Morgenstern Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I can't talk to ppl at work or school or anywhere! If people at work are conversing, I cant join I have to sit alone or else she says im cheating and says we are over. She always checks my e-mail and internet history and constantly says im attracted to other people and cheating. Is it me being selfish or should be I allowed to talk to my cube mate about a crazy caller I just had and laugh about it for a minute... Also its important to note that I dont do anything wrong. She said I was cheating on her because I had to e-mail girls for a school project. She read and saw every e-mail. Totally neutral and professional and still she said I was interested in them. I don't watch porn either yet she always says I do, she "knows" I do. It just crazy.
movingonandon Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 my experience with this suggests that unless she addresses her issues that make her doubt you so much, this relationship does not look good. SHe is obsessed about you cheating because for some reason she feels very insecure around you. This could be for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Worse, anything can be interpreted as :cheating" if she's bent on this, and this can reach absurd proportions (my ex still refuses to believe that I went to the movies alone while I lived in another city with no friends and under stress; or that i went to bed at 10 etc... All the "evidence" of my infidelity I ever gave are a couple of occasions when i've been innatentive to her in the presense of other girls...) basically, do not get annoyed, do not brush these things off as absurt, but try to talk to her and reassure her; but if she does not become more self-aware i'd recommend moving on...
Author Morgenstern Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 She isnt cheating on me I know that. She has no time because we are together all of our free time. Which also is another reason why she should know Im not cheating on her. She has reasons to be distrusting of men because of things that have happened to her. All of her evidence is that my cube mate at work who is female e-mailed me once about covering hours, and that sometimes when we are out I glance at girls. I glance at men too, if I see something moving out of the corner of my eye I glance at it. Its a natural reaction. I check my e-mail once or twice a day, so im waiting for girls to e-mail me. Even tho she checks my e-mail and voice mail at random, and hasnt found anything... im still talking to girls through these mediums. Its just silly. I love her I really do but im getting to the point where i laugh at her when she starts accusing me and this cant be good for her either.
carhill Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 IMO, spending all your free time together, combined with what you're writing here, is a death knell for any potential R. Sorry to say She needs alone time to find her own health. Do you see a path to change of her psychology? Therapy perhaps?
Author Morgenstern Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Ive been trying to get her to go for a few months. I offered to go. I offered to pay for it even. She won't go she says they are just going to tell her to get over it. She says we are done every other day because of my actions (which dont ever actually happen) and if im at her house she tells me to leave. I tell her no i dont want to be done i dont want to leave. She says leave. So I leave. and then im the bad guy because if i really wanted to be with her I would have stayed. IDK if some one tells me to leave twice, im leaving im not playing games. I said the other day my life feels like a citcom and i really feel that way lol.
carhill Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Short version is she has serious emotional and likely psychological issues. I wouldn't be surprised if her boundaries are poor (ergo not purposeful cheating but poor impulse control) and she projects her issues onto a willing subject (that's you). Sometimes you have to let someone you love go (assuming you love her). If you aren't careful, she'll suck the life and sanity out of you. Trust me
Author Morgenstern Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I dont know. I suppose I could stop giving into her demands which she uses to prevent me from cheating, and let her leave me if she doesnt like it. If it works then I would not have to leave her. I couldnt do it. I love her. But I agree this is not healthy or normal.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 This may sound extreme, but I genuinely mean it. If she won't seek help for her problem (and yes, it is HER PROBLEM -- from what you've described, you've done nothing wrong), you should dump her. If she continues to be like that, and you stay with her, you will become miserable. It is completely reasonable that you be able to speak to women, look at them (i.e. let them within your field of vision), and even have them as friends, WITHOUT having to suffer her accusations and interrogations.
movingonandon Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Short version is she has serious emotional and likely psychological issues. I wouldn't be surprised if her boundaries are poor (ergo not purposeful cheating but poor impulse control) and she projects her issues onto a willing subject (that's you). Sometimes you have to let someone you love go (assuming you love her). If you aren't careful, she'll suck the life and sanity out of you. Trust me interesting, could you please elaborate on the boundaries issue/impulse control? or recommend references? (obviously, my interest in this is biographical, and I don't want to hijack OPs tread, but that's very interesting and non-obvious possibility. The way I hooked up with my ex combined with her pathological jealoucy speaks to the boundary issue --> once she decided she liked me, she just showed up in my room with no underwear, no drama or probing . of course, for the longest time i was convinced that this was simply a predictable result of my irresistable hotness , but there may be other issues involved
carhill Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 IMO, the best sources of information and reference are psychological texts. We spent a year in MC with a clinical psychologist and I really picked his brain about early childhood experiences in particular.
Author Morgenstern Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I dont want to broadcast her issues, but she has been cheated on multiple times, phsyically abused/assaulted, and her father left her twice. Its messed up, dont ask She isn't to blame for being scared but she needs to control how she acts when she is.
carhill Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I'll say this gently. You're not her therapist. If you try to be so, with the emotional attachment you have (or will have), it will kill you. Don't do it. Trust me With all that on her plate, IMO she needs a full-on psychiatrist and likely meds of some sort. For all you know, the behaviors you're seeing are being "in control". Ask me how I know this....
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I can't talk to ppl at work or school or anywhere! If people at work are conversing, I cant join I have to sit alone or else she says im cheating and says we are over. She always checks my e-mail and internet history and constantly says im attracted to other people and cheating. Is it me being selfish or should be I allowed to talk to my cube mate about a crazy caller I just had and laugh about it for a minute... Also its important to note that I dont do anything wrong. She said I was cheating on her because I had to e-mail girls for a school project. She read and saw every e-mail. Totally neutral and professional and still she said I was interested in them. I don't watch porn either yet she always says I do, she "knows" I do. It just crazy. Wow, that's nuts. Why are you still with her?
You'reasian Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Those are her issues, not yours. Women and men both are allowed to look at the opposite sex - the good thing is when you're with someone you are comfortable with and trust, you can catch 'em doing it, and tease 'em about it later, which if tweaked the right way can be done flirtatious and before you know it you've both dropped what you've been doing and are in some new position you've never tried before....no pun intended
Author Morgenstern Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Wow, that's nuts. Why are you still with her? I love her dearly.
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I love her dearly. This will only get worse until she addresses her issues. I do understand how it feels like to be cheated on but she's exceeded the line for sane, to compensate for her personal insecurities. Becoming an abusive gaoler isn't the way to do it.
Author Morgenstern Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Those are her issues, not yours. Women and men both are allowed to look at the opposite sex - the good thing is when you're with someone you are comfortable with and trust, you can catch 'em doing it, and tease 'em about it later, which if tweaked the right way can be done flirtatious and before you know it you've both dropped what you've been doing and are in some new position you've never tried before....no pun intended And you know what idc if she says a movie star or sports star is hot. If she said her friend or her exes were id be mad or like yea what ever but i wouldnt say anything. Id get over it lol. I don't want to go looking and staring girls just if i happen to glance at one, or they are on tv or in a movie, i dont want to have to feel like ive just murdered some one.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Yeah, obviously she has major insecurities and problems that go way beyond a little touch of insecurity. And by allowing her to police your behavior, you're only enabling them. It's really holding both of you back from having normal interactions -- with each other, and you with other people. The only way she's ever going to be motivated to deal with her problem is to see that it's unhealthy, that she's going to have to deal with it if she wants to have a healthy relationship. If I were in your position, I would insist that she go to counseling. It sounds much too consuming for her to beat it on her own. If she wouldn't do that, I'd end the relationship.
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