MarieD Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Hello I am a 35 year old female, who has been dating ever since I was 17 & just hasn't found the one yet. I am in an relationship right now that is having problems, we are taking it day by day. I recently found the 15 girls that I used to hang out with in high school on Facebook & ALL of them are married BUT me!! One is going through a REALLY bad divorce. Is there anyone out there over 35, thats still single & gets really sad about it?? I am finding myself thinking about it more & more lately & getting more depressed. Anyone else???
motive2002 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I go from sad, to relieved.. then back to sad. I see how f-ed up things are in others' relationships and sometimes consider myself lucky to be single, but then I get lonely... and time isn't making the old bod look any better.. and experiences from break-ups and so on are making me a little more bitter. Soon enough someone is gonna come along and raise all my hopes again. When that happens, the folks at Loveshack will probably be the first to know.
SushiX Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Hello I am a 35 year old female, who has been dating ever since I was 17 & just hasn't found the one yet. I am in an relationship right now that is having problems, we are taking it day by day. I recently found the 15 girls that I used to hang out with in high school on Facebook & ALL of them are married BUT me!! One is going through a REALLY bad divorce. Is there anyone out there over 35, thats still single & gets really sad about it?? I am finding myself thinking about it more & more lately & getting more depressed. Anyone else??? You said you're in a relationship but haven't found the one yet. Why are you still in a relationship with that guy if you don't think he's the one? You should let him go if you're feeling sad and depressed. It shouldn't be that way! Don't be in a relationship just to be in one. That's just sad. I'm 30 yr single male. Just got out of bad relationship. Not too happy about it but relieved it's over! I'm usually not single for very long so I'm making the most out of my single life now. Enjoy it before you're tied down for life!
Author MarieD Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Motive - yes i get like that too sometimes, but this weekend is bad, i'm PMSing! ahhah Sushi, Yes i am in a relationship, my boyfriend has insecurity problems that he's seeking help for. I have been with him for 8 months now & am giving him 1 last chance to see what happens. I don't know if he is the one for me or not. Time will tell. I do love him, but won't live the rest of my life with someone with insecurity problems. I"m not just in a relationship to be in one, i love him & am giving him one last chance.
Green Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 hey your really cute in your avatar maybe you should just try to date a type of guy you usualy stay away from reprogram urself to be happy
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Sometimes, but not today. I did some decorating in my apartment and I'm feeling quite cozy in it right now. Just me
Author MarieD Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 yeah i'm not like this all the time, i think its because i'm PMS'ing! ahah
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I get it! I was on the way to the grocery store today after a lovely day of shopping for my apartment. I went with a couple friends and it was just a really nice day. I was thinking about why it sometimes sucks to be 30 something and single. A big part of it for me is not that I am unhappy with my life. Yes, I would like the companionship and oh yes *sex* that a relationship brings. But I have a pretty good life over all. I think what I really hate is knowing what other people may think of people like us. Wow, 36 and single? I wonder if she'll EVER find someone. Or, what's wrong with her? I don't want be seen as different, and I don't want to be pittied. I don't want people to look at me and see what's missing- a man. I want them to look at me and see a whole and complete person.
SushiX Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Yes, I would like the companionship and oh yes *sex* that a relationship brings If you want sex, just go up to a guy and ask for it. I'm sure you'll get alot of takers. Men cannot do this so women need to stop this talk about getting laid. It's rediculous.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Oh don't worry, I have sex when I want it :love:
Posco_Proudfoot Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Well, I'm a guy, was engaged, now I'm not, and I entered 40 this year. I'm very depressed. I've done nothing I wanted to do in my life was far as relationships go. I'm pretty much feeling as if I'm going to be alone forever right now.
