Another one bites the dust!

[TrustInYourself]

I see myself in your situation. I agree, there is hope. The issue is are you willing to forgive her, even if she doesn't deserve it?

 

No one is perfect, not you, or her, or me, or anyone.

 

I do not agree with the friend's stance because from your posts, I can see your wife values you. She wants you, but she's confused, in the fog of the affair, with this other man.

 

There are tactics to clear this fog/confusion and you are applying some, but not all.

 

With time and patience, I think you can reflect a bit more on what you want out of life. What you want for your daughter, etc.

 

I know the thrills of coming to the realization that life is out there for the taking. I had a hard time making the decision to give it another chance, once the wife came around. It's hard, especially to shake that feeling of betrayal. But something to consider is, your marriage could actually become stronger from this experience. Your perception of your wife could change, especially if she came to you asking for forgiveness. It's your choice though, if you choose to give her that chance.

 

I'm a believer in forgiving and second chances. That may not be the case for you.

[Gowithflow]

TIY / Imagine-

 

Thanks so much for the kind words. I guess I'm struggling in part to the holidays that are upon us. NC now would not be too good for the daughter. She has to come first. I'm really worried about feeling "dogged" , as my ego is already shredded enough lately. My counseller says to just be nice and there's no rush to do anything. Let myself mellow out some more. Stop worrying about the OM. There's nothing I can do except be nice when I'm around the wife.

 

Nevermind that that's totally awkward and weird now. Maybe there is hope, but not for a long time. I doubt I can wait around for that. I think she will do well with or without me or the OM. he has an excellent support group that cares deeply for her. They will go along with whatever decision she makes on her own.

 

She's going through major changes in her own personality, trying to "get her voice back", and Show our daughter what type of person she really is, because she was getting pretty depressed at home for the past year. Snapping at the daughter is one of the symptoms of that.

 

She seems like she's handling it all pretty well, and adjusting to the new life. Great new home. She needs to come to grips with what went down leading up to the separation, the lies, confusion, and all.

 

Not sure where I fit in anymore. It changes and morphs a lot lately, (understatement).

 

One thing that is for sure. I am out of the picture for the most part, and NC sounds very appealing as it has worked for me in past breakups.

 

I suppose right now I will consider it "limited contact with no show of emotion on my behalf". At least until after the holidays.

 

Does anyone happen to have an example of what a "plan B" letter should consist of? I want to be as prepared as possible for what I'm pretty sure needs to happen.

[TrustInYourself]

Check this link..

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

[Billy Bob]

Kudos on the phone tap.. else she would probably still be playing you. Was it on a land line? I used voice activated digital recorders in my seperation/divorce. Keyloggers on the PC are also a good idea. It would do a lot of guys good to actually know what really is going through their spouses minds.

 

In a year you won't want to ever reconcile with her.. why would you wan't to? She's a liar and a deciever, just her true colors.

 

Plenty of fish in the sea.

[Gowithflow]

Well, I just finished up a 6 day stint as single dad. it was awesome to bond with my daughter over the past several days. In oter words, I was doing all of the things that her mom would do exclusively in the past. Just normal things like baths, cooking, shopping, getting her ready for school, making her lunch, braiding her hair, laundry, picking up toys, keeping her entertained, reading more. you know, all of the things that are easy enough, but I did not really participate in during our marriage. at least not consistently.

 

Felt good though. I look forward to having her to myself again next week. I suppose that's not that big of a deal to anyone, but it proves to myself that I can not only do the single dad stuff, but I can enjoy it. That means a lot to me! Even if it's due to my circumstances instead of my own initiative like it should have been all along.

 

There have been a few meltdowns, but I've managed to let them pass without too much grief. It's still pretty obvious that my daughter misses her mom when she is not around. Hopefully she misses me when I'm not around as well.

 

The STBXW has helped me out a little but not really. I had to call her one morning because the daughter was really having a "mommy moment" meltdown, (she woke up crying, then bumped her head and kept crying for her mom), then she would not let me get her ready for daycare. The ex came over and took her to daycare for me.

 

As far as the ex is concerned, she is still in affair fog. Since she has moved out, we really no longer discuss anything in detail other than plans for the daughter's schedule. I have told her that I am still very sad that there's no effort being put into saving the marriage, but I don't mention the affair. What good would that do?

