gennamoon Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I found out last night that my (what I thought to be) best friend, has been "hanging out with" aka dating my exboyfriend. Him and I broke up in July, but the end of August he started contacting me and we were casually hanging out together, talking and not just that but being physical too (big mistake); however five weeks ago he said we couldn't keep doing "this". I would say it was about two weeks later that they started talking. The sickest part about this is, I had a feeling that there was something up and last Saturday when I was hanging out with her I asked her a couple very casual questions which she LIED to my face about. So, I approach her last night and said "I get the feeling we need to talk", she said "yeah, I need to talk to you". So, she takes me outside of the bar we were at and tells me they've been hanging out, she really feels a connection with him, blah, blah, blah...then says that she has Christmas gifts for my two little girls and would still very much like to give them to my girls. Her and I have been friends for 10 years...she saw both of my little girls be born, my family knows her, she has been at every birthday my party for my girls, etc, etc...this is how she repays me. I didn't really know what to say to her after she got done...all I said was, "good luck, I hope it works out." As soon as we went back inside, they then decide that NOW they can sit together at the bar and talk all close with each other. The other thing that irritates me is...her, myself and him all have the same group of friends...that's why I was out last night because I was with a bunch of the others. Anyway, not all of the friends that were there, but a couple of the ones I thought I was close to knew this whole thing was going on BUT somehow nobody told me a thing. They all know how hard I have taken this breakup and my "friend" knows more so than anyone because I've cried to her about it repeatedly. He didn't even have the decency to say a word to me or look at me for that matter. I have deleted her and two of the other girls from my myspace page...I deleted his number, her number and all of the text messages I had saved from him off of my phone. I know have to take any and all pictures I have of her out of my daughter's photo album and throw them out. This is the absolute worst thing that anybody has ever done to me. Six weeks ago, I was sleeping with him, sitting up until 3:30 am talking about a bunch of really deep life crap and now he's sleeping with her. If anybody has anything to say I could really use it right now.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 First of all, I am so sorry that one of your best friends has gotten involved with your ex. Sometimes feelings just happen. I'd expect your friend to know better to get involved with that guy though. If she knew about how you kept sleeping with your ex up until 6 weeks ago, how you were still holding onto him to come back - then that is downright dirty. I've found my friends ex's attractive before, but if they break my friends hearts? If they drag them through the mud? There is no way in hell I'd date them, let alone be anything more than a very very casual friend. Because it was only 6 weeks ago that you and him were close, I was going to say your best friend could kind of be a rebound. Though considering you and him broke up many months ago, that may not be the case. It does sound however that he never really resolved his issues with letting go of you before he started to see someone else - and thats never healthy. Your ex needs to be able to stand on his own to feet somewhat before he hops into another relationship. I guess thats all I can contribute. I've never experienced this myself, nor have any of my friends gone through this - but I will say that time heals all things. Stay strong.
EmperorR Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Now you know who your real friends are. There are millions of guys in the world and she had to mess around with your ex. All my friends know never to do anything like that.
Angel1111 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 A real friend would not do this to you. If nothing else, she should've held off being with him for a long time - and she should've talked to you about it before they ever started anything. I'd drop her like a hot potato.
alwayssme Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 you have every right to feel angry...she should have never done that. Just one thing I suggest through this whole thing, try not to show them hurt, cut them out of your life but remain the bigger person. as in dont argue with them or nothing. silence speaks louder then words. Good luck. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. We're here for you!
Geishawhelk Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I'm sorry, I disagree. What your friends do, and what your ex-does, is up to them. I know you think it's hurtful and deceitful, but actually, you'd have no right to ask them to not do this, and really, we can't always help emotions. At least she spoke to you, and really, I'm afraid you need to get over it. They have as much right to see one another as you would seeing anyyone else. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's a fact of life. Love is strange.......
