jmmm Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 some of this may sound weird...but i really miss being around my ex..i actually miss being in his area which was about 35 minutes from mine and being at his apartment and feeling comfortable there to be in my pj's etc...i even miss being at his mom's...they have a house and i come from an apartment which i don't mind...but its hard to decorate an apartment with so little room and i loved her taste and the way things were set up...i just liked being around her and being there....i have actually tried straightning up my parents place because i know they are too tired to do it..and i have to say i think some of her style rubbed off on me and im trying to do the same for the apartment in a way its weird but the things i grew to like over the years with him or not even really care if i had it or not while with him..(like the certain soap he usually got for the shower)...i actually bought some of it recently...even certain things we used to get at the grocery store which i never tried or had alot of until i was with him..i bought those things as well...my ex is a strong minded confident person as well and i am actually trying to behave like he would if he was the one dumped...he wouldn't be sitting around crying or even talking about it much..he would just somehow go on as if he was fine....maybe doing these things and almost trying to behave like he would in certain situation is me trying to hold on to a piece of him...like somehow he isn't completely gone or something? i try to think about the things he did which i have posted in different places to which people said he was inconsiderate and no matter what good things he did, the inconsiderate stuff was pretty bad..
Author jmmm Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 i think i feel really lost and lonely without him.. and this may also sound weird...but its like i almost want to be more like him now that i am not with him...i wish i had my own place and the truth is..i liked his area and where he was located--although a much longer commute from where i work and you need a car to go anywhere basically...but i can't afford it apart of me thinks because he had all of these responsibilities with his family's house and fixing so many different things like a car or helping a family member with similiar stuff somewhere else..he always had so many things that needed to get done things like that just didn't come up with me...for one..you don't have those types of things to do when you have an apartment and also i don't know how to spend time fixing cars or this and that and don't even own one if i did.. lol so i just didn't have as much going on i feel like i am going to break down on NYE being without him..and i think i still have this stupid tiny hope well maybe one day within the next year he will come back....and i know i shouldnt i just feel sad even if i am out on a date or with friends...i just know i would rather be with him and i think about what he could possibly be doing and if he is out at a bar etc
alwayssme Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 it's hard losing the one you love huh? personally everything that reminds me of "our happy times" i stay as much away from it as possible...i had a little bit left of a parfume he bought for me, I put it on..it was horrible because i feel like it brings me back in time BUT with the reality of him not being here. So I stay away from things that remind me of how things were.Memories are another thing...I can't help that.
Author jmmm Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 yes i understand...i definitely shy away from different things too..like movies that are on cable now and i saw those with him..i change the channel but its weird how certain things he did, things he bought like i mentioned a certain soap i used at his apartment for over 3 years because thats the one he bought..i bought some for myself...its like i grew to like the certain things he did and how he did them and miss them so much more now that he is not here...i miss being with him alone at his apartment just watching tv or lounging around so much...i cried a little last night its almost like i wanna be more like him including in terms of how he would handle a relationship ending...his serious relationship before me ended when he was my age which was years ago and he went on with his life and even fell in love with me...he is strong minded and confident..its like i almost wanna be more like him in terms of things he had at his apartment and how he handled himself. does anyone understand this feeling?
0hpenelope Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Oh yeah, I do understand that. ... Except it fueled my determination to stick with NC. For every time I'm reminded of him, I become more determined and forceful (I'm at the level where force is now acceptable) to stick with NC. For someone who's hurt me like that. I've forgiven Lawrence, but I'd be stupid to let him back in my life. He can read my online journals as much as he'd like, but he's just a voyeur - much like everyone else.
Author jmmm Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 mine isn't fueled to remind me not to contact him..i just know i can't do that but i guess apart of me wonders if its weird i wanna do things similiar to what he did, things he used like that soap or even how certain things were at his apartment and family's house etc i feel really sad...i tried to go shopping with a family member today for the holidays and i don't know why but i felt so sad and even started getting teary eyed a little..i just wanted to be with him so bad...i haven't felt like this extreme in awhile....
0hpenelope Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 mine isn't fueled to remind me not to contact him..i just know i can't do that but i guess apart of me wonders if its weird i wanna do things similiar to what he did, things he used like that soap or even how certain things were at his apartment and family's house etc i feel really sad...i tried to go shopping with a family member today for the holidays and i don't know why but i felt so sad and even started getting teary eyed a little..i just wanted to be with him so bad...i haven't felt like this extreme in awhile.... I'm sorry. I was in that place not long ago and I eventually hated feeling that way (I don't use the word 'hate' lightly, either). I got tired of feeling sad and negative that I did everything not harmful to myself to get rid of feeling so low all the time. I don't think it's weird at all. If anyone else you meet does the same things as you do, I'd assume you'd find it coincidental. It's just weird because those actions are associated with him. I didn't get to the level where I'm at in a short period. As angry and hurt as I was, I still loved Lawrence. But it was costing me the person that is most important to me - myself. I had to do something to get out of it, and I did. I'm generally a happy person and a little bit on the crazy side personality-wise, but in the phase that I was in touch with Lawrence, the person that I used to be was M.I.A. So I stopped contacting him. Didn't fight the times when I would think of him and let the memories just float through my head... then I would do stuff to just get it out of my system. You know... holiday shopping with that relative was a really important step. As sad as you are about him, you're not cooped up and you're going out there. I'm really pleased that you were able to do this for yourself. One step at a time.
Author jmmm Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 i have been trying..but i was really sad today at the stores..and felt more alone than ever and wondered what he was doing and where he was and if he was happy at that moment when i was in pain...
Author jmmm Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 can't believe i cried today and felt very alone..had this horrible feeling in my stomach
HighPlainsDrifter Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Sorry to hear of your sadness jmmm I have had a case of the holiday blues myself this week. The holidays really seem to bring this stuff out in a persons mind, at least in my case. I am also somewhat "dreading", for lack of a better word, the Xmas and NYE stuff coming up. It's a tough time of the year to be single. I've been here before and know from past experience that it does get better. One day, you will love again. It's just getting to that day that can be trying at times. Remember, you are not alone in the least. There's plenty of us out here dealing with this right along with you.
Author jmmm Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 when i was single before him..maybe it bothered me i was single in some senese..but i did not have the "blues" about it...even on NYE..i would just be home with parents or go out with friends etc...it sucked a little but it wasn't so bad to me..maybe because i didn't know what it was like to feel this pain
HighPlainsDrifter Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 when i was single before him..maybe it bothered me i was single in some senese..but i did not have the "blues" about it...even on NYE..i would just be home with parents or go out with friends etc...it sucked a little but it wasn't so bad to me..maybe because i didn't know what it was like to feel this pain Yeah, I can relate and I know what you mean. It's kinda one of those deals where when it's not there, there's nothing to miss, but then when you are in a relationship and it dissolves, you know what it's like to be connected to someone and how much better that feeling can be at times. It is really hard to have that feeling of loss. The holidays really seem to amplify that whole emotional mindset. I think that we'll get back to that point where it doesn't matter that much in time, but it does just take a while. The first holiday season after the breakup is hardest because you're not used to it and your going through a huge adjustment period by yourself. But that's what message boards like LS are for. They can make you feel like your not going through this tramatic period all by yourself because it happens to most people involved in a relationship at one time or another. Break ups are so hard because of the codependency that develops after you spend a long time with someone and feel "love" for them. Some days are better than others and you will live and love again. It just doesn't usually happen as fast as we want it to. Damn huh?
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