Told my wife she is fat...

[Mr. Lucky]

I've never dated anyone, nvm married them, who isn't financially responsible or relatively financially secure.

While I realize there's a lack of information here, I think you've missed the point. In this analogy, your "financially responsible" partner would stop working and supporting you and your family once married. And many posters here, women included, wouldn't hesitate to identify and label such a man as lazy and irresponsible. A woman that goes from a size 10-12 to 16-18 has, other things being equal, similarly compromised the relationship. Recovery from this point depends on many variables...

 

Mr. Lucky

[norajane]

Caliman posted about having a LDR that was having issues at the very end of Feb in '07 so now he's apparently a newlywed. I find it hard to believe that someone could jump up 7 dress sizes in such a short span of time without having some type of serious issues going on or am I off base?

 

 

I agree. If he just got married and she gained that much weight in such a short span of time, there's something wrong there.

[Trialbyfire]

While I realize there's a lack of information here, I think you've missed the point. In this analogy, your "financially responsible" partner would stop working and supporting you and your family once married. And many posters here, women included, wouldn't hesitate to identify and label such a man as lazy and irresponsible. A woman that goes from a size 10-12 to 16-18 has, other things being equal, similarly compromised the relationship. Recovery from this point depends on many variables...

 

Mr. Lucky

No, I didn't miss the point. My point is that people should seriously look at needs before getting married. If they need someone who's going to stay in shape, they should ensure that they find someone who's like that, rather than assume someone will remain the same size in a decade or two, after having babies and aging. No one gains as much weight as the OP claims and lacks self-confidence, when they weren't that way in the first place unless they're put under serious emotional and mental duress.

 

Overall Mr. Lucky, the OP isn't really in this situation since he was only 20 years old 3 years ago and was still only in an LDR, a year ago.

[serial muse]

Someone pointed out earlier that Caliman has these other threads. Assuming this is the same former LDR person and he has since married her, I'd say it's not too much of a stretch to also imagine that depression - she didn't want to move to where he is out of a deep fear of loneliness, according to him - probably has a thing or two to do with her weight gain.

 

I don't necessarily have a problem with telling your S.O. that gaining a significant amount of weight is a turnoff (although perhaps not so bluntly). But does anyone really think that's the main issue here? That kind of difficult honest opener should be a way to open a door to a real discussion of what's going on in the relationship. But here it sounds like he just dropped a hit-and-run "lose weight, you lazy slob" bomb.

 

I'd like to see Caliman do a little soul-searching of his own...it seems odd to me that - given that he was pretty upset that she was dragging her heels about moving and that he knew how reluctant she was about it and how fearful - he's not willing to deal with the possibility that maybe there is something psychological going on...and that he shares some responsibility for that. I wondered if he's talked to her about this? In the earlier threads, he expressed his own frustration with her reluctance to move, but not much about seeing it from her point of view. Caliman, have you at least discussed with her whether she's unhappy in your current location?

 

There must be more information here. Why did she gain so much weight in such a short period of time?

[OWoman]

And I know no men who do this. Do you & I live on different planets?? :laugh:

 

The good news, is, I do.

The bad news is - they're gay.

 

Nope - it's just that no one told them that metrosexuals are so last Tuesday.

 

They really really aren't gay - though of course they're completely comfortable with their feminine side and happily wear pink shirts and even wax their legs before the big cycle race (cycling being good aerobic exercise and a great way to stay in shape for these health conscious types!) although they hide that beneath long trousers! In fact I can't recall any offhand who don't have absolutely stunning Ws / GFs and usually a swathe of airbrushed kids as accessories so I think there's a fair amount of competition involved.

 

It's probably also a social class thing.

[Geishawhelk]

The good news, is, I do.

The bad news is - they're gay.

 

"Not that there's anything wrong with that"

 

Absolutely......!

I am so pro-gay, I forget people don't know that....!

I have so many really good gay freinds, I don't even see the difference.

 

Thanks Ronni_W!

[D-Jam]

D-Jam, why marry someone who doesn't have the same mindset as you do for whatever it is? If you need someone who lives a healthy lifestyle, then filter out those who don't, before getting married. I personally can't imagine being married to someone who lives on fast food, fattening food or junks out continuously.

 

The same holds true in a situation where you value high self-esteem and confidence. Why marry someone who has low self-esteem and lacks confidence?

I completely and wholeheartedly agree with you.