 

I asked her point blank...Do you want a divorce Y/N? She said she would agree to a divorce out of fairness towards me for the damage she has caused. That was not a Y/N response, but I replied that I'm ok with a divorce, but the sad part would be that we are ending it without any effort into fixing anything. It's like Married, then boom, divorced.

 

She knows it's not a three way deal, and I do not know her business as of late, (no more spying). She mentioned that she wants us to go to counselling together after the holidays. Why? who the **** knows. She also invited me to her families house for Christmas eve dinner. I was hoping to go to that anyway, so I accepted. Even if it's for a "last hoorah" with her side of the family. She's taking a risk by bringing me because I will not "act" like we are not getting a divorce, nor will I "act" like she has not been having a affair and lying about it for months. It could be quite a scene if I decide to just "go off". But, It's not about me or her, it's about the kids and I will make the effort to be totally civil and dignified even if it kills me.

 

I'm still having good days mixed with bad. Anxiety is getting less intense, but is still very real. I went to counselling last week, and that did not really help me. She basically just tells me to "mellow out".

 

I went to my doctor on Monday and spelled it all out to him. He gave me some "lorazipam" to help with the anxiety. I took one last night and felt pretty good. Even after seeing the wife I was pretty calm. No contact really is the way to go. I know that, but it's not possible just yet. So, the pills help.

 

I have another counseling appt. tomorrow. I'll go, but I'm not expecting anything to come of it.

 

One thing that I have found helps me is talking to my ex girlfriend from before I got married. We set guidelines on the conversations so we don't wind up hurting eachother, but we had massive chemistry between us so the talk is very soothing. No meetings planned, but she wants to.

 

I'll also be decorating the house this weekend, plus I'm getting the daughter a big fishtank for christmas. I'll set that up for her ahead of time.

 

I've lost some weight over all of this, plus I've been to the gym a few times. I like how I look right now. The job sucks, but I'm not broke yet so that's ok.

 

I'm in divorce limbo until at least the first part of january so I'm just trying to stay busy and not dwell TOO much on all the crap. It aint easy. I see one of three thing happening soon-

 

1) Wife says she wants the divorce. I get her to agree to it on my terms, (joint legal custody + no alimony + I keep all 401K + I keep my house and she gets no equity since there is none + I pay child support along with extras for the daughter TBD by me) Pretty likely. I'm cool with that.

 

2) Somehow we make up and stay married. No way unless her heart is in it, and I do not see it happening anytime soon.

 

3) No decision other than "no contact" for couple of months. Then decide from there. This may not be a bad choice for both of us, but I am rather impatient and I think I would need to be intimate with another woman for part of that time. Or maybe not. I do not know because I have not tried it with her yet.

 

Some of you may think I'm a scatterbrain mess and maybe you're right. I should just divorce and move on, but I actually know a couple who went through this same scenario and came out better. Plus, my counseler keeps telling me to be patient and not to jump ahead.

 

Either way, it's too close to christmas to dump marriage problems on anybody so I'm just going to take my pills now and then, lay low, and stay busy for the next 2-3 weeks.

 

Crazy times.

[dead-dyke]

No..... You're not a scatterbrain. Normal, is how I see it. You just don't know to be hopeful, or forget about it. Easier to be hopeful, than to forget about it. Mentally anyway.

 

I wish I had some decent advice to give, but my marriage is toast. In a way, cta is right. Come a year later, you may not want her back. That feeling has only hit me recently, and I havn't seen my ex but once in late August so she could serve me.(separated from her a year and a half ago) A lot can change over time, and you can only hope that you two can overcome this and forgive, and ultimately reconcile, or be at peace with the more negative outcome. All of this is easier said than done. At least your head seems screwed on straight. Even if the wife's isn't. There are a few people in here that have reconciled. But it's like playing the lottery. Some get lucky, most don't. I didn't say that to bring you down, either. It's just a crap shoot it seems. Depends where everyones head is at, at any given time.

[Gowithflow]

Oh boy...

Met the stbxw at her former work's christmas party. I went because my daughter was going as well, plus they have a great poker game at the end. I was supposed to act like all is well with us, so I did up until the first few drinks, then I told people that my wife and I are getting a divorce. Mistake.

 

Long story short, we wound up at her parents house where I proceded to get into a big fight with the ex in the garage about wheather or not she wanted a divorce, (a question she has refused to answer). I was buzzed and i figured what the hell. No means she wants to maybe work things out at some point, and yes means I get closure which is what I think want anyway.

