Told my wife she is fat...

[CaliMan]

She's put on 6 sizes since we got married.

 

We stopped having sex about a month ago. She's been hounding me asking why we haven't been having sex. The real reason why we haven't been having sex is because she thinks she is an ugly bohemath and I think that she is a lazy fat slob.

 

She does not like the way she looks but does nothing about it except get sad.

 

I still love her as a person but not in a sexual way. She just doesn't turn me on.

 

She hounded me today hard as why we weren't having sex, she reckons I'm cheating on her, so I told her it's because she has become fat. And elaborated and said more so the fact that she doesn't like the way she looks yet does nothing about it except be down in the dumps. How am I supposed to be sexually attracted to someone that doesn't love themselves / be confident about the way they look?

 

So she shed a few tears and then took off. Now I feel bad, but I just can't see any other way to handle the situation, she wanted to know why so I told her. It is the truth, I can't help if I'm not attracted to her.

 

Some naturally large women (who are not fat but large) perhaps say big boned, and confident about the way they look are attractive. They don't all have to be size 0 posh spices. It's more the confidence of the individual in regards to their looks rather than their looks.

 

Opinons?

[Angel1111]

Well, since she asked....

 

I'm not really sure how this could be a surprise to her anyway. If it turns you off, there's not much you can do about it except be honest.

[Ronni_W]

Well, at least it's out in the open -- hopefully good things will result.

You may come to regret having thrown in that piece about YOU thinking that she's fat (and therefore you think she is sexually unattractive/repulsive, will be how that is gonna come back at you.)

 

I'd suggest that you just keep repeating that it was more her negative self-image that was the unattractive part, for you.

 

Even if you can get her to believe that, there's still the issue of your perception of her as a "lazy slob", though. Chances are that you 'messaged' that, consciously or unconsciously, and it is partially what fed her negative feelings about herself.

[Trialbyfire]

Caliman, your attitude sucks. If this is the way you've belittled her throughout your marriage, it's no wonder she feels like crap. I hope she gets herself in tight condition, then finds a man who will treat her right.

[cybersister]

Hey, do not feel bad. You told it like it is and it needed to be said. Sure maybe you could have been more sensitive but life is not perfect. Maybe this will be the kick up the ass she needs to do something about it rather than mope about feeling sorry for herself.

She cannot expect you to love her body if she doesn't.

good luck

[Walk]

You stated that it wasn't her weight that really bothered you, but her attitude... yet you started your thread by saying "She's put on 6 sizes since we got married" and you view her as "a lazy fat slob".

 

My concept of marriage is that when there's a problem with the relationship, then you don't resort to name calling or thinking of your partner as a worthless piece o' crap. You either want to help her resolve the problems she's having, or you simply want the issue fixed while you sit on the sidelines doing nothing. And from my view point, that's what you did. You act like you deserve better from her, but you ignored all the signs that she's been having problems. It seems like you ditched and ran when things got tough, then called her fat when she pointed out that you've withdrawn from her.

 

I know where you're coming from with having a spouse that's put on a lot of weight over the relationship. But there are numerous ways to help your spouse that don't entail ripping their self-confidence to shreds. Have you attempted to change both of your diets? You could start making meals that aren't as high in fat or calories. Have you suggested doing more physical things with her, like walking or taking up a sport together? Have you talked to her about her depression? Asked her to talk to a doctor to see to find out if there are health issues? What if she's suffering from hypothyrodism, or depression, or has something that could affect her health severely in the future? Did you ever suggest that you go with her to see a doctor because you're worried about her health?

 

From what you posted, it seems like you've been burying your head in the sand hoping your wife would just fix the issues on her own. When your wife brought up the lack of sex, you took her concern about the health of the relationship and turned it onto what YOU want, what you feel. Your wife was struggling alone while you had your eyes tightly shut and when she finally comes to you saying she knows there's a problem with the relationship you lashed out at saying she's fat. Implying she's the cause of all the problems. As though you're an innocent bystander who was hurt by her actions. You're her husband. You should've been working with her to resolve the issue. You've known this was an issue for months and instead of speaking up or working with your wife to fix the issue, you waited until you lost desire for her to the point that you would stop having sex. That was too late. You called your wife a lazy slob, but you were procrastinating and doing nothing too.

 

Who's more wrong in all this... Her for gaining weight, or you for turning your back on her because she was losing her self-confidence?

 

Why did you lash out at her? Why are you angry with her? What's going on deeper then this weight issue that you aren't discussing with your wife?

[blind_otter]

Yikes. I think that this was just a bad idea. There are positive ways to communicate these types of things, without coming out with "you're fat and unattractive."

 

You should have led with the idea that the way she feels about herself and her self esteem effects how you feel about her, sexually...

