People that you know you'll never see again

[BlueHarvest]

Yes, I do background checks. It hasn't slowed down my dating life since I'm not a numbers person. Since my separation, I've only dated or been in STRs with around 8 guys, plus or minus a couple, sometimes a couple of rounds with the same men, in approx. 2 years.

 

Yes, I usually date within my social network, including work contacts. I'm not in a hurry to date or be in a relationship. Been there, done that, it's not a big deal for me right now. My friends are good character judges. If they err, they err on the side of the conservative, which works perfectly for me. Where's there's smoke, there's fire.

 

So, I match my personal take on the guy, with their personal take on the guy. If both are positive, it's a go.

 

If this were a professional judgement, I would handle it solely by facts. Since it's personal, it's my preference.

 

The whole background check thing is rather creepy. Honestly, alot of these guys that make it through your "background check" if they knew about you doing the checks on them probably wouldn't even give you a second thought about dating you.

 

Getting the "go-to" from your friends is all fine and dandy but googling them is borderline stalker behavior. Regardless of what the internet LETS you do, doesn't mean it is necessarily right to do. I could go into a whole long thread about the internet thing but suffice it to say that the internet has along way to go before its multitude of uses can be sufficiently reigned in to a balanced medium for the general public to use without any self-destructive tendencies to over-run it.

 

Trial, I'm surprised at you, I went back and read some of your posts and issues and to me it seems that you might be suffering from BPD. (Borderline Personality Disorder), it would explain your dating habits.

 

Anywho, I think that first dates are the interview. The internet isn't going to tell you how they act, or how your chemistry between each other reacts. You should rely more upon the first date for your initial impression rather then google. If you are that afraid of being alone with a man for a first date, make sure it begins and ends in public (coffee shops, book stores) or even bring friends along. I know you will say that "This is my way of dating." but regardless your way obviously isn't bearing any fruition either is it?

[ipetree]

So you go through daily life completely turned off to everyone, except for people your "friends" might know? Then they must give their approval? That must make for a very small minded person, never being exposed or getting to know others.

 

What a miserable world we would live in if everyone was conducting background checks, or prejudging others based on third party bias.

[Trialbyfire]

The whole background check thing is rather creepy. Honestly, alot of these guys that make it through your "background check" if they knew about you doing the checks on them probably wouldn't even give you a second thought about dating you.

 

Getting the "go-to" from your friends is all fine and dandy but googling them is borderline stalker behavior. Regardless of what the internet LETS you do, doesn't mean it is necessarily right to do. I could go into a whole long thread about the internet thing but suffice it to say that the internet has along way to go before its multitude of uses can be sufficiently reigned in to a balanced medium for the general public to use without any self-destructive tendencies to over-run it.

 

Trial, I'm surprised at you, I went back and read some of your posts and issues and to me it seems that you might be suffering from BPD. (Borderline Personality Disorder), it would explain your dating habits.

 

Anywho, I think that first dates are the interview. The internet isn't going to tell you how they act, or how your chemistry between each other reacts. You should rely more upon the first date for your initial impression rather then google. If you are that afraid of being alone with a man for a first date, make sure it begins and ends in public (coffee shops, book stores) or even bring friends along. I know you will say that "This is my way of dating." but regardless your way obviously isn't bearing any fruition either is it?

I googled an actor. But thanks for that synopsis. Sorry to disappoint you but my old therapist for the cheating episode with my ex, would disagree with you.

 

Y'all keep on doing whatever you need to do. At least I won't get caught with a whackjob. You decide what kind of risks you're willing to take and proceed on.

[Fun2BMe]

 

I couldn't say," Hey, before you go, can I get your number?"

 

Ever been in a situation wherey ou had a time limit of some sort, but if it wasn't long enough, it woudl be "Uncool" to get her number?

 

That's happened to me a lot - I get impatient if the guy doesn't ask for my number and I start to walk away, still hoping he'll call after me to ask but if they don't I know they are regretting it and I feel like they deserve to learn a lesson cuz i'm not going to come back to try again.

[SierraRose]

I say offer your number. What's the worst thing that could happen? She say's no thanks? (I would make sure you have a cute, quirky comeback for that just in case) The best thing that could happen? She could become the love of your life. Take chances, no regrets.

[berrieh]

If you date strangers blindly, then you deserve what you get. That's why there are so many people who end up as unknowing OWs or end up with bigots.

 

Well... finding things out (large things like these and small things) is part of dating. As long as the first date is meeting him/her in a well-lit public place, what's the big deal? Frankly, it's not hard to tell if someone is married or in a LTR when dating them.

 

I trust my judgement of character enough not to request immediate references. I've never had a problem. I prefer not to date people I work with (potential for drama, been there, done that) or friends of friends (unless we really hit it off and take it really slow -- again, too much potential for drama).

 

Every person I ever knew was a stranger first.