 

We also argued about her affair and the fact that the OM is still in the picture. She swears it's not sexual but I don't even come close to believing that in a million years.

 

Anyway, I made a scene and left. My daughter was crying because she wanted to go with me, (did not argue in front of her). It was close to midnight when I got home. I actually regretted even saying anything because I was actually having fun at the party. I should have just went home from there. Oh well. The ex called me on my way home and I asked her again about getting a divorce and this time she finally said yes. I said fine, and that we would deal with it right after the holidays are over. I got some sleep, but woke up feeling bad about how I acted at her parents house.

 

I called this morning and apologised to her mom for acting childish and disrupting everybody's evening. She accepted. The stbxw called me later this morning to apologise to me. For what? I don't know. I apologised as well, and we left it at that. We agreed not to drink anything on xmas eve, (yes, we will still be together for the kid's sake). It's still really hard because I want us all to be together, but closure is the next best thing for me.

 

Very bizarre arguing with her because that's something we never did while together, (red flag).

 

Oh ya, she also invited me over for dinner tomorrow at her new place. This sucks because I know how much better I will be when I go divorce / NC. again, I'll go because she's a great cook and I will be picking up the daughter and going home early.

 

Also, my place is still in shambles from her leaving a bunch of stuff behind. I'm dealing with that today. Need lots of big garbage bags! THEN- I can have some guests over for myself...Can't wait for a little female companionship at this point. Hopefully I get to the point where I'm actually functioning and happy again. with or without any relationship worries!

[johan]

You seem to have a pretty good attitude about things. As hard as this is to go through, this is what will get you through it as quickly and in as good a shape as possible. Hang in there.

[Gowithflow]

Wow-

That was pretty tough. The STBXW came by early afternoon on xmas eve. Hung out a little. Baked some cookies for Santa etc...Drove an hour to have dinner with ALL of her family at her aunt's house. I kept my mouth shut the entire time and just maintained light conversation. Nothing was even mentioned about our current situation or pending divorce, (at least while I was within the room).

 

The stbx took a big chance bringing me along, but I'm glad I went along because our daughter had a good time with the both of us together, (somewhat. I say that because there was a lot of silence between us but that's better than arguing at least).

 

I think the key for me was to stay away from the alchohol. It worked.

 

The ex actually wound up spending the night at my place, in my bed even, but she made it perfectly clear that she was "not feeling well". I kept my hands off her. She snuggled up a little in the morning, but the daughter woke up and jumped in between us. Probably better for me because that could have cost me a month of recovery.

 

Anyway, the whole point of her staying was to make sure our daughter had a good christmas morning, and she did indeed.

 

I cooked breakfast, then was in a decent mood so I went to the store to get some champagne and oj. We drank a bottle together with no bickering while our daughter played with her new stuff.

 

Later, we went to my brother's for dinner. Again, no mention of our situation.

 

I dropped them both off at the wife's new place, then a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before I left for home.

 

My point is, I know I should be in NC mode right now, and I still intend to do NC very soon unless something drastic changes for the better, (highly unlikely)

 

Here's the kicker for me...There was no way I could pull this off without losing my temper towards the stbxw when all of this went down, (I first found out about my STBXW's affair 11/1 and it still continues. I do not know the intensity, but I do know it exists and I know better than to ask details because it really no longer matters, plus she will just lie).

 

I am seriously less bothered as each day passes. This is what everyone on LS speaks of, and I am another person saying that it is true. IT TAKES TIME. It's been less than 60 days since I found out about the affair. The affair was 3 months old already by the time I found out. The STBXW moved out on 12/1. It was all very sudden to me, but of course not to her. Now I'm a single dad 50% of the time. Work suffers, plus I've lost too much weight and I still don't sleep more than 60-70% of normal. I go to the gym, but I hate going there right now for some reason.

Does it hurt? yes!

Does it suck? yes!

Am I jelous of the OM? yes!

Do I want the ex to be miserable? At times, yes!

 

All I can do is try to stay busy and wait it out.

Seriously, my wife is becoming more dead to me each week. I hate the tone of her voice, like she has it "all figured out".

Her friends all think she's some kind of hero for walking away. Like it's such a brave thing for a woman to do. No abuse mind you, just the fact that she was feeling "unhappy" and met prince charming. Makes me sick.

