Told my wife she is fat...

[reddog63]

Obviously reddogg missed my post on the other page. I love how people assume she just "let herself go, just to be letting her self go".

 

No, I read your post. Was it suppose to change my opinion? I am not going to get caught up , " I love how people assume she just let herself go".

 

The majority of people are inactive and eat to much. That simple. I think you are sensitive to the issue because you are a woman, at least I assume so.

And you may find yourself over weight also.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I read your post. Was it suppose to change my opinion? I am not going to get caught up , " I love how people assume she just let herself go".

 

The majority of people are inactive and eat to much. That simple. I think you are sensitive to the issue because you are a woman, at least I assume so.

And you may find yourself over weight also.

Actually Jackjack is a good-looking, not overweight man with a petite, very cute wife. This is what happens when you make assumptions.

[JackJack]

No, I read your post. Was it suppose to change my opinion? I am not going to get caught up , " I love how people assume she just let herself go".

 

The majority of people are inactive and eat to much. That simple. I think you are sensitive to the issue because you are a woman, at least I assume so.

And you may find yourself over weight also.

 

I'm a man , sorry to disappoint you.

 

I didn't say you should change your opinon, and yes people do again weight, but sometimes for different reasons than just to let ones self go.

 

I love the mentality of some men too, who think if the wife has "just let herself go, he should dump her. If that is the case maybe some women should dump their men for being inseintive jerks. Who knows, maybe their insensitvity is why the "let themselves go."

[reddog63]

IF staying in shape were that important, perhaps this should have been discussed before they got married. Do you know for fact that this was discussed? What has caused her obesity? Do you know for fact that it's strictly from over-eating and not leading a healthy lifestyle? Do you know for fact that the OP himself leads a healthy lifestyle? Do you know for fact that the OP himself isn't obese?

 

I've never dated anyone, nvm married them, who isn't financially responsible or relatively financially secure.

 

The only need that I failed at ensuring for within my ex-marriage, was to trust, love and marry a guy who lied to me about his perspective of infidelity.

 

You are answering posts without knowing all the facts, right? I am also answering the posts not knowing all the facts. Who ever does?

 

You get caught up in , "do you know for a fact?"........that is not the point..........I am stating something that I do not understand you arguing with ............unless medically related , you OWE it to your spouse to keep your appearance up.............you are welcome to define what that means to you........for me if you really let yourself go, lets say you go from 130 to 200 lbs ...........this will most likely harm the marriage to some degree.......

 

Good for you that you never married someone who was not financially secure. But who cares......do you think i was making a point to match what you did?? It was an EXAMPLE!! It may or may not match your situation.

 

And yes........lol.......I would suggest a guy asks if future wife will stay in shape........

 

And sorry to hear you were cheated on......would not wish that on my worst enemy. I will say, there are usually reasons for it, meaning some need was not being met.

[Trialbyfire]

And sorry to hear you were cheated on......would not wish that on my worst enemy. I will say, there are usually reasons for it, meaning some need was not being met.

Yes, I failed to be a sufficient dependency source. Oh, and btw, he was diagnosed after D-day with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We've maintained contact over the past couple of years and he's still in deep therapy for his personal issues, trying to reroute his needs from unhealthy to healthy. Are you with me so far?

[blair08]

I don't think anyone is disputing the fact that people should try to keep up their apperence for their spouses. I do think however, they are saying we don't know the reason(s) why someone may let themselves go, that is assuming that is what they have done. There are a number of reasons why someone may have put on weight.

 

I think the OP was pretty vague with his story other than the fact he told her she was FAT. Hopefully he will come back and share more of the story.

[EnigmasMuse]

So how long to you plan on going with out sex since you cut her off for gaining weight?

[D-Jam]

Humm... not sure if YOUR attitude will help her lose the weight..

 

Maybe if you were a little more positive and supportive, she would feel more confident about it..

This is how I feel about this.

 

It's no secret in my talks here and on other boards that obesity is the #1 turnoff for me, but I always felt a supportive hand goes way farther than harsh reality in this matter.

 

The trick is to show you still see that beautiful woman you fell in love with, and would love to see it back, not tell her in so many ways she's ugly and undesirable.

