Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Hi folks, Guess I need some perspective on this (without judgment please ). I've been seeing this one guy about once a week since July or August (it was a bit more at first). He is nice, and sex is comfortable and friendly, but not a transcendent experience. Otherwise, he reliably keeps in touch, helps with errands sometimes, and is always pretty nice to me. There has been no going to the next level though, and we don't communicate on any sort of deep level, nor necessarily intellectually. This is what keeps me from moving forward with him. My brain and soul are not delighted with him. Then there's a second guy who I started getting to know at the beginning of this month. We communicate really well, and I'm always excited to see him, but I don't know whether this will turn into anything, even though we've gone out a few times now. Plus, he's on sabbatical and may not even be here by next summer. I'm not super attracted to him physically, but his brain and our communication really make me sort of giddy, and make him handsomer to me. We have many common interests and never run out of things to say to each other. He's a little less forthcoming in terms of his interest, but we talked almost every day this week and saw each other twice. So is it unfair to keep seeing the first guy while trying to figure out the second? Really, I only see guy one once a week, and there has never been any talk of commitment. He does occasionally refer to me as his girlfriend, though, which surprises me. Thoughts?
SushiX Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Why don't you keep them both for now until you see which one is the better deal? Women do this all the time anyways. Prime example of Monkey disease! lol.
Author Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Why don't you keep them both for now until you see which one is the better deal? Women do this all the time anyways. That's what I've been doing so far, and I didn't know women did this all the time. But I just wonder if there is something dishonest about it, or what my responsibility in terms of letting them know is. Maybe none? I don't know, this is a new circumstance for me.
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Cap, if you're not exclusive, there's no reason why you can't multi-date. For myself, I always ensure that they're both aware this is the case. Not everyone does that though, so it's your choice. In your shoes, I would especially tell the first guy so he doesn't feel like you're cheating on him. You'll find that enough guys (and girls) will make the assumption of exclusivity without the convo, especially since the two of you have been seeing each other for over 3 months. This happened to me with two guys who I stated more than once, that I was multi-dating within the two months that we dated.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Actually, I know of very few women that are capable of doing this. But why? Guys do it all the time - date around until it's made clear with one of the girls that it's "committed" and exclusive. For some reason women should feel guilty if they date more than one guy, like they're cheating, or some garbage. I'm guilty of getting attached too quickly to one guy because I excluded the possibility of dating other guys before exclusivity was even expected. I say have fun and decide which one you really like better. I seriously don't get why this is okay for guys but not girls. Give me a break.
SushiX Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 That's what I've been doing so far, and I didn't know women did this all the time. But I just wonder if there is something dishonest about it, or what my responsibility in terms of letting them know is. Maybe none? I don't know, this is a new circumstance for me. Well you are still sorta seeing the 1st guy and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere since your brain and soul are not delighted with him. You're only physically attracted to him but nothing more. That's sad. So lets see here. You can either choose to continue the sexual relationship with the brainless guy or have a deep and meaningful relationship with the intellectual one. Wow that's a tough one! lol
Author Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Well you are still sorta seeing the 1st guy and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere since your brain and soul are not delighted with him. You're only physically attracted to him but nothing more. That's sad. So lets see here. You can either choose to continue the sexual relationship with the brainless guy or have a deep and meaningful relationship with the intellectual one. Wow that's a tough one! lol I know, it sounds like a no brainer . The first one is not brainless, just happy to remain on a mundane level. I do think he is a nice and decent guy. But he is clearly not a long term partner for me. My brain and soul are very demanding. He is a very generous lover, however, which was fine until I started feeling all giddy about the other one.
Author Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 In your shoes, I would especially tell the first guy so he doesn't feel like you're cheating on him. You'll find that enough guys (and girls) will make the assumption of exclusivity without the convo, especially since the two of you have been seeing each other for over 3 months. I know that this happens, but once a week sex doesn't really cut it as a full blown relationship for me. When he was courting me, it was different, lots of dates, daily calls, etc. But this is now our rhythm, which is ok on a practical level, but not really evolving. I don't think the possibility is really there. But I think I'm experiencing the bird in the hand syndrome.