 

talking to other women helps me a lot! even ones I meet online. It occupies my brain in a positive way and I like it. Especially since I can do it openly without causing any harm to anybody.

 

Who knows. Maybe I'll make a connection, but I'm going to be VERY careful about any level of commitment. In other words, I will never again assume anything is good, safe, or even OK because "I think so".

[paperchase]

I know you have got to be in pain. Hanging with your ex may have happened without a hitch, but there's no way it doesn't take a toll given what you know. I think you must go NC immediately. Even if you are not begging and groveling, she slept in your bed, you made breakfast, ect. Meanwhile, she's sleeping with another man and moved out. You are helping her cope in the process while you are retarding your own ability to heal and grow. I also think your ex is probably looking at you like a weakling in the process. She knows, despite everything, you are right there for the taking. That gives her the courage to forge ahead without any worries of losing you. Think about it and change that dynamic ASAP. Not to win her back, but because it's the right thing to do for you.

[Gowithflow]

Thanks PC,

you are indeed correct. I think that the whole holiday thing was a huge setback for me. I am more depressed now than I was leading up to xmas. I've had my daughter the past 3 days. The ex went on a ski trip with gal work friends for the weekend. What sucks is that we were always talking about taking the daughter to teach her to ski this year. I will still do that, but this weekend would have been perfect. The ex called once on the phone, but I ended the call after a brief conversation of nothing.

 

I seriously just need to stick to my guns and file the divorce papers mid January as planned. I don't trust her anymore, and she is the silent type which makes it ten times worse.

 

Talked to an old GF for 2 hours on the phone late last night. That really helped me cope. Funny thing is, I went NC with the old GF for the past 6 years! She called me, so I saw no harm at this point.

 

Bottom line, the NC with the old GF really worked for me. I was very in love with her and she left me after I was injured in a wreck. I was bitter.

 

That was when I met my now STBXW. The cycle continues. I need to go NC except for daughter and divorce issues. The only thing that will prevent me would be the "magic words" from her that she is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. These words or actions will not come, and so be it. I just hope for no more setbacks like the one I'm dealing with now.

[Gowithflow]

The ex wanted to "talk" on Monday so I agreed. She read from a journal. It was something like "You ignored me, i met someone else who talked to me on a higher level, It's all your fault etc..." I asked "do you want a divorce Y/N?" She would not give a straight answer.

 

I replied by telling her I don't trust her and never will. This is true. Especially when it comes to finances. I found out she has a credit card with a 30K limit, (thanks to my good credit).

 

What would stop her from buying a new car or something and sticking me with the debt. I value my credit rating. It took forever to establish and I live nearly debt free.

 

I got online and filled out all the correct forms to file for divorce.

This morning I went to the courthouse and paid my $350 to get the case started. I will serve her the papers on Monday. At least I'll be protected.

 

She knows I'm doing this, and says she will go along with it uncontested. I'll believe that when it's finally over.

 

Meantime, it's strictly limited contact. I don't ask any questions, and I only give one word replies to hers.

 

The D4 is doing fine so far. I suppose that's the scariest part for me, but my friends are stepping up to help a little. Still feeling sorry for my little one. None of this is her fault.

[Gunny376]

Hang tough Bro! Hang tough!

 

 

I amoung others here are here for you!

[Gowithflow]

Hang tough Bro! Hang tough!

 

 

I amoung others here are here for you!

 

Thanks for the thoughts Gunny-

Hangin as best I can, but feeling a little empty and overwelmed still. Like most in my situation I suppose.

Fighting depression is a full time gig lately. I've been there in the past, but this one is tough I must admit. Cold rainy weather is not helping, but I'm determined to just get through this and move forward.

 

Funny how quick life can change, for good as well as bad. I'm definatly in the "bad" right now.

[PWSX3]

Something someone shared with me:

They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us, but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.

[Gunny376]

I found out she has a credit card with a 30K limit, (thanks to my good credit).

 

What would stop her from buying a new car or something and sticking me with the debt. I value my credit rating. It took forever to establish and I live nearly debt free.

 

1, Run an ad in all of the local papers for thirty days stating that effective "this date" you will not be responsible for any and all debt not incurred by you ~ yourself alone. (Its not an absolute defense but it will help)

 

2. Contact any and all creditors via a letter and let them know the same. There are only a handfull of community property states where the other spouses debt is martial debt, and therefore your liable for.

 

 

• Arizona.
  
• California.
  