Shygirl15 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Marie, My sister is 40, lives in NYC, dates left and right, and doesn't feel sad one bit. Enjoy life Marie, just like our resident playboy KMT says, you're real beauty! Seriously. But first you need to get rid of that insecure guy who's making your life miserable.
movingonandon Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I'm 32. Have had 2 big relationships (but only one of them counts, long story). So, "socially" i'm in my 20s (since I haven't done any of rhe 'speed dating' typical of this age group and have a lot of catch up to play...). I'm not feeling lonely, but sometimes inadequate and overwhelmed (e.g. by the pretty rough process). I don't want to date casually at all, but it's inevitable - need to be "shopping around", and I'm giving every such relationship a chance, which takes at least 1-2 months. So while doing this, soon I'll be 35, and if i'm lucky only then it will be becoming clear if the relationship i'm at that moment has a more serious future. I'm far from having any insecurity issues - in fact, I think I would have more success dating if I was looking/behaving more vulnerable, I just wish I was "done" with this aspect of my life (and I thought I was, but it didn't work out that way) . For me a relationship involves more than just companionship - i'd rather be concentrating on askimg my wife how was her day, building a family/house, preventing the cat from clawing the dog's eyeballs, playing with the kids, etc. Instead, I have to be chasing chicks left and right . It's not that the chase is an issue, but rather that the 'catch' in my age group begins to come with bags and bags of well...., baggage, sifting through which is a time consuming process, and nobody is getting younger in the meantime . At least I hope that 35 soon will stop being one of those bleak "points of no return". So many people study until they're 30, so the situation you're describing is increasingly common . My ex is a MESS, but I wish her all the best, which includes me hoping that she doesn't feel the way you do...
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Married is not all it's cracked up to be. I was married at 24 and wish I would've passed. That's 4 1/2 years of my life I'll never get back. So don't feel bad. If I had known then what I know now, I would have been okay with being single until I found the perfect fit. I know it's hard to not think there's something wrong with never having been married by 35. But out of those friends you found on Facebook, how many do you really think are completely happy, how many are holding it together for the children, and how many are holding it together for their families/friends? The divorce rate isn't 1 in 2 for no reason.
Jessimay Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I have been wondering if I will ever meet the right man. it is very hard not to be bitter and feel dejected at 36 after several failed relationship attempts in the last 4 years since my divorce...I think I just keep sabotaging them! I don't want to spend my life alone, but it is scary out there in the dating world. I find myself not as excited to get out there and meet people, especially after my last whirlwind romance and subsequent break-up. I have been pretty sad about all this lately, so sorry about the complaining! I am considering therapy to help break my unhealthy patterns... and hoping that I can somehow find the strength to keep dating and not become a crazy cat-lady.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 It is tough. I'm tired of dating, quite frankly. I'm tired of people telling me to "get out there! Meet new people!" I'm tired of hearing people say that I need to join a club, or take a class. I'm tired of my friends dragging me to new bars so we can have the pleasure of standing around with a beer in out hands waiting for some tool to come up and start asking us, "so whatcha doin'????" And I'm really, really, tired of small talk. I'm tired of going on dates and telling the dates what I do for a living and then they ask me about all of their health problems. I'm tired of trying to be bubbly and entertaining, and I'm tired of trying to always sound so positive, light and fluffy. Oh yeah, I love my life. I have so many friends, and we do really fun things, blah blah blah. What I am most tired of is this feeling like I'm not doing enough, or I'm not doing the right things to meet a quality guy. I mean, when does it end? This constant stress of trying to be in the right place in the right time with the right dress on is really taking its toll.
movingonandon Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 It is tough. I'm tired of dating, quite frankly. I'm tired of people telling me to "get out there! Meet new people!" I'm tired of hearing people say that I need to join a club, or take a class. I'm tired of my friends dragging me to new bars so we can have the pleasure of standing around with a beer in out hands waiting for some tool to come up and start asking us, "so whatcha doin'????" And I'm really, really, tired of small talk. I'm tired of going on dates and telling the dates what I do for a living and then they ask me about all of their health problems. I'm tired of trying to be bubbly and entertaining, and I'm tired of trying to always sound so positive, light and fluffy. Oh yeah, I love my life. I have so many friends, and we do really fun things, blah blah blah. What I am most tired of is this feeling like I'm not doing enough, or I'm not doing the right things to meet a quality guy. I mean, when does it end? This constant stress of trying to be in the right place in the right time with the right dress on is really taking its toll. When dating is approached as a 'project', these feelings inevitably creep in, and also could send the corresponding vibe. Of course, it is very hard not to approach dating as a project after multiple years. My own way to deal with this is to only approach girls who seem outstanding in more than one aspect. Or to tag along when girls approach me (whihc I should probably stop doing if not vry interested in them, another story). Otherwise the process is personality-crushing