Lizzie60 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 That's what I've been doing so far, and I didn't know women did this all the time. But I just wonder if there is something dishonest about it, or what my responsibility in terms of letting them know is. Maybe none? I don't know, this is a new circumstance for me. There is absolutely nothing dishonest about this.. from what I read.. he sees you as a great friend.. (since it was more often at first, and has since gone down a little) and he has never showed any signs for more. Trust me.. if he was really into you.. he would have showed it a lot more. I say keep them both and go with the flow.. see how it goes.. People are too over-analytic these days.. just relax.. I don't think guy one is asking himself so many questions.. he is comfortable with you.. he might see someone else too on the side.. who knows? My bet is that these two will turn down to be great friends only.. (my gut feeling)..
prettybaby Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Here's what I would do: - dump the physical guy who has no intellectual connection - keep the intellectual connection guy as a friend (you're not attracted, why bother?) - keep looking for a better match on both physical and intellectual level
Author Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Here's what I would do: - keep the intellectual connection guy as a friend (you're not attracted, why bother?) He does have a very sexy brain, which does turn me on quite a bit. I'm trying not to let physical attraction be my number 1 requirement anymore, since that led me astray more than once. And I'm not repulsed by him or anything. He's a very pleasant looking fellow, and it feels nice when we hug. (There have only been a few minor goodbye kisses at this point.) People are too over-analytic these days.. just relax.. I don't think guy one is asking himself so many questions.. he is comfortable with you.. he might see someone else too on the side.. who knows? My bet is that these two will turn down to be great friends only.. (my gut feeling).. Yeah, guy one is happy for the one day a week and has made no greater demands. He's quite busy with work, is a single dad, has plenty on his plate. I think I'm just dessert. (and I doubt there's another woman--my gut feeling) As for turning out to be friends--who knows. I'm unclear if guy two is after friendship altogether, small goodbye kisses notwithstanding. The one thing I can say is that keeping one while checking out two is making me far less crazy than if I were just sitting around waiting for two to reveal his intentions (whatever they may be).
Author Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 or chose the one with most money.. I wish my mom had taught me that nugget of wisdom when I was but a girl.
Lizzie60 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Keep them both..and look for guy #3.. That,s a good way to look at it.. think about it.. get one guy (#1) for great friendship.. you can exchange stuff.. like you babysitting.. and him fixing some stuff in your house.. run errands.. etc.. Keep guy #2.. for sexy intellectual talks ... he keeps you mentally alert.. and he's good company.. Find guy#3 for amazing sex sessions.. who cares if he can't say two intelligent sentences.. Relax.. have fun.. life is about being happy, having fun and finding ways to achieve it..
Author Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Keep them both..and look for guy #3.. That,s a good way to look at it.. think about it.. get one guy (#1) for great friendship.. you can exchange stuff.. like you babysitting.. and him fixing some stuff in your house.. run errands.. etc.. Keep guy #2.. for sexy intellectual talks ... he keeps you mentally alert.. and he's good company.. Find guy#3 for amazing sex sessions.. who cares if he can't say two intelligent sentences.. Feels like I would have to quit my job to keep it up, but it does sound like a plan. Thanks!!
Lizzie60 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Feels like I would have to quit my job to keep it up, but it does sound like a plan. Thanks!! naaahhh.. it's way easier than you think... just make sure they don't show up at once.. (keep a log )
tincanman99 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 There is nothing wrong with dating multiple people as long as the people you are seeing know this up front. If they dont it could become a real problem. Whatever you do, dont like lie to them. Because if you lie and you get caught this will cause the person to reevaluate everything you have said to them and you will have no creditability anymore. Of course if this is just booty call stuff than maybe you or them wont care . Just remember the golden rule, treat others the way you would like to be treated.
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Of course if this is just booty call stuff than maybe you or them wont care . If that's the case, a simple disclosure won't be a big deal. If it becomes a big deal, then perhaps the other party doesn't just view it as a booty call and sees it as a real relationship. If that's the case and it's not something you want with this person, it's best to let them find someone who can meet their needs. In not disclosing, you leave room for some serious hurt.