• Idaho.
  
• Louisiana.
  
• Nevada.
  
• New Mexico.
  
• Texas.
  
• Washington.
  
• Wisconsin.
  

[Gowithflow]

Yea- Better safe than sorry!

I'm in CA. The divorce summons clarly states that niether one of us can make any drastic financial moves without the other one's knowlege.

 

I'm good with that. I'm not hiding anything, but we are trying to go through the divorce uncontested.

 

I do not want to go to court over anything. I also do not want to pay alimony or have the court examine every detail of our finances. STBX agrees because she has been working under the table as a chef and has done lots of catering gigs. If she wanted to play hardball it could get very ugly.

 

As it stands right now, we will have joint custody of D4, ex will not go after my retirement, (it's down right now anyway), and she will not try for a share of my house equity, as if there is any. We've only been married 5 years. In return, I agree to give her a lump sum payment, (not very much), plus pay child support above and beyond what is required. And of course I will fork out for anything the D4 needs down the road.

 

Anyway, the divorce proceedings are laid out in a way to protect the both of us by semi freezing funds, and it also states that you cannot drop anyone from insurance etc... It works out for both of us, but I still don't trust her.

 

This is my first divorce, so I'm learning as I go.

[BackonTrack2]

I don't know bro... I'm reading your story... Its bad.. Your lossing, even your words are changing "she took a big chance bringing me along" dude... snap to, solider up man... wake up dude....

 

she is ****ing another man, its important, its the bond that establishes a relationship, without it, nothing can be formed......

 

 

get COLD, fast, armor UP, END all contact, NO REASON TO talk to her at all, NONE. Keep it COLD, like ICE, COLD.

 

She doesn't want people to think badly of her, at her work, thats why you were suppose to play it COOL, it wasn't a mistake, **** IT, its the TRUTH. Your wife was having an affair on YOU, your not the bad GUY, your the GOOD GUY.

 

Solider UP please, STOP ALL TALKS WITH HER, let it get ULGY, **** it, she cheated on you, she lied to you, she's still having sex with you and the other man, who wants a women who ****s two people???? Who wants a women like that???

 

Your losing, your getting down, your getting weaker, your waivering, its bad, you need to GET AWAY NOW, GET AWAY, leave the state, take vacation, you need to do it NOW!!!!! You have to GO, you have to leave now.

 

Stop talking to her, your killing yourself, tell your daughter you'll see her in a few weeks, you and mommy got into a big fight, she's the only one you have to protect, tell everyone the truth, she's a whore, she left you, she cheated on you, she lies about things, she wants to put on a phasade to outsiders, she doesn't want them to know the truth. YOUR NOT THE BAD GUY.....

 

Call your job, ask for time off. THERE IS NO HOPE, ITS TO LATE, ITS TO LATE, she is GONE, She made the decision to LEAVE, women are different, she is GONE, there is no turning back for her. There is no HOPE for You/Her, leave now, you are giving her to much, you are making it her way.

 

About the credit Card, CANCEL IT NOW!!!!. If she uses your credit to obtain a credit card, call the card company, tell them she's a whore and your getting a divorce and you want it canceled. your wife think's she's smarter than you, turn the tables, its not about WE anymore, its YOU VS her, your the enemy, as long as she can control you, she will talk to you.. The moment you start rebelling, acting COLD, acting like a man, she will disregard you so fast......

 

Go to freecreditreport.com, it will LIST ALL YOUR ACCOUNTS, its FREE.

You need help.

Find a lawyer, pay some money, tell him the situtation, tell him you want to secure yourself finicially, credit cards, bank accounts, everything, contact your JOB, tell them you need to get away, tell them you need two weeks, explain the situtation to the boss, he will understand.

 

Spend another 1-2k on a vacation, go to some island, DR is good, they have whore houses there.

 

END EVERYTHING, CUT ALL TIES, she's damaged, she's a whore, she's no good to you, end it, cut EVERYTHING, with surgeons blade, EVERYTHING.

Only thing you have worry about is your daughter.......

 

I feel sorry for you dude, I don't know if you will snap too, you have to leave, you haev to get away, forget the divorce for now, do not listen to her, get away now, your not coping good at all, your words are changing, its getting worse.

 

If your wife doesn't have a job, its not POSSIBLE for her to obtain a 30k credit card limit without using your ss#. Dude, do you not realize whats happening? She thought this throw, she sat down and thought about it for MONTHS... She planned it out........