[shadowplay]

I don't trust random meetings with strangers. If there's no way to verify through friends/acquaintances or some public form of verification, who he is, I won't date him.

 

People can be such self-entitled smucks about whether they're in a committed relationship or not.

 

But didn't you go on a date with that actor who you met in an elevator?

[Trialbyfire]

Well... finding things out (large things like these and small things) is part of dating. As long as the first date is meeting him/her in a well-lit public place, what's the big deal? Frankly, it's not hard to tell if someone is married or in a LTR when dating them.

 

I trust my judgement of character enough not to request immediate references. I've never had a problem. I prefer not to date people I work with (potential for drama, been there, done that) or friends of friends (unless we really hit it off and take it really slow -- again, too much potential for drama).

 

Every person I ever knew was a stranger first.

That's where we differ. I will not date a cheater. I also will not date a bigot, racist, neo/paleo-con, white supremist, all those horrific types.

 

You can't tell if someone's previously committed or any of the horrific personality types by just looking at them or meeting them once. That's why men who you've had the pleasure of associating with, for years, or men who are verifiable, hold no surprises.

[Trialbyfire]

But didn't you go on a date with that actor who you met in an elevator?

I googled the crap out of him and then had my cuz spill the beans and also check him out. She's in the business.

 

I've already explained this within this thread and in the original thread that was posted about the actor.

[berrieh]

That's where we differ. I will not date a cheater. I also will not date a bigot, racist, neo/paleo-con, white supremist, all those horrific types.

 

You can't tell if someone's previously committed or any of the horrific personality types by just looking at them or meeting them once. That's why men who you've had the pleasure of associating with, for years, or men who are verifiable, hold no surprises.

 

Well, I won't date a cheater or a racist either. But I'm interested enough in people to learn about them, before labeling them. Most people aren't horrific in my experience. I feel confident in my ability to spot racists and cheaters, and I never feel "trapped" in a first date -- if I drove myself and met in public, I can leave at any time. I'm not trapped at all.

[Isolde]

My favorite would be if a guy gave me his email or AIM screen name. I'd also give out one of my email addresses.

[Isolde]

Trial, how do you meet so many bigots? Maybe I'm just naive, but I don't think the scary type of supremacist is that common, and aren't they easy to pick out anyway?

[shadowplay]

Well, I won't date a cheater or a racist either. But I'm interested enough in people to learn about them, before labeling them. Most people aren't horrific in my experience. I feel confident in my ability to spot racists and cheaters, and I never feel "trapped" in a first date -- if I drove myself and met in public, I can leave at any time. I'm not trapped at all.

 

Yeah, I don't see it as a big deal if you meet in a public place and never go in his place or get into his car. It's rare, though, that a guy could interest me within the space of a few minutes. What would I be going on aside from his looks and whether he's at least semi-articulate?

[Trialbyfire]

Well, I won't date a cheater or a racist either. But I'm interested enough in people to learn about them, before labeling them. Most people aren't horrific in my experience. I feel confident in my ability to spot racists and cheaters, and I never feel "trapped" in a first date -- if I drove myself and met in public, I can leave at any time. I'm not trapped at all.

Where to me, it's a complete waste of my time to date anyone with that type of attitude. I prefilter, you filter after the fact. A different approach.

[berrieh]

It's rare, though, that a guy could interest me within the space of a few minutes. What would I be going on aside from his looks and whether he's at least semi-articulate?

 

Depends how intuitive a person you are, I think. I can tell a lot about a person by the way they phrase things, even in a short convo, and I can tell a lot on instinct (which hasn't really led me astray that often). But: Safety first, of course. I go on the combination of that instinct and how cute/witty I find them. I have only rarely displayed interest in a guy I'd otherwise "never see again" and met in public.

 

Where to me, it's a complete waste of my time to date anyone with that type of attitude. I prefilter, you filter after the fact. A different approach.

 

Well, to be clear, I've never wound up on a date with a racist or married man... and actually, the "strangers" I've met have been by far better dates on average (whether through online, socially downtown/at parties, or chance meetings) than anyone my friends have tried to set me up with. (None of those were crazy married racist murdering psychos either.)

 

I'm glad your way works for you, but it seems strange to suggest that it's basic prudence that everyone should abide by is all.

[shadowplay]

Depends how intuitive a person you are, I think. I can tell a lot about a person by the way they phrase things, even in a short convo, and I can tell a lot on instinct (which hasn't really led me astray that often). But: Safety first, of course. I go on the combination of that instinct and how cute/witty I find them. I have only rarely displayed interest in a guy I'd otherwise "never see again" and met in public.

 

 

 

Well, to be clear, I've never wound up on a date with a racist or married man... and actually, the "strangers" I've met have been by far better dates on average (whether through online, socially downtown/at parties, or chance meetings) than anyone my friends have tried to set me up with. (None of those were crazy married racist murdering psychos either.)