 

When I felt like I gained weight, I made the effort to lose it, not just so my GF might or might not love me...but for my health and well-being. I was fat coming into my teen years, and I remember how hard it was to lose weight...as well as how cruel society can be. Add to that health problems I've seen obese relatives get into...it motivates me to be in shape for my own personal happiness.

 

If my GF gained weight, I would have brought it up when she gained 2-3 dress sizes, but I'd bring it up in manners that more show I want to do things with her. Toss up the idea of taking walks...or go hiking or biking on the weekend...or even tell her it's lonely at the gym and I'd love to have her with me as a workout partner.

 

I'd also change up the food in the house...and my excuse is that I am trying to watch MY WEIGHT. You would be surprised how motivated someone can get to lose weight when they feel they aren't alone. That's how Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers works. Suddenly you're both motivated.

 

AND...compliment her achievments. She loses 10 lbs, comes out ready for work one day...look at her with a devlish flirty grin...telling her how sexy she looks. It will boost her self-esteem and push her to go further.

 

Caliman, my suggestion for you is simply to apologize to her and tell her that while you are being honest...you chose the wrong words and approach. Simply tell her you love her, but you don't like that she's gained all this weight. Even mention how you stay in shape partially because you want to remain the man she fell in love with and married.

 

If she turns things around against you, and calls you shallow, or twists your words to make you out to be the bad guy who should accept a woman even if she gains 500-lbs, then I'd seriously wonder how much she cares about you over herself. If her staying thin was more a ruse to land a marriage and then go back to her old habits.

 

Like it or not, part of a good solid marriage in my book is trying to remain the person your mate fell in love with. This comes in terms of weight and even at times appearance. Some things can't be helped...like gray hair, hair loss, wrinkles, shrinking as you get older...but some can. If you gain weight, then you should work to keep it off not just for your marriage, but also for your own health. If you feel gutsy with hair implants or something (because you went bald), then go for it. If you're thinking of chopping your beautiful long hair into some short "soccer mom/guy cut", then talk with your SO first and see how he would react. If you want to grow a beard, talk to your wife and see if she would like it or not.

 

It's a partnership...and even in these matters you have to treat it as one. Realize that the other side has the right to have an opinion...not just blindly accept you any way you want to be.

[theBrokenMuse]

Caliman posted about having a LDR that was having issues at the very end of Feb in '07 so now he's apparently a newlywed. I find it hard to believe that someone could jump up 7 dress sizes in such a short span of time without having some type of serious issues going on or am I off base?

[Trialbyfire]

I'm a 20yo male. I've been in a relationship for about two years. Before I got into a relationship, i went out with my friends a lot like people do at this age but I got sick of it and all I really wanted was a girlfriend to have some sense of fulfilment as I wasn't getting this sleeping around and/or going out with my friends.

 

Now that I have been in a relationship for two years, I have turned the other way, everytime I go out I can't stop looking at other girls and I feel as though all I want to do is go out and sleep around...

 

My question is how do other guys especially young guys cope with this temptation? Do they cheat or just do nothing? I don't want to hurt my girlfriend of two years as we have a good bond, we argue and stuff but that's like every couple but on the other hand I have all these natural urges pushing me. What should I do?

Good question theBrokenMuse. Here's a thread from August 2005 where he's only 20 years old and in a two year relationship but not married.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t69280/

[soserious1]

 

I still love her as a person but not in a sexual way. She just doesn't turn me on.

 

 

So she shed a few tears and then took off. Now I feel bad, but I just can't see any other way to handle the situation, she wanted to know why so I told her. It is the truth, I can't help if I'm not attracted to her.

 

Opinons?

 

 

My husband said the same exact words to me.. only in my case it's because I'd become too old to arouse him physically.

 

He moved out awhile ago... and the paperwork for a divorce has been filed,

we're in the process of hashing out a settlement.

 

Once you get to the point in a marriage that you're flat out telling your spouse that they aren't attractive and don't arouse you..well stick a fork in it all, the marriage is history.Do yourself and her a favor,consult with a lawyer ASAP.. the longer you drag it out the uglier the things you say to each other will get.

[Ronni_W]

The trick is to show you still see that beautiful woman you fell in love with, and would love to see it back,

In general, I agree with taking a positive approach -- seeing, or trying to see, a loved one on a much deeper level than just the physical.