 

She used your name to get a credit card, for 30k, this gives her the cover she needs to NOT need YOU, beacuse she has the credit card with the money using your resources.

Secondly, she already has a new APT, pre-planned.

She is starting a new LIFE, without YOU, using the things YOU gave her (ss#). SHe is using YOU, to LEAVE YOU.

 

I don't know man... Your daughter is your BLOOD, no matter what, she's still your BLOOD, she is apart of you, your daughter can never go anywhere. So put your daughter our your mind for now, you have to fix yourself.. You are falling man, you are wavering.

 

she thinks your a dummy dude, your a fool, she think she's smarter than you, hell she was cheating on you and you didn't even know, hell she even up credit cards with your name, to support her new life, using your ****, she using your ****, to leave you.. YOUR ****, she couldn't even do it on her own...... She thought about, planned it out, there is NO working it out, why are you asking her if she wants a divorce? Its over, this was months, if not years in the making, there is no going back, accept this, its over, there is no hope, get cold, get smart, get away.

 

WOrst comes to worst, she'll have nothing, I think you said she doesn't have a job.... Find, take full custody of your daughter, cancel all her cards, take away the money, take away everything, you have no life together, its over, get your daughter too, why not, **** her.

 

Its over, realize this, get on offensive, take the money back, health, dental, everything, your suppose to feel bad doing this but she sure didn't feel bad ****ing, sucking, who knows what else this OM, she didn't feel bad talking badly about you to her friends, she didn't feel bad, using your name to get a 30,000 credit card which she doesn't deserve.... She is out for SELF now, time you man up, stop talking to her, don't go any more places with her, what your doing is ENABLING her, letting her think its OK, get COLD, fast.

I'm just trying to motivate you dude, its over bro, get away, take the money back, get a lawyer, get the papers, speak no more to her, let actions do the talking.

[pelicanpreacher]

You need to immediately have your credit frozen so that your identity can no longer be used to obtain any new credit cards and to freeze the use of all outstanding credit cards taken out in your name immediately! Once you decide to reopen your credit then change all security checks so that you and you alone can use credit in your name even if the EX retains personal info such as your SS# and etc...

[BackonTrack2]

Sorry, I was rambling in my previous post.

 

I don't know what to say about the personal interactions or the social dynamics in regards to you and your wife but I do know this

 

a) Your wife and yourself are getting a divorce.

b) You have a daughter together.

 

 

Your wife is secretly having sex with another man, it came to light, she moved out, you asked her to reconsider she said NO.

 

It has come to light, that your life thinks your a fool, because she has been cheating on you for months, and she has been opening credit cards without your consent, using your name.

 

For whatever reasons, it did not work out, but I believe you should protect your self financially and emotionally, I believe you should seek a lawyers help, I think you should take a look at your credit report, to determine if someone is opening illegitimate accounts using your name, I believe you should get these accounts canceled immediately. For you worked long and hard to build your credit history and a frauder (your wife) can eliminate that within a blink of an eye.

 

I believe you should file for divorce immediately, I think you should get a divorce lawyer, I do not think you should wait until the Holidays are over, I think you should do this now, get it over with.

 

I think to protect yourself emotionally, you should stay away from your ex wife, your daughter for now, until the divorce is settled and visitation rights are obtained. This is not a standard breakup, your wife committed adultery, the courts will favor you.

 

Contact the lawyer,

Put the divorce in motion, don't wait, its over. It's been over for months.

If your wife does not have finical resources, and you are the bread winner, then chances are, you will come out winning, if you are able to secure an adapt divorce lawyer, I am sure, you can dictate terms.

 

Secondly, contact some kind of Finicial Specialist, have them pull your report, have them start contacting credit agencies indicating that you've never open any accounts and want all accounts closed with your name on it.

 

I believe the above two tasks will range anywhere from 1,000-2,000USD, but just as marriage requires careful thought, so does a divorce.

 

If you don't have the money, what you can do is request a duplicate copy of the credit card for 30k that your wife open, using your name, you can get their contact number from your creidt report. You can then take a cash advance using the line of credit given to you by the credit card company, which your wife opened to start her new life, and then use that money, your money, to get rid of her, via a lawyer.

 

You should thank your wife actually, she gave you all the tools, you need to get rid of her from your life.

 

Good Luck to you, I hope you do the right thing.