 

Seen men and women who are thin and look great in their 20s, but I can see further. They eat terribly, sit on the couch too much, and not hit the gym...or those who just diet themselves to death, but never work out. You can so see they'll totally suddenly gain weight like crazy when they get a little older.

 

I think anyone who wants a mate who stays in shape should seriously look out for these things. It's even why there is the debate on those who were fat...if they would gain weight again. Some believe they got thin because they want a mate, but won't stick to it...thus they want someone who was thin their whole lives. However, I see it the opposite. Someone who was once large, hated it, and then got into shape would be more obsessed with staying healthy and "never going back".

 

I certainly know that's my case.

 

My point was that the now-fat partner ought not make her/his weight reduction program part of the slimmer partner's responsibilities and activities.

I understand what you're getting at, and even how it should be a choice of the obese person, rather than them unwillingly doing it in the hopes they don't lose their SO. It's not a valid reason when.

 

I guess I just more think if you're the thinner one, and you already work out...then a positive means to get the SO to work out is maybe to invite them into your life. I personally think this would have been a better method for Caliman to try.

[Ronni_W]

I have so many really good gay freinds, I don't even see the difference.

I'm totally on board with you, Geisha -- at risk of aging myself (again), was a "fa* hag" even before that term was even coined.

The line I quoted was from that Seinfeld episode where reference to being gay is made quite a few times...and the come-back is, "No, of course not."

 

I guess I just more think if you're the thinner one, and you already work out...

Oh yeah...would then be crazy NOT to invite your chubby partner. It's when the slim partner doesn't do "fit & healthy" as part of her/his own regimen that his/her active participation ought not be expected.

 

In my own case, b/f can eat a dozen horses and not gain an ounce, whereas I can't even think about a slice of cake! It is 100% on me to maintain whatever weight I'm comfortable at, and to get back down to that when the need arises...without dragging him into any of my struggles.

[MarriageZone]

Both men and women put on weight over the marriage and especially as we get older.

 

I to had put on weight after having three kids. But my husband has loved for who I am not for what I use to look like.

 

There were many times I didn't feel attractive and my self asteem was low. However, my husband never waivered in his love for me.

 

You say that it is her attitude about her self but I think it's your attitude toward her. It says that you are only interested in the outward appearance and believe me she is reading your body language. At this point the both of you are being shallow.

 

Perhaps you should try to look past her physical appearance and try to motivate her. Once a person looses confidence they become depressed and with that depression comes lack of confidence.

 

You are her husband you are suppose to have her back no matter what. What if you or her were in an accident that left either of you less than whole? Do you jump ship?

 

Help her by restoring her confidence in herself and you. Try working out together. Try buying and cooking foods that are healthy for her. Give her and yourself goals that are realistically attainable.

 

Above all find the love that is within you for her.

[2sure]

When I first saw the title of this thread on monday..I thought: Thems fightin words. This guy is screwed. No way to redeem yourself once the FAT word is spoken. So, I didnt read the post.

 

But now I have read it. I think this guy loves his wife and would find her attractive if she found herself attractive. Its very sweet. Confidence is sexy.

 

If he could find a way to convey this to her...that her being attractive, is an option , even with the extra weight...she would get some confidence back and feel motivated to lose the weight.

[theBrokenMuse]

Nope - it's just that no one told them that metrosexuals are so last Tuesday.

 

They really really aren't gay - though of course they're completely comfortable with their feminine side and happily wear pink shirts and even wax their legs before the big cycle race (cycling being good aerobic exercise and a great way to stay in shape for these health conscious types!) although they hide that beneath long trousers! In fact I can't recall any offhand who don't have absolutely stunning Ws / GFs and usually a swathe of airbrushed kids as accessories so I think there's a fair amount of competition involved.

 

It's probably also a social class thing.

 

Plastic men obsessed with their looks to the point of emasculating themselves, yuck just yuck.

[Star Gazer]

He's only 23.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=560411#post560411

[2sure]

Wow. 23. Married young but sounds fairly ...

Still. Fat already huh?

[flc]

Weight is so easy to gain and so hard to lose that it is an eternal problem. I am 5'8" and at one point I ballooned up to 210lbs, I knew it was bad for me, I didn't like the way I looked but it was a lot easier just ignoring it than doing something about it. In addition my xW did nothing to encourage me to lose weight and even resented me when I tried to work out as taking time away from the family.