D-Jam Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 When I was single, I would have occasional bouts of depression and lonliness from being single, but most of the time I maintained the attitude that I am better off single and alone than in a RL where I am unhappy. That I am right to be "Ms Right or nothing" in my attitude. I'd see friends and colleagues who are very hard up to "find someone" be in a misery of their lives, and think they are all missing out on a lot by making a significant other a priority rather than an added bonus. I'd even see the ones who are in RLs going through drama and misery as well...mostly because they wanted someone so badly that they didn't take the time to figure out if that someone was right for them AND if they really wanted to be in a RL. I imagine it's harder for a 35 year old woman over a man, because I'm sure there is that stigma with being in your 30s and unmarried that's passed around the women-folk where you're made out to be the pity-case, overly picky, or a loser. Sucks I guess to be in that situation of being looked down on. I wish I had a better piece of advice for you other than just to make YOU the priority in your life. I used to be all sad and depressed that I'd never find anyone, but then I took a moment after yet another woman flaked out on me to sit there and really wonder what would make me happy in life. I realized how to be happy with myself. To work, have my career, travel, get my own condo, take care of myself...and make a significant other a BONUS to my life...not a necessity. Life became exciting. I imagined myself strolling through Italy, Greece, England, Spain, South America, etc. I imagine how much I could see and do in my life without the hitch of marriage and children, rather than sit home and be depressed. My GF came along by surprise, and I care deeply for her...but she could dump me tomorrow and I'd easily pick right back up on my life where I thought it would go alone. I persoally refuse to let this become a dark cloud over me...and more see things as if the world can't get it's stuff together...then I'm better off not being part of the misery. It's funny even for every female friend I know who's down and sad on being in their 30s and single, all her friends who married off are in bad marriages, cheating, etc. Sounds like her friends settled for less or settled on something they didn't want. I tell them not to see the front cover of the book...but read the book and see if there is happiness in all those married friends.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Movingonandon- yep, I bet Marie would agree with me that it DOES feel like a project a lot of the time. I know it shows when I'm in a bad mood! I know when I'm "on" and when I'm "off". D-Jam- Your posts always make me feel better. Honestly, your attitude is how I try to live my life. Sometimes it goes that way, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm trying to figure out how to not only think these things, but to really and truly feel this way without putting pressure on myself. Marie, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is how I feel and I wonder if you feel this way too. I'm actually happy by myself. I'm watching a movie in my adorable apartment with a glass of wine. I've been off and on LS, and I'm working on some writing projects. I did the same last night until my friend dragged me out. Perfectly content. However, I know that I want to experience a deep, lasting relationship that takes life to new levels. I want to experience all of life, not just part of it. The fear of being alone when I'm 40, 50, 60....terrifies me. For different reasons. And the reason it feels like a project now, is because it IS a project. I used to put on a cute outfit, go out, and meet people. I met them through work and friends. Now it just seems so much harder to meet potential partners. I meet guys a lot, and guys are attracted to me, but there are fewer and fewer of them that i can see being in an R with. I think I can look pretty good for some years to come, but as I age, the number attached to me is going to scare men away, no matter what I look like. So if you combine the dwindling numbers of potential men + advancing age, the pressure rises to find someone NOW before it is too late. It's not fun anymore. I hope that Marie is like me in that she would rather be alone than in a bad R. That's fun for no one.
Shygirl15 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It is tough. I'm tired of dating, quite frankly. I'm tired of people telling me to "get out there! Meet new people!" I'm tired of hearing people say that I need to join a club, or take a class. I'm tired of my friends dragging me to new bars so we can have the pleasure of standing around with a beer in out hands waiting for some tool to come up and start asking us, "so whatcha doin'????" And I'm really, really, tired of small talk. I'm tired of going on dates and telling the dates what I do for a living and then they ask me about all of their health problems. I'm tired of trying to be bubbly and entertaining, and I'm tired of trying to always sound so positive, light and fluffy. Oh yeah, I love my life. I have so many friends, and we do really fun things, blah blah blah. What I am most tired of is this feeling like I'm not doing enough, or I'm not doing the right things to meet a quality guy. I mean, when does it end? This constant stress of trying to be in the right place in the right time with the right dress on is really taking its toll. Been there, Cherry, been there. God, I feel like I should hug you right now. Seriously, I think we should arrange for a hug date or something.
