sasha101 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Let's call the guy in question John. I was introduced to John through a mutual friend of ours. He is fairly new in town and doesn't know many people (by the way, our friend introduced us just so John could have another friend in town. He wasn't trying to set us up). John and I have many common interests and we seem to hit it off really well. In fact, he called our mutual friend after we met to thank him for introducing us. He often invites me to concerts and movies through email, but he never calls me to invite me to places. He is very reserved and appears to be a little on the timid side. Our mutual friend even described him as "totally socially awkward". When we first met about a month ago, I was dating someone and John knew this. Then I broke up with my boyfriend. There were a lot of reasons for the breakup, but one of them was because I was starting to have really strong feelings for John. John now knows that I'm single and things haven't progressed or regressed in our relationship now that he knows this. I have NOT told John how I feel about him. In my opinion there have been no real signs that John is indeed interested in me more than a friend. However, we talk online almost every day, and he is more often than not the one who initiates the online talks. We talk about our childhoods and other subjects that aren't small-talk. These conversations often last for hours. Another time, he called me at 3:30 in the morning, apparently just to say hi and to see what I was doing. Despite these things, he can be kind of flakey with plans sometimes, but I get the sense that he doesn't want to seem desperate to hang out. When we meet in real life it is usually AWKWARD. Really really awkward. The last time we hung out with a few of my friends, he was definitely talking to my girl friend much more than me. She is a lot more outgoing than me and is better at starting conversations. The whole situation was making me uncomfortable and I was acting very nervously the whole time because of it. I know that I might make John nervous too because of my behavior, but I can't help thinking that he might just be completely uninterested in me. John and I have hung out by ourselves several times and it's a little less awkward then, but even when lots of alcohol is involved (which there has been on several occasions) there is still this huge tension between us. We continue to talk online quite a bit. Am I just hanging on to some hope that's probably not there? Honestly, despite my strong feelings for him I do not feel comfortable making a move on someone who hasn't exhibited any direct signals of romantic interest. But I have never dated anyone who was as shy as I am! Everyone I have dated was way more outgoing than me and had no problems expressing their feelings for me. So how should I deal with this situation? Is it worth making a move, or does it sound like I will just get rejected?
zhsoj Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 There is a common sentiment that two shy people just won't work... I don't know if that is really true, but it does make some rational sense. I'd say there is a good chance that he is into you. But of course there is no sure-fire way to know other than to just flat-out ask. I say go for it. Maybe having the girl be forward backfires with more "confident" guys, but I don't think it will with the shy type; I myself would welcome it. I think it basically boils down to this: you are interested in him, there is a damn good chance that even if he is into you that he won't do anything simply because he is too afraid of rejection himself. So if you want this, you may have to take life by the horns and go for it. Hopefully he will be the type that becomes confident with you once the ball is rolling, and won't be continually shy. It's impossible to tell without trying.
Angel1111 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Calling you at 3am is just plain disrespectful. If a guy does this to you, either ignore the phone, or suggest the he call you during non-vampire hours. (Sorry, I've got Twilight on the brain...) All that aside, do you really want to be with a guy who doesn't even have the courage to ask you out, and who is a social misfit? I think all the online talking you're doing is ruining your real-life relationship with him. The next time he sends you an email asking you out, ignore it. Then after the date of the event passes, tell him, 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see the email in time. Next time you should call me.' In other words, re-direct him toward real-life conversations by not being so available online. Just a thought.
Author sasha101 Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I think I agree with you that our online chatting is kind of ruining our real life interactions. It's just so easy to fall into since both of us are shy.
norajane Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 You snooze, you lose. One of you has to make a move or nothing will change. If he's as much of a social misfit as you say, you should just ask him out. The worst that can happen is more awkwardness, and you're already dealing with that. Or the next time he asks you to something, just reply back with something like, "great, I'd love to go out on a date with you! what time will you pick me up?"
MN randomguy Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 So how should I deal with this situation? Is it worth making a move, or does it sound like I will just get rejected? Who knows, would it be that big of a deal if you did get rejected? I'd say it sounds like he's into you. Of course I don't know for sure. It can work. My cousin's wife made the first move. That was 11 years ago. She's the talker in the relationship. They just had their third kid and things seem to be going well. I wouldn't present it as "Oh, I broke up with my Ex for you and have been longing for you for months" But rather if you get into a playful situation, "look, you're an attractive person, I'm an attractive person, I think we should go on a date. Sound like fun?":cool:
Okeydokey Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 am in identical situation and don't really have much to offer besides sympathy. let us know if you find the magic solution!
xpaperxcutx Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 From personal experience, shy people rarely initiate. And even if a relationship is possible, their role will diminish especially if they're male. Imagine being the boyfriend in the R, not fun.
berrieh Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I'd say there's an 80% chance he's into you. Especially what with calling at 3am! Here's what I'd do: -Ask him to grab a drink on X night. (Worst he can do is say no thank you.) -Assuming he says yes, tell him, "You look really good tonight" and touch his arm when he gets there. (Try to gauge whether he's happy/flattered, nervous/shy, or oh-no-I-don't-feel-that-way. But don't overanalyze if you can't.) Flirt with him and see what happens. But I'm not that shy anymore! So, perhaps this would just go awkwardly between the two of you and not work, and you should try something more direct.
Perry Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 You could say something like: "Have you ever thought about you and I going on a real date, or do you like things as is?"
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