 

Like being an alcoholic you have to realize that being obese is killing you and any kind of descent lifestyle you want to live. You have to make lifestyle changes, that means 3-5 days a week of exercise and moderate eating and drinking. It is hard work but after 2.5 years I have dropped 5" from my waist and 45lbs, it is a constant battle to not regain weight. But all of this comes down to personal choices YOU make, if you blame it on external factors you will never achieve any real results.

 

OP provide encouragement for your wife, sign up for a gym and go with her. Go out for walks together and make sure you plan meals correctly. Make being healthy and fit a goal for both of you, you may be slim now but as you age that might change.

 

BTW I also use a body groomer and make sure my ear and nose hairs stay trimmed. Not gay but there is no reason that you can't spend a little bit of time on self grooming. Take pride in the way you look.

[Mr. Lucky]

You are her husband you are suppose to have her back no matter what. What if you or her were in an accident that left either of you less than whole? Do you jump ship?

You know, this old canard gets trotted out every time this discussion comes up. But the reality is, she hasn't been in an accident. And just because someone marries you "for better or worse" isn't a blank check to explore the limits in your relationship of what "worse" is. The OP should support her efforts but the fix has to come from her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wildflowerchild98]

I don't understand this at all! it makes me sick because it is men like you who make us women feel so damn insecure and worthless!!!! You need to grow up and be more respectful of the one you love!!! I am sorry this is how I feel!

[blind_otter]

RIGHT after childbirth, sure, but after 6 weeks to two months, your body's hormones are back to normal unless you're breastfeeding, in which case the weight all falls off in seconds anyway. Unless of course you have hormonal problems, in which case treatement is warranted, and support from the partner would be part of that.

 

Meh, not necessarily. From what I understand it is much easier to lose babyweight when you breastfeed, yes, but only to a certain point.

 

As long as you are exclusively breastfeeding (which should be up to 6 months or so) your body will hold onto an extra 10-15 lbs, no matter what you do, and you are not supposed to restrict your caloric intake (actually you are supposed to have an extra 200 calories a day or so) as that can be detrimentally alter your milk supply. It's a protective measure to make sure you have enough to feed your baby even if you, yourself, are going hungry.

 

I have been told by MULTIPLE sources, from la leche league to other experienced mothers, that I should take as long as I was pregnant to lose the weight. Otherwise you end up with a lot of excess skin. Postpartum weight loss should be a gradual process.

[amaysngrace]

I have been told by MULTIPLE sources, from la leche league to other experienced mothers, that I should take as long as I was pregnant to lose the weight.

 

Exactly. If it took nine months to get that way it'll take nine months to get back.

 

If you stress too soon about it you could lose your milk or develop PPD from having an unrealistic expectation.

 

Nursing should be relaxing for both the baby and the mother. Besides I don't think mothers that nurse really care about their bodies being slim as much as they care about getting enough caloric intake to maintain the milk supply for their baby.

 

Call it a hunch.

[movingonandon]

Well telling her she is FAT is a sure fire way to get her motivated.

 

I'm sure that is what you thought you were doing, but it doesn't work like that. Some will say, even you maybe, you were just being honest, well here's ya prize for being honest. Anyway, there is right way and wrong way to go about something.

 

I'm assuming you look the same as you did when you first got married? Maybe she thinks your attitude stinks? I deffo agree with the other posters about being a little more supportive and positive. That more than likely help things alot more than saying the things you have said.

 

This gets mentioned A LOT here. I'm sure he is quilty in letting slide for long too. But, in the end of the day, everybody has responsibility for how they manage their lives. Being fat is one of the easiest, most unambigous issues/problems a person can have (as opposed, for example, to being depressed, unmotivated, etc.). Fat is bad, period, and I don't see why he should dance on egg shells around the issue. Sure, it's horrible to call her a "fat, lazy slob" (though he caller her this here, not in her face).

But it's equally stupid to sugar coat it and say lies such as it's realy your like of self esteem that turns me off. No, it is your lack of self esteem AND your gut.

So, what is wrong with being upfrond and saying "Honey, your weight is turning me off. I'll work with you and do whatever it takes to help you with this".

 

The point being that being supportive does noe mean sugarcoating the issue...

[Federica]

OP has not touched this forum since the 29th, nor has he responded in this thread.

I'm closing it, because it's just become a general discussion.

If Caliman returns and wants it open, he can come here and ask. No problem.