Author Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 If that's the case, a simple disclosure won't be a big deal. If it becomes a big deal, then perhaps the other party doesn't just view it as a booty call and sees it as a real relationship. If that's the case and it's not something you want with this person, it's best to let them find someone who can meet their needs. In not disclosing, you leave room for some serious hurt. It feels a little like a booty call, but with some niceties around it. If this is his version of a real relationship, it is truly limited. I thought it would probably fizzle in time, and I was getting bored. A few weeks ago, I hadn't heard from him for 5 days, which was uncharacteristic, and I thought I should just let it go then, but then he turned up again. If I want to see him, it's fine. If I can't, it's fine with him too. I don't see how he could see it as a relationship, to the point that it hasn't felt important to have any discussions about it.
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 It feels a little like a booty call, but with some niceties around it. If this is his version of a real relationship, it is truly limited. I thought it would probably fizzle in time, and I was getting bored. A few weeks ago, I hadn't heard from him for 5 days, which was uncharacteristic, and I thought I should just let it go then, but then he turned up again. If I want to see him, it's fine. If I can't, it's fine with him too. I don't see how he could see it as a relationship, to the point that it hasn't felt important to have any discussions about it. While I understand what you're saying, I'm guessing part of your take is that you want to keep both men around and don't want to have the disclosure convo. From the perspective of STDs, do you think this is fair?
Author Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 While I understand what you're saying, I'm guessing part of your take is that you want to keep both men around and don't want to have the disclosure convo. From the perspective of STDs, do you think this is fair? I wouldn't sleep with both of them. That would just be weird. Though when I was younger this wouldn't have stopped me, it now takes me quite a while to get into bed with someone anyway. I need some sort of impression that they will stick around for a while. It took a good 3 months to get it on with guy one. Hence, my wondering if it is ok to keep up my relationship, such that it is, with him while I get to know guy two and figure out if I want to jump ship. I suppose a disclosure convo with guy one wouldn't hurt, but it almost seems besides the point since our contact is so defined (3 or 4 hours once a week). Granted, our schedules since September haven't allowed for much more, but frankly this has been enough for me.
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I wouldn't sleep with both of them. That would just be weird. Though when I was younger this wouldn't have stopped me, it now takes me quite a while to get into bed with someone anyway. I need some sort of impression that they will stick around for a while. It took a good 3 months to get it on with guy one. Hence, my wondering if it is ok to keep up my relationship, such that it is, with him while I get to know guy two and figure out if I want to jump ship. I suppose a disclosure convo with guy one wouldn't hurt, but it almost seems besides the point since our contact is so defined (3 or 4 hours once a week). Granted, our schedules since September haven't allowed for much more, but frankly this has been enough for me. Glad to hear that you're not going to sleep with both, especially without a disclosure discussion. To me, that's the ultimate in cake eating. Seriously ask yourself why you're hesitant with a disclosure discussion. You don't need to answer to me or anyone else on LS. You need to answer to yourself, if you can live with why or why not.
You'reasian Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Keep them both..and look for guy #3.. That,s a good way to look at it.. think about it.. get one guy (#1) for great friendship.. you can exchange stuff.. like you babysitting.. and him fixing some stuff in your house.. run errands.. etc.. Keep guy #2.. for sexy intellectual talks ... he keeps you mentally alert.. and he's good company.. Find guy#3 for amazing sex sessions.. who cares if he can't say two intelligent sentences.. Relax.. have fun.. life is about being happy, having fun and finding ways to achieve it.. Hedonism at its best Life is not always about being happy and comfortable - since the things we desire most require payment - whether it be tangible or not. Take body sculpting - you can either spend $$$$ for the gastric bypass, dieticians, personal trainers or spend the time/effort to do it yourself.
Author Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Take body sculpting - you can either spend $$$$ for the gastric bypass, dieticians, personal trainers or spend the time/effort to do it yourself. Not quite sure how this analogy applies...
tincanman99 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 If you dont want to have a discussion thats your right but I can tell you this as a guy, if I found out that you were dating someone else and I thought otherwise I would not be happy. Especially if you were possibly sleeping with him. Because this is deception no matter what you want to call it. Its otherwise known as using your people for your own self edification. If you are ok with that, thats your business but its bad karma no matter how you cut it.
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