TeaAbraham Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Oooh, don't get me started. My best friend and I were writing letters to each other as he was out of state, he would ask me about my ex. I confided in him the deepest issues my ex and I were having. He asks if I think I am going to stay with her. This struck me as odd, because of course we were going to work through our problems, she was the love of my life. I never got to respond to that last letter. I spoke with him on the phone a couple of days before I found out the truth. We talked about philosophy and other such trivialities. He said he was thinking about moving back out here. I was ecstatic. Mother F*cker. I told him how much I missed my best bud, and how he needed to come back. I visited him in Oregon a few months earlier. We had a great time. He doesn't offer me an ounce of truth. My ex and he had been talking for hours on the the phone every night for weeks. Sending love letters. I don't want to think about what else. I found out about things by overhearing my ex on the phone in our extra bedroom the same day she cut things off with me. That morning I was going to ask him if he wanted to move in with me, as my ex would be moving out. When I finally confront him he tells me he loves me. Painful stuff. I think Geisha is right. What your ex's and your friends do are up to them. Although in my case at least, maybe they could do their thing NOT during our relationship? That would be nice. Thanks. But what they do also says something about them, and how much you mean to them. They can do what they please, but that doesn't mean they aren't bonefide d*cks for it. Obviously you don't mean much to them. All that matters is their fling. I wouldn't stand for it. You can't do anything about it, but you can get those people who don't give a damn about you out of your life.
Geishawhelk Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I hear you Tea, and really, I think what your GF and your friend did was really pretty low and despicable. The difference here, is that gennamoon was already broken up with her ex- and her friend was up-front about it, and tried to be open with her. It seemed deceitful of her, but at least she had a talk with gennamoon. And, gennamoon did reply - "I hope it works out for you" so her friend thought she had her blessing. The scenario really now, doesn't give gennamoon much of a place to be outraged or offended by it. I'm sorry gennamoon, but I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and accept it.
Author gennamoon Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I appreciate the comments. I do understand that they are adults and have every right to do whatever they want to do; however, she didn't come to me to tell me. I went to her because I wanted to know what was going on...she didn't come to me even after one of our friends told her that she needed to be upfront and honest with me. Had I not gone over to her I really don't believe that she would've said a thing to me. She had the opportunity to tell me about it when I was in the privacy of her own living room and was saying to her, "If you hear that he's dating someone else could you please tell me because since it's still very fresh for me I don't want to walk into the bar and see him with a new chick...not this soon." She looked me square in the face and said, "I don't know of him dating anyone." That was one week ago and this has been going on for at least three weeks. Yes, I did say, "I hope this works for you...good luck" but I said it in a very sarcastic sort of way and seeing that her and I have been best friends for ten years she knows how I am. I didn't know what else to say without causing a scene and I didn't want to do that. All I have ever asked of my friends is to be upfront and honest with me. Yeah, we have been broken up since July, but we were still in constant communication and like I said started hanging out very casually again a month after the breakup. He was telling me that he had been thinking a lot about the two of us and how he hit a big bump on the road, but was going to get himself back together. I in no way took that as, "oh, he wants to get back together"; however, I did take it as he was going to try really hard to get everything back on track and to be patient with him. She actually had the chance to date him awhile ago, but wanted no parts of him, but now he's suddenly appealing. In fact, she wanted my opinion on how to blow him off because she didn't want to date him. She said she knew too much about him because that group of people had been friends since they were about 20. When he started showing interest in me many months later, I told her and talked to her about it. She thought it was great that he was interested because she thought we would be a good match. On top of that, he was married for 12 years and his exwife cheated on him with one of his friends. Now, yes, that was cheating on them while they were together, but they were in the process of splitting up. I don't want to fight with anybody on here. I posted this for some support. I was just saying to someone yesterday this is how I feel and I can feel how I want about things. Just like they have every right to feel however they want. It doesn't change the fact that it hurts. My four year old was just asking about her today and I had to find a way to tell a four year old why I was upset with her "auntie". I'm not saying how I feel is right, but it's how I feel.