[Gowithflow]

Sorry, I was rambling in my previous post.

 

I don't know what to say about the personal interactions or the social dynamics in regards to you and your wife but I do know this

 

a) Your wife and yourself are getting a divorce.

b) You have a daughter together.

 

 

 

Good Luck to you, I hope you do the right thing.

 

 

Backon track2-

Thanks for the encouragement. My ex probably does think she's smarter than me. That may be due in part to my lack of knowedge as to her affair. Unfortunatly, I was traveling most of the time.

 

I did run my credit report, and her credit card does not show up. I'm sure the reason for the high credit line is because of her high rating from being married to me. However, this will not be my debt because I have ALREADY filed for divorce. The summons states that no significant financial moves can be made without the other parties knowledge.

 

I know it's over. That's not an issue. The issue now is getting the divorce settled without her coming after me in court. So far, we have an agreement that suits me fine. My only real concern is the fact that I do not want to pay alimony, and I do not want her to mess with my 401K. In return, I would give her a one time lump sum payment, then just provide for my daughter. We currently have joint custody and it's working out fine.

 

So she cheated and has a boyfriend. Big deal! Does it hurt? of course! It's supposed to. CA is a no fault state. It does not matter why the marriage failed. Hell, I've been on both sides of the coin in other relationships. The stakes are MUCH higher in a divorce, especially when there are kids involved.

 

I have a friend paying 10K per month to his ex, and thier divorce started 5 years ago and is still not finished!

 

When lawyers are talking to lawyers everything goes horribly wrong. This could cost less than 10K, or as much as 50K or more depending on how it goes.

 

To say "**** the bitch" at this point does not help matters. I am in limited contact at this point. I am not weak, but I am depressed at the moment. I will pull out of it, but I don't like all of the drama. That's all.

 

Your advice is appreciated, but I doubt a vacation away from my problems would do me any good. Not unless I had my daughter with me because I am becoming very attached to her, and prior to the breakup that was not always the case. I was meerly a playmate and roof provider. Now, I am a real Daddy to her and it feels good.

 

I truly believe in Karma, and I'm sure I'm getting some sort of payback, but at the same time, if the ex were to dissapear from the planet tomorrow I would be better prepared to deal with it than I was prior to the breakup.

 

I will not remain bitter. I will let time and karma do thier jobs for me and see what happens next.

 

I rode dirtbikes all day today with good friends. Tomorrow I have my daughter. Life could be a whole lot worse

[Gowithflow]

I've just been realizing what a tight rope I'm walking on to try to get the stbxw to agree to a uncontested divorce.

 

I have to be on eggshells due to the fact that her so called friends are telling her to go after every bit of everything that was aquired during the 5 years of marriage. (letter of the law in CA)

 

She still says she'll leave the retirement alone, but any lawyer would tell her otherwise, and that bothers me because to mess with that money would be messing with our daughter's future.

As everyone knows, the market is way down and that money needs to be left alone. She's agreed so far, but desparate times call for desparate measures, and she's getting pretty desparate money wise and that sucks because I'm running low on cash and I won't rest properly until the dust settles from all the legal B.S.

 

Basically, besides the 401K there's not much there other than a boat, rv, dirtbikes, couple cars. None of them are worth that much individually, but she wants it in writing that if I sell any of them she gets half the money.

 

The house is mine. There is no equity to split right now even if she tried for it.

 

Don't get me wrong...I'm not hiding anything from her. I just don't want to get bent over in court.

 

The breakup was bad enough, but I'm dealing with it. The pain of having to fork over more than I think is fair seems like it would be just as bad or worse than the whole affair/breakup itself!

 

My point is that NC/LC seems to be hurting the handshake settlement part of our divorce negotiations. I feel as though I'm slightly better off communicating and being "nice" until she signs her response form that says "no community property" and "no alimony"

 

I will give her a fair amount of support, but she's realizing just how expensive it really is to be out on your own. My LC has been solid for several days and I think that's making her feel even more isolated financially. (I don't care about the emotional part enough to pay extra for it if that makes any sense).

 

Any advice for the negotiation part of this crap?

(other than F-her because I think I'm beyond that).

[BackonTrack2]

I don't know what to say.

Its going to come to a point where she will realize that she can get HALF of everything you own. It doesn't matter what her friends say, the ultimate decision will be hers and her's alone and what she feels she is due.