 

Anyway, IME few people are actually "lazy fat slobs". Most, with positive reinforcement and support, can make the lifestyle changes that enable them to become healthy and fit - not necessarily thin, as that isn't always healthy. I think people tend to become unmotivated when they constantly hear critical messages about who they are and what they look like. That leads to learned helplessness and depression. At that point, you sort of stop caring whether you take care of yourself or not.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I didn't see how long you've been married? That 6 plus sizes cold be 1 year or 10 years.

[Lizzie60]

Humm... not sure if YOUR attitude will help her lose the weight..

 

Maybe if you were a little more positive and supportive, she would feel more confident about it..

 

It's hard to say, from where we stand.. maybe it's the whole interpersonal relationship that sucks and made her 'eat her emotions'.

 

Maybe you both need to sit down and make a real thourough self-examination to find out what went wrong.. maybe she got too comfortable in the relationship and let herself go.. as I say .. it's hard to say.

 

Also .. how long have you been married..

[JackJack]

Well telling her she is FAT is a sure fire way to get her motivated.

 

I'm sure that is what you thought you were doing, but it doesn't work like that. Some will say, even you maybe, you were just being honest, well here's ya prize for being honest. Anyway, there is right way and wrong way to go about something.

 

I'm assuming you look the same as you did when you first got married? Maybe she thinks your attitude stinks? I deffo agree with the other posters about being a little more supportive and positive. That more than likely help things alot more than saying the things you have said.

[reddog63]

This use to be a concern of mine until I just didnt give a sh_t anymore.

 

This is a no win situation. You say something you lose (even if it is in a delicate manner) and if you don't say anything, you get frustrated.

 

Obviously, you should, if you have not done countless times, at least tried to tell her in a nice manner. I do think even if you tried that, that the years would pass by and nothing would change.

 

But, at least you got the message across instead of wasting alot of time.

 

For the women who jump on this guy........although I understand, you need to also put yourself in a mans situation like this.............compare how awful you think this OP is from what he said to his wife........then compare it to how awful she is as a spouse to let herself go so bad, plus he has to put up with the low self esteem, complaining, etc while she does nothing to take care of the problem.

 

Realistically, a guys only alternative is to forget about it or leave.

[Trialbyfire]

Perhaps people should be looking to the future, instead of marrying someone with different priorities. IF staying in shape is so important to people, shouldn't they be looking to someone who feels the same way? To denigrate someone who blatantly has self-confidence issues will only compound the problem.

 

Based on the way the conversation was handled, this is most likely neither the first or the last time this woman has been belittled. Either she originally had low self-confidence or she's been badgered to the wall. In either case, the OP has just as much to do with this, whether it was an inept selection of a lifemate or creating a hostile environment.

[lkjh]

You could have handled it better but in reality if she doesn't physically stimulate you then there really isn't anything you can do. Next time be nicer but ya she has to keep herself in ok condition. There will be women that want you flamed for this because they feel men should do anything for them no matter what they look like but remember we are animals and there are certain things that turn each of us on.

[Trialbyfire]

I sincerely hope that all superficial men keep themselves in cut shape. If not, it appears to be highly hypocritical if they don't look like they did when first married...

[JackJack]

This use to be a concern of mine until I just didnt give a sh_t anymore.

 

This is a no win situation. You say something you lose (even if it is in a delicate manner) and if you don't say anything, you get frustrated.

 

Obviously, you should, if you have not done countless times, at least tried to tell her in a nice manner. I do think even if you tried that, that the years would pass by and nothing would change.

 

But, at least you got the message across instead of wasting alot of time.

 

For the women who jump on this guy........although I understand, you need to also put yourself in a mans situation like this.............compare how awful you think this OP is from what he said to his wife........then compare it to how awful she is as a spouse to let herself go so bad, plus he has to put up with the low self esteem, complaining, etc while she does nothing to take care of the problem.

 

Realistically, a guys only alternative is to forget about it or leave.

 

BS. "What kind of spouse is she to let her self go?"

 

So I guess you know she let her self go from depression or medical issues? Yeah could be a lack of self esteem, but you can't just say she let her so go just to be letting herself go.

 

yes, he could tell her till he is blue in the face about her weight, but until SHE makes it up in her mind that she is motivated and wants to do it, not alot he can do, BUT he could try to be more supportive. We don't know WHY she has "let her self go."

 

Since we only have his side its all we can really go on. I have a feeling unless its some medical issue he very possibly could be a contributing factor. So while you're saying she is doing nothing about it, neither is his attitude.

[norajane]

So what happened when she came back home? Did you two talk again?

 

There's a reason she gained that much weight...did she have children? Is she depressed? Has she been checked out by her doctor for thyroid problems or diabetes or any other health issues?

 

You and your wife are a team, one for all and all for one. Her problems are your problems. Approaching this issue as a team rather than you against her will lead to a better outcome and more positive relationship between you.

[carhill]

Opinons?

My instinct is there are a lot more reasons than her weight why she doesn't "turn you on". Physical appearance is just the most easily defined.

 

If you haven't gotten into the nitty gritty of what really is going on, get some MC and figure it out. If your writing is accurate, communication on both sides is less than ideal and MC can help with that.