 

But I don't buy it, that it's on me to also start a fitness/diet program JUST BECAUSE my b/f gained a whole bunch of weight -- and I would not expect him to do that, either, of course.

 

Not that we won't want to support each other, but the responsibility to get up off the couch and stop eating junk food is that of the person who actually needs/wants to do that. It can't be on the "slimmer & trimmer" one, to have to manipulate the start, middle and end of the whole weight reduction/fitness process. Helping to maintain their motivation is a different thing entirely, IMO.

 

And speaking specifically about a weight issue...not if one partner develops diabetes or cancer or whatever. But even then, to my mind, there are limits as to what would be reasonable and realistic expectations for the healthy partner.

 

As to the OP, yes, it would have been a far better thing to have mentioned a developing issue about 4 dress sizes ago, using a positive approach that had more to do with care and concern for her physical, mental and emotional well-being.

[D-Jam]

I dunno Ronni. I still believe deep inside that if physical looks had little or nothing to do with dating, then we'd see way less people in the gym and way less people eating healthy. I'm not saying that everyone who eats right and works out is doing it to be attractive to the opposite sex, but I do believe a vast majority of those who maintain a good body have that in the list of reasons why.

 

I guess I see things as either make it clear and be supportive to my mate...or not get married. I know that sounds shallow, but I'm at the point in my life where I've been a compromiser and pleaser...and it got me burned. So I won't do it anymore. I'm less likely to marry someone who basically I can see will blimp out after the wedding, and I honestly won't be very positive and supportive of my wife if she gains weight (but make it clear I'd like her to get healthy) as well as keep my children healthy.

 

I'm not saying she needs to be some skinny model, but I am not going to marry and wake up years later next to Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah we hear to death how looks shouldn't be so important, and it's what's inside that counts...but my life experiences have shown me that it's about being the total package...period. That's what everyone wants. Everyone has their own definition of that package. For me, I'm very open minded on a lot of things...except weight.

 

I personally think your SO knowing you don't like obesity before the RL gets serious is a good thing...then he/she can decide if they want to remain with you. If they marry someone who doesn't like obesity (and they know it), then they should try to stay in shape for their SO...just as much as their SO should be the person to them that they fell in love with.

 

We hear to death about men and women who start off as kind, sweet, confident attractive people...then months into the RL they become bitches and jerks. Isn't this the same thing in a way?

 

ANYWAY...I still see nudging, manipulation, and positive support as way better than suddenly showing up with divorce papers.

[Trialbyfire]

D-Jam, why marry someone who doesn't have the same mindset as you do for whatever it is? If you need someone who lives a healthy lifestyle, then filter out those who don't, before getting married. I personally can't imagine being married to someone who lives on fast food, fattening food or junks out continuously.

 

The same holds true in a situation where you value high self-esteem and confidence. Why marry someone who has low self-esteem and lacks confidence?

[Ronni_W]

I dunno Ronni. I still believe deep inside that if physical looks had little or nothing to do with dating,

Oh, I do agree -- physical attraction IS important, and something needs to be said sooner than later when there is a (negative) change in one's physical attractiveness, over which there is control.

 

Most definitely, "We're not having sex (Or, I want a divorce) because you've gained a ton of weight," is NOT a way to introduce the problem.

 

My point was that the now-fat partner ought not make her/his weight reduction program part of the slimmer partner's responsibilities and activities.

I hear that in relationships quite often, "I'd lose weight if you went jogging with me and didn't keep chips in the house," or whatever the now-fat person chooses to pick on. To me, that's a BS excuse in place of self-discipline and self-motivation.

 

And then, for me to start jogging and not keeping chips just cos that's what he is asking/demanding/insisting upon...isn't that just me acting like a passive "compromiser and pleaser"?

 

Of course, if I was smart and really wanted him to trim down, I would get rid of the chips, start working out with him, and also pay attention to any underlying emotional/mental stresses that may have contributed to the weight gain. But all of that it needs to be appreciated as my CHOICE, not expected as my obligation, is what I was getting at.

[OWoman]

There are only a few situations where a husband or partner cannot rag on a woman about her weight. One of them is right after child birth. I mean, sorry, no nagging about weight for at least a year after a child is born.