 

I'm glad your way works for you, but it seems strange to suggest that it's basic prudence that everyone should abide by is all.

 

Have you ever passed a guy on the street or in some public space and been totally intrigued like, "gee, he looks really interesting." You imagine all these things about him based on the way he looks, how he's dressed, how he carries himself, his facial expression. Something about him is instantly compelling to you and it's hard to say why. I"d say that happens to me a few times a year, depending on the places I visit. I always wonder "what if." I wish I was gutsy enough to go up to one of those guys and make a move. Unfortunately the guys who actually approach me tend to be far less interesting.

[berrieh]

Have you ever passed a guy on the street or in some public space and been totally intrigued like, "gee, he looks really interesting." You imagine all these things about him based on the way he looks, how he's dressed, how he carries himself, his facial expression. Something about them is instantly compelling to you and it's hard to say why. I"d say that happens to me a few times a year, depending on the places I visit. I always wonder "what if." I wish I was gutsy enough to go up to one of those guys and make a move.

 

Not exactly passed someone by, but close enough. I tend to start conversations with strangers (male and female) a lot, so I would start a convo first... not just give out my number.

 

I had a similar problem w/ the men who approached me not being my speed. A few of my male friends suggested I start being more proactive because they figured a lot of guys liked me but were probably intimidated... and the guys who would be turned off by a reasonably assertive woman (I still don't just "pick guys up" or anything...I just give them Proof of Interest) are not my type anyway.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm glad your way works for you, but it seems strange to suggest that it's basic prudence that everyone should abide by is all.

Here's what I said in one of my posts. Most of my posts are based on what I would personally do although this is a post that is generic.

 

If you date strangers blindly, then you deserve what you get. That's why there are so many people who end up as unknowing OWs or end up with bigots.

[berrieh]

Here's what I said in one of my posts. Most of my posts are based on what I would personally do although this is a post that is generic.

 

Right, and that was one thing I objected to. No need to go round and round, though. Live and let live, I say. My way works for me and I'm very happy. If you're happy in what you're doing, keep doing it! That's my motto, and that applies to all of us -- if "investigating" pre-date makes you happy, then I think that's lovely. Everyone is different.

[Trialbyfire]

Right, and that was one thing I objected to. No need to go round and round, though. Live and let live, I say. My way works for me and I'm very happy. If you're happy in what you're doing, keep doing it! That's my motto, and that applies to all of us -- if "investigating" pre-date makes you happy, then I think that's lovely. Everyone is different.

I agree that everyone is different. As long as people are willing to take responsibility for risks, it's their business. If they come onto LS and consistently make poor choices in life, then I don't have much sympathy for them.

[spookie]

I have lots of stories of guys I never thought I'd see again popping up where I least expect to ask me out, and I must say, I've always been impressed.

 

I wish more men would stop being pussies.

 

The best example I have is from back when I worked at my first strip club, as a waitress. There was one guy who went in there pretty regularly, but whom I'd only spoken to once. We had kind of an electrifying connection, but he was probably too old for me, and I was too fcvked up to be dating someone, and I'd never date someone who regularly went to strip clubs, so.... so I didn't think anything of it.

 

I quit that place soon after our conversation. A few months later, I got an email from him in my school account.

 

He'd tracked me down by my first name alone.

 

It made me feel really impressionable. Unfort. there was someone else in my life at that point, plus I was still too fcvked up to date, so I was pretty flaky. But it felt really awesome to be "pursued" like that, and if someone did something like that now I'd definitely take them up on the date.

[berrieh]

I agree that everyone is different. As long as people are willing to take responsibility for risks, it's their business. If they come onto LS and consistently make poor choices in life, then I don't have much sympathy for them.

 

I maintain that it's not a risk if you meet in a safe, public place, drive yourself, on your own terms, etc.

[Trialbyfire]

I maintain that it's not a risk if you meet in a safe, public place, drive yourself, on your own terms, etc.

Okay, you go for a drink in a public place and he drops a roofy into your drink. Do you always take your drink to the bathroom or do you chug it before going?

[spookie]

Okay, you go for a drink in a public place and he drops a roofy into your drink. Do you always take your drink to the bathroom or do you chug it before going?

 

Chug it, duh.

 

Why do you have such a cynical view of mankind? What proportion of the population do you think are capable of being rapists/ killers/ the types of guys who drop roofies in your drink?

 

IMO, it's a very very small percentage. I personally have never met someone I'd label as the "real creep" type. Even when I worked at a strip club, drunkenly grinding on guys in a g-string, nothing bad ever happened.

 

With that assumption, it's a bigger risk to walk down the street than go out with a stranger.

 

What statistics are YOU assuming about men, and people in general, and why?

[CarrieT]

I wish more men WOULD -- being self-employed, I don't have the same sort of social network to meet new folks and I am really not into bar hopping.

 

I go to high-end wine tastings, gallery openings, and museums and have yet to be asked for my number or anything...