 

FWIW, I've been through some pretty dark times with my wife and used some pretty strong language but have never called her fat. I've suggested we both exercise more.

 

Man-to-man, there's something else that's going on and it's not her weight. Get to the bottom of it or D; no sense in either of you suffering....

[JackJack]

Something I was going to mention, but didn't get a chance to before another had posted was, if she is suffering from some kind of depression, she isn't going to just pull herself out of that funk overnight and suddenly become motivated to loose weight.

[reddog63]

Perhaps people should be looking to the future, instead of marrying someone with different priorities. IF staying in shape is so important to people, shouldn't they be looking to someone who feels the same way? To denigrate someone who blatantly has self-confidence issues will only compound the problem.

 

Based on the way the conversation was handled, this is most likely neither the first or the last time this woman has been belittled. Either she originally had low self-confidence or she's been badgered to the wall. In either case, the OP has just as much to do with this, whether it was an inept selection of a lifemate or creating a hostile environment.

 

It is not that "staying in shape" is such a priority. It is when a man or woman "lets themselves go", and I do not mean just a little. To me, it is a given that both people in a relationship have some obligation to keeping themselves in decent shape. You have a spouse get obese, thats over the line.

 

You are not taking his frustration into account. You are right, this probably wasnt the first time he mentioned it. Maybe the previous 20 times he tried to be nice about it.

 

Pick a need of yours. Say it is financial responsibility. Your husband never keeps a steady job. You try to be nice for the first year or so. Then you start telling him he is a bum, or that he is a terrible husband, because you get tired of this situation. YOU get frustrated enough and you would do the same if reversed with a situation you find important.

 

But, then again, thats just my opinion!

[carhill]

Pick a need of yours. Say it is financial responsibility.

 

Great example. Part of my "love dies one day at a time" theory. My W harped on this continually while I was taking care of my mom and my business was suffering, even though we were far from destitute and I always met my obligations. Each instance was like a death blow to my love for her. TBH, that was the time where I sincerely wished she had killed herself and made the world a better place. The insensitivity of humanity (or perhaps some members of it) never ceases to amaze me.

 

OP, no prophecy here, but, if that's how your wife feels about you calling her fat, things won't go well for you, sorry to say

[Trialbyfire]

It is not that "staying in shape" is such a priority. It is when a man or woman "lets themselves go", and I do not mean just a little. To me, it is a given that both people in a relationship have some obligation to keeping themselves in decent shape. You have a spouse get obese, thats over the line.

 

You are not taking his frustration into account. You are right, this probably wasnt the first time he mentioned it. Maybe the previous 20 times he tried to be nice about it.

IF staying in shape were that important, perhaps this should have been discussed before they got married. Do you know for fact that this was discussed? What has caused her obesity? Do you know for fact that it's strictly from over-eating and not leading a healthy lifestyle? Do you know for fact that the OP himself leads a healthy lifestyle? Do you know for fact that the OP himself isn't obese?

 

Pick a need of yours. Say it is financial responsibility. Your husband never keeps a steady job. You try to be nice for the first year or so. Then you start telling him he is a bum, or that he is a terrible husband, because you get tired of this situation. YOU get frustrated enough and you would do the same if reversed with a situation you find important.

I've never dated anyone, nvm married them, who isn't financially responsible or relatively financially secure.

 

The only need that I failed at ensuring for within my ex-marriage, was to trust, love and marry a guy who lied to me about his perspective of infidelity.

[JackJack]

Obviously reddogg missed my post on the other page. I love how people assume she just "let herself go, just to be letting her self go".

[nittygritty]

 

She hounded me today hard as why we weren't having sex, she reckons I'm cheating on her, so I told her it's because she has become fat.

 

You told her that the reason that you weren't having sex with her was "because she has become fat" but you didn't state whether or not you have cheated on her. Have you cheated on her?

 

I ask because in another thread you stated something about men not being designed to be monogamous.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is one of those majorly taboo subjects, but I think you were right to tell her the REAL reason you're not having sex. Sure, you probably could have been more positive and supportive with the delivery, but maybe you can turn it around and from now on be a source of encouragement rather than criticism. That's almost certainly going to be much more helpful to her in losing weight.

[Alma Mobley]

There are only a few situations where a husband or partner cannot rag on a woman about her weight. One of them is right after child birth. I mean, sorry, no nagging about weight for at least a year after a child is born.

 

However, I think there is a time and place to tell one's partner they have gained too much weight to the point they are no longer sexually attractive. It's a sensitive subject. I told my partner to tell me if I start getting a bit too big. I made him SWEAR he would tell me.

 

I think you need to be honest. I say that because it's what I would do. I would say, "Honey, I love you, but you are a bit on the heavy side. I hate to sound like this, but it's to the point that it is lessening my attraction to you, and I want to keep my attraction to you. I will do whatever it takes though -- I will be right there with you at [fill in here -- gym, walking, whatever]."