Shygirl15 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 The fear of being alone when I'm 40, 50, 60....terrifies me. Duh. I have been thinking about this too, lately. My BF said, oh you won't be, but I just don't know.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Sorry I'm not in this age group, but I like to comment on why is it so necessary to really have someone in your life? I'm sure life can revolve around other joys and pleasures rather then depending on another person to give you happiness? I understand the need for companionship and the sort of intimacy that may come with an R, but having another person around doesn't necessary make things all the more worthwhile. Consider the baggage the other person might bring into your life, or the sort of things you might have to give up in a compromise. I'm not trying to be negative about things, but what I'm trying to get at is that besides the whole screening process in the dating game, sometimes it's important to understand that it's okay to be single. It doesn't necessarily mean the end of the world. Neither does it have to be a quick "approval, wham-bam you're married" kind of deal.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I think part of it is the stigma of being a certain age and single. I don't like it when people think there is something wrong with me, because there isn't. Also, there is that deep down part of you that wonders if maybe you just aren't loveable?
Author MarieD Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Hello! First thanks for all your replies!! I was in SUCH a bad PMS'ing mood when i wrote this post. I guess its only normal for being 35 & not married, bothers us more times than others, esp. when PMS'ing. I am alot better now! I agree with alot of you! Yes, dating in my 20's & 30's is Totally different. In my 20's I met guys everytime i went out, there was so many guys around. I noticed in my 30's, it is SO much harder, i barely meet anyone when i go out, there is no one around, Its really weird. Yes Cherry, I agree with what you said. A lot of guys are attracted to me, but no one that I would want to be in a relationship with. I seem to attract all the wackos. Yes, Cherry, I agree with everything you say. Finding a guy is like a darn project. Friends & family always trying to make sure u are in the right place at the right time, & always making sure u look perfect, etc. Its tiring & a pain in the cooley!! hahah Yes, I am content at being single at times. I have so many things going for me, great family, great friends, good job, no money problems, etc. But when i get in my moods, i get in my moods! hahah- hence saturday when I wrote this post! hahah I have a wonderful boyfriend that doesn't lie, cheat & treats me really good, BUT just needed some adjusting. I see how horrible men could be out there & need to give my BF another chance to get over his insecurities cause he really is a GREAT guy! I always thought there was the PERFECT guy out there for me, But i come to realize its not like that, no one is perfect, everyone has something, its what u could put up with & deal with. I know alot of married couples that are MISERABLE, my own brother for one! But they just stay for the kids! I don't envy them at all, but I want my chance to fail, ya know! hahaah I want a chance at marriage!! hahah No Cherry, I don't want to grow old alone. I would love to experience what everyone else is experiencing out there. I'm sure u all know about my Plan B. If i am not married by 37, I am having kids on my own! I will make the best of my life with what God gave me!! If i can't find a guy to make a family with, I will make my own family.. I refuse to pass up motherhood, just because i can't find my mr. right......But thats a whole other story. Thank you all for all of your replies! I REALLY appreciate it! Now when I get in my depressed mood, I will come back here & re-read all your replies & see that I am not alone & it isn't always greener on the other side.
D-Jam Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I think if you see dating as a project or a job...then back off and take a break from it all. Focus on something else in your life. While the movie was about a serial killer, check out Hannibal. See how this man is older, alone, but content living in Florence and doing interesting things. Outside of the cannibalism, I liked that lifestyle and imagined myself in scenarios like that if I never found anyone in my life. Only time I get on anyone for staying in and being isolated is when they constantly complain they can't find anyone. Worse if their "attempts" are the usual haunts and activities that only failed them in the past. I know it gets hard. I personally knew it felt disheartening when I'd walk around town, go to things, do stuff, even hung in a cafe one nice day...and it seems every attractive woman I see is either with a guy, or walking around with a brick wall around her. It's why I stopped taking it all seriously. I don't fear hitting my 40s, 50s, or 60s and being alone. Simply because I've seen too many examples of failure in love over success...so I more feel I am better off than stuck in a life I didn't want. Especially you women...imagine you are one of those who get desperate, marry some guy you think might "shape up" into the ideal husband...have kids...and then things fall apart and now you're divorced. Now you're there raising kids, fighting for child support, maybe other guys rejecting you because of your situation, and possibly seeing your ex now with someone else. Does it really make you think that being open, but waiting for the right person is a mistake? I certainly don't think so.
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