 

RIGHT after childbirth, sure, but after 6 weeks to two months, your body's hormones are back to normal unless you're breastfeeding, in which case the weight all falls off in seconds anyway. Unless of course you have hormonal problems, in which case treatement is warranted, and support from the partner would be part of that.

 

On the more general issue though - I don't understand why people are jumping on CaliMan. He was honest - and if she couldn't face his directness, she shouldn't have asked the question. Personally I'd prefer someone to tell me outright than to waffle on about self-esteem and stuff when what they mean is "fat". Attraction is a pretty basic, almost instinctual type of thing - it has to do with signals, pheromones, visual cues; there is a whole body of socio-biological research on desire. You can't fake it - and if someone wants to know why you don't find them a turn on, if it's something they can address - and fat is - you owe it to the to tell them. (if it's something they can't do anything about, like age or you've gone off their smell, then perhaps it's simply best to admit that you've moved on and suggest that they do the same). But I agree with Ronni that it's not YOUR problem to get them to do something about it - they should know that they're faced with the withdrawal of your desire, and in the event of that lasting beyond a tolerable time, perhaps the collapse of the R or the possibility of them getting what they need elsewhere. Which leaves the with the choice of addressing the problem and earning your desire back, or deciding you're a shallow waste of human skin, and moving on to someone who likes harpooning whales.

[Walk]

Every relationship I've ever been in the man wants me to eat like he does. He eats fast food, chips, beer, and fattening crap all day long and insists I eat just like him. When I balk, he sulks. Haven't had a relationship yet where that hasn't occured. Then when I start gaining weight, it's suddenly MY fault that I'm balloning up. Well, DUH!! A guy eats 2500 calories a day (at least), while I only need 1100 just to maintain my current weight.

 

Men love their fast food too. So, I get a crossant sandwhich and hashbrown and that's well over half my caloric intake for the ENTIRE day. He's still has 70% of his caloric needs left to fill for the rest of the day. I have 30%. Then he insists I also eat lunch and dinner with him. Which usually consists of some kind of high caloric food. If I attempt to alter our diet to a healthier, low fat diet, then I'm attempting to change who he is, and take over his life.

 

Toss in the fact that men whine and complain when a girl won't finish her meal, or God forbid she only orders a salad. He's over there scarfing down his 3rd Big Mac and super sized large fry, and I'm supposed to go the gym for 6 hours to burn off that one fry I ate at lunch time.

 

Love the hypocrisy in men's expectations for women. "Eat like us, but you better damn well not gain weight!" They'll toss us to the curb because we "decieved" them into believing we'd be thin our entire lives. Women are supposed to always think a man is sexy and desire him. He can lose all his hair, grow hair out his ears and butt crack, and women are still supposed to be enthralled by their manliness. But a woman gains weight, and we're evil incarnate. Worse then that, we're lazy fat slobs.

[OpenBook]

What it all boils down to, is this:

1. Marriage is no guarantee that someone will continue to love you or be a good partner in life.
   
2. Marriage does not magically preserve a person in their current state when the nuptials are performed. It does not stop people from changing, physically and mentally.
   
3. For men, by far the most important thing a woman can offer them is sexual desirability. All the other things she is, pale in comparison in the male mind. Men can overlook a lot of other less-than-desirable traits, if she is gorgeous. But if she is blessed with an abundance of kindness (for example) but is unattractive in some way, the kindness is discounted to nothing for him, and all he sees is his repulsion.
   

In short, putting a lot of expectations on marriage (especially the ones you make up as you go along - like, "It's expected that she should keep herself in shape") is a surefire recipe for failing at it.

[amaysngrace]

Six sizes bigger is a whole other person.

 

She may not be great to lay but I bet she loves to devour your dick. She obviously enjoys having things stuffed into her mouth.

[OWoman]

Every relationship I've ever been in the man wants me to eat like he does. He eats fast food, chips, beer, and fattening crap all day long and insists I eat just like him. When I balk, he sulks. Haven't had a relationship yet where that hasn't occured. Then when I start gaining weight, it's suddenly MY fault that I'm balloning up. Well, DUH!! A guy eats 2500 calories a day (at least), while I only need 1100 just to maintain my current weight.

