True love, crushing my soul.

[Knight_Ctrl]

I’ve always googled around for answers to my relationship issues. And some of the best advice that I’ve ever read was posted here on loveshack, so I finally manned up and registered an account. I hope you can help me

 

I’ve had some rough breakups in the past but this one truly takes the cake. My girlfriend and I started talking last year after I had gotten out of a 2 year long (very emotionally abusive) relationship with my last girlfriend. At the time, she was in a relationship with a guy who had many of the same issues my last girlfriend had. So her and I began talking, we were originally introduced through my sister who is her best friend but kept up through email talking about her problems with this other guy and whatnot. I was all about just helping her out because I knew the position she was in. Anyway, a few weeks of talking and she and I became very close we started hanging out together, talking for hours on the phone and eventually she dumped the loser and really wanted to be with me. Not wanting to rush into anything we put it off for about 2 months before we officially got together

 

After that we couldn’t be separated everything was amazing we would see each other almost every day, text all the time and constantly think of one another. A few months in we realized we were in love with each other and started talking about our future. She chose to go to a college near here and I was looking for places to move closer to her campus.

 

Hers were the problems start. I realize now that I was extremely foolish, throughout my life I never really believed in marriage and the idea of having children scared me so I never wanted one. I was dead set on not getting married when she asked me about it. (We knew we weren’t going to anytime soon we didn’t want to rush things) but we still wanted to get a feel of where the other stood on the subjects. I stood my ground at the time but slowly over the next couple months started to realize that I would want to marry her someday if we could….and that children, with someone I love might not be such a bad thing after all.

 

Another couple months of no real problems no fighting or anything. She starts talking to a buddy of mine. He likes this girl and my GF being helpful like she is trys to help him hook up. I’ve never wanted to tell her who she can and can’t be friends with so I let her be; besides I trusted both of them. Slowly over a month though they begin to talk more and more, pressing on incessantly, she was even texting him non-stop while we were out on dates. She was overly concerned when he almost wasn’t able to make it to a movie we and about 10 others were going to see, and slowly she started becoming distant from me

 

When I came forward and asked her what was going on she didn’t have much to say about it. I didn’t want to be the suspicious paranoid boyfriend type so I let it go; I figured I shouldn’t be worrying unless there was something really worth worrying about. A little while later she’s started becoming even more distant, she wouldn’t want to spend much time with me, couldn’t talk on the phone for very long and all that. When she came over to talk about it she told me that it was because of all of this pre-college stress, graduation coming up, work being stressful, school play, family issues, etc. I was willing to work with all of that and help her as much as I could but also give her space if she needed it. Then I find out she’s getting an additional job (conviently where this other guy works). When I heard about it I asked her wtf. She told me it wasn’t because he worked there and that it was just because she needed the money and it was right down the road (both true statements). So once again, I let it slide. A few nights later she starts ignoring me completely not answering my calls or texts and not getting back to me. Eventually she calls me telling me that she am confused and needs to “just come over and lay with me” So I go over to her place and lay with her and comfort her. A few nights after that she starts ignoring me again. I figure it was probably a similar problem to before so I head over only to find this other guy's car there. By now quite a bit of patience as run out on this. So I get sorta pissed, I go to the downstairs basement door (her room is in the basement and this is the door I always use) and I see through the glass she and this guy He was pulling out of the driveway as I pull up so I get out of my car and tell him to **** off (didn’t kick his ass). I went in to talk to her and she tells me that she needed to get close to him to decide how she feels about him and that the whole time they were sitting there like that she kept thinking of me so she said she wanted me

 

We talked for a few hours and then I left, gave it a few days to get my thoughts together and unangry. When I called her she came over but still seemed very distant, when I asked her about it she told me that she still didn’t know what she wanted but felt obligated to give me an answer. She said she needed some alone time to get her thoughts straight so I gave it to her. But still deep inside I was terrified she was only getting closer to this other guy, since she goes to school with him, works with him, and talks to him constantly on the off time

 