 

If I was you, I would go to her and say

Listen, You left me, you took my daughter, now you want half my stuff.

That's not fair, and I will rather burn it than give it to you.

 

Here is what I think is Fair

LIST YOUR TERMS.

 

Then ask her, what SHE think's is fair.

If she's rational, and still have loves for you, then maybe you won't have to go to court.

 

If she's now only viewing you as some dush, whom she was married to, then she's gonig to use you and take you for all your worth.

 

It really depends on her and what she has to do as well as how much knowledge she has in regards to Divorce and CA LAW. You seem to realize that technically she can get HALF, her friends seem to realize that too.

 

Find out what she wants, try to buy her off, this is now a negotiation, and technically, you have no negotiating power.

 

Idea*

What about making a LIST off all the things you had BEFORE you got married. Clearly state, that its YOURS.

 

Then make a list, of the items you purchased while together.

Then ask her what she wants from that list.

 

I don't know, you really have no power in this situation, all you really have is your character. I mean... Keep it SIMPLE...

 

Ask her WHAT SHE WANTS.

 

If she tries to OVER-DEMAND things, meaning, if you feel what she's asking for is not justifiable, then tell her "You'll get nothing, I'll burn the vehicles, and the boat and everything else"

 

I don't know what to say bro, GOOD LUCK, talk to a lawyer, try your best to work it out with her, do what you have to do, walk on the egg-shells, whatever she ask(s), jump throw a fire hoop, walk on coal, it doesn't matter because once she signs the papers, you can tell her **** YOU.

 

I think Research is inorder.

Look HERE

 

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=divorce+settlement+ca&btnG=Google+Search&aq=f&oq=

 

http://family.findlaw.com/divorce/divorce-process/divorce-settlements.html

 

CA Divorce Forms - $24.95

 

MyDivorceDocuments.com/California Download California Divorce Forms. Avoid Attorney Fees. Save Money Now

 

Also, I think this forum has a Separation/Divorce Section located here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f6/

[Sands_of_time]

I've just been realizing what a tight rope I'm walking on to try to get the stbxw to agree to a uncontested divorce.

 

I have to be on eggshells due to the fact that her so called friends are telling her to go after every bit of everything that was aquired during the 5 years of marriage. (letter of the law in CA)

 

She still says she'll leave the retirement alone, but any lawyer would tell her otherwise, and that bothers me because to mess with that money would be messing with our daughter's future.

As everyone knows, the market is way down and that money needs to be left alone. She's agreed so far, but desparate times call for desparate measures, and she's getting pretty desparate money wise and that sucks because I'm running low on cash and I won't rest properly until the dust settles from all the legal B.S.

 

Basically, besides the 401K there's not much there other than a boat, rv, dirtbikes, couple cars. None of them are worth that much individually, but she wants it in writing that if I sell any of them she gets half the money.

 

The house is mine. There is no equity to split right now even if she tried for it.

 

Don't get me wrong...I'm not hiding anything from her. I just don't want to get bent over in court.

 

The breakup was bad enough, but I'm dealing with it. The pain of having to fork over more than I think is fair seems like it would be just as bad or worse than the whole affair/breakup itself!

 

My point is that NC/LC seems to be hurting the handshake settlement part of our divorce negotiations. I feel as though I'm slightly better off communicating and being "nice" until she signs her response form that says "no community property" and "no alimony"

 

I will give her a fair amount of support, but she's realizing just how expensive it really is to be out on your own. My LC has been solid for several days and I think that's making her feel even more isolated financially. (I don't care about the emotional part enough to pay extra for it if that makes any sense).

 

Any advice for the negotiation part of this crap?

(other than F-her because I think I'm beyond that).

 

GoFlow- I hear you on the NC/LC part. It's good for healing us emotionally but the separation causes them to realize that they truly ARE on their own. And the easiest way out is to go after the low hanging fruit (401's and anything else they can get their hands on). Even though they say they won't I'm not so sure it will end up this way. I am experiencing the exact same thing with my STBXW. I'll let post back if I get any update and hopefully it will give you some insight. I wish I had more advice for you on this. Hang tight...

[dannydrifter]

Also, she agrees to not going the lawyer route. I told her I would give her some help so my daughter will not live in a dump. The amount is up to me and I have not decided that yet.

 

My friend, your daughter should stay with you!!! You should have full custody of her!! Go see a lawyer and make this battle for your daughter your #1 priority!!