0hpenelope Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Aww, gm. You do have our support and I think you are within your rights to feel angry. This scenario happened to 3 of my friends and the one who is in your position definitely had the support of our mutual friends. We definitely don't blame her for not wanting to have anything to do with the other two ever again - as saddening as it was to all of their mutual friends. She made her choice and she's okay. She doesn't care anymore - the only times she'd actually make the effort to think about it was when the other party would bother her on Facebook or what have you. No one will hold it against you when you decide that you don't want to talk to them ever or for a long time or for now. We definitely can't help who we fall for and indeed, love is strange. But in no way are you wrong for feeling really upset by this. You'll get over this. Seeing my friend go through the phases of anger, sadness, and bitterness back into her happy self... That's what I wish for you, too. Cope with this in however way you feel will be most helpful, excluding anything that will be harmful to yourself in any way. Oooh, don't get me started. My best friend and I were writing letters to each other as he was out of state, he would ask me about my ex. I confided in him the deepest issues my ex and I were having. He asks if I think I am going to stay with her. This struck me as odd, because of course we were going to work through our problems, she was the love of my life. I never got to respond to that last letter. I spoke with him on the phone a couple of days before I found out the truth. We talked about philosophy and other such trivialities. He said he was thinking about moving back out here. I was ecstatic. Mother F*cker. I told him how much I missed my best bud, and how he needed to come back. I visited him in Oregon a few months earlier. We had a great time. He doesn't offer me an ounce of truth. What the heck? What was he doing here, quietly chuckling to himself "Ahh, the dimwit. He doesn't know the kind of stuff I can blow up in his face." Terrible. (apologies for the slight threadjack, gm!)
replicator Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I don't want to fight with anybody on here. I posted this for some support. I was just saying to someone yesterday this is how I feel and I can feel how I want about things. Just like they have every right to feel however they want. It doesn't change the fact that it hurts. My four year old was just asking about her today and I had to find a way to tell a four year old why I was upset with her "auntie". I'm not saying how I feel is right, but it's how I feel. It's a shallow thing for her to do.. I'm sorry, but real friends don't date your ex behind your back. You have every right to be angry.
Geishawhelk Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 genna, let me ask you to break it down, with 'whys'... Why does it make you angry? (answer) Why? (answer) Why? (answer) persist, persist, persist, until you almost manage to get it down to one word..... I know this sounds kind of dumb, but by stripping it all down, dissecting it and really examining it in fine detail, we eventually arrive at the Seat of Anger, and once we realise what part of us is reacting, it's easier to address the issue head-on. And it's easier for us to confront the whole issue, heal, and move on. It's a great trick and very effective. Try it when you're ready......
sedgwick Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 All I can say is that I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. I cannot even imagine what your friend was thinking. To potentially give up a 10 year friendship for a guy? Huh?? That says WAY more about her than it does about you, trust me.
fabulousgal Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 They have as much right to see one another as you would seeing anyyone else. Yes we all have rights but every action has a reaction, and she sure as heck has the right to feel like her friend has betrayed their friendship. True friends don't act like this. Now she knows that this woman is not a true friend. Their are SO many men in the world, why go after her ex she is still involved with and loves? Connection schemxion, this friend is going to feel like a huge turd if this relationship ends and she realizes what she ruined with Gemma. You will get much better and bigger things darling.....this is some higher power's method of removing the ex from your life so you can find those things.
Author gennamoon Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Thanks everyone for your encouraging comments. I do agree that there are many more guys out there that she could've had. In fact not too long ago, she was saying that she wanted to find a guy that didn't live in this area maybe someone in a bigger city so that she could go visit and what not. She has repeatedly said how my ex is someone who isn't stable, has a lot of issues that he needs to work out, etc, etc yet she now wants to date him. I'm just more upset at the fact that she lied to my face over a week ago when I asked her those couple questions about him. She still hangs out with her on again/off again boyfriend that she's been dealing with for over seven years. In fact, just the other week I had dinner with her and her ex and he was asking her if she would come spend a weekend with him in New York City...she said YES...my ex has some serious trust issues so I'm sure her continuous involvement with her ex isn't going to go over well. The fact of the matter is since I know her fairly well and him, this isn't going to last and I know that when it blows up she's going to realize what happened, but she made her decision and I'm done. Geisha, I like you're suggestion on the whole asking myself why I'm angry and continue from there. I never thought of that and it's a great suggestion. Again, thanks everyone for you words.
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