 

Men love their fast food too. So, I get a crossant sandwhich and hashbrown and that's well over half my caloric intake for the ENTIRE day. He's still has 70% of his caloric needs left to fill for the rest of the day. I have 30%. Then he insists I also eat lunch and dinner with him. Which usually consists of some kind of high caloric food. If I attempt to alter our diet to a healthier, low fat diet, then I'm attempting to change who he is, and take over his life.

 

Toss in the fact that men whine and complain when a girl won't finish her meal, or God forbid she only orders a salad. He's over there scarfing down his 3rd Big Mac and super sized large fry, and I'm supposed to go the gym for 6 hours to burn off that one fry I ate at lunch time.

 

Love the hypocrisy in men's expectations for women. "Eat like us, but you better damn well not gain weight!" They'll toss us to the curb because we "decieved" them into believing we'd be thin our entire lives. Women are supposed to always think a man is sexy and desire him. He can lose all his hair, grow hair out his ears and butt crack, and women are still supposed to be enthralled by their manliness. But a woman gains weight, and we're evil incarnate. Worse then that, we're lazy fat slobs.

 

 

Gosh Walk you know some weird men! If some guy ever tried to tell me what, or how much, I should eat I'd dump that control freak in a second!

 

Probably the reason they're doing that is because they don't want you having moral high ground by eating healthily and making them feel bad about eating rubbish! That way, when you pick up the weight, they can point fingers, rather than them being the ones to balloon and you getting grossed out.

 

Also, i'd never shag a guy that ate that kind of stuff! Aside from what their breath and body odour would smell like, the thought of all that fat and cholersterol coursing around in his bloodstream looking for an artery wall to cling to and cause an embolism would terrify me - imagine if he had a heart attack in the throes of passion! Or worse - his Big Mac repeated on him and he burped those noxious fumes Yuck!

 

Thanks - but I stick to decent, clean living guys who eat healthy and live healthy... aside for the occasional stroll down temptation lane to the chocolatier

[OpenBook]

Love the hypocrisy in men's expectations for women. "Eat like us, but you better damn well not gain weight!" They'll toss us to the curb because we "decieved" them into believing we'd be thin our entire lives. Women are supposed to always think a man is sexy and desire him. He can lose all his hair, grow hair out his ears and butt crack, and women are still supposed to be enthralled by their manliness. But a woman gains weight, and we're evil incarnate. Worse then that, we're lazy fat slobs.

 

Absolutely. I'm with you, Walk. This is the way it is.

[OWoman]

Absolutely. I'm with you, Walk. This is the way it is.

 

Gosh OB you also seem to live among loser men! It's true I've know a couple of men like this in my life, but they're such losers everone sees the for what they are and they spend their lives hanging out with other loser guys watching the rugby on the big screen at the pub. They never get a date, and they kid themselves it's because they're fussy. Everyone else laughs at them, and pities their mothers.

 

Normal guys go to a great deal of trouble over their appearance - too much, often - they preen and fuss in front of mirrors for ages making sure they look "OK" and at the first hint of disapproval they go into a blind panic, working out for hours each day and tweezing and exfoliating and redoing their wardrobe... I think David Beckham has a lot to answer for!

 

The worst, though, tend to be midlife guys - they're all smart and groomed and they're often with such dogs! Fat, frumpy, hairs sprouting out everywhere and a sour look on the face and nothing nice to say about anything. You can only imagine that the reason they're still together is because he's getting it somewhere else, taking the pressure off.

 

When you see an older couple out together where both of them are well looked-after and take care and pride in their appearance - and I'm lucky to have several friends like this, so have seen the dynamics up close - you can be pretty sure the relationship is sound and respectful, with neither taking the other for granted, even if they've been together since before time.

[OpenBook]

Gosh OB you also seem to live among loser men! ...

 

Normal guys go to a great deal of trouble over their appearance - too much, often - they preen and fuss in front of mirrors for ages making sure they look "OK" and at the first hint of disapproval they go into a blind panic, working out for hours each day and tweezing and exfoliating and redoing their wardrobe...

 

And I know no men who do this. Do you & I live on different planets?? :laugh:

[Geishawhelk]

The good news, is, I do.

The bad news is - they're gay.

[Ronni_W]

- they're gay.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that"