to trust the people I associate with, and she's no longer one of them. Daughter wants us together, but that would take a miracle. She seems to be handling it ok so far. She tells me how much she loves me constantly, and that's good enough for me! Martial arts class 2 hours per day / 5 days per week has been my savior for the past 5 weeks. Highly recommend for anxiety remedy!
Billy Bob Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 ex called again this morning for no special reason. She was being extra nice to me. i just wanted off the phone. I'm counting down the days until her response to the D papers. She has 6 more days to respond. Could be a battle if she wants it to be. We'll see. My ex was in such a fog that she never responded to the divorce papers and I got what I wanted by her defaulting... of course I was terrified the entire time thinking she was consulting with lawyers, etc.. In reality she was just letting the papers collect dust.. distant memory for me know, that was over 2 years ago.. Life will get really good for you. Here it is 2.5 years after my divorce and I am remarried to a wonderful gal.. and had lots of fun out dating different gals while I was looking for wife #2! My ex-wife suggested getting back together a couple of times within the first year..hah! It's a hard adjustment being a "divorcee".. I always thought I would have a normal happy marriage.. I do now, but it is more complicated with step kids and ex's.. But life goes on.. enjoy it!
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