Few weeks later we go out so we can just be together and we had an amazing day, she was loving and after the day was over we kissed and she looked me in the eye and said “I think I know what I want”. I told her not to say anything until she knew, so we just left it at that. Several days later we get together and shes back to acting all weird. She tells me that so much is going on in her life and between us that she just needs to be “single for the sake of being alone” to have her “me time” I was fine with this, I love this girl with all of my heart and would do anything for her. But I wasn’t sure if this “me time” was uninfluenced by this guy..... Her and I were only spending less time together (per her request) and they seemed to be keeping in contact as much as ever. And then she admited to having a crush on him…..my heart died. Fast forward a month until a few days ago, a month of her being indecisive and telling me we might get back together. All while this other guy is constantly in her life. Then after all of my understanding patience loyalty and discipline and even after this whole time she kept saying she loved me she still tells me she doesn’t want to get back together with me. My heart was crushed, she says she just wants to be single for now but I know that she really wants to be with this other guy, they’ve been all but dating for about 2 months as it is….and we’ve only been broken up for a few weeks. I love her with every bit of my soul. She said someday we may be together if fate brings us back together. Guys I cried so hard, for the last couple days. She said she loves me but isn’t in love with me….I was ready to give everything for this girl. She helped me grow up and change for the better, only to crush my heart in the end. I can’t stop thinking about her, I haven’t eaten a whole lot I’m completely devastated. I cry even as I type this….I has never loved anyone this much before. She said we couldn’t be together because we have to many differences, and when I tried to explain that I just needed to be shown that marriage and kids and beaches and stuff that I wasn’t originally into could be amazing with someone I love she just told me I was changing so I wouldn’t lose her. I told her that we couldn’t have been that different because up until all of these “problems” that she brought up we never once ever had a fight, everything was perfect…She always told me that I was the best guy she’s ever been with….why would she want to lose someone like me who has given her so much……And I just can’t deal with knowing that shes going to be doing things with this guy that her and I did together…It breaks my heart. How can me being a good guy and letting her be friends with whomever she wants backfire so bad. How can one guy she just started talking to compeate so easily with everything her and I have shared together.

[Teuen101]

I'm so sorry my friend- what she has done to you isnt right she should have been honest and up front if she was into some one else- she should have said something- but like most females not all but some ! they never know what they want.

 

I wish I could take you're pain away b/c I know what you're feeling sort of the same thing happend to me- you feel so lied too- b/c you tried to be so loving and she walked all over it and you.

 

One thing you must understand and you're going to hear this over here is walk away! say nothing to her - dont beg- dont text- dont try to figure anything out- dont try to put your self into her mind- if she texts you or calls dont text back or pick up the calls- just poof out of her life!

 

If you say do anything at this point it will only make it worse and you'll look back and say why did I waste my time and it will only hurt you more not her !

 

She **** on you man- she lied- cheated- let her go and never look back- dont hope for anything b/c she isnt worth you're time..

 

You did nothing wrong ! let me repeat that ! you did nothing wrong !

 

say it with me !

 

you did nothing wrong- you sound like a good guy- count your self lucky! you didnt have kids with this person and you found out how she really was!

[Teuen101]

Right now she is all into her self and some otheir man ! it was her call she dont care about your feelings only things she may care about is the guilt she is feeling for being a cheat- but she dont care bro- if she did this would have never happend !

 

you dont treat people you love the way she just did you!

 

walk away ! dont look back ! run ! if you need to post - express your feelings here not to her !

 

she isnt worth your time !

[EmperorR]

GO NC, dont do what I did, cling around being friends after being cheated and dumped

[Cub]

My sincerest apologies, Knight, but there's no magic cure to your heartache or her indifference. We can give you what advice we think is best and tell you what you need to hear, but only you can change your situation.

 

That being said, it's not your fault. I can only go by what you've said here, but your situation presents itself favorably - you weren't controlling, impatient or abusive, and you handled the later part of your relationship as well as anyone could. Kudos. But you do sound somewhat flimsy on your convictions - you shouldn't be. A relationship takes two people to work! If you're changing based on her whims, then you present as a trained monkey instead of a boyfriend; you give her too much control and lose her respect. Counterintuitive, I know, but that's how it works.

 

Just a little something to work on in the future. You don't have to be mean about it, but you should make what you want known and trust that she will still love you for it. If she doesn't, then she's fickle and immature; in short, not worth your time.

 

And that being said, the resolution of your problem is, in itself, problematic. She's definitely interested in the other guy, so don't trust that she'll stay single long; but you shouldn't let such thoughts weigh you down. When she says she's confused, she means it. She found herself becoming close to him, but the guilt of still being with you ravaged her mind and just pushed her further away from you while pushing her closer to him, who she began to see as the clean slate, free of murky feelings - the deleterious cycle.

 

Here's the good news: They probably won't be together long. What she's pursuing, she'll soon find, is not as green a pasture as it seems; it just looks grand from her patch of brown grass.

 

Now you have to decide what you want. You should know, there is someone better for you, and she's waiting you to find her. You don't have to take such abuse! You can do better! However, if you want to try again with this other girl, she can become that better person with time. First thing's first; you have to cut her, cold turkey. Say you love her, then vanish. I'd avoid this guy too - he doesn't sound like a good friend, and you wouldn't want him reporting back to her. The point is to drop off the face of the earth... you need this time to heal, and the more she knows about you, the more you'll hear about her (They love to broadcast their improved situation. I'm not sure why).

 

Just keep busy. The more you idle, the more you'll wish for her to fill that void, and the longer your pain will drag on. You MUST replace her, and replace the time you spent with her - not with another relationship, but with hobbies or friends. Whatever you do, don't stop moving forward. It's the only direction you've been left, so roll with it.